It's Never Easy, Is It?

Nope.

Then again, I have to say that I KNEW this cycle (and the whole process from testing to now, really) was just going too well.  Too perfectly.  Too easy.

Now...it feels more comfortable to me.  More dramatic.  More uneasy.  More scary.

More "Are you kidding me?"

Dr. K called me earlier today.  (Yeah, never good to see the doctor's number on your ID.) This morning's appointment went so-so.  The sonographer and Dr. G felt like I had some pretty good looking follicles (though he did comment about what an estrogen over-achiever I am, ha ha!) and he told me that if I triggered today (IF as in IF we decided to go ahead with retrieval) it'd be him doing it on Saturday.

That made me feel tons better.  He did the transfer for Matthew and the retrieval for Luke, so he's got a pretty great track record with us.

Just needed to wait and see how my estrogen was.

Which was why Dr. K called.  My estrogen was high.  4534.  Even with yet another lowered dose (hardly anything, really), mega-estrogen.  Jackie feels like it's because of ALL the follicles I've got going round and round in there...which is great...except they are NOT all fabulously mature.

That's the problem.  Lots of follicles, way too much estrogen and not enough maturity as they'd like.

But, as Dr. K said, it only takes one.  I only had 4 mature enough (of 16 retrieved!) to fertilize with Luke and look how that turned out!  In fact, because I 'weathered the storm,' as they said, with a high estrogen at trigger with Luke and then subsequent pregnancy and warded off OHSS, they are feeling like I can do that again.

There is DEFINITELY a much more significant risk of OHSS right now, and that's mainly why he was letting us know he understood if we wanted to cancel this cycle, or to retrieve and maybe freeze  if need be instead of transfer.  OHSS is even more egged (ugh, what a pun) on by pregnancy (the irony, right?) so while pregnancy is the desired effect, it could also make things even worse and with a little one to run around after and a VERY busy military daddy...well, the fear of OHSS is there.

But since Matthew died, and I realized that I can't control everything, and that if I let fear drive my decisions, I'd never take Luke out of the house...I try not to let fear cloud my judgement.

God did not give us a spirit of fear.

So we are on for retrieval on Saturday.  We have to be there at 6:30 that morning (oy!) which will stink since John will be getting in around 1 that morning!  We'll go from there.

Nope, never easy.

Then again, who said it would be?

BTW—thanks everyone for the prayers and good thoughts and wishes. I really appreciate it.  It totally helps, and I think is one of the reasons I'm not going crazy right now.

Well...and I have an amazing and adorable little boy that definitely keeps me on my toes.  Who has time for worry?


(Totally off-topic but funny.  In doing a spell check, Blogger doesn't like sonographer.  Since every brain cell I've ever been proud of seems to have flown the coop since I got pregnant with Matthew, I always look at suggestions because I'm quite apt to be wrong.  Sonographer is not listed but the suggestion?  Pornographer.  Yep.  Totally the same, right?  Thanks for the help, Blogger!)