I know that I was not feeling very positive last year with Matthew--in fact, the day before my beta, I KNEW I wasn't pregnant, so I just had popcorn for lunch because that's all I felt like eating. I did notice some changes in my body, but attributed that to the drugs.
I feel the same way now. It's hard to note any changes to my body, seeing as my stomach shape is FOREVER changed with the c-section, and I just kept tossing and turning last night and feeling like the test on Thursday is going to be negative.
I love Shady Grove, goodness knows I do, but waiting for 14 days for a FET beta is excruciating! I'm on boards with women who did their FETs 2 days before me and have already tested positive! Most clinics say 9-11 days for a blast FET. Shady Grove still wants 14. I guess in a way, that's good, since John still isn't here, and the longer I can HOPE it could be positive without him being here, the better. The worst part will be KNOWING it's negative and him still not being here, so I'm sort of ok with it being pushed out. I'd just like to know so I can make plans...plans for school, plans for what to do for our next cycle, heck--plans for a new Mac because I am FED up with my laptop. My ancient 7 year-old desktop is working better than my laptop and we are both just DONE with PC, I think.
Not to mention, it would be nice to have some definitive hope. Rather, some tangible, definitive hope.
I pray every night for God to renew my hope in Him. I'm trying to be faithful to that. It's just so, so hard when I look at a closed nursery door day in, day out. A room never to be used for my Matthew. I really feel these days a lot like I did when he first died--just desolate and destroyed.
Destroyed. I'm trying very hard to fight that...
I know how hard it is girl! =/ Especially about the nursery. I peek in there from time to time, last week...I went in, opened her closet, and just cried. We are trying to sell our house, and that's going to be even harder... because I'm going to have to pack up all of her things. **sigh** I am praying for you Lori...my husband is too.
ReplyDeleteLori, I have been praying for you. I woke up this morning at 6:00 with you on my heart. Thursday is a long time to wait. But I remain hopeful for you=). Please let us know when you get the results....
ReplyDeleteI will remain hopeful. No matter what we learn, I will remain hopeful.
ReplyDeleteHugs hugs hugs hugs hugs hugs ... keeping my fingers (and legs and arms) crossed for you!
ReplyDeleteI am praying for you so much right now. I can only imagine how hard getting through today and tomorrow will be - I find when I'm waiting, the last couple of days feel the longest.
ReplyDeleteAnd I am here for you, no matter what you find out. I am praying ever so hard that you will get your BFP, but just no, no matter what, I am here.
I'm keeping hope for you. As soon as I loose it for my friends here I loose it for myself. Stay strong and try to think positive. I know it is hard, but we all want you to have a positive test.
ReplyDelete{{{HUGS}}}
Lori Lori Lori...Not feeling positive, well..I think that's a normal feeling. U wrote it yourself u felt the same way last year.
ReplyDeleteI am soooooo anxious for u and I can't imagine how u r feeling. I can feel it in your words. I've seen u like this before...The worrying, the anxiety, the hormones hard at work trying to catch up with you. Visa versa! Soooo ..what I'm going to do, is just pray, pray pray! A band of prayers..
~The waiting' is what keeps you living. The answer is what will keep you going'~
This Thursday we'll know?
When I read your post, I thought of this verse:
ReplyDelete"Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer".
Romans 12:12
I will pray for joy, hope, patience and faith in our loving God for you. Hoping and praying with you :).
(((Lori))) - fighting for you and YF in prayer!
ReplyDeleteLori,
ReplyDeleteSendng hugs and prayers for you. Hoping for a pos, but what ever the outcome i pray god gives you strength and peace. Sending you Lots of Love.
These days that we struggle, we must remember to breathe, deep breaths hon. Praying for you xxxooo Nan
ReplyDeletelori.... praying every breath for you! xoxoxox until your hubby comes home and you can brave the results together. praying that God will be BIG for you right now:D
ReplyDeletewaiting breathlessly for your thursday post!
ps i LOVE my mac too :)
Thinking of you!
ReplyDeleteTotally understandable. Feel what you need to feel. It's OK. I'm just gonna double up on my positive feelings for you, Mmmkay.
ReplyDeleteLoads of hugs
Hey sweetheart, sorry you're having a rough time. It's weird how grief sneaks up on you! I'm hoping the award on my blog for you will send you a little cheer!! Hugs!
ReplyDeleteLori, I am new to your blog and was heartbroken to read about your sweet, beautiful son. I am praying for you and John. I pray that Thurs you get wonderful, fantastic positive news and will rejoice with you when you let us know the result.
ReplyDeleteLori, it's nice to meet you through Deni's nomination. I'm so sorry for the loss of your Mathew. And I'm saying a prayer for you right now, that God would be as close as your own breath and that you'd have the answers you want very soon.
ReplyDeleteI know if we keep on searching for that hope we will find it. It is there for us, waiting. Know that you are not alone with these troubled feelings and that they will leave us.
ReplyDeleteWaiting can be so hard, I know that when we start trying again each step will seem like an eternity, but somehow we will make it through, one day at a time. I know you will make it through too, one day at a time. Hugs, and sending hope your way!
Hi Lori,
ReplyDeleteI hope today is finding you well and that your heart is healing. Just sending you some love and asking that you stop by my blog b/c you have been awarded. Hugs