Sunday, March 28, 2010

Four Months...

While yesterday was 17 weeks, today is the 28th. According to calendar dates, today would be the day I would prop Matthew up next to some cute little animal I had used every month since he was born to show how much bigger he'd gotten. Knowing me, he'd probably be wearing a shirt that had some wording on it, something like: "Four months rocks! Three is SO last month!"

Instead, his room is cold and empty. I'm not putting together an Easter basket for him, nor will he wear the sweet Easter sweater vest and hat that Mom and I got him several, several months ago. Our traditional family Easter picture may not even happen. I don't know that I'll be able to do it.

Like his room, at my core, I feel cold and empty too.

So I am so thankful that I have people who love me and check on me; call me and write me; continue to invite me to do something even though I often find some reason not to be able to; and simply just help carry me through.

You have no idea how thankful I am for each and every person in my life. I don't think I could sum it up any better than words that were sent to me by such a precious person (and I don't think she'd mind me sharing as they touched my heart so deeply today):

"My dear friend, I will continue to write you and tell you, but I know this is also a walk you must take in your own time. God knows that too. There is no rush. I will be just a few steps behind you as you take this walk. I will be your friend and I will watch for each stumble and for the times you fall to the ground. If the devil wants a spiritual battle...well, perhaps he doesn't know your family and friends."

I do. And boy, is he in trouble.


  1. what a precious friend xoxoxo

    i'm so sorry. these milestones are so hard on the heart. (((hugs)))

    since you always make me laugh, i'm gonna make a lame attempt at it for you.... have you ever seen the movie waterboy with adam sandler??? here's what mama would say "milestone are the devil!" (said in my best cajun accent)

  2. I think about you so many times every day. When I post Tom's height or his SF awards, I think of Matthew's not being here, and I can't stand it for you. Sometimes I don't know what I'm praying for, but I keep on praying. Love you.

  3. What an awesome friend! I am so glad you have great supporters that help carry you through. Thinking of you and praying for your broken heart. XO

  4. I hear you, friend. Kind words are so appreciated. :)

  5. What a sweet, sweet walk behind you and catch you when you fall. It helps to know that you are loved when you feel so alone.

    Sending you love as you start this new week. Praying for the sun to shine on you :)

    Much Love

  6. I think alot of us will be there with you throughout your journey. Through friendship--although in many different forms (internet, blogs, etc)--will help each other through our stumbles--crying, supporting, praying. When the time is right we laugh, hug and pray again in joy. I'll be there with you through each step.

  7. Aren't friends amazing!!! So glad that you have the support you need to get through this. So sorry that you don't get to enjoy easter with your little one. Just know that someday you will have him to hold and love. He is not to far away!

  8. Thinking of you and Matthew. Yesterday was 7 months for us. So hard to believe...

  9. Not trying to tell you what to do, just offering a suggestion you may or may not have thought of. Would your heart still be up to doing that Easter picture if you held something in Matthew's memory for the picture, a special blanket or stuffed animal or something so that he's always remembered when that picture is seen in future years? Maybe not, and it is totally OK to skip or start new traditions or avoid traditions all together right now. I love what you would have written on Matthew's 4-month t-shirt and my heart aches that you weren't able to take that picture or fill an Easter basket or any of the other million, daily, new-Mommy joys. {{{hug}}}

  10. I remember last year at Easter I could not lift my head off the pillow...and this year I am trying to go through with it (trying, operative word there). So, what I am saying is it takes time to will yourself into anything now, allow yourself to not do it if you dont want to. Your friend's words are amazing, and I am glad you have her. (((HUGS)))
    Love, Nan xxxooo

  11. What a great friend. It's the kind of friends we should all be. And if they need help, I've got their back!! Lv/ya friend!!

  12. Yes, the holidays are hard for me, also. I am a planner and an organizer, so I had picked and bought most of Rebekah's outfits for the holidays already. They are still in a bag, untouched since before she went to Heaven.

    And that letter is so precious! And well written. I feel I have some precious "cheerleaders" (that's my nickname for them) in my life, also. How much it means to know they can't walk this journey, but they can watch and cheer us on.

    Love you, Lori!