I am brave.
Not because I live every day without Matthew.
I had NO choice in that matter and I certainly would not choose it if I had. When people give me the attribute of "Brave,"for that reason, I am always quick to tell them, "Not really. I just have no choice."
I am brave because we are doing another IVF cycle and I am CHOOSING to do that.
To take on another cycle pretty much by myself since John is back in the fleet. Not really by myself since Mom and Aunt Pretty are always willing to help with whatever, but it is sort of different in that I'd ask John to rub my feet (though he wouldn't. I could still ask) if I just needed a breather in all of this, and would not ask Mom or Amy. (I'm sure they are both grateful for that!)
More, if this works (please, please, please let it work!), John will probably be around for most of the pregnancy and delivery (which is new...we thought he may be deployed), he will be gone shortly after the baby is born...leaving me with a newborn and a little boy under two, two golden retrievers and a house that is not mine and a good bit smaller than all my stuff would like. And he'll be gone for a long time. Like 7-8 months, I'm guessing.
So I won't lie and say that I'm a teeny bit worried about that.
I know people (especially we military families) do it all the time. ALL.THE.TIME.
My guess is that most of the time, though, they don't necessarily choose to have children so close together, knowing that mom will be pretty much responsible for care-taking while daddy is gone, and therefore at least attempting to get timing a little better.
It is what it is. It took nearly 11 years just to get pregnant. And then we lost Matthew. And then we went through it all over again and are so grateful to have Luke.
But according to medicine, I'm old.
Rather, my eggs are. So if we are going to have any more children, we have to try NOW. Timing or not.
I know, I know...we can't control everything and all that jazz about "the perfect time doesn't exist,"...maybe it doesn't, but I won't lie and say I'm not a bit bitter about having to wait so long to finally be a mother and being pushed into doing things I may not do if I had a bit more time.
(Like IVF right now instead of just enjoying Luke all by himself a bit more...continue to nurse him...etc.)
That's not to say, though, that I am not super excited about this cycle. I am. I am really feeling very confident. John put an app on my phone today that's supposed to chronicle the cycle.
I can't wait until Luke grows up some more and can show me how to use apps and such on the phone.
Anyway, giving myself my shot tonight, I was telling mom that it wasn't that big a deal since I used to give myself allergy shots.
Then I thought, "But you know...it sort of is. So many people take fertility for granted. Like it's the most natural thing in the world."
Oh, wait...it's supposed to be.
And then I remember that this is not a world of 'shoulds' or 'supposed to bes' and just give thanks I have the opportunity.
So I'm excited.
And feeling brave.
I have about seven hundred and three posts of Luke that I need to make. Thanksgiving, Christmas, his birthday...12 month check-up and more. Poor boy...my only excuse is that my time is really taken up with him.
And I love it.
I love rocking him to sleep every night. He doesn't depend on it; he'd go to sleep on his own if I just gave him his bottle and put him down, but I love rocking him as he drinks his milk and singing or humming to him. I've started to tell him a Bible verse every night, hoping he'll have those words written on his heart forever. Plus, it helps me remember Scripture too, which I'd like to do more. I just think that time with him is precious.
What a blessing similar time with a little brother or sister would be. As a friend reminded me tonight...worth it all. Worth all the shots. Worth all the stinging. Worth all the worry and just worth it all...
Have to say...it's easy to be brave when he's what I get to hum to sleep and wake up to every day.