Tuesday, April 6, 2010

Well, nuts....

So, went for my baseline ultrasound this am. For IVF, this is essentially where they check to make sure your body is not going crazy, is being obedient to the drugs that were given (if any) to suppress your ovaries, see how many possible follicles we may be working with and get the "Good to Go" for starting the drugs to make those follicles produce lots of fabulous eggs. (Only 11 follicles, though, so already starting on mediocre at best!)

Theoretically, I was to start those stimulating drugs Friday. (Ironically, I'd have to take them at our dead child retreat.)

My nurse called today and told me that my estrogen was high and my lining was too thick. Probably because I had such OPTIMAL conditions for the frozen transfer. So, she told me to continue taking birth control today, tomorrow, and Thursday and check on Friday.

Super. Friday is when we were planning to be in Nashville.

So, my sweet, sweet nurse tells me that she really thinks it's important to go to the retreat, so she told me to gulp one that minute, tomorrow am and go in Thursday am for a check and pray it will be better.

Best case scenario is that it is. And the cycle gets pushed back about 4 days.
Worst case scenario is that it isn't. And the cycle gets pushed back even further.

Which really messes up a lot of plans I had for May.


And yet...as aggravated as I am, I am more heartbroken for a couple of women I have *met* in the last four months...sadly, because they also have lost babies.

Well, in the last week, two of those women who have been blessed with subsequent pregnancies have miscarried.

Friends--unless you've been here, you can't even imagine what the thought of a brother or sister to your child means. What hope the mere thought of him or her inspires. Not to replace the baby who died, ever, but to have some joy again at the thought of mothering another miracle.
Maybe seeing in a brother or sister what you sadly only now see in a picture.

And when that hope is given, in the form of a subsequent positive pregnancy test...and then lost in hearing, "I'm sorry, there's no heartbeat,"....I can only imagine the utter devastation that comes with that and I just am so sorry.

For their privacy, because honestly, I don't know if they want all sorts of people going by and commenting, I'll not say names.

But please, please, please....lift these women in your prayers! Lift them to God and beg Him for some peace and comfort for them.
Lift mothers who are pregnant with subsequent pregnancies and are holding their breath for an entire 9 months because they are terrified the same thing (or something else tragic) may happen.
Lift women who are going through all sorts of hell on earth as they are thankful for the miracles of medicine and technology and yet, putting their poor bodies (and hearts and minds) through such rigorous treatments for the simple little dream of mothering a child who lives.
Lift those who suffer....for there is so much of it and my heart just hurts. I don't know what else to do but to ask for prayers and bring my own to God.


  1. I lift you up, Lori. I lift up those 2 women and the many more who have been through it (myself included). I lift us all up and pray that He carries us to where we need to be. Lots of love to you. I'm praying all goes well for Thursday. xxx

  2. I am praying for you and those 2 women! I hope everything goes the way you need it to for Thursday.


  3. If only our bodies cooperated with us. It is so hard going through a cycle and not knowing exactly how your body is going to react or know exact dates that things are going to happen. Thinking of you!!

  4. Lori,

    1 Peter 5:7 immediately comes to mind as I read your post.

    "Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you."

    I pray that your next RE visit shows that all is well....I can certainly understand the frusteration. I pray that you will be well sweet friend :)

    Also, I am lifting you up today and always and will lift up those Mothers who've just lost babies, as no one should ever have to endure this pain. I relate to them closely.

    More prayers for Thursday...


  5. Consider it done. Consider it ongoing. Consider it a future act of love and compassion.

    Your Matthew has made me a woman of prayer.

  6. Prayers for those who've had yet another heartbreak forced on them and hoping they have plenty of support. Too many valleys in their journeys. Also sorry that your plans and expectations may have to be changed / delayed...another dose of frustration and disappointment thanks to things beyond your control. Hoping this week and May can still work out how you'd like.

    But...how wonderful to hear about your nurse. You seem to have the most devoted medical team possible - they care just as much about the "whole Lori" as they do about her reproductive system :)

  7. prayers for everyone you mentioned.....

    special prayers for the retreat you are going on. may God meet you there and may His peace rest on your shoulders. (((hugs)))

  8. Lori,

    Thank you so much for sharing this news so that we can help them by praying and lifting them up - it must be so heartbreaking for you and yet you are thinking of others. I have chills right now - of sadness, not joy - thinking of your new friends who have lost.


  9. I am praying for you and for all the women out there who have lot their children. I'm hoping everything looks good on Thursday.

    My baseline u/s is tomorrow. I'm nervous!

  10. Lifting you up Lori , those two women and all of us here supporting one another. Sending you warm hugs and hopes that tomorrow if only for a moment something brings a smile to you.

  11. I'll be thinking of you and hoping these two days pass with everything happening in the best possible way for you. Hugs to you :)

  12. Praying for the two women and for you. I keep you and Matthew so close in my heart everyday. Lots of hugs and love.

  13. Hurting for you and for the other Mommies that are heavy on your heart. {{{hug}}}

  14. Praying for you and the 2 women who have lost their sweet babies. I am praying for great results at your next u/s, and for a time of healing and rest for you and DH at the retreat.

  15. Praying for those ladies and also for you that you'll get good news on Friday. I know the feelings you are having, about holding your breath for that brother or sister, for looking into a picture of a baby no longer there wondering if that next baby will look like them...wondering how you'll make it through 9 months without going insane from the worry. I am humbled that I was given the blessing of two subsequent babies after our twins loss, though my docs probably thought I would need a padded room by the time it was done. My prayer is that you get to experience that miracle again soon and you'll bring home that precious baby and fill your arms.

  16. There's a lot riding on pregnancies after loss. A new little life brings so much hope and it breaks my heart when I hear that mommies have also lost them too.

    I hope today goes well!

  17. Been praying for you and your retreat. I was able to see the video of the Guthries sharing to their church...made me cry. I have been praying that this will be a restful time that brings you closer to the Lord and your husband.

    I'm so sorry about these precious mommies and others that I have heard about lately. Thank you for reminding us to continue to lift each other up.