Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Please don't be offended...

...but I have to say this or my chest will simply explode.

I do not think that my baby son died to teach me a lesson.
My God loves me.

I do not think that He planned for him to be born, only to die tragically 8 hours later.
My God loves me.

I do not think Matthew is an angel. God created him as my beautiful son and he is with angels.
My God loves me.

God knew my heart would be broken but He knew I had support and He'd get me through.
My God loves my son and would not let Matthew suffer.

I do not think God afflicted Matthew or me for a greater good.
My God loves me and my son and can make good out of any evil.

I just don't think those things. I just don't. In my opinion, they go against any picture of God we are given through Jesus. I readily admit that I am no spiritual or theological guru, but there are a few things that don't need any analyzing or maturity to know--and some are that God is good, God detests and battles evil, and God is Love.

Love is pure and deep and love is strong...which is why my heart hurts so much right now as I miss my son.

Most importantly, love never fails.


  1. God is a loving God. Love and prayers ongoing.

  2. All these things are very true.....and somehow, someway good will come from evil. He does that for us. Lots of love, Lori. xxx

  3. Lori,

    People have such a hard time seeing events as random happenings, not brought on by our own actions or God's need to "teach us a lesson". Our world is not a perfect world, nothing is guaranteed...and sometimes bad things simply happen, The End. IT doesn't mean God had it in for us, it doesn't mean we messed up somewhere along the way. It

    You are working through your loss and you are slowly healing. It still may not feel like it, but in reading your posts I can see the gradual process occur. Continue to struggle, continue to write...continue to hope for a time when your gut doesn't cry out in agony, for it will come.

    Yellow Fish, you will not be a replacement, you will be your own wonderful self whom many of us will joyously await.

  4. wow, Lori, sometimes I think we are on almost parallel journeys, as I can truly relate to just about everything you write about. Our babies' due dates were also pretty much the same, so we even experienced pregnancy milestones at the same time.

    This post of yours included the same things I've been thinking about lately, and feel like I have to remind myself about (and occasionally others.) I've been reading "If God is Good" by Randy Alcorn, and it addresses the problem of evil and suffering in the world and how people will use that as a failed argument against an all-good, all-loving God. It has really strengthened my belief in how good God is, even though our arms are empty. Maybe when I'm finished, we can switch books and you can send me the one you were talking about too. :)
    with love and prayers,

  5. I hear you my friend. God is good and He loves us. No offense taken here. Stay strong!


  6. I agree 100%. Just because God can work through terrible things does not mean He causes them.

  7. Thank you for always sharing the innermost of your heart! Thank you for speaking so much of what is on my heart. Thank you for being vulnerable and real!
    You are precious, as is Matthew!

    Heather (HeathersHope - HP)

  8. I so agree with you! I don't think God caused my Carleigh to have anencephaly. I do believe it knew it would happen but he didn't cause it. I also don't believe that Carleigh is an angel b/c humans can't be angels! I do use the word angel as an endearing term though, but that's it. God surely can bring good out of anything.

  9. I agree with you too!! One of the comments I got over & over that just infuriated me was 'God knew what He was doing'. Yes, He does know & he didn't kill my babies, He doesn't cause suffering or pain or fear to make us stronger, but He will make beautiful things come from those negative experiences. I say it over & over, God is good all the time, all the time, God is good!!

    You're a blessing, I can't imagine your loss of beautiful Matthew & I know yellow fish is not a replacement, he/she will be a sweet younger sibling!! Praying for goodness, for peace for your heart, & an uneventful pregnancy that ends with your baby home, happy & healthy, with you!!!

  10. I am so glad you are continuing your blog. I know you have a lot of therapeutic outlets, but I really believe this one helps you more than you know. And I am so thankful you have it. Love you.

  11. You said it perfectly... Love is pure and deep and love is strong. So, so true. I love how you speak from your heart.

  12. I so agree. People try to rationalize things for us, to make us feel better. But, they don't truly understand. Thinking of you and Matthew!

  13. Amen.

    Lots of love and hugs coming your way, sweet lady. xoxo