Saturday, March 6, 2010

The Real 1st Year....

One year ago today, at 11:39 am, Matthew became a part of my life and heart forever.

He was an 8-celled beautiful little embryo, affectionately known as Red Fish (little Blue Fish brother or sister didn't make it)... I don't know if there are any words that could adequately express the hopes and dreams I had that day.

14 weeks ago, at 4:56 pm, my hopes and dreams were actualized in the birth of my beautiful gift of God, my John Matthew. Eight and a half hours later, my world crashed. He was gone. In his daddy's arms...

We survived his first Christmas; partly because I had family and friends surrounding us but mainly because I was still just in shock. As I still sort of have been for the last 14 weeks.

I've read and been told that the first year was going to be the worst for me because I had to make it through all the 'firsts' without him.

Well, even though November 28 technically started that year, for me, today it starts. Today is the day that I can start saying my life was never the same after. Today is the day he became part of my heart and today is the day that will always be bittersweet to me.

Friends, if you pray for me, please pray for me for the next few days. Just inserting the two pictures for this post leaves me sobbing uncontrollably. I cannot tell you how hard it is to be so heartbroken at the same time you are *willing* yourself to be optimistic and hopeful. For John, I likened it to when my mom died and he came home from Japan for two weeks. On one hand, I had just lost my mother and was devastated. Truly, truly devastated. On the other, I was SO ecstatic to see John--I hadn't seen him in several months and had missed him so much. Trying to balance those emotions was seriously the hardest thing I had ever had to do...until now. This is sort of like that, times 5 million. It's one thing to be dealing with a baby boy shaped hole in your heart. It's one thing to be hopeful and prayerful and excited about a new little life growing inside of you.

It's really sort of hellish to be dealing with both at the same time.


  1. I just happened to pop on my computer and saw this update....I am so sorry..crushed..heartbroken for you, Lori. It literally broke my heart to hear you describe how painful it was to post those pictures.

    I have been praying for you and I will pray for you...God knows your needs, even if all I know is to lift up you and your husband's name.

    Praying, praying...

  2. Wish so much John was there. Wish more than anything in the whole wide world that Matthew was. Praying that Yellow Fish is. Loving you so much more every day.
    Praying for you all, always. Always. Love you sweetheart.

  3. You've been on my mind and heart all day today... Now I know why. How hard every "first" is. How hard every "without" is. How hard every minute is. I will pray extra for all the hurts and all the hopes. With love and prayers ongoing...

  4. Just saw the embryo pic. You and your husband make beautiful, perfect life.

  5. What a beautiful baby. I pray for you and little yellow fish.

  6. Hurting so much for you Lori and praying with hope...

  7. Lori - My heart hurts for you ...I will pray for you and John and Matthew and Yellow Fish. Please know I am sending your whole family love and warm thoughts, J

  8. Oh Lori,

    Your words bring tears to my eyes and an ache to my heart. Matthew's picture is absolutely beautiful. What a perfect, beautiful, sweet little boy. I am so sorry. I am so sorry for the struggle taking place now but praying for you and this new little life.


  9. What a bittersweet day.

    I can relate to the crazy up and down emotions. The day we discovered our "Baby A" was no longer with us, we stared at the ultrasound screen in disbelief that the baby had died... heart stopped beating... still. In the same frame on that ultrasound screen was our "Baby B" - jumping and wiggling and waving at us. Totally oblivious to her sibling who had died days earlier. Bittersweet. Sobs, happiness, disbelief, thankfulness, despair, hope. Every time I caught myself being happy I would remind myself of my loss (and have guilt that I wasn't grieving properly). When I would be sobbing over the loss of yet another one of my babies I would then scold myself for not being thankful enough for the wiggly little baby inside.

    Your situation is much different than mine so please don't think I am comparing. Just know that these conflicting emotions, these moments where we find ourself sobbing one moment and then hoping with all of our might the next are shared by your friends.

    Matthew was beautiful. Every time I see a picture he takes my breath away. You are in my prayers.

  10. Sweet Lori,
    I've been pretty sick lately and hadn't made it to your blog in a while. First, you just amaze me the way you continue to reach out and minister to and encourage me in the midst of all you are facing. "Thank you" is not enough. {{{hug}}}
    Second of all, thank you for sharing your First Year. I hate that this is all so hard. I hate that Matthew is not in your arms, while at the same time agreeing with you that God is gracious in allowing Matthew the glory of Heaven. I love that death will be swallowed up in Victory at the end, but hate the reality that death does SO sting in the here and now. {{{hug}}}

    Hadn't read about Yellow and your transfer until just now. Praying with you!!! I'm sure the 18th cannot get here soon enough.

  11. Lori,

    Thank you for allowing us to come to "know" your precious son. I know it was painful to post his picture, but how blessed we are by his story. Through you, Matthew's legacy lives on. And, through you, John and Matthew the lives of others are being made better through the "gift" of things such as the medical equipment wonderful :)

    Honestly, I believe the "firsts" will live within us forever. They will move from "firsts to seconds and so on, but I do believe we will come to a place, someday, that we can embrace the thoughts...."someday"

    I prayed for you today...and will do so again tomorrow, and again the next.


  12. Oh I wish so much that Matthew was still with you. I am praying for you, my friend.

  13. I am SO sorry I am so behind in my reading lately. Of course I am praying for you! Oh Lori, little Matthew was so beautiful! Dear, darling little man! Oh my heart aches for you!

    Thinking of you.

    Sarah xoxo

  14. We started our IVF journey at the end of March last year. You are right, I think it is harder to think of what we were doing this time last year... our hopes and dreams for our two little embryos. We were so innocent, and our goal was to get pregnant. Staying pregnant was never a worry. I am still praying that the little embryo is snuggling in. I really hope you get a positive in the next few weeks.

  15. Matthew's picture with his daddy is beautiful. I think of you and John often and lift you up in prayer many times. May the Lord bless you and keep you!