Friday, April 16, 2010

Why am I still up?

Well, the answer to that is because John isn't home and when he's not, it's hard for me to get to sleep.

It's been a busy week. I haven't had the time to sit and spend the time I have been checking up on the many, many people I have come to know and love and I hate that. I've missed remembrance days, hard days, praises and more. I hate that. So...tried to catch up some tonight and still behind...but it's late, I'm tired and will probably not get much done tomorrow at this rate.

Wait. It's tomorrow.

So, I have about 3 different posts I've been swirling in my head.

I want to do a follow-up to Nancy and David Guthrie's retreat.
I want to tell Beth Moore I love her.
I want to keep up with our cycle.
I want to write about Matthew.

Okay--that's 4. But, since I want to write, talk or think about Matthew all the time, I'm going to just go with that being a given every day.

For now, I will just update our cycle because I don't want to forget. I feel so remiss in my documentation compared to last year with Matthew's cycle. Already I am doing the very thing I have sworn to myself I will not do: I will not be any less joyous about a brother or sister we are blessed to have, and I'm already slacking in that because my heart just isn't all the way in this cycle.

It's hard! I'm going through it all because I am hopeful. John and I are hopeful. We are trying to maintain that hope.

But we miss our little boy. Last night, as we turned the lights out and were about to drift to sleep, I said, "Can you believe this is our life?"

And he very wistfully said, "No."

138 days later and we still just don't believe it.

So this new cycle is still a bit surreal even.

I had my first ultrasound for this cycle. They found 9 follicles with the lead being about 5 mm. My lining was 5.2mm. John and I were kind of bummed as we left because we thought this was being AGGRESSIVE and they saw fewer than last year.

My nurse called me with the results of my bloodwork (E2 62) and told me that things were fine. In fact, my E2 was a bit better than last year and this time last year, there were 10, they increased my medicine a bit and we'll go in Saturday (and unfortunately, we'll probably have to go in Sunday morning too) to check them--she thinks there may be a few more.
I felt a bit better after talking to her but all of this is just so hard. Going through all of this and not knowing whether it will work or not is so anxiety producing.

Have I mentioned that I need no more things that produce anxiety in my life?

But we press on. If you pray for us, and would like something specific to pray for, please lift us up and ask for our spirits to continue to be strengthened. In a NORMAL situation, an IVF cycle is so stressful.

When you throw in the fact that we wake up each day knowing we will spend the rest of our days on this earth without Matthew, well....

As I said...please pray for our spirits to remain strong.


  1. I'm up too, because my hubby isn't home this week either. {hug}

    I hope you know when I type "{hug}" I mean it with all my heart. It's my in-real-life way of expressing all on my heart that's too emotion-filled for simple words. It sometimes means, "I don't have the right words to say but I want you to know that I support and love you in the midst of this pain." It usually says, "I'm lifting you to the Lord and trusting Him to interceed for you even when I don't fully know how best to pray."

    Though I know I use the hug in nearly ever post to you, and often with few other words attached, please know this simple word represents what I wish I could do if we were face to face, simply sit with you, listen, grieve with you, hope with you, rejoice with you, pray with you, and yes, give you plenty of {{{hugs}}} as we remember Matthew together.

  2. ((((hugs))))

    and prayers too....

  3. You are always in my thoughts and prayers. Love ya xxx

  4. I'm hoping you find a moment of peace today. Thinking of you and sending you warm hugs. :)

  5. Lori--praying for you and John. I cannot imagine how you are going through all of this...and I'm with Jenni: {hugs}.

  6. I'm hoping with you, Lori. So much hope and love to you.

  7. Hard to have a restful mind when you have all of these things to think about, and alone. You wonder how you ever get to sleep, usually from swollen tired eyes most nights. Im trying meditation, but my mind wanders too. Sending hugs to you and up to the clouds also. Love, nan xxxooo