Wednesday, March 17, 2010

It's not easy (seeing) green...

What. A. Hard. Day.

I would imagine that if you are reading this, you'd imagine that *I* would be consumed with anxiety about tomorrow. Especially if you know me in real life. And I know many of you do and are laughing this second and saying, "Yep."

You'd be wrong.

I *am* terrified about tomorrow, because I desperately would love for my little Yellow Fish to be happily growing and living within me but the anxiety is more in the KNOWING than the not. I know that sounds weird, as I keep saying that knowing will at least allow me to plan, and that's true. Knowing can also bring more heartache...no, WILL bring more heartache, and frankly, I'm sort of ok NOT knowing and still hoping. Hence my resolve of steel in not taking a test early.

I'm consumed, though...I'm consumed with heartache. It's torturous. It's wretched. I'm tormented.

I miss my son. I miss my child. I miss the little boy I carried and gave birth to. I miss John Matthew Ennis. Beyond belief.

I went to the cemetery after Bible study (Which, by the way, was absolutely humbling. If you have never had a group of women surround you with love and prayers, literally, I highly recommend it.). I took some new flowers (called a Garden of Hope bouquet) and the sun was glorious. It is such a beautiful day. And as I sat there at his site, sobbing more than I have sobbed in a while, I just couldn't get past the growth of the new grass, which I think was thrown down at the funeral. Soft and bright, kelly green grass. Beautiful and new little blades of baby grass.

And I thought, "This is the green I get for my son on St. Patrick's Day? This is all I get? The grass gets to grow but my son doesn't?"

And I wept more.

I'm consumed alright. I am so conflicted because I of course have been on my knees begging for a positive pregnancy test tomorrow, but that's been overshadowed by the fact that I miss Matthew. I sat at that grave, where I had to leave his little body 15 weeks ago and could not believe that this is my life. That that was HIS life.

And yet, I heard a term this morning that made my heart feel a little lighter. Beth Moore (LOVE HER!) was speaking about praise and talked about the kind of praise you give when your heart is broken. She called it the 'sacrifice of praise' and I knew exactly what she meant. Praise God even though your heart is broken. That we choose to praise Him even when we feel so crushed.

And I do. I praise Him every day for the miracle of Matthew. That He made me a mother. That He allowed me to love and learn about that precious little boy. I can, if nothing else, never have enough gratitude to God for the most amazing thing that has ever happened to John and me.

Little Yellow Fish, I praise God for you too. For the sheer hope in you that I have. I know that if tomorrow is negative, I will survive because I've already had the worst thing imaginable happen to me and I still breathe. But oh how I will rejoice if it is positive. Please know that though my heart just weeps because I miss Matthew, there is so, so, SO much room in it still for the miracle you would be.

25 comments:

  1. Lori-I pray for you everyday and pray for a positive result tomorrow. You are never far from my thoughts and prayers!!

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  2. Love you and praying for you. Hoping tomorrow is positive and a day to celebrate! Love, J

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  3. Lori, praying for you right now...kelly.

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  4. I'm thinking of you Lori and sending love. This process is so difficult. I'm hoping and praying that tomorrow brings positive results. Waiting with you. xxoo

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  5. oohhhhh lori!
    i too had a VERY hard time with the new green grass on her grave.

    what amazing words!!!! the sacrifice of praise! thank you! so perfect.

    ok, here's what the Lord laid on my heart this afternoon, maybe for you it will answer something in your heart too.

    exodus 14:13" but moses told the people, 'don't be afraid. just stand still and watch the Lord rescue you today. THE EGYPTIANS YOU SEE TODAY WILL NEVER BE SEEN AGAIN. the Lord Himself will fight for you. just stay calm.'"

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  6. Hoping and praying with you and for you.

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  7. Oh Lori, I am praying for you especially today and tomorrow. Have faith and keep your chin up... all in God's time girl.

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  8. Praying for you and for His peace to surround you even in new ways as you've never experienced it yet. His mercies are new every day! I'm sorry that you know so well what a sacrifice of praise is and can relate so well to that. But praise Jesus that we have him to give our praise to during all our bad and good times. Otherwise I don't know how we would make it through this life! Praying for new life and new beginnings for you and John.

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  9. Lori:

    If you get a positive tomorrow, we will all rejoice with you. Either way, we continue to pray with you.

    Kathy W

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  10. I'm still praying for you. I'm hoping that the extra teariness are pregnancy hormones..... Stay strong!

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  11. I was a bubbly mess last night with excitement about your test. I thought today was Thursday. *slaps forhead*
    Guess I'll be a bubbly mess again tonight.

    Positive vibes ALL. THE. WAY!

    Loads and loads of love and hugs.

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  12. Maryanne JouvenalMarch 17, 2010 at 6:15 PM

    Sending you lots of love, hugs and prayers.

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  13. Such a beautiful post, Lori. I am hoping with you tomorrow. I hadn't read about that in a long time, sacrifice of praise, but how true. I love Beth Moore too, I went to one of her bible studies when my marriage was hitting rock bottom and God used her study in such a mighty way. Thinking of you and *praying* for a positive test tomorrow!!!

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  14. Mountain or valley, we will be there with you. Praying for a mountain for you tomorrow.

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  15. I am thinking of you and waiting with you for tomorrow.

    This is such a beautiful post.

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  16. Lori,

    Sweet friend, I am sending love and much prayer your way. I pray for you and I pray for yellow fish...I pray for the burdens of your heart.

    Most of all, I am praying that tomorrow is a day of JOY.

    I also cry tears of remembrance with you, as we honor Matthew's life and as we honor you as his Mommy. You must be so consumed with emotion and I am sorry for your hurt and pain. Just know that I CARE :)

    Praying for you right this very minute and in the hours and days ahead. I have to believe all will be well.

    Much Love
    xoxo

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  17. Praying for strength for you and John. No matter what tomorrow brings, you're sure to be flooded with many conflicting emotions on top of the grief. Lots of hopeful thoughts sent your way that March 18th officially begins your journey with Yellow Fish.

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  18. I will be thinking of you tomorrow and hoping with you!

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  19. What a perfect way to tell Yellow Fish how much you love him and hope for him while still explaining to him all you're feeling about Matthew. Of course you miss Matthew. You will always miss Matthew. You will always have room in your heart to love Yellow Fish. You are THEIR mother. How could it be otherwise? You are just learning in a very difficult way something all parents of more than one child learn when their second child comes about: your heart does not have limits when it comes to loving your children.
    Sydney and I are making a special batch of cookies tomorrow- for your babies.

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  20. praying for a positive test tomorrow and a healthy baby to follow 9 months from now.
    love in Christ,
    lauren

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  21. I keep thinking of Casting Crowns as I read this...Praise You In This Storm...you are doing that! What If His People Prayed...WE are doing that! Go little Yellow!!

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  22. Lori, you put your feelings and emotions into words so beautifully. Thinking about you!

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  23. I think I understand when you mention the heartache of knowing you are pregnant again. When I truly realized that Mike and I could start ttc again I panicked and felt really upset that I would be pregnant with another child and it would not be Julia, that she was gone. I felt so heavy with grief for her loss.

    I'll be thinking of you tomorrow and hoping that YF has made a comfy home. :)

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  24. Lori,
    Thinking of you and praying for you always. Best wishes for tomorrow (and everyday). Sending lots of love & hugs!

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  25. I am praying for you today Lori. I really hope you get great news today. Big hugs dear.

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