Friday, March 12, 2010

Tough Week...

Man, seems like I say that all the time.

Wait, I do.

I'm having a rough day. I'm trying, trying, trying to be hopeful about next Thursday (and the 2ww is excruciating) and yet, torturing myself at the same time by looking up everything known to man about FETs, including images of blastocysts and comparing poor little Yellow Fish to good looking ones and not so good looking ones. I stopped doing that, actually, because he/she seems to fall in company more with the not so good looking ones and THAT'S not helping.
I can see mom rolling her eyes right this second about me being on the computer and telling me, "Get off the Internet!"

(Don't fret...I know she reads it...she's probably laughing because I bet I'm right!)

Today would have been my dear, sweet Grandma Gosnell's 97th birthday. I miss her so much, still. A year ago, I wrote about her. As much as I love her, I can't bring myself to do it today because I'm already stock full on things to cry about, and can't add to the load. I am guaranteed of this: If in Heaven, we are aware of the relationships we have with each other on earth, then there is no doubt in my mind that she has been stuck to my little Matthew like glue. Glue.

I have come across so, so many women who are suffering through hard 'anniversaries' in March and I am just overwhelmed. My heart breaks for them because I just know how much my heart hurts and I just weep for theirs hurting.

I am very blessed to be part of an amazing (though heartbreaking) Bible Study and seriously, last night, my heart just sobbed. Literally. I'm sure that all the hormones and missing Matthew certainly doesn't make me very tough when listening to each woman, but honestly...I was overcome with SUCH SORROW.

There is just SUCH, SUCH SORROW in this world.

I miss John. He has been a Marine for over 13 years. In all that time, I *may* be able to count on both hands the times that I TRULY was panicked and thought something was going to or had happened to him. I ALWAYS worry about him (especially since he's such an aggressive driver, and YES, that is a purposeful statement aimed at shaming him into not being so...) but when we got married and I realized I was marrying a man whose job was to defend our country (in a metal vehicle that defies gravity, no less) I made my peace with God that whatever happened, I could NOT worry about it or I'd literally go insane.

And, truthfully, I was naive. I know it sounds awful, but really... OTHER people's husbands die in the military. You pray for and go to funerals for OTHER people's husbands. Though you know there is always a chance, it doesn't REALLY happen to you, does it?

Yeah...well, that's sort of the same thing, the same innocence (protective shield, defense mechanism, whatever you want to call it) a lot of women go through with pregnancy. You *HEAR* about terrible and sad stories, but that won't be you, right? At least that's what everyone TOLD me.

I, unfortunately, have always lived my life waiting for the other shoe to drop.

When it does, you almost feel (and I know this sounds weird if you luckily live life NOT as Worst-case Scenario Sue) vindicated. You want to scream, "SEE! SEE! I TOLD YOU. I TOLD YOU IT HAPPENS. I TOLD YOU. I'm not neurotic or crazy, I'm realistic. Horrible things DO happen."

So now, experiencing something so rare that even our medical professionals are still in shock over, I have lost that comfort of knowing that odds are, John will be just fine.

Odds were...EXCELLENT odds, mind you...odds were that I'd be cuddling my 3 and a half month-old this very minute.

So not only do I miss John, I regularly wonder, as he walks out the door each morning, if I will ever see him again. If I will be left not only as a mother without her child but as a wife without her husband.

I'm not sleeping well...I fall asleep ok (after midnight mostly, so maybe NOT that ok!) but for the last week or so I've been waking up around 5 am and tossing and turning for a couple more hours. Anxiety. As I wake up, I INSTANTLY chant to myself, "Be anxious for nothing..." but then I realize that I was very, very anxious over the summer about Matthew because I'd just heard a heartbreaking story of a couple losing their firstborn to a cord accident at birth, and I just panicked. The next week, in church, we went over Philippians 4, and on August 9, 2009, I dated my Bible in my re-recognition of not being anxious about Matthew. He was going to be fine and that study of that verse that day reaffirmed that to me.
I still try to cling to that verse, but's really, really hard to cling with my whole heart. In fact, I just can' whole heart doesn't exist any more--it's missing such a big, big piece.

I guess I'm just feeling more broken today than normally.

Little Yellow, I'm so sorry if you have dug yourself in and can't wait for me to take the test next week so I know that. I'm sorry that I'm doubting that will be the case, and I'm praying every time I close my eyes for you to be with me. I was on my knees last night begging God to help make the dream of you the reality. I begged Him to let me be pregnant with you and carry you, deliver you and raise you. I'm begging Him this very second.

Seems like I do a lot of that these days too...


  1. Wow it's so strange how many people are having bad days today. I wish I could just crawl into a corner and cry. This day has turned out to be miserable! I will be praying for those 2 pink littles lines or the HCG levels to be up. I am praying that little yellow will take hold and bring you the enjoyment in life that you so desperately need.


  2. I am wishing the best for little yellow fish and that you are pregnant!! So sorry you are having a tough week. This seems to be a hard time of year for many of us.

    I found that I can bury myself in the internet and just get so consumed with all the info out there. I have read so many heartbreaking stories and my heart aches for every single one of them.

    Thinking of you! xo

  3. Lori, Im thinking about you, and praying for you. The waiting game is the worst. Time goes by so slowly when we are forced to wait for it to go by. I know group can be tough at times, but know that it WILL get better. There will be profound moments of relief and even joy ahead. Thank you so much for all you contribute to group, your heart felt words, your loving in assurance. We so very much appreciate you.

  4. March is a month of sadness for me too Lori. Last march 15 we lost our first and now this year march 3rd we lost our 3rd. I pray for you to make it through these hard days and find some peace.

  5. Praying for you: peace, comfort, strength, hope. And a special note to YF: Stick, little Yellow Fish!

    Word verification: wingsper. It gave me pretty images of the wings of "metal vehicles that defy gravity," angel wings, and a whisper-brush of comfort.

  6. (((Lori))) I totally get the whole "vindication" feeling! When I got pregnant with twins again I felt SO on guard!! I couldn't enjoy my pregnancy until at least 14-15 weeks. Finally at around 20 weeks we FINALLY let ourselves start to believe this was real and bought the boys cribs. I was white as a ghost walking in the store and felt like I was doomed for some reason. Strange now looking back how my instincts were sadly far too correct :(
    BUT, I know that whatever the future holds I MUST move forward TRYING to hold fast to God and hope! I also understand how verses that seemed to assure our childrens safety now seem a bit empty in a way. I know that's how the enemy wants us to see it, but it's hard to know if I just read what I WANTED to read in to these verses. I know God doesn't work that way though.
    And I pray that you will have peaceful moments with Yellow Fish on board, and I pray that your test will bring joy to your life. I know I can't say "I'm SURE it will be fine"...because that would be a lie...but I PRAY that your hearts desire will be met, and I pray that whatever the results God will be with you right by your side and you will rest in Him.
    Praying that the enemy will not have a foothold with bringing fear, anxiety or uncertainty to your mind so that you will be able to rest and hold fast that God is with both John and Little Fish...and Matthew and your Grandma.
    It's hard not to have tough weeks when you are still trying to process the shock of all that has happened.
    I am praying for you!!!
    Heather (HeathersHope - HP)

  7. Praying for your Little Yellow, Lori. I am sorry you are having a rough day. I get scared too about my hubs and wonder if I will end up with those rare odds of being a babyloss mama and a widow. Life is just so different. Wish I had something that could ease your fears. Praying for you, Lori


  8. I know those feelings of "the other shoe"'s just not fair that we can no longer be naive that all is right with the world. We are no less protected that the "other" person. And it all just stinks.

    I hung on to that same verse...even if you are only holding on by your pinky finger, just hang on. I pray daily for you & Yellow Fish. ((hugs))

  9. Lori - I thought I had the copyright on the phrase "tough week"? No? And, I am sorry. I understand ... not exactly, of course ... but pain, and the challenge of getting through the day ... and I know you wish things could be easier and better and more sunny. I hope they are, sooner rather than later ... I hope this spring will be a time of joy and renewal for you and maybe some exciting news about YF. Please know so many people are there for you that care about you and love you, good times or bad. - J

  10. (((((HUGS))))) lori, just wanted you to know that i am praying for sweet little yellow fish EVERY day! i've called my prayer warrior friends and added yellow fish to every prayer list. you are all surrounded by such a huge prayer covering! i hope that knowing that helps you feel less alone and maybe eases the burden just a smidge.

    my mom has a special heart for women trying to get pregnant and she is praying too.

    i understand that feeling of losing the innocence of "that only happens to OTHER people". i recently had a conversation with a mom eminently due with her #2 and as hormones do, she was fretting over the "what ifs". i didn't say it but i thought it, "statistically, you won't have those issues because I"M that 1 in a 1000. i filled that spot so that you didn't have to." but i just smiled and said i'd be praying that all would be fine because really, it's never fun to welcome a new member to this wretched club.

    guess i'm rambling, sorry, i am anxiously awaiting news on tuesday!!! i'm going to say special prayers for you! :)

  11. Lori,
    You are always one to give such uplifting comments and wonderful support. Thank you for your comments regarding our Anna! I truly appreciate your support.

    I'm not as good with words as you are, so instead of saying the wrong thing, I'll just say this:

    Here's to yellow fish! May he/she be growing strong and healthy as I type. Can't wait to hear your news about yellow fish!

    In Christ,

  12. I will speak for your mother- get off the internet!!! You will drive yourself crazy looking at the stuff on there. Yellow fish is nice and cozy right now just waiting for March 18th, which, if I am not mistaken is this very week. Not long now, Lori, not long at all. Waiting on bended knees.

  13. I hope today is a bit better day. There is so much to be anxious about, and even though we know it doesn't do any good, that doesn't change how we feel. Be gentle with yourself as you wait.

    You've been on my mind a lot lately, and I lift you up in prayer whenever I realize it.

  14. I am praying so hard for yellow fish to burrow deeply in your uterus and announce his/her presence next week!

  15. When I read your blog it feels as if you are trying SO hard. You have a strong spiritual background, so you know that life will unfold for you in its own time. Try to shift your focus externally for a while and let yourself rest mentally and emotionally; then you can come back to your struggles when you're feeling stronger.