Friday, March 19, 2010

Dear Lord,

You must know how hard I am trying.
You must know how much my heart hurts.

Please, Lord, I beg of you...please wrap your arms just a teeny bit tighter? I feel like I'm falling off the edge, just out of reach. Please, Lord, I am trying to hold on for dear life.

I know you talk to me through certain songs.
I know you talk to me through dear, dear people--I know those have to be your words.
I know you talk to me when I am quiet, and staring...looking out the window as I think about how desperately I wanted to be rocking Matthew in that chair.
I know you tell me that you have good things planned for me.
I know you tell me your plans are for me to prosper and not to afflict me.
I know you tell me that your heart hurts for mine and everything is working for my good.

But Lord...I can't breathe! The blanket is so heavy and dark and I can't seem to get out from under it.
I'm tell me those things, but you also tell me that it's hard.
You tell me that I'll be tested and tried.
You tell me that to die is to gain! I can't wrap my head around that.
You know death stings and I am trying to live through it.
You know I had NO doubt that my baby would be fine...and in that faith in you, I didn't savor that touch of skin. I didn't hold onto it longer. I didn't know that was all I would get. I believed you promised him to me. I believed you told me about him and promised him to me. Lord, I believed you. I believed there would be more...and there wasn't. If only I knew...

I did believe you. You know with every fiber, I did. I told every single person in that hospital you ordained him and he was going to be fine.

Lord, how could I have been so wrong? I am afraid because I believed with every inch of my being that you had come to me, promised him to me, and assured me he would be fine--I'm afraid I don't even know how to hear you or feel you if I was THAT wrong...Friends tell me I walked around like I was invincible and I felt like I was because I had YOU on my side! You tell me that if you are with me, who can stand against me???? You tell me that there is a strong man, but you are tell me you knew the days of Matthew's life before they were written but I don't understand!!!!!

You didn't plan what happened to Job. You tell me you didn't. You tell me that you were propositioned, you offered an answer to that proposition, and you allowed it to be tested. And you were proven victorious because you are righteous.
But you planned for the strong man to question you and ask you to test your servant?
I do not understand, Lord.
I do not.

I am weary.
But Lord, I am here. I am at your feet, begging you to bring the peace you promise...the peace that surpasses understanding.
I'm begging you grab me tighter. There's too much slack in the rope, Lord...please, pull tighter.

And know my heart, Lord...please know my heart. Know I will promise to praise you every day. Understand if the praise is something I may have already praised you for because I may struggle remembering all there is to praise.

Lord, thank you for Matthew.

Thank you for letting John meet him, look into his eyes and hold his have his hand held back.

Thank you for making me a mother. The world may find it easy to not acknowledge that fact...and they may not understand when they in good faith and pure heart ask you to make me a mother and give me a child, they forget that I AM a mother and I HAD a child. They love me, and hurt for me, and it's so, so easy to forget those things when all I have are some pictures, a lock of hair and a pendant close to my heart but no child in my arms.

Thank you for women who let me cry and laugh in the same two hours.

Thank you for letting me remember I love to laugh.

Lord, I beg you to continue to convict my heart. It's my reminder you are who you say you are.
I'd prefer peace, but conviction works too.

Thank you for letting me cry to you.

Thank you for not letting me have a nervous breakdown today.

Thank you for so many people who lift me and love me.

With much love Lord,


  1. I wish I could give you a big, tight hug. I know this pain. I remember not wanting to live month after month of negatives. You're in my heart and prayers. Hang in there. You will have a living baby in your arms, I just feel it.

  2. Oh, Lori, I have no new words to offer you for your desolation, no words to say as I cry over this post. But I can repeat with conviction what I said before: I believe in my heart of hearts that you will hold Matthew in your arms again in Heaven... I believe it will happen. I believe in my heart of hearts that you will have more children in your family to join the cherished memory of your first-born son. And I believe in my heart of hearts that God is a loving God even when I don't understand.


  3. Lori-I wish I could make it all better! I am so heartbroken over your results as I had so much hope! I will continue to pray for you as I do daily and pray that God will reveal His plan to you soon!!

  4. Sweetest Lori,

    I kneel with you in begging for peace, peace of the soul for you. I prayed for you numerous times yesterday and last thing before I closed my eyes, as your pain was on my heart. I prayed for you again first thing this morning.

    You do amaze me, as you stand firm in your FAITH and hold the hand of God and ask for guidance. Now, I ask that "he" will wrap you tightly and nurture your aching heart.

    Know that I will continue to pray for you and John. And, I will continue to "walk with you".

    Much Love and Many Prayers.

  5. I am praying that God WILL wrap His arms around you more tightly. And I can relate to this post on many levels - I feel my own faith has been shattered, and I keep trying to put the pieces back together, but it's like the glue holding those pieces together won't harden, and so it keeps falling apart over and over. These emotions are so hard, they really are. And I feel so deeply for you right now because you didn't get the results you wanted yesterday. If I could speak things into existence, I would speak Matthew back into your life. In fact, I would speak all of your little fishes into your life. I wish I could do that. But as you said last night, your family will be waiting for you in heaven. I know it's little consolation now, but life is so short compared to what we will spend in eternity. And I'm sure all 3 of your fishes are playing happily right now. Again, I know that's not really much consolation either. I just want this for you so bad, even more than I want it for me, I think.


  6. just wanted you to know i'm here with you. agreeing with you. standing with you in faith for your heart's desire and listening. (((((((HUGS)))))))

  7. I'm sorry you are hurting so much right now. Just wanted to let you know I was thinking of you. :( Big hugs to you today.

  8. Praying for the peace that is beyond our understanding. You are never far from my thoughts & prayers.

  9. Lori, my heart breaks for you and I too have asked God many times over. I am sending some hugs and prayers your way because thats all I can do at this time. We will never understand the mind of God, but in time... We will never understand why us, but we are comforted knowing that He carries us through.
    Now unto him who is able to do exceedingly, abundantly, above we can ask or thing, according to the power that worketh in us (eph 3:20).

  10. Oh Lori, I so wish I could be by your side. Thank you for sharing your thoughts, requests, prayers to our Lord with us all.

    You are so true. You ARE a mother...and I will never forget that. It IS easy to feel like others forget that, and to know that strangers look with no knowledge of what is.

    I am so sorry for the aching. So sorry for the questions and fears and doubts. These are normal, natural...but unkind all the same to have to experience.
    I too felt the same...stood in faith that Zac would be fine. That he had gone 5 weeks doing so well so of COURSE he would be the amazing story of miracles, that he and his twin brother would be what stories of legends are made of.
    So many people covered me with bible verses feeling these were promises of Zac's safety to me from the Lord. I believed it all too. Which makes it scarey to wonder if I've ever truly known the Bible and how I interpret it. However...I know the enemy in on the prowl ready to pull us down with these doubts and questions.
    I hate that enemy! I hate all he represents. I hate that I fall for his lies. But when hurt is as deep as losing a's easy to listen to the whispers.

    Know that I am always thinking of you and praying for you. If I could, I would be by your side to hear about Matthew, to look at that precious lock of hair with you, to see his beautiful pictures and the locket you wear proudly around your neck.

    My heart is with you always!!

    Heather (HeathersHope - HP)

  11. Lori - What to say? Huge hugs to you. I wish I had words to take away your pain. Just know I am thinking of you ... Xo, J

  12. God WILL do those things for you... I just know that God CAN do those things for you.

    and really it's just so hard for me to imagine that there are people who would not recognize you as already a Mother?!? Ofcourse you have had a child. I do join you in your wish tho for you to have one to hold and raise. Your intuition made me not think that "yellow" was your child. Instead it KEEPS coming into my mind that you have PINK & BLUE (together) ahead in your future Lori.

  13. Your posts are so raw and full of emotion. I ache for your loss with every post and I can feel a portion of your pain. I wish I could take it for you and carry it for a while so you could breathe and function easier. I so admire your continued faith. Praying for you & John

  14. Sending you that big tight hug right now Lori.