Friday, March 5, 2010

The bigger picture...

...has been somewhat of a theme these last 14 weeks, hasn't it?

So, today, as my heart has been somewhat heavy missing Matthew, I did something I RARELY do on Facebook--I did the "On this day, God wants you to know..." application. I really do NOT believe in horoscope or anything like that, nor do I give much credence to any of the Facebook quizzes (which sadly, doesn't always stop me from doing the stupid things!) or applications.

But today, I clicked on it. This is what it said:

On this day of your life, Lori, we believe God wants you to know ... that all is well.
All is going according to plan. Trust that there is a bigger picture. Trust that life is unfolding as it should.

Now, I'm going to go ahead and ruffle feathers. I have a problem (or two) with this statement. I believe Matthew is whole and though it is hard to imagine most days, I believe I will see his sweet face again and hear him call me Mommy. I DON'T, however, think that God's plan was to bless us with the miracle of Matthew only to pluck him away from us, leaving me with only 40 weeks of living inside of me, the back of his sweet little head and a brush of his cheek and shoulder. I just don't. God's plans for me are for me to prosper and not to harm me. I believe with all my heart that Matthew dying was God loving Matthew so much that He REFUSED to let him suffer on this earth as he would have. In grief, we are so often referred to the book of Job and reminded of the fact that GOD was not killing Job's family or ruining his life. He ALLOWED it to happen because we live in a world of free will. He even told Job that Job had NO IDEA of what goes on in God's realm and what battles with evil God fights, and therefore, he had NO place railing at God for things of which he did not know or understand.

Therefore, I don't think my life is unfolding as it should. I SHOULD be raising Matthew.

Before anybody feels the need to preach to me about the sovereignty of God, I beg of you to not. I am desperately, desperately, desperately seeking God in all of this, and I am in no way, shape or form questioning His sovereignty. I have NO doubt that He is. He created a world in which we were given the choice to love and follow Him or not. It is because He is sovereign that this is possible. I don't really even feel like going on about this, so I won't. I will just say this: to me, the spiritual warfare that was the basis for Matthew's death revealed God's mercy and love for my son in His decision to save him from incomprehensible suffering.

The point to all of this, though, is that I DO believe there is a bigger picture and I DON'T know what it is. I know it is a good one because God loves me and wants that for me. I pray that little Yellow is part of that, but if not, I will not blame God because bad things happen to good people, even (and often especially) to those God loves and for whom He wants good things.

But here's one thing I DO think God wants me to know: All is well. My heart hurts; I still have questions and I still just thank God each day that I made it through another day. But, I do so because He's held me in His hands...and all is well.

Sweet Matthew, I can hardly take a breath deep enough to recover from the aching I have for you. I would give just about anything in this world to have you here with me right now.

Sweet little YF, you have no idea how much joy and happiness it would bring me to introduce you to the world in 35 weeks as my second bundle of joy. Please, please make yourself at home.


  1. Praying that the bigger picture has a yellow fish swimming in the tank. Love you.

  2. I've been musing over the same things lately....wondering if I'll ever understand. And since I probably won't, I'll just keep trusting that He works all things for good. But gosh, it's made me a bit weary lately. Lots of love and prayers to you with your new "fish." :)

  3. I agree with you wholeheartedly on the quality of most facebook quizzes... and agree with you even more about God's love for you and for Matthew. Praying for you and Yellow Fish... praying with confidence knowing that God hears our prayers and loves us without measure!

  4. I am praying for you and Yellow Fish!!!

  5. Lori,

    You WILL hear Matthew call you Mommy, just as I will see my sweet Christian's face in Heaven. They will be happy, healthy and whole.

    Praying for little yellow fish and for you sweet friend.

    Much Love

  6. Lori, I hear you. I find it impossible to explain away the "bigger picture" idea in my own heart. It brings little consolation, even though I know all those things. And while we *know* all is well, it's hard to feel it in our hearts all the time. Praying that your YF makes his/herself at home :) :) :)

  7. Lori,
    I had this long comment typed out and blogger ate just know I am praying for you, dear one (and Yellow Fish=)...

  8. Lori,
    My friend Lauren (Jonathan's Journey) directed me to your blog via her own. I read portions of your blog, with huge tears in my eyes and an even bigger lump in my throat, last Sunday night. I've thought about your story and Matthew each day since then and have prayed for you as well. Somewhat strange, I guess, since we do not know each other. But we are united in Jesus Christ. I continue to pray for you, your husband and your little 'fish.' Thank you for sharing your faith and journey with such raw honesty.

  9. I am so glad to know that you, though I'm sure it's difficult sometimes, still know that you know that God only has the best intentions in His plan for you. That is so important. I had a non-Christian friend ask me, after the twins, "how do you still believe in God after that?" I answered, "I wouldn't survive if I didn't". She totally did not get it. ((hugs)) to you and to YF! Praying without ceasing!

  10. I'm still praying that yellow fish makes his/her way into this world later this year!

    And I completely agree with your perspective. I don't believe God willed any of our babies to die. In fact, His will was that we might live and commune with Him forever, without death or the separation from Him the introduction of sin to this world has caused. But I do believe He is able to use any situation, no matter how bad or good, and use it. It's just so hard to understand it all sometimes. I can't wait until we see clearly.

  11. Lori, I just love the insight you have. You just have a way of encompassing my heart and my complete focus as I read the depth of your heart's cry. i'm so blessed by you every time I encounter you or your writings. I pray that God would bless you, your family, Matthew's beautiful spirit (that just glows through your love), and little YF. I'm sending you so much love.

  12. what a beautiful post... I agree with your views so much... I dont like when people presume to know what God wanted for MY life or my daughter's. He wouldnt plan to hurt me purposely! He loves me!