I know that I was not feeling very positive last year with Matthew--in fact, the day before my beta, I KNEW I wasn't pregnant, so I just had popcorn for lunch because that's all I felt like eating. I did notice some changes in my body, but attributed that to the drugs.
I feel the same way now. It's hard to note any changes to my body, seeing as my stomach shape is FOREVER changed with the c-section, and I just kept tossing and turning last night and feeling like the test on Thursday is going to be negative.
I love Shady Grove, goodness knows I do, but waiting for 14 days for a FET beta is excruciating! I'm on boards with women who did their FETs 2 days before me and have already tested positive! Most clinics say 9-11 days for a blast FET. Shady Grove still wants 14. I guess in a way, that's good, since John still isn't here, and the longer I can HOPE it could be positive without him being here, the better. The worst part will be KNOWING it's negative and him still not being here, so I'm sort of ok with it being pushed out. I'd just like to know so I can make plans...plans for school, plans for what to do for our next cycle, heck--plans for a new Mac because I am FED up with my laptop. My ancient 7 year-old desktop is working better than my laptop and we are both just DONE with PC, I think.
Not to mention, it would be nice to have some definitive hope. Rather, some tangible, definitive hope.
I pray every night for God to renew my hope in Him. I'm trying to be faithful to that. It's just so, so hard when I look at a closed nursery door day in, day out. A room never to be used for my Matthew. I really feel these days a lot like I did when he first died--just desolate and destroyed.
Destroyed. I'm trying very hard to fight that...