Monday, March 22, 2010

Moving forward.

Well...things move forward, don't they? Whether I want them to or not, they do. Not on, just forward. Which means that either I do also, or I wallow.

Lately, I admit wallowing has been my preference of choice. I sort of half joke when I say that it's pretty bad that I'm more worried about someone breaking into my house because I'd be embarrassed at what state the police would find it in rather than the stuff that is missing. Usually when John is gone, the house is SO in order because it's just me.

Not this time...which is my secret agenda way of telling anyone who knows me in real life that I'd prefer them not to just drop by for fear of them being overtaken by the dog hair furiously piling up in my foyer.

But since things move forward and I am *trying* not to wallow, we are going to do another fresh IVF cycle. My nurse called me today with my new protocol. Long story short, we will be starting the medicines April 9, a probably egg retrieval on April 21, a transfer between the 24-26th and the results in the first 10 or so days of May. I cannot say enough how grateful I am to be able to try to do this again, while at the same time, so heartbroken that I have to do this again.

Heartbroken that my Matthew will never know his brother or sister on this earth. Heartbroken that *I* will never know my Matthew more on this earth.

The weekend we start the medicines is the weekend we will be going to a retreat for couples who have lost a child and is held by Nancy Guthrie and her husband. I think it's pretty considerate of my nurse to be so concerned that this cycle would not interrupt that retreat because she thinks it will be important for us. Luckily, it worked out perfectly. I am looking forward to it, but would be lying if I said I didn't have some trepidation about it. It's one thing for me to read blogs and emails of people who have lost a child--I hurt for them, I cry for them. My heart breaks for them. But I can close the computer any time I want.

It's another to actually sit there with them...hear the crack in their voices and see the years added to their eyes. Watch them shake softly as they sob about their children. See them stare off as they imagine all the should-have-beens...

Or at least that's how I imagine it would be because I know that is exactly what people get when they are with me.

And I hate that for them. Don't get me wrong, I REALLY hate it for me. But I hate it for them because I feel like it's my life and my pain. It's not fair that others have to deal with it too.

I'm excited, though. I think John is looking forward to it too. There is no Internet access for TWO WHOLE DAYS! Do you know how many Facebook updates that is???

I know, I know...


  1. Oh, I think a couple retreat would be a good experience. And I would love to go to that one. That couple has ministered to me through their GriefShare ministry. It has helped me so much in my processing this grief.

    And I will be praying for you, Lori, as you begin your medicines and transfer.

    Thinking of you....

  2. Will be praying specifically for you and John to benefit from the retreat and for your health/strength/state of mind and heart as you begin the next cycle. Then there's all the general praying ongoing.

  3. Being around people who "know" exactly how you feel and you know exactly how they feel will be a relief. You and John will be blessing to them as much as they will be a blessing to you. So much healing will take place/begin. It will be incredible to be in the presence of the other parents at that retreat. Praise God for His provision of this retreat. Having someone come along side you as you deal with any loss is such comfort. Being able to share about Matthew to other parents and to hear about their children will be incredible. (I couldn't find the right word - incredible seemed to be the best I could find at the moment). :-)

  4. I am wishing you luck with your fresh IVF cycle! I know it is so hard. I too wish Matthew was here to know his future siblings. Thinking of you! xx

  5. {{{Lori}}}
    I've been so bad at keeping up with you. This morning was the first time I even got to check to see how your cycle went. I'm so sorry Yellow has swum home to be with Matthew already. :(

    As for the retreat, yes, there will be some of what you describe, and yes, it will be unbearably hard. But there will also be laughter, the kind that comes only when you are refined by the deepest fires of pain and come out the other side to find fellow-survivors who know your anguish personally and you begin the tentative steps of "physical therapy" together. There's no way to go without being fearfully nervous of the unknown experience ahead, but I believe you will look back on this weekend as a gift from the Lord. {{{hug}}} Praying for you!

    I LOVE what you say about Job and have often felt the same. Praising God for meeting you in the storm with your friend's phone call.

  6. HI Lori - sent you back an email....just sending you more hugs xxxxxxxxxx Nan

  7. I think this retreat is a great idea! I, too, would have that same trepidation about going, but I'm sure the experience you'll have there will all be worth it. Can't wait to hear about it.

  8. I will be thinking about you and checking back often as you start your meds and prepare for your transfer.


  9. Lord knows I've had my share of wallowing.

    I hope that the retreat goes well. I think that sounds like a really great thing to go to.

    Praying for the best for April!