Sunday, January 15, 2012

Neonatal Death At Delivery...

We got into NoVA last night so I could head out to Rockville this morning for my Lupron Evaluation.  All this was to check was my estrogen level, my progesterone level and make sure I have quiet ovaries, thin lining and no cysts.

Estrogen: 32.4
Progesterone: less than .02

No cysts; nice thin lining.  All systems go, and the sono tech said it must be nice to have such a lovely start to this cycle.

It is.

But as I was leaving, I snuck a look at the computer (Which is cleverly disguised in the name of HIPPA to protect patient information with a piece of paper taped over the screen.  The piece of paper says, "Staff only.  HIPPA protection.")  I lifted the sheet of paper because I wanted to see what stuff she wrote in about me and maybe see what stuff has been written so far.

(And it IS my info, so I didn't feel like I was invading any privacy or anything.)

Lots of info.  Cycle try number.  Current doctor.  Current nurse.  Patient preferences for transfer doctors. Info from my saline sono last month.

And the info that never ceases to take my breath away each time I read it.

"11/09 Neonatal Death at Delivery."

I know.  I lived it.  I still live it.  I will live with it every day.

But there's something about seeing it in writing like something so official and so clinical...that just makes me instantly begin to sob.

Which I did, right there in the office.

Could be the drugs.  Pretty powerful hormone stuff going on these days, obviously.

But doubtful.

More just how deeply seeing his entire little life summed up in a four-word fragment still sears my heart.

I just don't know how I'll ever be able to see such a succint representation of his life without breaking into tears.

Guess that's what I get for sneaking a peak.

In other news...started the Bravelle and Menopur tonight and took the last dose of Lupron this morning.  Starting me off a little higher from the bat so that I can get bigger/more mature follicles this time.  So, I take 225 of Bravelle and 150 of Menopur.  I don't remember it stinging as much as it did tonight.

There's a lot I don't remember about the last two cycles.

But there's more that I'll never forget.


  1. I know we have never met, however, your words touch my heart so much. I am enjoying following your Luke Happenings, he is such a dream baby. I cried very hard reading your post and my heart hurts for you aboutyour Matthew...and we have never met. Please know, I always add your sweet Matthew in my prayers every night and also for you, Momma! You have an amazing Guardian Angel. Praying for an easy cycle for you! Lots of hugs from California, Donna

  2. I love you ... I hate that those words are not enough. I want to say something more helpful and purpose filled, but all I can ever think to say is ... I love you.

  3. I am sorry, those words are just so hurtful.
    Wishing you all the best my friend ((HUGS)).

  4. I'm sorry those words are hard & I remember hearing mine said to me as I was getting ready to deliver my Rainbow.
    Lots of prayers & positive thoughts

  5. Praying for you this cycle and always. Peace and comfort.

  6. Hit me hard when is see "previous stillbirth" checked on my check out sheet.

  7. The worst four words ever.

    So sorry momma....The title alone caught my breathe, but by the time I finished the post, I just cried and sobbed.


  8. (((hugs)))

    Receiving Zac's death certificate was one of those moments for me. I just stood there holding this little paper with Date of Death written on it.
    Just weeks after receiving both Zac and Evan's birth certificates.
    Wow...those moments, those ink - how does one describe the pain it wells up inside.

    It's so hard to see just a brief description of what occurred...

    Matthew, many children...deserve more than a brief acknowledgement of life. But we know we will have an eternity of celebrating with them. I hold to that every day.

    Praying for you through your cycle! Isn't it crazy how much one can "forget" about a cycle! I often think of that! Praying for many blessings!

    Hugs to you!!!!

  9. So sorry Momma, those words will never be easy to see or hear. As you said seeing it in such a cold, clinical way is hard not to shudder at when you've lived through it. Sending positive thoughts & prayers your way and hoping for the best for you guys during this cycle!

  10. Funny you should write this. I have been fixating on that little leaf they stamped on my OB file. That damn leaf that signifies loss. I haven't even been to the OB in forever. I don't even go to that OB anymore. But, I keep thinking about it. It does bring it all back. I wonder what the staff employees think when they see it. I wonder how often they see that leaf... Ugh. Hugs. xo I am wondering what NoVa is?

  11. I have to tell you, 4 1/2 years later and seeing the words on paper still feels like a punch in the stomach. It will take the wind right out of me and fill my dry eyes.

    I'm wishing you an easy, successful cycle!!

  12. It didn't even happen to me and reading that makes me both want to vomit and sob.

    Mine says "habitual aborter". How horrid does that sound?! Like it's a part of my personality or some thing I have control over. Sigh...