Friday, March 26, 2010

Grateful.

I know I should be more.

I know I have a ton for which I am.

It's just so hard to remember that when there's such a hole in your heart.

This weekend, we would have had a big birthday party for daddy and 4-month old Matthew.

Daddy won't be here.

Neither will Matthew.

In any event, I am very thankful for so many things. I am thankful that we have been surrounded by nothing but the most wonderful, kindhearted and well-meaning people and intentions. Yes, some insensitive things have been said, but never, ever purposeful...that I know. Honestly, those things said are perhaps less than 1% of the amazing support we've been given. Heck, less than half a percent. Sometimes people just don't even realize what hurts my feelings. *I* don't even know what hurts my feelings until it happens. I know, though, without a doubt--not one person has ever said anything to me with the intent of belittling my feelings or my pain. I am so grateful for that.

I have never had anything but the best doctors...caring, compassionate, kind and brokenhearted for us. I do not think a better Labor and Delivery exists than the one at St. Mary's Hospital. We were truly wrapped up in so much love and concern. I cannot imagine how much different it could have been.

I do not have any family members who literally break my heart more with their words and their feelings. In meeting others, I know that I should not take that for granted. It is not always a given that your family supports you, and I am grateful that ours does.

I have had so many friends surround me with support and love. Emails, phone calls, comments on Facebook or the blog....you have no idea how much they mean. I may not respond to them all...may not even answer the phone sometimes because it is just too hard, yet...people STILL KEEP TRYING. I know I am hard to support sometimes, I do not like burdening people and I often just end up curling up and wallowing on my own. That said, every call, email, comment, card and letter honestly keeps me going and I am so grateful for not giving up on me.

Most importantly, I am grateful that God has not given up on me. As I said, I know I am hard to support--I want my son. I want to hold him. I want to love him and know him. I want him right here, right now. And because I have none of that, well...I guess I'm pretty inconsolable.
And yet...He still tries. He sends comfort through others, even when I simply refuse to budge on what will console me. I've drawn my line in the sand.

But He keeps trying. I tell people about the strangest things that happen...things that can seriously ONLY be from God. Honestly--the things that the world may call coincidental but are really *too* coincidental to be coincidences. They have to be God.

I am just so stubborn.

And broken.

But He keeps trying.

And I'm grateful.

10 comments:

  1. beautiful post... I can totally relate. God hasnt given up on me either, and I'm TOTALLY stubborn..

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  2. This was a beautiful post of thankfulness... I know it is hard for me to see all the things to be grateful for sometimes, but the things you listed would also be on my list (you just did a better job than I would putting them to words).
    I have been praying for you (really...not just saying that=)...and will continue to, Lori.

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  3. He never gives up on us, does he :)

    What a wonderful trait, to be grateful in grief. It's hard to see how the two pair up, but you illustrated it beautifuly.

    Thinking of you and praying for you always. And, so happy that you have such a wonderful support system...but who couldn't love sweet, thoughtful YOU.

    HUGS and Love
    xoxo

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  4. Hey Lori,
    I just returned back to reality and was so saddened to catch up on your blog. I am a hospice nurse and therefore should know what to say to those going through such a diffiuclt situation, but I find myself not having the words to comfort you. Perhaps because this situation is personal. I am greiving with you my dear. Here is what is in my heart: I love you, I really really love you and yet we've never met. I am praying around the clock for your family. I still have all the hope in the world that you will experience the blessing of raising a child; tantrums, poopy walls, out-of-the-mouth-of-babes-moments, blow-outs and all (you can tell what phase were in can't you???). I have total faith, even if you sometimes are unable to muster it for yourself. Please know that I care, I adore, and I would go to the moon and back for you my dear.

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  5. I can relate to everything you wrote, especially the part about the friends and family. I am thinking of you and John sending you hugs.

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  6. We will continue to show you we are grateful for you, because you are grateful for all of us too :) Keep hangin in there sweet girl. Love and Hugs, Nan xxxooo

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  7. I know all about that line in the sand.

    It took me a very long time to even become aware that I had drawn it. Even longer to want to cross over it. And longer still to dare to do it.

    Your time will come. When YOU are ready. And not a day sooner. No one can tell you when that will be. You won't even know when it happens. It just will.

    And one day you'll look up and you'll see. And you'll breath.

    And I, all of us, will be right beside you friend, loving you, just as we have been each step along the way.

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  8. So glad for all you are grateful for! It always helps me get through the really tough moments/days, if I can for a little bit, focus on how much I have been blessed. Praying you are feeling God's loving arms wrapped around you. You are in my prayers....many hugs!

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