Luke, I hope one day you are surrounded--be it in real life or virtually--by people with kind, compassionate, empathetic and sympathetic hearts.
Mommy sure is.
I needed to get what I wrote last night off my chest. I *really* need to do your blog because it's been over two weeks with no new pictures, but I just feel like my heart is so heavy sometimes with things I want to be understood, and sometimes, writing them and then being told, "I get it." just makes my heart a million times lighter.
I know everyone doesn't get it. That's ok. Even if no one did, that'd be ok. Many days, I don't.
So I want you to know, one day when you read this, that while I do think about what my life would be like if Matthew had lived and you'd not been born...there is no, no, no way that I would ever choose to give you back. For anything.
That makes my heart hurt too, because I feel like in saying that, I'm saying I love you more than I love Matthew. That's not it. Nor do I love him more than you.
I wouldn't have chosen to give him back, either...if I had the choice.
I just want you to know how much I love you. You have been screaming your poor little head off for nearly an hour and 15 minutes, which is about the longest I've EVER heard you do that! You went to sleep just fine, but woke up sort of yelping and wouldn't settle. I changed you, nursed you, tried to rock you, let you try to settle yourself...Tylenol, Highland's Drops...nothing, nothing, nothing would settle you. Finally about 15 minutes ago, you let me hold you and rock you to sleep. I imagine it's a bit of your teeth, and a bit of you just being worked up, but I just wanted to fix it. As I held you, you gave those poor, poor little whimpers that proved you'd been crying a good cry, and I just melt over those every time I hear them. You are so precious to me. You brought sunshine back into our lives. Even on nights like this, I just thank God that I was able to sit in that chair with you and rock you...hold you in my arms and sing to you and let you know that I was there and would always, always love you.
If you ever wonder if you are loved, please know you are. If you ever doubt that I'd not move Heaven and earth for you, please know that I would. If you ever question whether I am glad you were born, regardless of how it came to be, please know that I am.
So much. More than I can put into words, and more than I think you could imagine.
You are truly our Luke...bringer of light...and I love you, sweet boy.