...has been somewhat of a theme these last 14 weeks, hasn't it?
So, today, as my heart has been somewhat heavy missing Matthew, I did something I RARELY do on Facebook--I did the "On this day, God wants you to know..." application. I really do NOT believe in horoscope or anything like that, nor do I give much credence to any of the Facebook quizzes (which sadly, doesn't always stop me from doing the stupid things!) or applications.
But today, I clicked on it. This is what it said:
On this day of your life, Lori, we believe God wants you to know ... that all is well.
All is going according to plan. Trust that there is a bigger picture. Trust that life is unfolding as it should.
Now, I'm going to go ahead and ruffle feathers. I have a problem (or two) with this statement. I believe Matthew is whole and though it is hard to imagine most days, I believe I will see his sweet face again and hear him call me Mommy. I DON'T, however, think that God's plan was to bless us with the miracle of Matthew only to pluck him away from us, leaving me with only 40 weeks of living inside of me, the back of his sweet little head and a brush of his cheek and shoulder. I just don't. God's plans for me are for me to prosper and not to harm me. I believe with all my heart that Matthew dying was God loving Matthew so much that He REFUSED to let him suffer on this earth as he would have. In grief, we are so often referred to the book of Job and reminded of the fact that GOD was not killing Job's family or ruining his life. He ALLOWED it to happen because we live in a world of free will. He even told Job that Job had NO IDEA of what goes on in God's realm and what battles with evil God fights, and therefore, he had NO place railing at God for things of which he did not know or understand.
Therefore, I don't think my life is unfolding as it should. I SHOULD be raising Matthew.
Before anybody feels the need to preach to me about the sovereignty of God, I beg of you to not. I am desperately, desperately, desperately seeking God in all of this, and I am in no way, shape or form questioning His sovereignty. I have NO doubt that He is. He created a world in which we were given the choice to love and follow Him or not. It is because He is sovereign that this is possible. I don't really even feel like going on about this, so I won't. I will just say this: to me, the spiritual warfare that was the basis for Matthew's death revealed God's mercy and love for my son in His decision to save him from incomprehensible suffering.
The point to all of this, though, is that I DO believe there is a bigger picture and I DON'T know what it is. I know it is a good one because God loves me and wants that for me. I pray that little Yellow is part of that, but if not, I will not blame God because bad things happen to good people, even (and often especially) to those God loves and for whom He wants good things.
But here's one thing I DO think God wants me to know: All is well. My heart hurts; I still have questions and I still just thank God each day that I made it through another day. But, I do so because He's held me in His hands...and all is well.
Sweet Matthew, I can hardly take a breath deep enough to recover from the aching I have for you. I would give just about anything in this world to have you here with me right now.
Sweet little YF, you have no idea how much joy and happiness it would bring me to introduce you to the world in 35 weeks as my second bundle of joy. Please, please make yourself at home.