Uncharted Territory...

I preface this post with the following disclaimer to anyone undergoing fertility treatments, or anyone who has, or anyone who will...because I've been there, I've done that, I know that, I've lived that. All in the past 11 years.

And I never dreamed, especially in light of the fact that we nearly cancelled this cycle a week ago, that I'd be here—wondering what in the world to do with ALL these AMAZING embryos.

So, if you read, and I sound ungrateful, I am not.  Anyone who knows me, or knows of us even in the last few years knows that I, of all people, do NOT take life for granted.  At all.  I realize that some people would give all they had to be faced with the issues we are.  I know.

Dr.  K called this morning and said all 9 were doing amazing.  Four were 8-celled (what we typically transfer on Day 3), one was 10-celled, two were compacting, one was early compacting and one was 6-celled, but with uneven division.

What in the world?????  This is so, so different from my previous cycles.

Dr. K said that he felt I had the best natural therapy in the world for my endometriosis, having both Matthew and Luke, and with two cycles under our belt, it was easier to adjust medicine for better egg maturity and quality.  Though he said no one could know for sure why this was so, so different...those were some of his theories.

We talked about how many to transfer.  John wants to do two.  He feels there's a better chance of a fresh cycle with two vs. a frozen cycle with one (or two) should this not work.  Dr. K said there was certainly science to back that.  John also adores being a dad, and secretly, he thinks twins would be AWESOME.  He has been able to bounce back from Matthew's death looking at life as if we've had our horrible, horrible tragedy and now, odds are, roses from here on out.  Twins would just be even more of a bounce-back.

Not so much me.

I am worried.  I am little.  I was 92 pounds at retrieval.  I am a quarter-inch shy of 4'11".  I am small and scrappy, but I have my limits.  I've had two major surgeries to my uterus in two years and to contemplate carrying another has put me on edge, but two?  Not to mention, John is going to be gone.  A LOT.  MONTHS.  I'm far from home.  I have a very busy little boy that I adore doing fun things with and I've already worried about what another pregnancy would steal from him, much less what a multiple pregnancy would do.

Oh, and did I mention, John will be gone A LOT?

So I'm leaning toward one, but felt that Dr. K would not lead me into anything he was not confident was the best thing for me and our family.  He has NEVER steered us wrong.  He has ALWAYS been conservative.  He told us in the very beginning that his goal was for us to build our family...however that happened.  He is NOT in it for the money.

And he said after thinking long and hard, taking our situation into account, looking at our previous history and using the SART guidelines as recommendation, he'd transfer two.

Shady Grove's pregnancy rate with one blast transfer is 61.2%.  Awesome!  With a 1.7% chance of multiples!  Their pregnancy rate with two blasts transferred is 61.1%.  (Notice how VERY near identical that is) but with a 42.7% chance of multiples.

That said, my assumption is that many of those women who did two are like me—advanced age.  Ugh. Advanced age is really getting my goat.

If I wasn't advanced age, this would not even be an issue, really.

I'd not worry about what I'd do with other embryos that made it to freezing.

I'd not worry about how my body is going to handle all of this at nearly 40.

I'd not wonder if I'll see my kid(s) graduate from high school.  Or grandchildren.

Anyway.

You know, people have often used my faith as a talking point for why I should NOT be doing IVF.  This very situation is probably just what they are talking about.

My logic has ALWAYS been that regardless of circumstance, God is the keeper of all life.  He gives it.  He takes it home with Him.  If a baby is not meant to be, it simply will NOT be, even if sperm is injected into egg by human hand.  I am not trying to play God by doing IVF.  I am simply using the technology He gave to help bring the lives HE ordained into our family.

So, the opposite must then be true.  If a baby (or two) is meant to be, he or she or they is/are meant to be.  Nothing I do or don't do will stop that, because again, God is in charge of it all.

And I guess I just have to stop being afraid.

Like I said, though...this is uncharted territory.  The waves are pretty big.

I'm not a very strong swimmer.