39 Weeks...and thankful!

In hindsight, I wish that I had made a little post each week as to what was going on throughout the pregnancy. I think between this blog and my pregnancy journal I've done a decent job of chronicling, but a consistent, weekly update is probably what I'll go for (at minimum) for when Matthew is born. In any event, today is 39 weeks and still no sign of my little guy deciding he wants to meet us. Some things going on:

• He's still moving like crazy and I am thankful for that. It's probably the most reassuring thing I've ever felt and I know I will miss it (maybe not the karate chops to the kidney or gall bladder) when he's born.
• Sleeping is the most foreign concept in the world to me. (PLEASE do not send me a cute comment that says something like, "Ha...you don't even KNOW what not sleeping is like...just wait until that baby is born." If I hear that one more time, I swear, I'll explode. I get it, babies wake up A LOT. I won't get much sleep once he's born either. Check.)
• When I *do* fall asleep, I end up snoring. I've NEVER snored in my life. And it's not snoring-snoring...it's this weird, throaty thing that makes me feel like someone scraped my throat with a razor blade when I wake up in the morning. John says it's because I'm on my back, so we'll see if that's the case when Matthew is born.
• I can sort of keep the swelling under control by just being off my feet but now I have some knotty thing in my right ankle (much like the thing they thought was a clot in my left ankle) that REALLY hurts and pretty much makes me limp if I put any pressure on it. It's very varicose-veiny looking and so again, I'm pretty sure it's just some veins or something being cut-off. I actually have some energy, and would like to do some things, but putting any pressure on it really is not comfortable.
• I'm tired of looking at birth announcements, personalized stockings, bubble outfits and Christmas shopping online. I have an announcement style we really like, but it is on card stock and not glossy paper, which I'd like. There are just TOO many stocking styles out there and to pick one for a little boy for life is just overwhelming. It's probably going to something with a train for his grand-dad and that will be that. There are so many cute little bubble outfits and smocked things for boys (I know where ever John is right now, a chill ran up and down his spine!) but I just don't know what size he'll be so it's just overwhelming to look. And Christmas shopping? Too much online to look at. I just need John to say: "Buy this for____; buy this for ______; buy this for ____." My brain is mush these days.
• Another *perk* of being laid-up day in and day out is having lots of time to blog-hop. I posted the other day about how thankful I was that this whole process has been relatively non-eventful and I still feel that way. There are so many blogs out there about trials of infertility and I just am so thankful that when we did decide to go IVF, it was as successful as it has been. Granted, it took 10 years of heartache to get there, but for success with our first official cycle, I am eternally grateful to God.
• We have our next OB appointment on Thursday. At this appointment, I imagine we'll decide that if he's not born by December 1 (the day I am 41 weeks), we'll induce. Next Monday is the next specialist appointment and we'll look for that kidney again, and then Tuesday (my due date) will be the last OB appointment before Thanksgiving....it will be a pretty dry doctor time from Tuesday the 24th to Tuesday the 30th, so my hope is that the little stinker will think that's a FINE time to come! In the meantime, we wait.

And wait. And wait some more.....but heck, after this long--what's a few days more?

Uni-kidney no more??

Well, after our exciting day yesterday (ha ha) we were up SUPER bright and early this morning so we could get to Dr. Sweeney's by 8:00.

(I don't miss getting up at 5 AM...and we got up this early on Saturday too so we could get to the car place. Of course...it's not like I was really sleeping anyway, but still.....)

We had a sono tech I've never had before, and she was very intent on what she was looking at on the screen. I could tell she didn't really want to do a growth assessment because the last one was only 2 weeks ago and she was worried he'd be smaller and I'd freak out. (Did she hear about me crying on the table two weeks ago?) At this point, I'm pretty confident he's at least 5 pounds, so no more freaking out....just hoping to GET HIM OUT! In any event, two Mondays ago he was 5 lbs., 9 oz. and this morning he was 6 lbs., 1 oz. Not quite as much growth as I expected (13th percentile for growth), but at this point, plenty big enough for me. Speaking of big...or little, hopefully....John said he paid attention to the head circumference and it measured 8.9 cm. I've always said I hoped he took after his daddy and had a little head...I don't know how much bigger his head will get in the next two weeks (John says not much) and maybe I am naive, but in my mind, if I dilate to 10 cm., and his head stays that size, I'm liking those stats!

When Dr. Sweeney came in, I told him Drs. Polko and Shonekan were more content to let Matthew get to 41 weeks than to make a plan for 39. He said, "Well, okay then." I told him I was fine with that too...although if he thought he needed to come out earlier, by all means tell us! He was pretty interested in what he was seeing on the screen and then told us that he may be imagining things, but he thought he saw some kidney tissue! The sono tech had seen it first and told him...and he was actually pretty surprised since we had been looking pretty closely for another one this whole pregnancy. He's interested to see what it looks like next week (though here's hoping there is NO next week appointment!) and may amend his recommendations for the renal ultrasound when Matthew is born. As of now, he is ok with the ultrasound being done on an outpatient basis after he's born. If this is a pelvic kidney, as he now suspects it may be, he will request a renal ultrasound the day Matthew is born for nephrology consult. True to his lineage....Matthew's odds of having one normal kidney and one pelvic kidney are 1:3000!!!! It's funny because there is actually less possibility of complication for Matthew if he only had one kidney vice him having one normal kidney and one pelvic kidney. Even still, because his one normal one has been fabulous, and a pelvic kidney may function fine (many pelvic kidneys function normally, but in some people, it can be small or have abnormality in the drainage system) , we'll just be on the lookout for a few different things than we would with only one. We may not have to worry as much about contact sports (though I am JUST fine with him not playing football!) and such, but may have more UTI and recurrent infections. In any event, until he has his very own ultrasound and we see that there is another kidney and how functional it is, we are just surmising. Worst case scenario, from what I've been researching, would be that it isn't functional, and could be problematic or it could be functional but he could have hydronephrosis and they may need to be surgically remove it. Honestly, I don't think that's the case....so I am not even close to worrying about it.

I must admit, we were pretty surprised though! This little guy never ceases to amaze me.

Occupancy Still Requested....

What a beautiful day! We FINALLY had some sun, it was nearly 70 degrees (for the middle of November!!!!) and all was well.

Except the swelling was UNUSUALLY horrid and my blood pressure was sky high. Normally it is pretty low--in fact, some doctor in my history once told me that my blood pressure being low like it is could increase my risk for strokes. (Hey, thanks for giving me something ELSE to worry about!) Anyway, 146/94 is high for *anyone* and certainly for a pregnant woman who has some heavy duty swelling so I called my OB. Dr. Polko was on-call and I was sure she'd just say take it easy and see me on Thursday. Nope. She said go to Labor and Delivery and we'd check it out.

After I cried a bit (the reality was a little scary) and then took a shower, did my hair and put on make-up (she didn't say go IMMEDIATELY) we headed over. I really and truly did not think anything would come of it, but bless John's heart, he was pretty excited in hopes that all was ok, but that we'd have to get Matthew out. My bp at the hospital was 142/89 and they had me turn on my left side and recheck. After about 20 minutes on my left side, it was 110/80. 15 minutes later and still on my left side, it was 104/68--which is typically what it usually runs. That pattern continued and that's good news. Essentially Matthew, as he gets bigger, takes up more and more space in me. Duh. Yeah, well in doing so, in addition to going to town on my organs, he also cuts off all sorts of veins and arteries and so forth. Or something like that. In any event, the bottom line is that the swelling and blood pressure are here to stay as long as he's in there. And, as the nurse said, "He's very happy and having a good time in there. You are miserable, but occupancy is still requested by him."

So...much like his daddy partying it up in college, Matthew has decided he likes it where he is, is having a good time and the swelling and blood pressure are incidentals...much like the lack of breathing, lack of sleep, back aches and internal organ bullying that I've been having.

That's fine by me. His days are numbered! The labor and delivery nurse was really great and gave me more helpful information than I have gotten from all four of my highly paid doctors! She really made me feel a bit better about him going to 41 weeks, being induced and how the whole process will work. She also was very encouraging and told me that she was really impressed with all the education John and I have and all we have gone through to get to this point but that for now, she'd just take it easy, read some books and wait for Matthew. I've done everything well and he's obviously proof of it, so I don't need to borrow worry. Sounds good to me. She also told me that Dr. Polko tends to be one of the more, um, agressive checkers of my practice, ("She likes to get way up in there and really shake things around!") and let me know that Dr. Shonekan, who will check me again at 40 weeks if I haven't already delivered, is much more gentle. Whew.

And though Dr. Sweeney says, "Real estate is getting awfully expensive in there," Matthew is still "requesting occupancy." Guess I won't rule December out after all....

Miraculous

Matthew,

I just want to tell you that I never, ever, ever forget what a miracle you are. As I blog-hop here and there and see so many women JUST LIKE ME who want nothing more than to be a mom....and I watch their trials through infertility (and so relate with 10 years of heartache)...I just still can't believe the miracle of you coming to us now--as our 'peers' have kids in high school, with fewer eggs retrieved and even fewer fertilized and even *fewer* that made it to even being able to transfer. I am thankful beyond belief that we were so blessed to be successful with our IVF cycle on our first attempt. I am grateful for your health and your constant activity in mommy's tummy. I am still in awe of the fact that in just a few days (I HOPE) I will be the mommy of a wiggly baby boy, and daddy and I cannot wait to meet you.

Know that I will always be grateful to God for the miracle of you, and that though the road here hasn't been easy, feeling you move inside me and sitting in your chair in your room is truly worth all the disappointment and heartbreak. I know I've questioned God so many times...and I now know you are His answer.

Don't rule out December...again.

Well, we saw Dr. Polko today and she also basically said, "Don't rule out December." I may have mentioned that my OB's office is pretty laid back, as in they basically listen to the heartbeat, put a measuring tape on my stomach and say, "Yep, you're good," each exam. I've been chalking that mostly up to the fact that I see Dr. Sweeney so regularly and as Dr. Davis said two weeks ago, what he does is quite a bit more advanced so what they do at my regular OB appointment is sort of redundant at best.

Well, Dr. Sweeney is all about Matthew, so today I had Dr. Polko do the internal exam so we could see if he was even thinking about making his appearances...and found out why they are so 'laid back,' about exams and stuff--they H * U * R * T!!!!!!!!!! A lot. I did not think it was possible for her arm to be any further...well, anyway, it HURT. She then told me that's why she usually doesn't do those exams until 40 weeks--she KNOWS they hurt and she doesn't really see any point to doing them until 40 weeks or more anyway. I am in total agreement with her at this point, and can say I will *NOT* be voluntarily requesting to be checked.

As for the results of the check....nada. In fact, it's never a good sign when your OB says, "D*mn, woman, you're tight." She then told me I was dilated a centimeter, maybe...and maybe 30% effaced. We then discussed making plans and she essentially told me that I needed to try and sucker the other two doctors because she's seen too many bad situations come when we tried to bring babies out before they were ready. As for Dr. Sweeney's recommendation of making a plan for 39 weeks? "Yeah, well, he gets to look at them in there. (pointing to belly) *I'm* the one that delivers them and I know what I've seen." And again, she has a point. She said she figured that Dr. Shonekan would be ok with scheduling an induction on the 23rd, but that still wasn't the best case scenario because I could be stuck in labor for 3 days and then have to do a C-section anyway. NO WAY! I'd rather just schedule a C-section. To which she said, "Eh...you don't really want to do that--at least not at week 40. Maybe 41."

She was not plussed by the fact that I am swollen up like Jimmy Dean sausage links, nor that I am not sleeping at all, nor that I am not able to breathe. "You're breathing. You'd be dead if you weren't." You'd think that I'd be aggravated by her attitude about it all, but I'm not. Because all that aside, as I was sitting there crying, she got up and hugged me and said, "I know. It hurts. It'll be ok." So, while I am miserable, it won't be that much longer and I can make it.

She's right. I can. So Matthew, come whenever you want. I'm not making any plans for you coming. I know they'll want probably want to induce at 41 weeks, and at that point, I may make a decision about inducing or scheduling a c-section, but other than that...if you want to be born in December, fine, be born in December.

Just remember that the closer your birthday is to Christmas, the more bleak your present situation looks. I know lots of people who HATED having their birthdays so close to Christmas because they felt shorted on the presents. I'm just saying....

38 is here!

Week 38-- 14 days and counting! Trust me, SOOOO counting!

Our appointment yesterday went wonderfully. Again he scored an 8/8 on the biophysical profile--there was no point in the Non-stress test because we scored so well on the breathing, muscle tone, and ESPECIALLY movement!!! I've been saying it all along...that boy is a mover! He was not being very cooperative about showing much or staying still for the sono-tech but she was able to show me a little more the hair (I *sorta* saw what she was talking about) and she gave me some insight into why right under my right rib cage and the right side of my back hurt so much--apparently Matthew is "wreaking havoc" (her words, not mine, but I'll agree!) on my gall bladder (which has been shoved up practically under my rib cage) and my right kidney (hence the horrible, never-goes-away pain on the right side of my back) and she could see it all. Not only are my organs just all jammed where ever they can find room but she kept pointing out how he was kicking, kicking and kicking them all!! It *does* hurt and has for awhile, but I have to admit, I find it really kind of funny. Obviously he has no clue of what he's doing, but he sure is going to town in doing it!

They were also very surprised that my OB isn't talking about a plan to induce and somewhat surprised that he hasn't popped out already because he's plum out of room. I know, I know...the body is amazing, can do amazing things, yada yada...I've heard it all, thanks. My body already has done AMAZING things and now is just not getting any bigger but Matthew is. I'm very glad for him getting bigger, but the lack of room for him can't be comfortable for him because it sure as heck isn't for me. Dr. Sweeney (GOD LOVE THAT MAN) said, "Well, your OB can't do anything before 39 weeks unless I find something wrong and that's just not the case, buuuuuttttt....you can certainly make a plan for week 39." I brought them turtle brownie torte and asked what I needed to bring next week for him to write "Get that baby out!" and he said it should be pretty obvious to the OB. Next Monday we'll do another growth assessment and I expect he'll be at least 6 lbs. and some change, and I'll be 39 weeks that Tuesday. Matthew's due date is one week from that, but in talking with John (and now having Dr. Sweeney's opinion weighing in) I'm going to look at trying to get something started on the 23rd ( the Monday before Thanksgiving and I'll be 39 weeks and 6 days) so that he can be here before Thanksgiving.

Frankly, I think a Thanksgiving baby would ROCK but I don't want to take any chances with staff being skeletal because of the holiday. The sono tech agreed. So, we'll see....

In any event, I will have an exam on Thursday to see how things are going down there and we may be able to tell some more from that about whether or not we even need to worry about any of this. In the meantime, Matthew is doing fabulously and seems to be very happy and content. That's worth my lack of sleep, inability to breathe and internal organs being used as kickbags.

Here's hoping it's not too much longer of that, though, and he gets to be happy and content on the outside!!!!

A Christmas Challenge....

Here's the chance my husband has been waiting for....

John Wright is once again issuing his Christmas challenge to give children of Kyrgyzstan a happy Christmas memory this year. I told him I'd do my best to raise the $500 my husband will need to put a pie in my face and I will, but I'm going to request Boston Creme! Pictures will of course be provided.

Seriously--the challenge is for as many people as possible to raise as much money as possible ($500 being the pie marker) so that so many deserving children can simply be given a wonderful Christmas this year. Here's what I think is SO sad...$5 makes a difference for a child. FIVE DOLLARS. I spend $5 at the gas station on a pack of gum and a soda. I spend MORE than that at Taco Bell, for Pete's sake....$5 is all it takes to make a child's Christmas this year. So...if you can, whether I get a pie in the face or not, please think about forgoing the trip to Dunkin Donuts tomorrow morning and donate to these children. I can promise you, that money will NOT go to waste and you'll be part of something that a child across the world will remember forever.

SO worth it, right?

Take a guess!!

Well, due to the overwhelming interest in guessing when Matthew will make his grand entrance to the world, I figured I'd at least make it a little interesting. I started a guessing game on ExpectNet and anyone can play. The interesting part is that whoever guesses closest will get a $25 donation made in their honor to the charity of their choice. I realize that won't fund major operations, but it can buy a couple of mattresses for someone in Kyrgyzstan or go toward researching the cure for Cancer, Lupus, Heart Disease, etc., or help make someone's Christmas a little warmer or well-fed--you get the picture. At the very least it is fun to guess and winning helps someone less fortunate.

So...go here, or click on the button on the side (I think) and take a guess!

As for Mala's inquiry on how Matthew's arrival will be announced, I can say that Facebook will be updated by John and he also has a distribution list put together on his Blackberry that I *think* he can use to email if anyone wants to send their email address. I'm sure I'll blog...just not sure when!

The countdown clock said 20 days last night. Unbelievable. Any day now!!!!

Full-Term! We made it!

Hooray!! It's November, Matthew's birthday month. Good thing he's a boy because his birthstone is Citrine, not a favorite of mine, and he won't be disappointed that he doesn't get pretty birthstone jewelry. I know, I know...the logic I come up with sometimes. In any event, as much as I like Opal, I'm SOO glad he made it to 37 weeks and is doing fine!

Our appointment yesterday was great. Of course I freaked a bit when we first went in because the sono tech was just going to check to see if he's breathing and moving, but not his growth. I was under the distinct impression we were there for the sole purpose of checking his weight and growth. Her concern was that the measurements aren't exact and that he could very easily have gone backward in growth just by standard measure of error and I'd be tormented. Yeah, she was probably right, but I still wanted his growth assessed. She then tried to tell me it was like brownies--if you keep checking every 5 minutes (or week), not much change is noticed. Give it 45 minutes (or a few weeks in between) and voila--awesome. I got that analogy, but still said, "Assess!" I'm glad I did...he was 4 lbs., 13 oz. last week and yesterday he was 5 lbs., 9 oz!!!! He was in the 21%tile for growth, and was measuring where a 34-35 gestational age baby would be, even though he's 37 weeks. That's ok, though, the measurements *aren't* exact and even if they were, that's not *too* far off the reservation. Next week, when we go back, they will just check to make sure he's breathing and moving and won't assess growth. I'll be ok with that. I guess.

When we got home, John pulled out his super-duper growth curve chart that includes something polynomial or something like that (that brain of his...I'm still always impressed by his amazing brain) and charted Matthew's weight and it was right where it should have been and maybe a bit above. Long story short, at this point, he is not IUGR, certainly won't be a very low birth weight baby and probably not even a low birth weight baby. He may be SGA, but that's not a big deal at all.

Matthew's line is the one that breaks off on the top. I tried for an hour to use Photoshop to put an arrow in and finally gave up because every time I put an arrow in, the whole picture would turn to a grey and white checked box and I just don't have the patience to figure that out. I know, I know...I have Photoshop for Dummies upstairs but frankly, I'm too aggravated. I don't understand most of this, but the part I like the best is that for him to not be Low Birth Weight, he'd have to be at that little blue triangle at 40 weeks. He's there now, at 37. I of course wouldn't question John's math, but the doctor's numbers yesterday said he was measuring about 35 weeks. SGA must be some specific differences.

He's breathing up a storm! I admit--for all the reading, reading, reading and more reading I've been doing for the last, oh 10+ years, when the tech said, "He sure is happy and moving around and doing a great job of breathing!" I thought, "Well, duh. Of course he's breathing. He'd be dead if he wasn't." Ummmm....no....he's just practicing. He's getting all his oxygen through me still and the cord was very blood enriched and nowhere near his neck. We were talking about him breathing in the car and John told me that his breathing was just practice and his oxygen came from me still. Again, that John...full of very useful info. I've been getting every week-to-week baby update known to man, and I guess I've glossed over the whole 'practice' breathing thing. His breathing is great, though, and his lungs are obviously doing a great job! He scored a 8/8 on the biophysical profile, so all was well there.

He also has HAIR! I have no idea how they can tell that stuff, but she was looking at his head and said, "Oh, he has some hair!" She showed us something on the screen and for the life of me, I couldn't see it, but then she said, "Oh...look...there's some fringe hair right at the bottom, right over his neck." So, Matthew may be born with a little old man-head, or a mullet. Grandma said that is definitely an Ennis hairstyle, and his daddy had that hair-do for a while too. I was born with a ton of hair, but then lost it rather quickly and didn't get any back for about 2 years. I can't wait to see it and even more, can't wait to see if it's curly!!!! However his hair is, it will be perfect, but I'd love some little curls!

As we walked out of the doctor's office, I felt bad that I had been a little frantic about him measuring small and the insistence that we check his growth. I told Dr. Sweeney I'd bring baked goods next week. Let me tell you, that Dr. Sweeney is great. He said, "Lori, let me tell you about a group of people I know pretty well. I like to call them 3rd Trimester, 1st-time moms whose babies have something a little less than perfect, like only one kidney. They're nervous and anxious and you are in good company. You're not bothering anyone!" Gotta love that man. John just laughed and laughed.

I still gave them the preference for chocolate chip or blueberry muffins...and may throw a little fudge in there for extra thanks.

After the appointment, we stopped at the mall to look for a camera bag and now that it's November (though I saw the first Christmas commercial on October 26), all the holiday stuff is out. We got the cutest little ornament and I can't wait to put it on the tree!

John woke up this morning and said, "Matthew, are you ready to come out now?"

I took the liberty of answering for him: "No, not today."

I don't feel so bad saying "I can't wait" though, because if he *is* born today, he'll be just fine!

Howloween

Well, Dixie was scheduled to have a big day today--agility this morning and the Golden Retriever Rescue group's Howloween party. I just *know* her skunk outfit would have been a big hit. Ha ha. Unfortunately, the weather has not cooperated at all so the party was cancelled. We did have agility this morning, and then I came home and made cookies and dog biscuits (before I knew the party was cancelled) and then decided we needed to try our new camera out on Dixie's costume. She can just as easily be humiliated without a party as she can with one. And bless her heart, humiliated she was...

This can't end well....

How humiliating...

I thought they loved me...

At least I'll hold my head high...

Now, before anyone goes and calls PETA on our abuse of her (Mala!), here's proof that she had a fun morning at agility class. She won't ever be a star, but she certainly gets good exercise and is good at some things. HATED the tunnel and didn't like the little A-walk up, but she rocks at jumps and the big A-Frame. Note the cream cheese bribes we had to use to get her to do some of the activities. That girl is s*p*o*i*l*e*d!

This morning before agility...she loves playing with daddy!

I do EVERYTHING to please my daddy! Are you happy, daddy?

Dixie and her Golden friend, puppy Annie

Doesn't she *look* like she's interested in the teacher?

Oh yeah, I ROCK the A-frame!

I'm a super jumper!

Doesn't the look on her face seem to say, "Yeah, right. Like I'm going to walk THIS,"?

"Well, maybe for some cream cheese..."

Even the trainer conceded to the cream cheese. Hey, whatever works.

"I'm only doing this tunnel for the cream cheese, you know!"

After a few tries (and several dabs of cream cheese), she made it all the way through the full tunnel.

She's had quite the day.

36 Weeks and holding (I hope!)....

36 weeks!! What an eventful day or two we've had!


Yesterday was what I thought would be our last specialist appointment with Dr. Sweeney. I was hoping for Matthew to be at least 5 lbs, which would still be small, but not under the 10th %tile, and that's what I was looking for. Well, you are 4 lbs., 13 oz, which puts you a *hair* under the 10th %tile...and made mommy cry like a baby right there. The poor sonographer didn't know what to do and kept saying, "You're little, it's ok...let's see what Dr. Sweeney says!" but it really didn't matter at that point because all I was thinking was IUGR and "My poor little peanut."


Dr. Sweeney, bless his heart, tried to make me feel better and said he would NOT diagnose Matthew as IUGR, but more SGA (small for gestational age) and considering I was little, little when I was born, have nieces and nephews who were little (though both of my sister's kids WERE IUGR), he was completely fine, just little. He told me the measurements for IUGR babies typically were disproportionate, and Matthew is proportionate--small--but proportionate. Then he said something that just made my day: "We'll just keep an eye on him every week until he's born just to make you feel better, but he's fine!" WOO HOO!! I wasn't even trying and I scored a weekly sonogram until he's born. That made me feel soooooooooooooooooooooo much better.

So, of course I feel terrible. John keeps telling me that to assign 'blame' for a little baby is ridiculous, but let's be real--I'm not assigning it--everyone else is! Every time someone tells me, "Well, Lori, you're little...what do you expect?" I hear, "If you were normal size, he'd be normal too," because that is essentially what it is. Now of course, I realize that there is NOTHING I can do about being bigger (Lord knows I have been trying for YEARS!) but no one wants to hear that their baby is at the bottom of a growth chart for no other reason but there is no room for it to grow. Who's fault is that? Um, yeah, that would be mine.


I'm over the initial disappointment about the visit, though, because IUGR sites/info all say that genetically small mothers who deliver genetically small babies are NOT the typical IUGR--and one can't change genetics. He has had a very healthy pregnancy, lots of good brain and growth food and choices (not just Lucky Charms, mom!!), more than adequate health care and attention and NO exposure to anything that would remotely hurt him. He's just little. And most IUGR and SGA babies end up catching up to average growth charts, so...it will be fine. Besides, in a few ounces or so (couple of days, even!) he should be at least 5 pounds and growth charts today are different because we as a society are bigger people; 30 some-odd years ago and he'd be just normal. I just hate that he's uncomfortable or scrunched or restricted because of me.


In other very fascinating news, he is HEAD DOWN! Spine up, too. I'm telling you, the acupuncture DID it. I would not ever have believed it myself, but I actually experienced it and KNOW that he had been breech and very cozy in the same position for about 29 weeks and ALL OF A SUDDEN, the DAY I get acupuncture done to specifically target him to turn for birth, he goes CRAZY and a few days later, is ready! Coincidence? Maybe, but awfully strong. I knew something had changed...for the last few days I told John that after sitting for a bit, it felt like someone had kneed me in the groin and HURT. Well, now we know that Mr. Matthew is head down and working with gravity and if I think *this* hurts, well....like I told John--find that anesthesiologist. Find him or her FAST and bribe them anyway he has to so that the pain is as little as possible! In fact, my birth plan?

• Get the baby out, as safely and quickly as possible, with as LITTLE PAIN to me.


• Emphasis on the LITTLE PAIN TO ME part.

As you can see, I'm pretty flexible.

After our appointment, we drove a bit further out and found a clinic giving the H1N1 vaccine. I am sooooooo glad that Jenny told me about this clinic--it was actually a very easy and mostly fast process--in and out within an hour and about 45 minutes of that was line waiting. We were pretty much at the beginning, and the weather wasn't bad and the process was pretty organized. I've debated for months, but really feel this was just a better idea than the alternative.

Since I had spent the better part of the afternoon crying and had to get a shot, John was very valiant and let me go use a Children's Place coupon I had as a pick-me-up, even though I readily admit, the baby needs NO clothes!! They had some of the cutest little outfits and some great deals. Here is a picture of the little splurge (it really wasn't bad, especially with the coupon!) outfit I got for him. Won't he be adorable in it?

If you're interested, I have a coupon code for them as well.

To sum up...the goal now for the next four weeks is to be off my feet as much as possible so Matthew doesn't bear down any more and wiggle his way out any sooner than he HAS to. If he grows in the next few weeks like he did in the last 4, he will be a little over 6 pounds, and that is JUST fine with me. If he goes early, well....he'll just be in good company with his cousins.

And what a blessing that my biggest worries are that he only has one kidney (TOTALLY manageable) and he's a little bit smaller right now. I'll stop complaining now.

Grateful...

Matthew,

You have been moving around like nothing I could have ever imagined! I don't know if it was the acupuncture or you just finally deciding you were going to check out the rest of the womb, you have been *such* a monkey! Last night, daddy got to watch you turn my stomach inside out and even feel your little fist punch my right side. He said, "It's like he's giving you a little punch." Umm, yep, daddy...JUST like that. And it hurts, too! Glad the lightbulb finally came on!

That said, I want you to know that the last few months have been such a blessing to me. I won't lie...we had infant CPR tonight (and dear Lord, I hope we NEVER need to use that with you!) and I was pretty uncomfortable...after, and now, I am REALLY uncomfortable. Daddy thinks you may be looking for that final birthing position. Maybe, but whatever--it hurts! And in light of that, and the swelling, and the back and the rib pain and more that I've whined about in the last few months, I cannot say enough how thankful to God I am for the miracle of YOU. Every second that you have been with me has been one that I am eternally grateful for and the mere thought of anything happening to you just puts me in such a panic.

I never thought I would be pregnant. Especially in the last few years as it just seemed less and less likely. I thought that on a night like tonight--fall-like outside and cozy inside--daddy and I would be playing with a little girl with black shiny pig-tails and maybe making some pumpkin cookies for Grandma. I even told myself that I would never live a day of regret if I didn't know what it felt like to ever be pregnant...and I still believe that.

I am forever, unabashedly and eternally grateful though, that God had different plans for us, and for you, and that I am blessed to be chosen as your mother. I thank God for every little second we've had together as you've grown, and know that once you're *here* I will miss not having you safely and snugly tucked inside me.

So...though daddy may tell you one day that I complained about being pregnant, know that even if I did, it's because it is TOUGH to grow a human being! That doesn't take away from how much I love you and love being pregnant with you! You should always know this...and remember when you grow up and have a wife and a little baby on the way! It's a miracle and I'm so very grateful.

For this child I have prayed, and the Lord has granted me what I asked. I Samuel 1:27

Our Lil' Stinker...

Since this time next year will probably be dedicated to a cute little costume for our boy, we decided that we needed to make sure our girl still felt loved. We bought Dixie her costume for the Howloween party the Golden Retriever Rescue Organization is having next weekend and she was not as happy as one might think wearing a skunk costume would make a dog! Ha ha. For the record, we wanted her to be a lady bug, but that costume was out of stock (bad mommy, should have ordered sooner!) and daddy chose a skunk costume for her over the princess I would have chosen. If I have an extra 32-26 hours, I may try to upload the video we took of her--it cracked me up--but you can see it on my Facebook page if you are a friend and want to. In the mean time, a couple of still shots...

Seriously?

I thought you loved me?

Yeah, well I hate you, you know....

At least daddy made it up to me with some cuddling after...

OUCH!

So, yesterday at acupuncture, the acupuncturist and I were talking about how the baby is still breech/teeters on transverse and we'll just see what happens. Earlier this month when we saw the specialist, he said that there was plenty of time for turning...maybe not so much room, but plenty of time. Well, John, my acupuncturist said, "I can do something for that."

He then went on to tell me the history of Chinese medicine and how this has been used for thousands of years to make babies move....can't really make them move to where you want them, but certainly stimulates fetal movement. Now, movement has not ever been an issue for Matthew; he's *very* good at it! However, I really like my acupuncturist and he's been pretty successful with me for other issues, so I figured I'd try. In truth, I sort of like Matthew being breech and maybe forcing me into a C-section because then I don't have any guilt over being selfish and wanting one instead of a vaginal delivery...I want what's best for him and since everyone and their uncle says regular childbirth, I *guess* that's what I want. If I had no choice, though--well, that's a different story! In any event, I didn't figure that it would make much of a difference, but told him to go ahead and try.

Well, let me tell you something: IT WORKS. He moved a bit in the session, but that wasn't new--he's a mover. Last night, though, around 8:30, he started going CRAZY. My whole stomach started moving and changing shape. For 3 hours straight. It was amazing. And PAINFUL. Very, very painful. I was also having some contractions, so I started to time them in case I needed to go to the hospital. I didn't, but MAN did the moving hurt. I couldn't believe how my whole stomach just started to completely turn and go into weird shapes, but more, how much it HURT! I finally fell asleep, but every time I tried to turn onto my right side (where his head has been for 30 some-odd weeks) I felt like I was going to throw up, it hurt so much! Needless to say, I woke up every 30-45 minutes and felt like I was going to explode from the soreness/pain.

Today has been a tough day too because it still is pretty sore and I have to be very careful in my movements. Funny thing, though, it seems like he may have spent all night partying but in morning's light has remembered that he liked where he was and is BACK! Or at least transverse still. I can't really figure it out...but we'll have the last sonogram on Monday and I can't wait to see where he is. In the meantime, I hope he decides that he doesn't need to move any more because it hurts.

And next week at acupuncture? Yeah, we're going to stay away from those techniques....

35 weeks...AKA I-want-to-eat-it, I-don't-care-if-it's-healthy-or-not, I'm-going-to-eat-it, so-BACK-OFF!

Now, before the title of this post makes one wonder what I am talking about, it's not as life-shattering as some may make it to be. Those who would make it to be a big deal can just stop reading now.

I'm talking about junk. And better yet, my patience with eating well wearing thin in favor of all the candies and junk throwing themselves shamelessly at me on a regular basis. In my car now, at any given time, are the following: Sour Jelly Belly jelly beans, ginormous boxes of rainbow flavored Nerds, Razzles, Necco candy wafers, Tic-Tacs of various flavors, chocolate covered raisins, A Handful of Everything trail mix, Sour Gummi worms and Fiber One bars. (See, even with all that junk, still watching my fiber intake!) Today, I had some of all of the above. Although I need to replace the Neccos and Jelly Bellies.

I realize that I do NOT need these things and I am not adding healthy weight to me or Matthew. I have now decided I do not care if I need them or not. I am not sleeping, can rarely find a comfortable position to sit/stand/live in, have ankles, hands and arms that are so swollen one would think I've spent the last two weeks being stung mercilessly over and over by killer bees, am sore morning, noon and night, and am tired of my toilet looking at me and saying, "You, again? Seriously?" every 10 minutes...which is about how frequently Matthew dances around in there and tricks me into thinking I need to go to the bathroom. Again. So I am indulging in some candy. You wanna make something of it?

So, now that *that's* out of the way....today was my 35 week appointment. Honestly, I don't even know why I go. I love, love, love the doctors I see and feel like they are highly competent. They just aren't very proactive, which is probably a good thing but SO not how I operate. For instance, when asking, "How are we going to know if his head is going to fit...you know, down there?" the reply was, "We won't until you go into labor and we see what you do." SO much for all this reading I've come across about doctors having the baby's head measurements and deciding whether or not the mom's pelvic measurements will match. My doctors say, "Eh...we'll see and deal with it then."

Or...in response to "My last specialist appointment is next Monday. After that, how are we going to keep track of his position so we know if we're going to have to do a C-section?" I hear, "Frankly, it doesn't matter until you go into labor, so when you go into labor, we'll check." Now, this DOES make sense to me, and I'm ok with that answer because I know babies turn the day they make their debuts...but it was just so..."Eh...we'll see and deal with it then."

Of course, he also went on to say, "We do this all the time. Every day. You have great questions, but don't worry." I understand that this is probably comforting to about 95% of pregnant women out there because he is VERY right...they DO deliver babies, all the time....every day. They are probably one of the most respected OB-GYN practices in the area. The thing is....I don't want to go into labor, spend an uncomfortable amount of time there, and then have people come to the realization that it's not going to work and I'll need a C-section ANYWAY. Talk about torture. So we came to the agreement that I wouldn't worry, I'd cross bridges as they come, and he was ok with me making sure that I would, under no circumstances, suffer through any labor I didn't have to if I was going to have to be C-section anyway. I can live with that.

As long as it's with some Sour Gummi worms.

Slugs and Snails and Puppy Dog's Tails....

Someone asked me yesterday if I wasn't just a little disappointed that I had all the girl stuff that I did...the cashier at Target asked this when she rang up the CUTEST little onesie (Daddy's little wingman for $1.48--couldn't resist) and told me she wished *she* was having a boy but was having a girl instead. After telling her about the girl room we had before we learned (or were confirmed, in my case, ahem) Matthew was a boy, she said, "Oh...that stinks. All that for nothing."

Well, not really. There was a total and completely thought out plan for the last nearly two years and that plan, though not what we'd choose, was exactly what we were supposed to follow. We've *met* people we'd never have met, had our eyes opened to situations we'd never know about and wouldn't be exactly where we are--which is just a few weeks away from my sweet baby boy.

And while I admit that I see sweet little girl things all over the place and think about how precious they are, I cannot emphasize enough how absolutely in love with the idea of a baby boy I am. I've said it before, that I feel especially honored to be the mom of a son, but more than that, I am really excited about the things that mommies and sons share. Not so much on the snakes, but....no one can deny it--boys sure do love their mommas! I also think that the last several months of have been ones in which I have had lots of opportunities to really learn about the differences between boys and girls and I'm really excited to foster an environment where my little boy *doesn't* feel like he has to be a fabulous reader at 6 months old and that he'll be allowed to explore and learn the way he and lots of other little boys do. I am committed to not pushing him to be anything other than who he is, even if that goes against every Type-AAA gene in my body! I told a friend the other day that if he decided to go to community college before he went to Tech (which, of course is where he'll have to go--on that, we can't negotiate!) so that he could really be sure about what he wanted and to give more time to be ready to be on his own, I'd be FINE with that and I really will. If he brings home Cs and that's the best he can do--well, we'll thank God he did the best he could and celebrate whatever successes we can.

If he's hyperactive and a handful and keeps me on my toes every second of my day, I will thank God for the opportunity to watch His wonderful creation in action (and be thankful for any sleep or rest I get)! His daddy and I might fall in the category of 'highly energetic,' so who better to keep up with that than us?

So, to answer the cashier at Target (who of course was maybe all of 19 and had the luxury of even thinking she could be picky about the sex of her child, instead of being grateful for the miracle of the child itself) who asked if I wasn't a little disappointed, I can firmly and wholeheartedly say, "NO!" I am thrilled beyond belief, and cannot wait to have my sweet little boy to cuddle with and love and help grow into the man God created him to be one day. Not too long now....

Mommy gets it honest....

I have been cleaning things out and trying to get organized (ha ha) before baby comes and have come across some fabulous things. One of my favorite? A letter to Matthew's Great-Grandma, Geraldine Gosnell. I should mention that my Grandma Gosnell was one of the dearest people in my life and truly someone that I have modeled (or tried to) model my life after. When I read this letter to John, we were both just tickled.

I won't tell you the stationery it is printed on until the end....

May 22, 1974

Dear Miss Gosnell:

News of your thoughtful telephone message has reached me, and I just want you to know how grateful I am for your continued support and encouragement. You may be sure I will be doing all in my power to merit the faith you have placed in me.

With my heartfelt appreciation and best wishes,
Sincerely, (printed on official White House Stationery)
Richard Nixon

I just love, love, LOVE that my grandma didn't just feel the need to write a letter, but to actually CALL the president to let him know what was on her mind. It's very obvious where my 'activist' spirit comes from--from my grandma to my mom to me. Matthew's gonna have a time because last night, his daddy told me that when he retires from the Marine Corps, he's going to run for local something or other in our area because he's so tired of the same 4 names running the county. Where did HE come from? I tell you, whether it's me or the Marine Corps or just John becoming a bit more ornery in his old age (my guess), he himself has certainly become quite the activist and advocate as well.

Ahh...my boy...at least if you get all advocate on us you'll have have the support of your mom and dad. And Great-Grandma Gosnell!

34 Weeks...

I have to say that it has been a very fast 34 weeks that have gone by! Hard to believe...and though I am ok if he is born tomorrow (not really, haven't packed a bag yet even though John nags me about it on a daily basis), I'd like to see a few more weeks. Mainly because I am really starting to get freaked out about the delivery--in that it is going to hurt, regardless. Like my doctor said months ago, I'll pay now or pay later, but either way, I'll pay. Yep, that's starting to sink in for me.

So...what have I learned in 34 weeks? A few things...though I am sure I am not the only one who has learned these things as well. But, for posterity's sake, I'll try and remember a few.

1. Pregnant women are aware of the fact that they have become huge. They realize that it comes with the territory. When they say something about it, you don't need to feel worried about reinforcing what they just said. Half the time they are just amazed about it, the other half, they are sort of mourning those cute little outfits they can no longer wear. It doesn't mean that they are disappointed about that, or that they would trade their situation for all the money in the world. It just means they realize their body is very different than it's ever been and they are allowed to make all the comments in the world about it, so give them a break and let them say they are huge all they want. It may not seem huge to you, but it is to them, promise.
2. YOU, however, should NEVER offer a comment about huge they are FIRST. Then you are no longer reinforcing what they know, have said and see in the mirror each day, but are giving them something to obsess over. And being rude. So, thanks, anonymous person for telling me my face was fat. Duh. I see that every day. If I wanted to discuss that, I'd have mentioned it FIRST.
3. Stork parking rocks and don't think for one second that if you are parked there and shouldn't be, every pregnant woman you encounter doesn't have free reign to kick your butt and make a citizen's arrest. So, 19 year-old punk who sat in the car while your 19 year-old punk buddy bought the Wii game with one hand and barely kept his 4 year-old daughter (I assume) in his arms with the other and decided that qualified you for Stork parking--WRONG! Be glad there were a couple of stork parking spaces or you and I would have had a Come-to-Jesus. And you really, really wouldn't want to go there.
4. I can't say this about younger moms-to-be, but for us older gals who have been trying for years to have children, odds are we are pretty educated about a lot of things. For instance, when you see my feet swell and tell me that I need to watch my sodium, you may think you are helpful, but you are assuming that I don't know that ALREADY and that my sodium is the problem. Which it isn't. Don't think that I have not already spent countless hours researching the causes, creating flow-charts that depict various scenarios and diagnoses, and am already ON it, thanks. As a teacher, I realize that there's NO education better than actually going through the process, and I am very thankful for all the advice and suggestions, but please remember that I am pregnant--not incapable of reading or listening to my doctor. Moreover, as much as I know people mean well, insisting old wives' tales are gospel simply doesn't hold true. Let's remember that while everyone and their uncle thought Matthew was Molly, I knew otherwise.
5. Just because a pregnant woman gets upset, it does not mean her hormones are to blame. In fact, blame her getting upset on her hormones and you might as well dig your grave. Believe it or not, the same things she'd get upset over not-pregnant make her upset when she *is* pregnant, and for you to blame them on hormones is insulting and demeaning. Not to mention just plain wrong.
6. Sitting with your legs like you are straddling the back of a chair *is* lady-like if you are pregnant. Anyone who says otherwise can try sitting with a 30 lb. medicine ball in place of their lap and see how easy it is to do with legs together. Trust me, it isn't.
7. People feel that if you are going to put your belly out there (as if you have a choice!) it is their prerogative to rub it, touch it, feel it, and comment on it. While this doesn't bother me (ironically, since I am so not a fan of strangers' germs), I'm willing to bet there are a LOT of pregnant ladies it DOES bother. I'd suggest asking first, always.
8. Whatever Motherhood merchandiser thinks that maternity thongs are a must is NUTS. In fact, thank GOD for those lovely maternity briefs/granny panties. Probably my favorite maternity clothing items.
9. Men nest. I don't care what they say or how tough they want to come across. They nest. Often more than women. It's great.
10. There ARE cute things for boys. They are nowhere near available in the abundance that there is for girls, but they exist. Buy them when you see them, though!

Oh...there are more, but in rereading this, I realize I sound a bit hostile. I don't mean to, promise.

Maybe it's the hormones.

A whole lotta love going around!

Yesterday was one of the loveliest events I've ever been privileged to go to and it was *mine*!!! Well, mine and Matthew's! We were the guests of honor at a baby shower held at historic Mulberry Fields, and it was wonderful! The ladies who put it together did a phenomenal job with everything--the food, the games, the little touches here and there...and the setting was one that few will have the opportunity to experience. Again, I was truly overwhelmed with how loved and cared for we are, and how generous and kind dear friends are. I had several of my dear North Carolina friends come up--those who really have 'been' with us since we started to build our family years ago--and their coming was such a blessing to me. Many of the people who help make Maryland "home" and who were so involved in all the day-to-day IVF progress also came and reminded me of how blessed we are to have such a caring support system. Matthew, when you read this one day, know that your Aunties Nanci, Shelby, Tina and Deb put on one heckuva shower and did it all for you! Your Aunties Rose and Robin and Natalie traveled a long way to celebrate you--and it's all the more special that they have been waiting just as long as we have practically! Grandma brought you all sorts of goodies and can't wait for another little monkey in the family. Friends from every aspect of my life came and supported us--and are all so excited to meet you.



You are a very lucky little boy and mommy's cup runneth over.

Mulberry Fields--where Auntie Deb is Lady of the Manor


The back of the house, which is really the front

Walking in with God-daughter Eryn...feet already swollen and ready to swell more!



Upon entering, I saw this absolutely precious remembrance of Grandma Jane...very special...

The feast!

The fabulous shower ladies---Shelby, Tina and Nanci

What's in the diaper game???? (Hint, melted chocolate smells horrible to a pregnant woman! I'd rather have poop!)

As you can tell...yuck!

Daddy's baby spoon from 36 years ago...

Can't wait for Christmas Day with Matthew!

A little monkey for our little monkey!

Auntie Nanci LOVED buying these Hokie things for us. NOT! She's a Wahoo, but we still love her!

Eryn and her WeWe! She was a great tissue paper manager!

Daddy made it at the end...after the Hokies crushed Boston College, of course!

33 Weeks...

Wow. Where has time gone? I can't believe it's just a few weeks away. Hopefully, more than just a few, but since I hit 33, I'll take a few! I only have a few more days of work, and they're half days at best. I readily admit that I am tired and dragging, and as sweet as all the kids are in their hugs and wishes for me to stay, I am SO ready to be off my feet more and not push myself.

The last few days have been pretty uncomfortable. My *hope*, sort of, is that Matthew is turning...something feels different, I have a strange and new bulge on my right side, which has been the source of the pretty consistent pain, and I almost think he is trying to turn and is now not so much breech but transverse. I am no doctor, of course, but it sort of feels like he's that way. Our next ultrasound is in 20 days, so we'll see what happens from that. My next OB appointment is Thursday, and I imagine she can sort of feel around and figure some things out as well. I like the certainty of the ultrasounds, though!

John and I had our Breastfeeding Basics class last night. Yep, John too. I just think it has been amazing to watch John through this whole pregnancy. He is SO the nester, SO enjoying every second of it. I am enjoying as many seconds of it as I can, but it certainly is easier for him without actually HAVING to carry the extra 30+ pounds, deal with the uncomfortability and worry about how this kid is coming out! I'm glad...I am very blessed and grateful that he works hard, plans and prepares and I can stay home and be with our little miracle. It's only fitting that he gets to enjoy every little thing he can about the pregnancy! I DID find it funny, though, that after our class last night, John was the one who came home, opened the breast pump, explored it and got the low-down on it. Ha ha. Just like always--he can figure it out and tell me how to do it.

As far as the class itself, I am still very glad that I will try to breastfeed. Our teacher was a cute little lady and animated enough to keep John interested. Of course, he found time to work his Crackberry during class, but...what can I do? All in all, it seems like the whole little team of lactation people there at the hospital are pretty great, and there's lots of breastfeeding support. Funny--when I reserved the class back in June, I didn't realize that I could actually be using it just a few weeks later. So....here's to several more weeks. I hope.