Chubby Cheeks and 36 Weeks!

Well....whew.

Just needed a breath!

It's been a busy week and I am so grateful! My sweet Pensacola Girls came in starting last Wednesday (missed you, Tina!) and as I suspected they would, the days just FLEW by! It was nothing to find it was 2 am and we were STILL jibber-jabbering, even with our eyes half closed! We made the last airport shuttle run last night, and the house is quiet in kind of a sad way...more for the dogs because they LOVED having some sweet little girls visit with them and treat them like they were the best things since sliced bread!

Now I am looking at the bottom of my computer screen and see a 22 on the calendar pad.

December 22.

Where has this year gone? How is it only 3 days before Christmas? I've been listening to Christmas music in the car on our drives, and with each song I sing to, I am so aware of this time last year. How "I'll Be Home For Christmas," nearly killed me...literally. I couldn't breathe listening to it...thinking about how DESPERATE I was to be Home...with Matthew. How he was there and I was here. Or the words from "Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas,".... "From now on, our troubles will be out of sight..."

Yeah, a year ago, there was no way that I could be sure I'd be able to get out of the bed the next morning, much less shower, get dressed and eat. Remember to breathe. Go for more than a half an hour without crying....my 'troubles' being out of sight was laughable at best.

Insult to injury at that time of year was more believable.

But here I've been....for a week of driving all over...and singing those very same songs. With a different perspective, of course, but determined to let Luke's 'first' Christmas be one where he hears his mommy sing words that she has always, always loved. Some songs still make me tear up, and I've not been brave enough to go back to my words from these days a year ago. There is obviously no doubt that we've known unimaginable sorrow this year but we've also known unimaginable blessings. "J" wrote something that SO warmed my heart...there's no way that Luke could ever fill the hole in my heart left by Matthew, but he has opened up parts I never knew could exist...and surely didn't think would exist after losing Matthew.

I don't know of a word that could more aptly define that statement than simply, "True." We are just nearly ecstatic some moments when Luke does something funny to us--like go nuts over food and especially candy and sugary stuff (which Dr. Polko told me to watch these days, darnit!). When he yawns or swallows on the ultrasounds...when he kicks around so much they can't get the fetal monitor to stay and get his heartbeat appropriately. When he smiles...

We are so blessed with and grateful for this sweet little boy.

He is doing fabulously. I'm measuring big still, which just makes me laugh. He is now in the 75th%tile and I have told everyone (and a few doctors agree!) that I don't know that I'd have made it to 40 weeks on my own anyway--he is definitely lower, my hips are DEFINITELY aware of it, he's bigger...there's just no place on my tummy that you can feel where there is NOT Luke pushing as hard as he can to fill that space! He's weighing in at 6 lbs., 9 oz., which is more than Matthew was at birth. Even if this is an overmeasurement, with the standard measure of error, he's probably at least about 6 lbs. He has chubby, chubby cheeks!!!! He has obviously enjoyed the cuisine of Hotel Mommy! Dr. Polko and I discussed the options for if he should decide to come a bit earlier than even the 38 weeks we planned, and came to the consensus that we had several, but should not necessarily plan on being too far from St. Mary's at the least and Annapolis at best. I think we'll make it to 38, but maybe just barely.

I'm gaining more steadily, about 25-26 pounds now and some light/moderate swelling is beginning. I think a lot of it has been me being so busy lately, not to mention it's just that time of a pregnancy when it should start if it will. It's not too bad at all and I plan to spend the next 11 days and 14 hours until his birthday just sort of taking it easy.

Still scheduled for 1:00 on January 4. Did I mention that's just a little over 11 days?

Don't know if I will get a chance to write before Christmas...we are looking at a possible Nor'easter this weekend and that could put a crimp in our travel plans because John doesn't want to be too far from home for too long either, and that includes taking the chance of being snowed in. We'll see.

In any event, for any who read, and for all who comment and take the time to give me a sweet word of encouragement or email or amazing little gift in the mail for me or for Luke or for Matthew....I just can't say thank you enough. I mean that literally. I am so behind in thank-you notes and acknowledgements and it's mostly due to the fact that we are just SO ABUNDANTLY blessed with the generosity of such precious hearts.

How appropriate to remember the generosity of a precious heart at this time of year...specifically the heart that so loved the world that He gave His only Son...so one day I'll see my first-born again.

Grateful.

Definitely still Mommy's lips and chin...look at those cheeks!

I LOVE this little pout!!!!

Me at 36 weeks..starting to fill out a bit more....

Dixie can't understand why a camera is pulled out and she is not asked to pose....

Pensacola Girls (minus Tina!)

Here's what's going on with Luke this week:

Week Thirty Six: Baby may drop into the birth canal

You are 36 weeks pregnant. (fetal age 34 weeks) The baby is about 19 inches (48 cm) long. Weight is around 6 pounds (2.7 kg). The baby's body is becoming chubby as fat layers build. Between now and birth they may gain about an ounce (30g) a day You may feel contractions of the womb, called Braxton Hicks contractions. While it says that your baby weighs six and a half pounds this week and measures 19 inches long, this is only an estimate. In general, babies are gaining half a pound (225 grams) per week now. Baby continues gaining weight as fat deposits and is forming creases in the neck and wrists. You may feel contractions of the womb, called Braxton Hicks contractions, which can be used to perform and practice breathing exercises. You may be visiting your caregiver weekly up until the birth. Regular internal exams may begin, to see if your cervix has softened, thinned, dilated or if your baby's head is dropping into the pelvis. Any of these could be signs of impending labor but there are no guarantees and you could be waiting for weeks yet. Your baby is almost ready, a pair of kidneys and the liver has begun processing some waste products, the only organ still to mature is the lungs. This week your baby may drop into the birth canal, this is called 'lightening' or 'dropping'. If this is not your first baby, this 'lightening' may not occur until right before labor. Your care provider may refer to it by saying that your baby is now 'engaged'. The majority of babies are now in the birth position, either head down (vertex) or butt down (breech), most will maintain this position until birth. Any movements that they make are more likely to be rolls from side to side.You may notice when this happens because it will suddenly become much easier for you to breathe. While breathing becomes easier, walking may be the exact opposite. If your baby has dropped you may find yourself visiting the bathroom much more often as baby is resting right on top of your bladder again. Keep talking - by now he or she can recognize you voice, and may respond to any loud noises with a swift kick out. The average twin birth occurs between 36 and 37 weeks and the babies weigh an average of 5 pounds apiece. A baby's average size is now 18.5 inches (47 cm) and 6 pounds (2700 g).

Scare Tactics At 35 Weeks...

I think anyone who knows me *in real life* pretty much knows I'm an overachieving type of gal. Whereas John is the "Why spend a weekend studying for a 99 when I can spend an hour or two and get a 90?" type--I'm cut from more of the, "Ummm...because you CAN...and SHOULD!" cloth.

Now, in fairness...in the nearly 18 years John and I have been together, I have come to at least appreciate his philosophy (especially when it means spending more time with me and less time doing something that may not mean a lot in the bigger scheme of things).

But I still like to go above and beyond as a general rule. And I like for my children to do so as well.

I was always so glad that Matthew not only passed his tests, but did really well! Breathing? Oh yeah. Amniotic fluid, even with only one kidney? Yep. Movement? Seriously!!! Tone? Super. I think part of my worry about him going down in growth percentiles as he did was maybe even my subconscious worrying about him not being at the top of everything he could be.

Luke has been a good boy for his mommy--passing everything with flying colors and even exceeding in big ways lots of little things that his brother didn't really seem too worried about. I worried Luke wouldn't move as much as Matthew because I'd freak out wondering if everything was ok and though Luke still doesn't move as much, he moves a TON and is a bit more predictable in his moving, so that's a nice little trade-off for me.

I've had ultrasounds every other week since Luke was 6 weeks. I started weekly ultrasounds at 30 weeks. Normally, he is all over the place and I worry they won't be able to get the things they need because he's so active. Yesterday's ultrasound took a good bit longer...the baby was sleeping, apparently, and since she was doing a biophysical profile, she wanted to see him moving and breathing and such. So, it took a bit. He still got an 8/8, but when Dr. Sweeney came in, I told him about how the monitor went off last week at Dr. Polko's and someone I didn't know came in and was asking all sorts of questions and such...then when I saw Dr. Polko, she asked, "So when's the next time you see Sweeney?"--a question she has NEVER asked. I had answered that it was just a few days later, and asked her if I needed to see him sooner and she told me, "No...just curious."

I found it odd, but she said all was fine and I trust my doctors. There is such reassurance in being able to believe them.

In telling Dr. Sweeney, though, he asked if it would make me feel a bit better if he put me on their NST monitor there. In reality, these non-stress tests are SOOO stressful to me, but seeing as HE'S never offered that either, I figured he wouldn't if there wasn't a purpose. Of course, he told me not to read too much into it, and it was just to reassure me, but still.

Well...the strip had a ton of accelerations, and no decelerations, but one of the points of the test is looking for at least 2 accelerations that last for at least 15 seconds or more in a 20 minute time period.

No such luck. His heart rate was pretty low the whole time, about 115-120, which is still very normal and expected this far in the game, but one of the nurses came in and said, "Wow, your baby likes to hang low."

No, he doesn't really.

They kept me on the monitor for 40 minutes, since he failed one part in the first 20, and still didn't have the accelerations she wanted by the end. She was very nice, though, and told me that it was not a big deal at all because the tracing was beautiful and he'd done fabulously on the biophysical profile.

I'd still have liked him to pass ALL the things with flying colors.

Dr. Sweeney said that non-reactive but reassuring NSTs happen all the time and the ultrasound findings and movements they saw were great information and more accurate of his well-being.

To quote one of my favorite movies about the word 'reassuring,' "I do not think that word means what you think it means."

I had two lollipops and a big glass of cold water and he still wouldn't keep his heart rate up higher. John just said that's because he's like his test pilot daddy--calm and cool.

Hmm. Anway....

We did another ultrasound after, though, and he was moving and more wiggly and Dr. Sweeney said he looked great.

Again, I have NO doubt that if he was the teeniest bit worried, he'd have me in labor and delivery before I could blink...so, though I'd prefer Luke to not scare mommy as much, no one else seemed worried (John included) so I won't either.

But I'm dying to see how he does at his NST this morning! It was scheduled for later in the week, but my Pensacola Girls are coming in starting tomorrow and I switched it!!!! For a while I thought it might be silly to have an ultrasound on Monday afternoon and an NST on Tuesday morning, but now, not so much....

The surgery is still scheduled for the 4th, but has been moved to 1 pm. That's just fine with me.

Again, hard to believe.

No weight gain this week either...still hovering between 20-22 pounds total...I think the doctors are just now starting to hope I put a bit more on, but Luke still seems to be growing just fine, so I'm not too worried. In truth, this is how I figured my pregnancy with Matthew would have gone--I have NEVER been able to really put any weight on, and was shocked with 50 pounds with Matthew. Not upset, just surprised. This is more of how my body usually is with weight gain, even in light of many increased calories.

Didn't think we'd get any more great pictures, but Dr. Sweeney was on a mission yesterday--looking to reassure me--and he got a sweet, sweet little smile. Can't wait to hold that boy and see that smile face to face!

UPDATE: So, he TOTALLY kicked booty this morning at his appointment. Granted, I gulped the cold water and popped bubble gum like it was going out of style, but he was ALL over the place...and his heartrate was great. It was in the 130s, like normally...and not like the 110-115 of yesterday. I was 'done' with that test in like 6 minutes. And he's been moving like gangbusters all day, even though I've been all over the place running errands. Think my boy is like his mama...a morning person who pretty much feels like crashing around 2:30-3:00!! Also found out that I am STILL measuring 'big'--about two weeks ahead. I didn't realize this has been the trend for most of the pregnancy because I'm always so focused on Luke's stats, but essentially, I'm measuring about two weeks ahead and have been for a while. Which makes me feel even way better about going early at 38 weeks. Might even be a good thing that I've been getting our bags for the hospital together. He might just decide to surprise us on his own at 37 weeks or so...then again, thanks to my friend Nia, I have to say I wouldn't be that surprised after all!

Rare profile where Luke doesn't have his hands by his face!

I'm NOT looking to cooperate, thanks!

Oh, alright...since mommy's having such a rough afternoon...I'll smile!

Here's what's going on with Luke this week:

Week Thirty Five: Reflexes are coordinated

You are 35 weeks pregnant. (fetal age 33 weeks) Your baby is now about 18.5 inches in length and weighs over 5.5 pounds. Baby is about 47cm crown to heel and weighs almost 2.7 Kg. The body of your baby is growing round due to developing fat layers. Your baby's reflexes are coordinated. Lungs are almost fully developed. About 90% of babies born this week survive. Most babies gain about half pound per week in the last month of pregnancy. Fat stores accumulate in the legs and arms. These layers of fat will help them regulate their body temperature. Baby still doesn't have enough fat deposits beneath its skin to keep warm outside your womb. If born now the baby would probably be put in an incubator, about 90% of babies born this week survive. Lungs are almost fully developed. Your baby's reflexes are coordinated, they turn their head, grasp firmly, and respond to sounds, light and touch. You should still feel movement every day. He or she is about 5 and a half pounds and growing fast, it is getting short of space in the womb. Your uterus has become more cramped, your baby's kicks and other movements less forceful. You may want to check on your baby's movements from time to time and do a kick count. Baby may push up against your ribs and make you a little breathless. Soon your baby's position changes to prepare itself for labor and delivery. The baby drops down in your pelvis and you will be able to breathe easily again.

Somebody Has A Birthday Planned!

January 4, 2011.

That date is tentatively scheduled to be Luke's birthday.

Surreal.

Yesterday's appointment was fabulous. We brought Snickerdoodles and chocolate covered pretzels (it's that time of year!) and I think they were a big hit. I asked John on Saturday what he thought we should bring and he said, "I think Dr. Sweeney would appreciate some Snickerdoodles."

I should mention that John's favorite cookie is a Snickerdoodle, but he assures me there was no ulterior motive.

Sure.

Anyway, Luke was doing fabulously. He was moving around tons and tons...which is certainly not new! He was also VERY head down (no surprise to me, my hips or my bladder!) and facing my back, so there were not any good facial pictures. Sounds like he's all set for delivery, doesn't it? Well...in about 27 days, he'll have his time! Dr. Sweeney said that Dr. Morris (the doctor who is going to do the surgery, and the head of Labor and Delivery at AAMC) was on vacation my 38th week. Of course he is...that's the way things go for me.

Usually.

Dr. Sweeney then said that even though he was on vacation that week, Dr. Morris said he'd come in any day we'd like to deliver. Seriously? The man is on vacation the week after New Year's and he's coming in to deliver for a woman he barely knows. Well, I guess it's more for Dr. Sweeney, which should say spades about what a rock star Dr. Sweeney is! In any event, we've been having our ultrasounds on Mondays, and I'll be 38 weeks on the 3rd of January. The plan is to go in on the 3rd in the afternoon for our ultrasound, stay the night in Annapolis (and pray that the Hokies win the Orange Bowl!!) and then head in for surgery at 7:30 the next morning.

So that Tuesday will be his birthday.

I am still having a hard time believing we will be bringing him home. We only had a few things left that I wanted to pick up for Luke but I wanted to wait until there were fewer than 30 days in case anything had to be returned. I know that sounds really sort of morbid on some level, but it's just the way I'm feeling. We bought the video monitor and I'll order the rest of his cloth diaper stash and other than that...that boy is SET!

He has lots of hair still...and was hard to measure because he was tucked and crossed and basically smooshed. Haley got about 5 pounds, but I wouldn't be surprised if he wasn't a bit over that because he was only half a pound away from that two weeks ago. The best part was how huge his feet are! Haley said he was going to be born wearing a 9.5 shoe size! He obviously takes after his daddy and is like his big brother! I love that!

His kidney is still enlarged, but Dr. Sweeney is not too concerned. He said that he'll probably order an ultrasound there at the hospital after Luke is born to see if it is anything more than reflux. I'm not worried at all. Matthew only had one for most of my pregnancy, and then was found to have a pelvic kidney right before he was born. I have learned that one working and functional kidney is just fine, and for that I am grateful!

Still only gained about 20-21 pounds, but not sure how because I am hungry ALL. THE. TIME! This boy likes his food and my appetite has definitely picked up even more! John thinks it's hilarious! I have no swelling and no stretch marks, and every time Dr. Shonekan tells me, "Remember...you do pregnancy well," I have to say that I somewhat agree based on the way things are going.

If only I did bringing the baby home well...

Here are some pictures from this week:

33w6d...it's starting to get cold!!!!!

Hair and his little ear...

Check that foot out!!!!! Holy cow!!!!

Here's how Luke is developing this week:

Week Thirty Four: Rapid growth continues

You are 34 weeks pregnant. (fetal age 32 weeks) Your baby now is approximately 18 inches long and weighs about 5.25 pounds. Baby is now 46cm crown to heel and the weight is 2400 grams. Your child has now an excellent chance of survival outside the womb. Fat accumulations plumps up the arms and legs this week. Eyes opened when awake and closed when sleeping. The fingernails are now completely formed. Even babies born earlier than this could survive outside the womb with hospital support although the risk of complications would be high. Your baby may have already turned to a head down position in preparation for birth. The skull bones are still pretty flexible and not completely joined to help to ease exit out of the narrow birth canal. Fat accumulations plumps up the arms and legs this week. The baby's skin is also becoming less wrinkled. Braxton Hicks contractions may be getting more numerous and stronger. Thanks to antibodies crossing the placenta the baby is developing immunities to mild infections.

Moving Forward, Minivans and Months....

...rather the lack thereof in the months department. We are probably looking at January 4-6 for Luke's birthday and friends...that's 34 days or so from now. I don't have to go through the whole figuring out/conversion of weeks-to-months in gestational terms for people when they ask when I am due. Now, I just can say, "Next Month." Hard to believe. REALLY hard to believe.

And that's where moving forward ties in...whether we like it or not, it happens. I guess more so, whether we are READY or not, it happens. Some days, I feel like I'm doing pretty well, all things considered, and even give myself a tiny pat on the back for how 'healthy' my 'grieving process' has been. Of course, this is usually following a counseling session where I've been told this and somehow, hearing it from someone else makes it more believable, right?

Other days...and I guess if I am honest, I'd even say most days to some degree...I just feel like I'm going through motions to keep my head above water. Don't get me wrong, I think that honestly, this is pretty much the only way to function sometimes--just continue to push yourself through the motions of things and the authenticity eventually will come (or you'll realize that it is not something of which you want to experience the authenticity and you just stop!)...call it 'fake it 'til you make it' or what you will, but I call it survival.

And really, isn't that what most of us do most days anyway? Whether it's because we've lost a job or a friend hurts our feelings or we are frustrated by the insurance company or we try and contemplate a lifetime without a loved one...we just do what we can do to best survive the day.

What an added blessing so many days are when I realize that I've not just survived, I've had such grace extended that I am able to enjoy and immerse myself in that authenticity that I prayed would come.

But it all starts with the going through of the motions...and those motions have to have the goal of moving forward. I'm on board, I guess.

John, in his efforts to do the same, does things differently. Of course...John has a way of needing what we'd call 'retail therapy' when his heart hurts. I'm not talking about a new book or sweater or fish for his tank. I'm talking about outrageously expensive bedroom furniture or basement renovation or a new car.

Yes, a new car. We bought a minivan yesterday. Last May, on the 31st to be exact, we bought a new Honda CRV. My beloved Accord had been totaled and that just broke my heart. But....we had two dogs and a baby on the way, so it was time to upsize a bit anyway. And Wally was bought. I really loved that car. We got a great deal on it and more, it just was proof that we were going to need more space because we had a real, live baby on the way!!!! FINALLY...after over 10 years....I would *need* a little SUV!

Driving a few weeks ago to mom's house, with two dogs and stuff for ONE night....John and I realized that when Luke came, we might be a tad bit cramped. The quest for the minivan was on. Of course, all those responsibilities were mine--(in defense of John, the responsibility of paying for it is his, so I think I got the good end of the deal!) and actually that's a good thing because when John and I play good cop/bad cop, I am SOOOOO the bad cop. And I'm pretty good at it too. I have NO problem saying, rather firmly I might add, "Well. That's a deal breaker. Let's go, John."

Which is met with John's pleading eyes..."But I LIKE it!" (Pensacola girls, can't you just HEAR him?)

Luckily for John, we got not only the deal I was looking for, but a bit better and the exact color we wanted, so Homer became part of our family. Yes, Homer. Named by John. For Homer's epic Odyssey.

Because it's a 2011 Odyssey:

We traded the CRV in and let me tell you, I cried. A LOT. Wally was the car we bought for Matthew. John didn't officially know it was for Matthew yet, but I did. I drove that car around and turned the music up and sang and sang to him. He responded heartily with kick after kick after kick. Like his Great-grandma, Grandma and mommy, that boy LOVED his music. We drove to appointments and baby registering and baby showers and baby birthing classes and baby feeding classes in that car. That was Matthew's car.

And as is happening so much more and more these days....one more thing that was Matthew's has disappeared.

It's like a knife over and over. I know it's dumb, because it's just a car...but it was HIS car. The new car is Luke's and I'm so thrilled to have it...but there are so few things that were Matthew's. Ours. They just keep dropping off and my heart hurts.

One of my most vivid memories--a narrative that just keeps playing over and over in my head--is getting into that car the morning we left the hospital. The car seat was there and huge and obviously, empty. Bad enough we were driving home without our son...but with the empty car seat as a cruel reminder. There may be pictures and memories I'll forget...but I doubt that will be one of them.

Anyway...

Luke has tons of hair! He looked fabulous yesterday and Katie, the sono tech said, "Wow...that's a lotta hair!" Matthew had a lot of hair also, but his was fine and long. Bless his little heart, John and I daresay even mullet-like. John said that he wonders if Luke will come out looking like a mon-chi-chi. I would love that--I think babies with all that fluffy hair are freaking adorable! We got the famous, "Lori, this kid looks like a million," from Dr. Sweeney and discussed dates for the surgery. He's going to see what day during the week of the 3rd works best for Dr. Morris at the hospital, and let us know next Monday. I asked about how often he'd like to see us that last week or two and bless his heart, again, he said, "As much as you need to so you don't worry!"

Again...so grateful that he gets how much I'm worried. I knew it would be like this, and for that reason, I am at least a bit prepared and can try and keep things under control...but the closer we get, the less and less I actually believe we will be dressing a little boy in the things I am washing and folding.

The more and more I fear I'll have another nursery that will be unused.

A bigger car with no need.

Another grave to visit.

It didn't really seem very real with Matthew...and I had NO reason to worry. I'm having a hard time believing this time will be different. I know that 6.3 in 1000 infants die in the US. I know that in Maryland, 8 in 1000 die. I know those are very, very low odds.

I've said it before though...when you are one of those very, very low numbers...the odds could be 1 in 1,000,000 and you can't completely rule out that you won't be that one. And just because you've already been that one, you don't feel like you've hit your quota or anything. It could just as easily be you...again.

As we get closer...I just continue to pray that this time, it won't be.

Here's a picture of Luke's hair floating around in the amniotic fluid!

I made it over 120 this week, but just barely, and now I'm back to about 118. Of course, for the past day or so, I've also had a touch of the stomach bug that's been going around, I think, so it's still probably about a net gain of 18ish pounds, but he's doing just fine, and growing beautifully, so I'm not worried about my weight. It's fine. STILL NO SWELLING!!! HOORAY!

32w5d...beautiful weather for Thanksgiving but WINDY!

Here's a bit of what he's up to this week:

Week Thirty Three: Lanugo is disappearing

You are 33 weeks pregnant. (fetal age 31 weeks) The baby inside you is now about 4.4 pounds (2 kg) and around 17.5 inches (44cm) in length. The diameter of the head is about 8.5cm. The baby fuzz, lanugo, is disappearing. Your baby drinks about a pint of amniotic fluid a day. You may gain a pound a week (500g) for the rest of your pregnancy. Half of your weight gain will go directly to your baby. The baby is using it's lungs to practice breathing by inhaling amniotic fluid. Your baby is drinking about a pint of amniotic fluid a day now and urinating the same amount. The early baby fuzz, lanugo, is disappearing now and being replaced by actual hair. The nails of your baby are now long enough to reach to the tip of the fingers or beyond and may need trimming as soon as they are born. They may scratch their face even before birth. You may gain a pound a week for the rest of your pregnancy. Do not stop eating or start skipping meals as your weight increases. Both you and your baby need the calories and nutrition you receive from a healthy diet. Calcium intake is extremely important during pregnancy because the baby will draw calcium from the mother to make and harden bone. This can greatly weaken her own bones and teeth because the developing fetus will take minerals from the mother's skeletal structure as and when needed.

Dates...

...don't really mean too much. They do, but they don't. I've said that before.

John, bless his sweet heart, asked if I wanted him to be around on Monday. I asked him why he thought I'd want that. He said, "It's the day Matthew died." Well, I of course knew that, but wondered why he felt that day would be worse than any other. Honestly, if I *had* to pick a day that would be worst, I guess it would be his birthday. And truly, the days I prepare for are WAY easier than some days I don't.

Like today. When the word 'exsanguination' pretty much had me crying...all.day.long.

Poor Dr. Sweeney--he got an earful today. As always, he was just amazing in listening, reassuring and just sympathizing with us.

So, if we're mentioning dates....a year ago was my due date with Matthew. I just knew, knew, KNEW he'd be on time...just like his mama.

Yep, so not right about that.

Anyway...we had our weekly appointment for Luke today. We measure every two weeks, which is still probably a little close...sort of like watching brownies...there's way more way to tell accurately how much more cooked they are if you aren't watching them every 30 seconds. In any event, today was a growth scan and Luke was weighing in 4 lbs., 8 oz. He's already bigger than I was when I was born and he's 32 weeks while I was full-term. The measurements taken today gave his gestational age as 32w1d...which is exactly what I am. His head circumference was a bit smaller--31w6d, but that's his daddy for you. Some other measurements were right on, give or take, but the femur length was 2 weeks bigger! Looks like this mommy just grows long babies. Overall, he was in the 65th%tile!!!! Even the sono tech was sort of surprised and asked, "You passed your glucose test, right?"

Hmmmm....yes....yes, I did....but that was 6 weeks ago and gestational diabetes can come on at any time...especially toward the end of the pregnancy. So, we'll ask Dr. Shonekan about whether or not she thinks I might want to do another one just to be sure. Odds are, things are fine...but for him to continue to GROW in the percentile charts, while I STILL have only gained 17 pounds...well, like I said, she implied that it wouldn't hurt to see what my OB says and double check the glucose.

Dr. Sweeney said not to worry about the hiccups too much. He said it seemed like Luke was drinking up in there (knew he was a party animal) because his little tummy was full of amniotic fluid. But bless that man's heart...when I said, "I know, I'm just getting more anxious, I guess..." he said, "Well of course you are. How could you not?" When I asked how often we'd need to see him in the last two weeks or so before we delivered, he said, "Well, I guess we'll just have to get some beds here in the office for you guys, won't we?"

He gets it. He gets it because he sort of lived it too. Matthew dying shocked him as much as it shocked us...maybe even more because I ALWAYS feel like there's a small chance of something going horribly wrong and he, as a doctor with far more knowledge and experience, had NO DOUBT that things were fine with us.

So he gets that I'm getting more nervous because really...so is everyone else. And as he said, rightly so.

No pictures...he's cramped and his little hands (both of them) were right up there, as usual. I figured we would be coming close to the end of good pictures because of him being cramped and I guess we've moved into that territory. Not too much longer, and odds are he will be spine up to boot.

He looked beautiful, though....and I was thankful, thankful, thankful.

Here's what my little chubster is doing this week:

(For the record, Luke, daddy called you a cuckoo bird...apparently mama cuckoo birds will lay eggs in the nest of a smaller bird...the baby cuckoo bird will hatch, and grows REALLY fast...pushing the smaller mama bird's other babies our and making the smaller mama bird work hard to keep the big old cuckoo bird fed...I guess I should be glad he didn't liken me to the mama cuckoo bird who apparently prefers 'the system' take care of her babies...oh, your daddy is a funny, funny boy....)

Week Thirty Two: Reproductive development continues
You are 32 weeks pregnant. (fetal age 30 weeks) The baby is 17 inches (43cm) long and weighs 4 pounds (1.8 kilograms). The diameter of the head is almost 4 inches (10cm). Under the skin the fat layer is getting thicker. The toenails and fingernails are completely formed. In boys, the testicles will be descending from the groin down into his scrotum. During this time the baby sleeps most of the day. The uterus is getting to be a small space for the baby to move about, so you may have noticed a decrease in your baby's movements. The baby is still trying to move frequently but it just does not have enough room. The baby will turn its head from side to side and move its hands. As space in your uterus becomes more cramped, your baby's kicks and other movements may seem less forceful. You may want to check on your baby's movements from time to time and do a kick count. If your baby is a boy, his testicles are moving from their location near the kidneys through the groin on their way into the scrotum. If your baby is a girl, her clitoris is now relatively prominent. The baby will now weigh about 4 pounds (1.8 kg). Half of your weight gain now will go directly to baby. If you are carrying twins or more, their weight increase will be slower than singletons because of the lack of room in the uterus. Are you waddling? This is because the ligaments in your pelvis have softened, allowing your hips to spread in preparation for birth. If you find that the increased weight of your breasts is uncomfortable when sleeping try wearing a soft but supportive bra to bed.

The Countdown Continues...

So, we're like 7 weeks out. If that.

38 weeks will be January 3, so more than likely, we'll be scheduled for the 4th or 5th of January.

Which is NOT. THAT. FAR.

I've had a million things going on in my head...so many that I can't even get them out and that just adds to my t0-do list. I constantly walk around with a list (which I am forever losing, thus forcing the need to make a new list and endure the anxiety of trying to remember what was on the original list...oy!) of things and while I am grateful for the things on the list because they keep me busy, busy, busy-----I'm tired! Not physically; I actually have quite a bit of energy...just mentally.

So I just have been trying to lay low lately. I've had several people tell me that they worry when I don't write or update FB for a few days. I'm so blessed to have people even pay that much attention to me, much less know that may mean that I've got stuff going on internally, so to speak. I guess they are sort of right--not so much in the need to worry, but that it typically means I am processing *stuff* and just needing the time/space/energy to do that.

There's a lot to process these days. Heather wrote about how she has a million posts she'd like to write but then they end up internalized and I SO get that!!! And those 'internal' posts just add to the jumble that's already there!

Luke's appointment Monday was great. No measurements since we just did that last week, but he's doing lovely. He was moving all over the place (and I PURPOSELY ate/drank NOTHING with sugar to keep him more calm. Nope. Nothing doing!) and as usual, Dr. Sweeney did a fabulous job of getting some side profile shots of him. He's got some sweet chubby cheeks like his brother, and huge feet and long legs...again, like his brother. If nothing else, apparently, John and I are consistent. His little lips and pout are his mommy's, along with that chin, and I'm even starting to see some of his Granddad's eyebrow shape like I saw with Matthew. I am so grateful for all these pictures...

I'm also grateful for the care we get from that office. It's like we're rockstars or something! They ask us what we think about the new decorations, feel comfortable enough to make baking requests (FINALLY!!!!!! I'm so happy!!!!! Black-velvet cupcakes were recently requested--and with my homemade icing, not the cream cheese! I couldn't make the cream cheese icing last time because I couldn't tolerate the smell, so I made my own and they LIKED it enough to ask for it again!!!!) and just generally treat us like we are old friends. Dr. Sweeney sent us over to L&D to see 'his buddy' (as he casually says!) who just so happens to be the head of L & D and as Dr. Morris was giving us a tour ALL OVER the place, people were looking at us like we must be very, very important for HIM to be doing that with us! He even took me back to the operating area (though he said he was sneaking us back there because we really weren't supposed to be there!) because "he didn't want anything to scare me or surprise me."

SERIOUSLY???? We are so blessed.

It was emotional, I admit, for both John and me...even though the WHOLE place is different, obviously...it was just so, so emotional. John said the NICU was so very different from Georgetown's...and though Georgetown was wonderful, it was very clinical compared to the warmth and colors of AAMC. I reminded him that private hospitals have different money sources than schools! He knows that, but I just got the impression from John that if it wasn't for the amazing compassion of the Georgetown doctors and nurses who worked with Matthew, he would have even more of a cold and hardened memory.

So, we are all ok. I've been freaking out about the hiccups lately--Luke seems to have them often, and though Dr. Polko said that was a good thing, I also know that sometimes, fetal hiccups can be indicative of distress...especially cord distress...so I feel better when they are gone and he's back to the wiggly little acrobat he usually is!

The closer we get...the more worried I am. The more real it is, the more disappointment I feel I am getting closer to.

Every time I visit Matthew's grave...I just don't believe it will be any different.

My heart breaks. Missing Matthew and sadly, missing Luke.

I know that statement may not make sense, and is probably eliciting lots of, "She needs to think positive...she shouldn't feel like that...that's not healthy....yada yada yada."

All I have to say is that I doubt that would come from anyone who's lost a child. To us, it makes perfect sense.

There was NO, NO, NO reason to think that there would be ANY complications with Matthew...so being in the same boat with Luke is not really any comfort to me. And that's just reality.

I just keep begging God for His mercy and remembering, "This one, she will keep."

Soooo....those feelings and many others are why I have just preferred to internalize. Less judgement. Well-meaning, I know...but judgement nonetheless.

Luke's shower is this Saturday and I'm very, very excited! I'm attaching his sweet little invite and again hope that anyone who is nearby and sees it and would like to come, does. I can't say enough how grateful for the support we've received we are.

Luke, Mommy loves you...I love you, love you, love you and can't wait for the next 7 weeks!

Look at those SWEET cheeks!

Those lips and pout are SO mine!

More pouting and sweet cheeks...always with a little hand to his face!

That elbow is CONSTANTLY jabbing me! I love it!

Here's Luke's update for this week:

I'm still about 17 pounds or so of weight gain...NO SWELLING, Hallelujah!!!! I was about 10 pounds heavier with Matthew, but a lot of that was fluid. I could stand to gain a bit more, but Luke's actually a hair heavier than average, so he's doing just fine! As I said, I actually have a good deal of energy, though it's spent by about 3 in the afternoon! Of course, not sleeping much and getting up at 6:15 every day with John adds to that! Luke loves hearing the sunshine toy and he likes daddy's voice when he reads too!

Exercise? No. Hips and back just can't take it. I'm very active, though, and not overweight...nor need to worry about rough laboring, so, I'm ok with no exercise right now! (Or any day, really!)

Week Thirty One: Baby detects light

You are 31 weeks pregnant. (fetal age 29 weeks) Baby weighs 3.5 pounds and measures 16.5 inches from the head to heel. Baby's weight is about 1.6 kg and length around 42cm. The eyes have now completely opened and are responding to light and darkness. A loud noise near you may cause your little one to jump. Your baby continues to grow. Baby's lungs and digestive tract are very near to being mature. Now that almost all of the major organs are functioning, growth will focus on maturing those organs and growing muscle mass and fat stores. Baby's weight gain will exceed its growth in length from now on. He or she should more than double their weight again between now and birth. It weighs about 3.5 pounds (1.6kg), and crown to rump length is 11 inches (28cm). Its total length is 16.5 inches (42cm). A loud noise near you may cause your little one to jump. Baby may move to the rhythm of music. Studies with heart rates show that they may also prefer some types of music to others at this stage. The eyes can now completely open and the irises are now responsive to light, dilating and contracting as needed. You will probably find that though you have been feeling pretty energetic throughout your second trimester, you are beginning to slow down now. Pay attention to your body's signals and rest when you need to. Exercise is still an important activity for you, even though it gets harder as you get larger and heavier. Try swimming, stretching and walking all excellent options for pregnant women. Your total pregnancy weight gain by this time should be between 21 and 28 pounds (9.5 and 12.5kg).

Weekly Visits Rock!

Last week, I told John that with things going as well as they were, I sort of felt guilty about moving to the weekly ultrasound visits because really, they were just more for my peace of mind. Of course, I then got over that guilt pretty quickly, because my peace of mind is priceless (and rare) these days.

So, I was VERY glad that I already had an appointment scheduled for this week. Though Dr. Sweeney just told us to come in whenever we could yesterday (I know his office staff must cringe when patients walk in and go, "Dr. Sweeney said to come whenever....") because our appointment was actually supposed to be Monday, I called to get a time frame and hopefully help their scheduling out some. Luke moved around all day, so I wasn't too worried, but was curious about the kidney issue and his growth.

He looks great. Still refuses to take that little hand away from his face, but other than that, a couple of sweet pictures--especially of him smiling and his sweet (big!) feet! The sono tech at the hospital measured and found him to be 2 lbs., 14 oz (which put him in the 12th% for growth and about 5/6 days behind gestational age) but John said that she wasn't quite as accurate as our friends (who do that all day long) and he'd guess it was closer to 3 lbs., 4 oz., because those measurements could be as much as 200 grams off. Only John would be able to do that conversion all right there.

Suzanne measured him at 3 lbs., 6 oz., which would TOTALLY confirm he was probably 3 lbs., 4 oz. on Sunday because they tend to gain about an ounce or so a day....he was in the 54th%tile, same as last week, and just perfect. Yawning, moving all over, just very content and happy. Dr. Sweeney looked at his kidney and his left one is enlarged some, but is considered mild pelviectasis and he's not a bit worried. My worry is that Luke has a UTI and we wouldn't really know until he was born and they could do a test, but he doesn't think that's it at all...more reflux if anything, and it is very common in boys. So, Matthew's was hiding and Luke's is bulging a bit. My boys.

As I said, though, no one's worried. Dr. Sweeney had noted that one was larger than the other, but always within common/normal limits and now we'll just keep a good eye on it for the next several weeks until he's born. If it gets bigger, or doesn't change, after he's born, we'll take him to a pediatric urologist. Funny...I had researched those for Matthew. We'll be fine.

I have remained pretty steady with weight-- 116-117ish. No swelling, which makes such a difference. Sleeping in 1-2 hour chunks, so getting up with Luke should be par for the course by the time he gets here. I've had a pretty icky sore throat for a few days, and originally thought it was from the ball and just talking too loud over the insanely loud music they were playing. Nope, it's still here. Still sore. Really sore. And strep is going around. I have not found a primary care doctor since I switched to Tricare Standard, so I'll probably end up having to go to Urgent Care today. Hooray.

Nothing else, really....see Dr. Shonekan tomorrow (now that Dr. Sweeney is weekly, every other week I'll have two doctors in one week. As much as a pain as my insurance can be, what would I do without it?!) and then Luke's shower is in a week and a half. I'm very excited to see people and for people to 'see' Luke. I'm going to post the sweet little invite and if you can read it and are in the area, would love to see you. We have been very, very blessed with such wonderful support and compassion in the last year and just want to be able to celebrate God's amazing grace.

Here are some pics of Luke...as we get closer, we're losing room in there, so not as many as great pictures, but I love the sweet feet and him smiling!!!

Soooooo tired of all these pictures.....wonder what they'll be doing when I'm BORN!

Profile...lots of mom and dad and big brother!

He has a BLAST using those sweet feet to kick my right side!

Dr. Sweeney's SO good at getting smile shots!

Here are some Luke stats for Week 30:

Week Thirty: Baby puts on pounds

You are 30 weeks pregnant. (fetal age 28 weeks) Baby measurements are 16 inches and weighs about 3 pounds. Length is 40cm and your baby's weight is 1.4 kilograms. The head is almost 3.5 inches (8cm) in diameter. The feet are nearly 2.5 inches (6cm) long. The wrinkled skin is becoming smoother now. In boys, the testicles have moved down to the groin. The baby controls its own body temperature. For several months, the umbilical cord has been the baby's lifeline to the mother. Nourishment is transferred from the mothers blood, through the placenta, and into the umbilical cord to the fetus. Their bone marrow is now responsible for red cell production. These red blood cells will continue to service your child's body by transporting oxygen and removing the wastes. Your baby begins storing iron, calcium and phosphorus. The fetus now weighs about 3 pounds (1.4kg). He or she will gain about half a pound a week until week 38. Baby is getting fatter and beginning to control its own body temperature. Baby continues to put on fat stores and the major weight gains will occur in the coming weeks. Eyebrows and eyelashes are fully developed, and hair on the head is getting thicker. Head and body are now proportioned like a newborn. Hands are now fully formed and fingernails are growing. Can be seen on ultrasound scans grasping their other hand or feet, this is helping with nerve development. Eyelids are opening and closing, and will often make rapid eye movements - a sign they could be dreaming. You may be starting to experience some swelling of your ankles and legs. If you have not experienced any swelling yet, it is highly probable that you will, as approximately 40 to 75 percent of women experience mild swelling related to pregnancy. Your uterus is now about 4 inches (10cm) above your bellybutton. It may feel like you are running out of room as your uterus grows up under your ribs. However, your fetus, placenta and uterus will continue to get larger, you still have 10 weeks to go. The average weight gain during pregnancy is 25 to 35 pounds (11.5 to 16kg). About half of this weight is concentrated in the growth of the uterus, the placenta, the baby and in the volume of amniotic fluid. At this point, you should be gaining about a pound (500 grams) a week.

29 Weeks!

Well....halfway through 29 weeks and I'm posting. It's been busy! Mondays are my appointments, and then straight from my appointment, I go to my photography class, so I don't have time to post. Yesterday was a busy day running errands (I got 3 boxes of Puff's w/Lotion, a bottle of Febreeze and two bottles of Dawn dish detergent for $1.32!!!!! LOVE coupons!!!) and I am praying I'm just reacting to all the dust in the house from John finishing the basement versus getting a cold. I just didn't feel super yesterday. A little better today.

ANYWAY....

Luke is THREE pounds!!! He's moved from the 51st%tile to 52nd%tile to now 54th%tile!!! That's certainly not like his brother, who just went down in the percentile charts as he grew. Of course, I've said it before, he was a perfectly respectable and healthy weight (and CERTAINLY length!) at birth, and just a week before, had been measured in the 12th%tile, so I'm not banking too much on those numbers other than Luke's doing well and measuring ahead a bit makes me feel good about delivering at 38 weeks. Which is less than 9 weeks from now!!!! Dr. Sweeney said depending on how we're doing, we may look at 38 1/2 to make Drs. Polko and Shonekan feel a bit better, but honestly, as long as he keeps growing as he is, and breathing and such as he is, I like 38. We'll start seeing Dr. Sweeney every week now, and while I feel this may be a tad bit overkill, I'm not willing to give up the peace and assurance I get from knowing he's breathing, hiccuping, cord's not endangering him, surprises won't (hopefully) pop up and that he's doing ok. I think my favorite part of this last visit was Luke's eyes open!!!!!! John's was probably the focus on all his boy equipment (which looks fine, I guess!) but I loved knowing that he's in there checking stuff out. Sort of. He was VERY busy--to the point that Dr. Sweeney said we needed to get him out of some crazy inverted-U shape position he'd put himself in to see him better and I had to turn from side to side every 30 seconds for about 5 minutes. Luke does not like going side to side, so that was good to get him in better position! He was CRAZY busy, though, and I loved it!

I am playing the You Are My Sunshine plush for Luke every morning and every night. It's hard for me, but he seems to like it and I'm going to look for another one or two things I can play repetitively (he hears lots of talking and singing, but varied...I want two or three of the same little tunes) for him to see what he thinks of them after he's born.

I've picked up a few pounds, I guess--between 114 and 116 this week, so maybe about 14-16 total gain so far. No swelling yet, thank God, and I'm really keeping focused on the fluids in hopes that I don't swell this time. Rings still go over knuckles, so that's good! Sleeping is still hit and miss, though my allergies were bothering me the other night and I took a Zyrtec and slept STRAIGHT from 1:30 am to 5:55 am!!! That's the most sleep in one block I've gotten in probably a good 18 months!!!!!! I took one again last night, and no such luck, so maybe it's just that my body was so run-down. The third trimester fatigue is really setting in, so just taking sleep where I get it! I had no doubt I'd pass my glucose test (saw Dr. Polko last Thursday) but didn't think I'd still be anemic. Still. Even though I eat tons of iron-rich stuff AND take an iron supplement. She said add another one. I must grow vampires. Actually, anemia (and hard-core anemia at that) runs in my family...probably more genetic than anything.

The Marine Corps Ball is this weekend. Super fun. Super mandatory fun, that is. I'm wearing the dress I bought after Matthew died to wear to John's award ceremony because the front is REALLY floofy (which is why it was PERFECT for after a c-section and a good 25 extra pounds!) and I just do not want to look like a big Macy's Day Balloon again this year. I looked like a black velvet hot air balloon last year with Matthew (16 days from my due date and swollen like a tick!) and hope for no repeat this year!

I also cleaned out Matthew's nursery this weekend to get it ready for Luke. I wrote about it and haven't decided whether I'll post it. I want Luke to know where my head was, but frankly, don't need the judgement for my feelings, and I'm pretty sure I'll get it, even if it's never spoken aloud to me.

Then again, I've gotten pretty good about not caring. I've yet to come across "How to act/think/feel/behave/do/believe after your baby son shockingly dies" on Google, so unless anyone else has and can share with me, I'm pretty much over people feeling like they have 'the right' things for me to do and feel. I listen, I nod my head (or not), I bite my tongue and I wait until they are done.

And then I do and feel and believe what I want. I'm good with that.

Here are some pics of the Lukester:

Yes, Daddy...still a boy!

That's not a paci, but sure looks like one!

Starting to open eyes!

Little bit more open! (Affectionately known as The Stink Eye in our family!)

I SEE YOU!!!!!

Here's how he's developing:

Week Twenty Nine: Movement is more forceful

You are 29 weeks pregnant. (fetal age 27 weeks) Your baby now weighs about 2 and a half pounds (1150gm) and is about 15 inches (38.5cm) long from head to heel. Brain is busy developing billions of neurons. Baby's muscles and lungs are continuing to mature. The fetus can taste and respond to pain. The milk teeth have developed under the gums. The baby's head is growing bigger to accommodate the brain, which is busy developing billions of neurons. The eyes can move in their sockets. They may be able to follow a blinking light. As well as your baby's increasing sensitivity to changes in light, they may also be able to taste. Various studies show that your baby may indicate preferences or dislike for particular tastes at this stage. Baby is also moving from side to side, but probably still is head up. In the next few weeks, they will move to the head down birthing position. At times you may feel as if baby is performing somersaults for an olympic gold medal. Baby may be performing fewer movements because living conditions in the womb are becoming more cramped. The baby is still doing a lot of kicking and stretching. Some of your baby's kicks and punches may even take your breath away. Baby hears things better from the vibrations all around, and can now distinguish real sounds and voices. Do not forget to continue to 'teach' your baby in the womb by exposing them to music, literature, and simply talking to them. At this stage baby eyes are almost always blue and can distinguish bright sunlight or artificial light through the uterine wall. At week twenty nine, your baby measures about 11 inches (28 cm) from crown to rump, or a total length of about 15 inches (38cm) from head to heel, and weighs about 2.5 pounds (1150gm).