Sunday, March 7, 2010

On My 37th Birthday...

...I visited the cemetery.

One year and one day after I got the best birthday present in the world, I went to his grave.

How, oh HOW do SO*MANY*WOMEN* do this? Some days, I seriously feel like I will collapse from the weight on my chest, or not ever be able to swallow again because of the sheer size the lump in my throat occupies.

After church this morning, mom and I picked up flowers...I thought a bright, hopeful yellow bouquet was in order.


  1. I have been thinking about your last blog post ever since I read it, and to my surprise the Beth Moore study I'm working on was about a verse that made me think of you even more.

    Lamentations 3:33
    For he does not willingly bring affliction or grief to the children of men.

    I'm sure you've read it in your many books - but just wanted to know I was thinking of you and remembering God's promises to bring us hope, and that His will was not for Matthew's life to end so soon. I am so grateful that He is reminding you of that truth and commend you for sharing it on your blog.

    Praying that you felt God's peace today on your birthday.... and praying for little Yellow Fish too :)

  2. Thinking of you on this day and praying for you, Matthew and Yellow Fish.

  3. I just can't stand this for you. I think I'll get down on my knees. Again. Love you.

  4. I have thought of you a lot today. Thank you for your prayers for me, and know that I am praying for you.

  5. Dear, Dear Lori,

    I am a friend of yours who reads your posts everyday, but I fail to respond to each one, as I am lost for words, smitten by the use of your words.
    My heart is heavy and sad for you, and I wish I could just wave a magic wand and bring Matthew back to you and take all the hurt away. But I can not,and makes me feel helpless. Please know I love you, I think about you everyday and pray for you, John, Matthew and yellow fish constantly!
    I am a mom of 4 and let me tell you, I wish I was half the mother you are! My kids miss seeing you on a daily basis at school. It sure is not the same w/out you there. You have such an impact on the children at school, since you left, my son does not want to go to school anymore, he misses you, it makes me so sad that there are not enough people/teachers our there like you, who make kids enjoy going to school. So THANK YOU from the bottom of my heart for walking into our lives. You are an amazing, AMAZING MOTHER,teacher, friend, wife, sister, daughter and woman. I LOVE YOU!
    I hope you had the best birthday you could have had today! Happy Birthday! Lots of love and hugs!

  6. I dont know how we do it... I really dont.

  7. Happy Birthday Love....

    Just keep putting one foot in front of the other, that is how we do it. And, it is not easy, but we keep walking.

    The photo is gripping, as no parent should be doing this. *tears* Love the flowers, they are a ray of sunshine, just like Matthew.


  8. Lori,

    I cannot begin to imagine your grief and I really have no words that can offer you the comfort you need, but I am praying for you, Yellow Fish, Matthew and your DH. Though we've never met in person, I am so thankful already for the support you've shown me through HH and for sharing your life through your blog.

    Wishing you perfect peace on your birthday (my birthday is tomorrow, btw!) and for Yellow Fish to be another wonderful birthday gift for you!

    Tina (from the HH forums)

  9. Yellow is perfect. We went to Madelyn's grave yesterday, and took her some pink and yellow tulips.

    It still feels so surreal to me, every time I visit her grave.

  10. No words, dear Lori. Just all my love and hugs winging their way from my heart to yours.

    Sarah xoxo

  11. Oh dear friend, I don't know if it ever gets easier. On the boys birthday we started the day by taking a balloon and birthday card to the cemetery to place on Zac's never gets easier. I said to my husband "you'd think for as often as I come here it would start to sink in...but every time I leave I feel like I'm living a nightmare over and over again."
    I am so very sorry that this is where we have to "visit" our sons. No mother should ever have to go through that!!! It is the worst, most cruel experience ever.
    I am thinking of you and praying for you.
    Missing sweet Matthew with you!

  12. I hate that you have to go through this dear. Visiting to boys is a huge heartache, and visiting them gives me a great sense of connection. Seeing their headstone for the first time REALLY upset me. I sat there for a long time and just stared at our last name... and our babies names. I kept thinking, "How am I that person who visits her babies here?". I am so sorry you have to feel these feelings too. I wish that we could all go back and make things turn out differently.
    Big hugs dear. I am praying for you.

  13. I am so sorry...words can not be expressed or be adequate enough. This is hard, but keep leaning on Him, Lori...I will be doing that, also.

    Thinking of you and have been praying for you...
    Hugs and love...

  14. As I read your blog, my soul is stirred, Lori. For it has been soo many years since we have crossed paths, but you are the bubbly girl that introduced me to MaryKay and my first facial. I am not sure if you remember this? I remember what a trooper your mama was, she gave you free range of her kitchen to do MaryKay Facials and cook up a hot dog feast. How funny! As I get older, I appreciate more and more these pure innocent moments in my journey called life. For...I like to recall upon such memories when life doesn't seem so pure anymore. I send you vibes of gratitude for such wonderful clean memories....not to mention some good make-up tips that I still use today :) ....Today, as a childhood makeup buddy, a woman, a fellow educator, a mother and a sister through God; I can't help but to stop and drop to pray after reading your words. I thank you for sharing your words with me, I encourage you for deserve it, and I love you for God tells me it is cool. I wish I could type something really great and poof ....but.....I will let you know...I got this mustard seed, my knees to kneel with and this mouth to ask my elders for prayer chains dedicated to you. ...I am rooting for you, John and your well behaved (never chew on anything) Golden Retrievers..With love, light and MaryKay goodness

  15. Your are in my thoughts and prayers. I know how hard it is, and all you want to do is keep being the selfless mom that you are and think about your angel and honoring him. You are amazing. Sending belated happy birthday hugs xxxooo Nan