Just this morning I said I thought it was important to not be a stumbling block, so I am not going to write all that I have been thinking.
I can say that though the Lord is my Shepard, I'd be lying if I said I did not want.
I want, Lord. I want.
RUN! GET OUT OF HERE! NOW! That's what I kept thinking in my head as I sat in church. I literally would have run out of there if I wasn't sitting where I was, which was not my usual spot.
So, instead, I just cried. I stood there, tried to sing and cried.
The music was overwhelming. So many of the songs were songs I had on my pregnancy playlist and sang to Matthew throughout my pregnancy. I had such a hard time. These songs were so significant to me. I wrote about them--and in trying to find this post, I cried some more.
"I sing for joy at the work of your hands." I couldn't swallow after that line--the work of His hands was SO magnificent. So amazing. So precious. Matthew was simply amazing.
Oh Lord, I want.
How can my soul ever be restored?
I sometimes get a little perturbed when people tell me that Job was rewarded so greatly for his faithfulness....all he had was restored and MORE!
Really? His 7 children came back? Because let me tell you, they SURE as heck are not replaceable.
I digress...anyway, as I said, I pulled up that post from September 20, and started to cry and cry. Sob. A lot. The type that *almost* made me pick up the phone and think of someone to cry to. (Almost.)
And then the phone rang. I answered it.
And I wasn't alone in my crying. I was being asked to take limits off:
"I'm not a man, I cannot lie. I know the plans for your life.
I'm asking you to dream again, to believe again and take the limits off of Me.
I'm not a man, I cannot lie.I know the plans. They're My design. I'm asking you to hope again,and trust again and take the limits off of Me.
All I'm asking is take the limits off. Take the limits off. Release Me to accomplish what I promised to do. "
I was told my name wasn't forgotten:
"I am not forgotten. God knows my name. He knows my name.
Light over darkness, strength over weakness. Joy over sadness, He knows my name. "
I was told God knows the plans He has for me and they are good.
I was told He knows and counts every tear. (This being told to me as I am and was bawling.)
I was told He would restore my soul. Those very words. No prompting from me, we don't go to the same church and she has no knowledge of what was going through my head.
I thought, "HOW? Matthew is not coming back. I may be the mother of 18 one day and that won't make it better or me miss him less. How can it be restored without restoring Matthew?
And I was told restoration doesn't mean like I was. Restoration means renewed...meaning there will always be scars, but new hope.
Friends, there are no coincidences. I'm glad I was stuck in that pew because so much of what was going through my head was worked out in an amazing way from a 'random' phone call God placed on her heart to make to me.
Like I said, God, I'm listening. I may not be great at it, but I'm trying.
Church stung. A lot.
Thank you for continuing to reach out to me.