Wednesday, April 21, 2010

If you're looking for uplifting, it's not here today....

pes·si·mism: 1.the tendency to see, anticipate, or emphasize only bad or undesirable outcomes, results, conditions, problems, etc.

I admit it. I do see and anticipate the bad or undesirable outcomes. Maybe if I had seen or anticipated what happened to Matthew, I'd not have caved into what everyone was telling me and would have insisted on a c-section, trusting my own intuition for whatever reason, and today, he'd be alive.

I have a hard time NOT expecting the bad outcome. I'm one of those people that those things we all say "Why worry?" about ACTUALLY happen. Admit it. You know I'm telling the truth. It's not like John often says, "See, you worried for nothing!" because the fact is...that just doesn't happen much. It's more like me telling John, "See? I told you."

This is not how I WANT to live. This is not how I WANT to be. I fight it every day, to be honest. But the fact is that the realities of our life color how we look at things. This is one of the things that I pray about ALL the time. ALL THE TIME.

2.the doctrine that the existing world is the worst of all possible worlds, or that all things naturally tend to evil.

This world IS the worst of all possible worlds. It's fallen. It's sinful. It suffers. It sorrows. It's not the world in which we were meant to live.

3.the belief that the evil and pain in the world are not compensated for by goodness and happiness.

Agreed. To a degree. The evil and pain in this world are not always compensated for by goodness and this world. I know people would like to think we've suffered our tragedy; we have our cross to bear. I'd like to think that too. But it's not necessarily the truth. There are many people who have MANY tragedies and bear MANY crosses and live LONG lives suffering. And while I am thankful that is not the way I have to spend Eternity, I am human and readily and honestly admit I do not look forward to spending this life, even if it is just a blink of an eye, continuing to deal with pain and evil. I will, because that's the way it is to be.
But I don't necessarily like it, and am struggling to count it as joy. Actually, I guess I'm just struggling.

re·al·ism: 1.interest in or concern for the actual or real, as distinguished from the abstract, speculative, etc.

The reality is that my precious baby boy died. For no good reason. Shockingly, tragically, whatever you want to call it...the end result is that I now mother a grave.

The actuality is that my life is changed forever. I have been given a life sentence. I'm doing my best to deal with it. But let's not forget that that is what it is: a life sentence--living each day without my sweet boy and how that is supposed to be.

2.the tendency to view or represent things as they really are.

They really are hard. They really are painful. They really are sad. They really are scary. They really are nerve-wracking. They really are disappointing. They really are just unlike anything I could ever imagine.

So...when Dr. Kiperzstock says things like, "Well, in hindsight, I would have liked to see what is happening now happen three days ago," or "In hindsight, maybe we could have upped your medicine a bit more," or, "I'm not ready to can this cycle....yet," or, "Even if this doesn't work, we've learned from it and that prepares us for next time," forgive me for not being
optimistic (disposed to expect the most favorable outcome).

Essentially, as I've been telling EVERYONE....this cycle is going slowly. Too slowly. While I'm not a doctor, I'm not stupid and am a little familiar with what a 'perfect cycle' looks like. I've been asking and asking for a reason--I was worried.

I asked him about egg quality being compromised and he said, "Well, we always are concerned with that, especially since we know you have some problems anyway."

I heard, "Yes. Dang. Wish we'd upped your medicine a few days ago."

He said, "I'm not worried...yet."

I heard, "Well, I am but am waiting a bit to see what happens before I make you freak out anymore."

He said, "I'm not ready to can this cycle just yet."

I heard, "Why would I? Might as well go through and see what happens. If no embryos make it, well...we'll know better for next time."

He said, "Worry doesn't change anything."

I heard, "You worry too much. You act like you expect the worst to happen."

I do.

It does.

To a lot of people. Me included.

Call that realistic, call that pessimistic, call it whatever you want.

I call it my life.


  1. HUGS............. and more hugs .... I wish I could say something to take your worry away.

  2. Oh sweet friend...I wish I could wrap you in a for real hug, but one through words will have to do. I am so sorry for what you are dealing with in this cycle...and I PRAY that things take a turn for the better.
    The way you describe's like you are writing about me personally! We do sound very similar.

    I found in our second IVF round I worried WAY more because I didnt' have that niave blissfulness not knowing what to expect. The second time I knew all too well what to expect. So I worried every step of the way. Because of the heart break of our first round and the loss of so many embies and then our was devastating to face that even the medical world can't promise a positive outcome. The second time around I felt like I was just going through the motions and hoping for the best but always expecting the worst.
    This time we got both...the best and the worst. And left with the fear of future FETs and knowing we are no where near done with heart break and disappointment and loss. The reality. The bitter reality.

    HOWEVER, I PRAY whole heartedly for you my dear!!! For whatever the outcome (however of course praying for a wonderful outcome!!!), I am praying for you!!!

    Hugs my friend!!!!
    Heather (heathershope - HP)

  3. ((((((((hugs))))))))

    stepping up the prayer campaign NOW!!!!!!!! calling all my prayer warriors...... STANDING BEFORE THE THRONE OF GRACE AND MERCY SCREAMING YOUR NAME NOW, NOW,NOW!!!!!

    sending you all my love, hugs, comforting thoughts.....

    "for I know the plans I have for you says the Lord..."

  4. Oh Lori, lots of love and prayers for peace for you.

    I'm with you, especially on the realism. I was so anxious with my second pregnancy because I knew my reality. I don't expect things to be different in the future, and it's so frustrating! I USED to be an optimist all the time. This has taken it from me.

    It's a good thing that hope is stronger than all of that stuff, huh? :)

  5. Praying now. Hoping that all the words of those who have gone through this can strengthen you. Love you.

  6. With all that you've been through, it's perfectly reasonable for you to worry or feel pessimistic. I used to believe that thinking positively would yield positive results. It's a great way to live, but I just don't believe that we have that much control over what happens to us. Today, I'm sending thoughts and prayers your way for you to just feel some peace. xo

  7. I don't know what to say...I'm sorry...sorry that Matthew died, sorry that you are having all these frustrations with your cycle, sorry that you are feeling so down today. I wish I could give you a hug, so instead here's some uplifting for you!! Sending hope and belief your way, and that tomorrow will bring you some optimism. :) HUGS!!

  8. I'm praying for you Lori! Oh how I wish I had words that can take the worry and pain away, but I don't. I send you lots of love and prayers.

  9. I am sending SO much LOVE your way!!! I really want to hug you through this computer screen at this very moment. xx

  10. I echo what everyone is saying...if you were here I would squeeze the living daylights out of you with a hug (if you knew anything about me and my issue with personal space you would know that that would be a huge step with me=). It just shows that I really do care about you and my heart really does go out to you.

    Praying for you, Lori (and John)!

  11. Can it be called a defense mechanism when it's how you're programmed to operate 24/7? I fully understand your reasoning and haven't been through nearly what you have. The philosophy of "The Secret" is nonsense, in my experience. The silver lining (if there is one) to this kind of mentality is that you probably appreciate the positives that do come your way even more.

    Per an earlier post, you are certainly deserving of, and overdue for, something wonderful - it's only "fair." I hope to soon read a post saying, "Today was a GOOD day - the best in months." Good will forever be a relative term to you, but everyone who's hurting needs a big burst of pure 100% happiness and hope on occasion, even it's fleeting. Living for those moments can help you make it through the bad stuff in between.

    Continued prayers (1) that you can keep the discouragement from overwhelming you, and (2) that the one thing that will truly help - a sibling for Matthew - is on the horizon very soon.

  12. It is only the body that dies and only the I-am-the-body illusion that makes death seem a tragedy. Your son did not pass away, he was absorbed to a better place. Please do not blame yourself for what happened, you're a very good mom.

    Take care, may god bless you.

  13. (((hugs))) (((hugs))) (((hugs)))

    I'm so sorry you are dealing with this right now and am hoping and praying you will get a better report soon! Hang in there, friend!!

  14. Hugs Lori, I am so sorry you have to feel any of this. Sorry I have been absent, needed my own little break. You are so sweet friend, be good to you and know we all love you xxxooo

  15. "Maybe if I had seen or anticipated what happened to Matthew, I'd not have caved into what everyone was telling me and would have insisted on a c-section, trusting my own intuition for whatever reason, and today, he'd be alive."

    Dear Lori, please don't blame yourself.

    Hugs to you.