If you're looking for uplifting, it's not here today....

pes·si·mism: 1.the tendency to see, anticipate, or emphasize only bad or undesirable outcomes, results, conditions, problems, etc.

I admit it. I do see and anticipate the bad or undesirable outcomes. Maybe if I had seen or anticipated what happened to Matthew, I'd not have caved into what everyone was telling me and would have insisted on a c-section, trusting my own intuition for whatever reason, and today, he'd be alive.

I have a hard time NOT expecting the bad outcome. I'm one of those people that those things we all say "Why worry?" about ACTUALLY happen. Admit it. You know I'm telling the truth. It's not like John often says, "See, you worried for nothing!" because the fact is...that just doesn't happen much. It's more like me telling John, "See? I told you."

This is not how I WANT to live. This is not how I WANT to be. I fight it every day, to be honest. But the fact is that the realities of our life color how we look at things. This is one of the things that I pray about ALL the time. ALL THE TIME.

2.the doctrine that the existing world is the worst of all possible worlds, or that all things naturally tend to evil.

This world IS the worst of all possible worlds. It's fallen. It's sinful. It suffers. It sorrows. It's not the world in which we were meant to live.

3.the belief that the evil and pain in the world are not compensated for by goodness and happiness.

Agreed. To a degree. The evil and pain in this world are not always compensated for by goodness and happiness...in this world. I know people would like to think we've suffered our tragedy; we have our cross to bear. I'd like to think that too. But it's not necessarily the truth. There are many people who have MANY tragedies and bear MANY crosses and live LONG lives suffering. And while I am thankful that is not the way I have to spend Eternity, I am human and readily and honestly admit I do not look forward to spending this life, even if it is just a blink of an eye, continuing to deal with pain and evil. I will, because that's the way it is to be.
But I don't necessarily like it, and am struggling to count it as joy. Actually, I guess I'm just struggling.


re·al·ism: 1.interest in or concern for the actual or real, as distinguished from the abstract, speculative, etc.

The reality is that my precious baby boy died. For no good reason. Shockingly, tragically, whatever you want to call it...the end result is that I now mother a grave.

The actuality is that my life is changed forever. I have been given a life sentence. I'm doing my best to deal with it. But let's not forget that that is what it is: a life sentence--living each day without my sweet boy and how that is supposed to be.

2.the tendency to view or represent things as they really are.

They really are hard. They really are painful. They really are sad. They really are scary. They really are nerve-wracking. They really are disappointing. They really are just unlike anything I could ever imagine.

So...when Dr. Kiperzstock says things like, "Well, in hindsight, I would have liked to see what is happening now happen three days ago," or "In hindsight, maybe we could have upped your medicine a bit more," or, "I'm not ready to can this cycle....yet," or, "Even if this doesn't work, we've learned from it and that prepares us for next time," forgive me for not being optimistic (disposed to expect the most favorable outcome).

Essentially, as I've been telling EVERYONE....this cycle is going slowly. Too slowly. While I'm not a doctor, I'm not stupid and am a little familiar with what a 'perfect cycle' looks like. I've been asking and asking for a reason--I was worried.

I asked him about egg quality being compromised and he said, "Well, we always are concerned with that, especially since we know you have some problems anyway."

I heard, "Yes. Dang. Wish we'd upped your medicine a few days ago."

He said, "I'm not worried...yet."

I heard, "Well, I am but am waiting a bit to see what happens before I make you freak out anymore."

He said, "I'm not ready to can this cycle just yet."

I heard, "Why would I? Might as well go through and see what happens. If no embryos make it, well...we'll know better for next time."

He said, "Worry doesn't change anything."

I heard, "You worry too much. You act like you expect the worst to happen."

I do.

It does.

To a lot of people. Me included.

Call that realistic, call that pessimistic, call it whatever you want.

I call it my life.