Back The Bus Up!

This morning I had 16 measurable follicles.

Holy moly.  As my nurse said this afternoon, "We're all chuckling a bit about you because you keep popping up with follicles!  You had 18 antral follicles to start with and now you have 16 measurables and several more that aren't measurable yet....that's pretty unusual."

I told her, "Well, you know me.  I like to have people talking."

So, my leads are 16 and 14, with several 12mm and several more that are 8-10.  My estrogen was 1382, so still high, though not as big a jump since I decreased last night's dosage.  We will probably lose the 16mm, and maybe the 14, but Jackie wasn't worried because I had so many 12ish.  She also said, "Didn't I tell you about that explosion?" and I couldn't help but think, "Yep...this is what I need.  More reassurances about why NOT worrying pays off!"  She has a feeling that I'll go in tomorrow and see several more that are 16mmish, and I guess we'll see.  The doctor this morning seemed to feel that I'd probably end up triggering maybe Thursday or Friday for a Saturday or Sunday retrieval, and honestly, either day will be fine because John should be able to come up either day (hooray!) before he goes out for a couple of weeks.  They are decreasing my medicine again (so strange, I'm always getting increased!) and I'm psyched because that's medicine I can return and for which I can get money back, ha ha!!

Spoke with Linda, my once-a-month counselor-by-phone and just love her.  Really.  Since Matthew died, I've spoken to her once a month, and since it's been over 2 years, she really knows me.  Knows a lot about my life.  Knows me on a good day and knows me on a bad day.  I told her that I've been having a lot of flashbacks to Matthew's birth...the point where Dr. Shonekan says, "Mr. Matthew has forced my hand," and things start going nuts.  Me being wheeled into the OR and just staring up at the ceiling, twisting my fingers, crying and praying for the hands that were about to touch my body and my baby's body.

Like it just happened.

She said that she figured a lot of that was hormone related—that my hormones (especially this high estrogen!) were making me pretty vulnerable and putting myself into this situation again is probably causing some post-traumatic stress flashbacks.  I agree.  I think this also happened when I started Luke's cycle, but it was so much newer then, and I guess I didn't expect that I'd have such intense flashbacks so often still.

Sigh.

She also said something that I really loved.  We were talking about how I'm not as stressed this cycle (though I am pretty worried that I'm being too confident in all of this and the shoe is going to drop and I'll be miserable.  She said that was only natural, since I've LIVED with the shoe dropping and life has taught me that when everything is going great...watch out!  She's SO smart!) and she told me that she was really proud of how healthy I sounded.  How great my attitude was.  How able I was to glean so much from Matthew's life and death that shapes me as a mother and wife and daughter and sister and friend and person.

I told her that I wasn't really thrilled that some of this new me came at such a high price.

She said that was completely understandable...and that too often, people will look at my life now and say, "See...you didn't understand it, but aren't you glad...." or "Told you, everything happens for a reason..." or "When you look at Luke, isn't it easier to understand this is how it was meant to be?"...and they'd be WAY off base.

(She's right.)  Just because I am able to recognize the blessings that have happened as a result of Matthew's life, I STILL would not choose for him to be dead just for the life I have now.

The reality is that there are two truths to my life that don't seem like they could possibly co-exist, but they do.

I'd never, never, never, NEVER choose for Matthew to be gone...for any lesson or reason or for any child.

I'd never, never, never, NEVER wish Luke wasn't here if it meant Matthew could be alive.

And that's just the way it is.  For the rest of my life.  Ambivalence.

So, I navigate the best I can, and frankly, I think I do a pretty decent job.  There should be no doubt about how my heart and soul still mourns what could have been with my beautiful little Matthew.

There should be no doubt about the love and fulfillment that Luke has brought into my life, and for which I am so grateful.

As should there be no doubt about the love that any little brother or sister will bring and will be given.

If those are 'lessons' learned as a result of Matthew's life, so be it.

To me, those are just the basics of being a mother.