My baby died before I even got to hold him. I don't know what that feels like and my arms ache.
Can you imagine if someone at Infantino got that letter?
I wouldn't send it, of course.
My heart hurts so much.
So much.
I wonder if people know that it is possible to smile and look "great" when you feel dead inside?
I wonder if people know that I bite my lip constantly to hold back tears?
I wonder if people know that this is literally unbearable sometimes, and all I can do is curl up under my blanket and hope that I get back to normal breathing again?
A dear friend told me I was such a trooper.
I told her that I used to be.
Now, I just survive. I try to make it from the start of the day to the finish...and can't even think about tomorrow because the thought of another today is just too depressing.
How am I supposed to spend the rest of my life without my little boy? How is that possible? How? I am barely making it from one day to the next.
I just don't know how.
Oh Lori,
ReplyDeleteI wish I could take your pain from you for even just a few moments.
Bridget
I wish I knew the answer to the question. I guess we just do. Eventually, hope for something better (like a rainbow baby) keeps pulling you through to the next day. And, even tho we keep getting knocked down (neg pregnancy tests, another high risk pregnancy...), we keep going. A year later, most days are still unbearable to me. But, I do have good days again. I authentically smile and you will too. Other lbms used to tell me it would get better and I wouldn't believe them. But, it will. Slowly. Huge hugs.
ReplyDeleteLori,
ReplyDeleteMy heart aches for you. Sometimes I think I sound like a broken record, but I really, sincerely mean it. My heart does hurt for you.
Been praying for you....and will continue to do so...
Lori, I just wish there was something we could do to relieve the pain.
ReplyDeleteSending you lots of hugs and love.
Lori,
ReplyDeleteHugs and prayers for you, John and Matthew always. You are always close to my heart and always on my mind.
Much love!
I say this all the time, it is just so hard. It is hard trying to continue our lives, to get up everyday, to be something, all without our precious ones here in our arms. I am so sorry. My heart aches for all of us. I am waiting for my 'hope' as Bree says. I need that hope to pull me through. Thinking of you my friend. xo
ReplyDeleteThese moments seem to last too long don't they...I hope a "sunny" moment comes your way today and that you can hold onto it. Sending hugs to you today!
ReplyDeleteI wish I knew what to say. I really do! Just know I'm thinking of and praying for you.
ReplyDeleteLori, I am continually praying for you. =)
ReplyDeleteHere are some song lyrics that have been a blessing to me.
I try to hold on to this world with everything I have
But I feel the weight of what it brings, and the hurt that trys to grab
The many trials that seem to never end, His word declares this truth,
that we will enter in this rest with wonders anew
But I hold on to this hope and the promise that He brings
That there will be a place with no more suffering
There will be a day with no more tears, no more pain, and no more fears
There will be a day when the burdens of this place, will be no more, we’ll see Jesus face to face
But until that day, we’ll hold on to you always
I know the journey seems so long
You feel your walking on your own
But there has never been a step
Where you’ve walked out all alone
Troubled soul don’t lose your heart
Cause joy and peace he brings
And the beauty that’s in store
Outweighs the hurt of life’s sting
I can’t wait until that day where the very one I’ve lived for always will wipe away the sorrow that I’ve faced
To touch the scars that rescued me from a life of shame and misery this is why this is why I sing….
There will be a day with no more tears, no more pain, and no more fears
There will be a day when the burdens of this place, will be no more, we’ll see Jesus face to face
There will be a day, He’ll wipe away the stains, He’ll wipe away the tears, He’ll wipe away the tears…..there will be a day.
Lori,
ReplyDeleteYou ARE a survivor...you get up and you start and finish the day and that is commendable. It's not easy to put two feet on the floor each day, but you do. You hold on to your FAITH and reach out to others when your heart is breaking and that is beautiful.
And, you honor Matthew every moment of every day. You LOVE HIM.
Wishing you the best as you start your med's and this new cycle. I'm praying for you dear friend.
Much Love,
xoxo
Oh sweet friend, I am weeping for you! My heart breaks knowing that your heart knows the nightmare of losing your son. I am so sorry over and over.
ReplyDeleteI truly don't know what it is that gets us through every day through the grief and sadness of missing our boys...but it HAS to be God and God alone. Even though I've been so angry at God for so long...I know He is here. I know that He loves us still. I know that He will carry us through the pain of each day when we wonder how we will ever make it through.
I hear all the time "Heather, you are so brave, you are so strong, you are such an encouragement..."
I wish I believed those things.
I don't ever mean to sound ungrateful for my days and minutes with Evan...he is what gets me through each day...but it's still hard to watch him without his twin brother by his side. Hard to wonder if it will ever feel like he's missing someone.
Yet, I know I have to be strong for him and for Brett. I know I have to stay in the day.
When we lost Jack and Ethan in Dec '07, my world crumbled. I lost both my babies and wondered how I would ever survive. It was our only shot with that IVF round so I knew it was either all over or we'd have to start all over again. Life lost all purpose. I lost all sense of myself. Every night I closed my eyes and cried, every morning I woke up thinking for one split second it had all been a nightmare, and every morning I had to relieve reality all over again. I felt lost. I had no hope. I felt like anyone who looked me in the eye would know I had "failed" and that I was dead inside. I knew they would see the "new me", and it scared me. I was terrified to face the outside world. Terrified to face a pregnant belly, or hear the words "do you have any children?"
It took months, but I finally knew...I HAD to get up. It was get up or give up. And I just HAD to get up. But it hurt every muscle, fibre, bone in my body...physically and mentally. I fought SO HARD to get things right with God again, and to find my way back to being the wife my husband needed and was so scared he had lost. And over many months...I found the "new me". Yes, tattered and torn and broken and bruised...but I was back.
Then losing Zac...it all came flooding back. How, after all we had gone through, how could we blessed with another twin pregnancy and finally believe that we would be "okay" only to have our worlds shattered once again?! How do I trust? How do I believe?
It has been over a year since Zac went home to heaven...and once again...I have to get up. I don't know how. I just know that I do. I'm scared. Scared of the future, and scared to fail. But I have to trust that God will use me. That I will be a good enough mommy for Evan and a good enough wife for Brett. Although, I don't just want to be "good enough". I want to be great.
Missing Matthew will always be with you. Don't ever deny yourself missing your precious son. I can NOT imagine what you have endured. But I pray that over time, you will find your fight back. I pray for your heart. It will always be tattered, broken and bruised because that is what losing a child does...but I pray that beauty will begin to heal throughout as well.
I am praying for you daily sweet girl!
Not one day goes by where you are not in my prayers, and Matthew in my heart!
I am walking with you!!
(((HUGS)))
Heather (heathershope - HP)
I wish I had magic words to help you through all of this. I am so sorry that you are having a such a hard time. I know your pain. I feel your pain everyday. I guess just know you are not alone and we are all praying for you.
ReplyDelete(((HUGS)))
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ReplyDeleteLori... :((
ReplyDeleteI am holding you really close in my heart, sweet mama. xoxo
Shedding tears for you right now. Wish I could offer more than hugs and prayers.
ReplyDeleteI wonder those same things. In fact I ran into a old family friend yesterday and asked how I was doing and without getting into detail I just said we are getting by and doing okay..then she said well you look great, I'm sure you can have more kids are you guys trying? I about just fell on the floor. Seriously? I just lost my son! He was here with us and now he is gone, I can't just move on from that? So I think that sometimes people do see us and really think we are just fine. When people say how strong I am I really want to just let it all out about how I am really feeling, but I don't. This is such a hard thing and I don't have the answers. I will be praying for you!
ReplyDeleteThose little things are the worst. I signed up for formula and diaper coupons... as well as parent's mag. It hurt every single month when they showed up. It isn't fair dear... it just isn't fair.
ReplyDeleteJust keep taking it one day at a time. Big hugs.
“Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage.” May the love so many have for you provide the strength you need to make it through each day, knowing you have such support carrying you. And may the love you have for Matthew and maintaining his memory give you the courage to carry on when you don’t feel like you possibly can. Much easier said than done, of course. But sometimes it DOES take superhuman strength and courage to survive until tomorrow – don’t sell yourself short, and don’t attempt anything more than taking it day by day (or hour by hour, as needed). Continued prayers for you.
ReplyDeleteOne minute at a time, my friend ... You ARE strong and you will keep going in the face of terrible pain. I know you will. I know that you are struggling, but I hope you can believe that the future has brighter times ahead for you ... Love, J
ReplyDelete