Monday, April 26, 2010

Well.

I really, really, really want to thank everyone who took a minute (or a few) to think about what I wrote and be thoughtful and compassionate in your comments. As I said, I really was just curious as to how people felt because these things have been weighing so heavily on my mind.

I'm glad to say that I was very encouraged by what my pastor had to say. (And not because I know he reads this!!!) and I got several emails and comments that showed encouragement as well. I read his comment; John read his comment and we both immediately agreed that we knew exactly why we go to church where we go.

What I guess I've feared in saying one belief is right and therefore one belief must be wrong is that as he said, there's a lot of tension between both theologies...like I said, there's strong scriptural support for each 'side' of belief. So, my fear has been that I do not like muddy waters (and not just because I am a germaphobe. Sort of.) in anything, CERTAINLY not in a faith that guides my life on a daily basis. I am not a fan of relativism, and never been too fond of "What's right for you is right for you and what's right for me is what's right for me," because I think that basically makes the necessity for the word truth null and void. Not to mention is sort of dishonorable to the Truth I DO know.

So when people, whether they are the most devout Christians I've ever met or the strongest maintainers of different or not-at-all beliefs, tell me with authority what IS and what ISN'T, I want facts. I don't want what makes me feel better if it's NOT the truth. Even if the truth hurts, that's what I want. I don't want "feel-good" scripture, although I think there is a lot of it. I just can't put a lot of trust in someone who uses the Bible to swear to me that I simply need to name it and claim it...because the Bible DOES allow for that but also says that just isn't always the case. I can't make peace with a theology that is what I 'want' to believe just because it's comforting. Such a slippery slope....

BUT...I also don't think that there's a person on this planet who can say with authority that God DID do this or didn't, that God DIDN'T want this to happen or did. And THAT is scripturally based--
For My thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways My ways, saith the Lord. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways higher than your ways, and My thoughts than your thoughts. (Isaiah 55:8-9)

None of us knows God's thoughts. None. We know of His character and we know of His love and we know of His Son and we know of what He wants of us and we know of what He offers us, but we do not and cannot and will not know His thoughts. On this earth. To be able to do so, is as Pastor Mark put it, to have God all figured out...or as Kristie put it, put God in a box that allows us to point fingers or carry around to comfort or simply to make peace with things. And, as she also reminded me of Job 40:8--when we presume we know what/why God did something and it was because He planned a sorrowful tragedy, we might be blaming HIM so we can justify ourselves. Again...so much of Job proves that we just don't know. And can't. And like Job, I'll back off trying to make sense of God and do my best to maintain my faith in Him...whatever the reasonings are.

So, actually, though I really appreciated each and every comment, the ones that resonated with me the most were the ones that said just that. We cannot know. And I was so honored and blessed with each comment because they truly ministered to my heart. My end take on it all is again, as Pastor Mark said....each comment was given in part...we all only know "In Part...THEN we shall know fully." (I Corinthians 13:12) I also very much agreed with Julie in that our children were given to us to glorify God. And for that, I will continue to try to do so.

So yesterday, when discussing THIS . VERY . TOPIC in Sunday School (Sorry, Bill...of ALL the days to be sitting right up there with you and the tears to not be able to stop, huh?!) I was SO comforted to be able to answer in reference to Paul talking of the trials they faced so we might not rely on ourselves but on God (II Corinthians 1:9) and whether or not that was God's design or the good that God works for all who love Him--the usage of suffering to draw us closer to Him--that we just don't know. Surely Paul got out of it that he suffered (tremendously, might I add) because God did it to bring Paul's reliance on God and not himself...and I can totally see that. I can also see that that could have been one of the many, many examples in the Bible that God is so amazingly able to use as He brings beauty of the ashes.

And the best part? As Holly said, it doesn't really matter because it doesn't make her love God any less. And such comfort in knowing that my mind seriously just can't know and therefore banging my head against every wall to KNOW is futile. And faith...blessed, sweet and full-of-hope faith is, as Andrea said, what I choose!

But....as my dear, sweet and faithful friend and I have been talking about, literally, on a weekly basis for the last 21 weeks, in times like this, the best thing to do is focus on what we can and DO know.

And I know this: God is. He is. If you, like me, are really wanting FACTS for that, I've got lots of books to share with you...I admit they are REALLY way over my head because they are science on the level of Stephen Hawking (who, by the way, said last night that if something happened, can't remember what, but if something happened, then we'd be able to see in the mind of God. Which I don't believe, BUT was interested to hear him say God. In a way that DIDN'T go with, "...doesn't exist.")....even John says the science that supports intelligent design makes him think, but that's such encouragement for me if these genius scientists continue to find more and more reason to believe He exists.

He is Love. Look at this world and the things created and tell me He's not. Look at the miracle He gave me and tell me He isn't.

Jesus Christ lived. Again, if you want archeological and historical facts for His life and death, then feel free to let me know and I'll be glad to share. I also wanted that.

History proves Him to be who He said He was.

And since He was who He said He was, He did what he said He did.

Which was to assure me of my place with my sweet Matthew one day.

So when so much else is incomprehensible and beyond reason, those things are enough.

I've had a post in my head for the last few days...for several weeks, through all this IVF stuff, I have heard a little Matthew in my head asking me, "Wasn't I enough? Didn't I make you a mother? Weren't you happy enough with me? Will you be happier with another? Will another be enough? What will be enough? Why won't you let me be enough?"

And then I realized I'd been hearing two voices for a while.
"Am I not enough? Didn't I make you a mother? Aren't you happy enough with Me? Will you be happier with another? Will another be enough? What will be enough? Why won't you let Me be enough?"

And I think we all know to whom the second voice belongs. I haven't actually written that post because I've been ashamed of my answer.

And still, I guess I am a little bit.

But this last post and all the comments led me to believe that there IS an enough. And His grace is sufficient. It has been so far, for 148 days, even though it didn't seem like it on each individual day. So I'll keep clinging to that. Maintaining my faith that we just don't and can't know all the answers, but I love that Missy shared someone telling her, "I don't know all the answers, but I know the One who does."


IN OTHER NEWS>>>>>>>Yes, there is some!!!!

I DID have the egg retrieval today. We got 16 eggs, which was surprising, but not so much considering I am now at risk of OHSS. My estrogen jumped from 1970 to 4241 overnight and essentially, I have a few other characteristics that make me high-risk for that, and I'm dreading it. It's not fun, had it before, and am really, really not looking forward to it because it's going to really sort of affect several things in the next few weeks. If I get pregnant from this cycle, it would only get worse...so, praying that it doesn't go there. My nurse said we may even get to a 5-day transfer because of how many we got, but we won't know much until tomorrow.

Whew. Off to the basement for a tornado warning. The weather report just said, "Lori, seriously...go downstairs now. For real." That Bob Ryan is so nice to me.

So, I'm going. Bob does know of what he speaks!

11 comments:

  1. Fabulous post! praying for positive news in the next few days/weeks and praying the tornado stayed away from you!!

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  2. Yay! 16 little eggies. That is just awesome. I will wait anxiously for your fertilization reports.

    Love,
    Kelly.

    p.s. I sent you a PM from Hannah's Prayer a few months back after our FET on 3/2 and yours on 3/4. We became PG but I later lost the baby on 4/3...We have one little embie left that we will transfer in August. kgwaiting is my hannah's screen name. So I've still been reading your blog and hurting with you but holding out so much hope for you!

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  3. p.s.s.

    I do love all your other thoughts and pondering too, just wanted to specifically comment on your retrieval. :)

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  4. Beautiful post, Lori. You are so eloquent and obviously so deeply loved by our Father.

    I'm so happy to hear about your little eggs! 16 is such a great number! I'm excited to hear updates about how the little ones are doing, but will be praying for you in the meantime. And praying against any OHSS!

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  5. Thank you for sharing Lori, I totally agree with you. It's funny b/c our sunday school lesson partially delt with that post also. Sending you Hugs and Love . Praying that you don't have any problems and your transfer goes extremely well.

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  6. I'm glad you received responses that were ultimately helpful. My attempted reply wouldn't come out how I wanted it to, so I scrapped it. But your post made me think...a lot.

    Regarding a "truth" I'm certain of, I think it's intimately linked to unconditional love. Four years of Catholic college and its required theology and philosophy courses haven't shaped my views nearly like becoming a parent has. "To love another person is to see the face of God," as the line goes...and no earthly love can come close to that of a parent's for their child, no matter if they're together or separated. I have this unconditional love for my children, as you have for Matthew - they, and it, are gifts from God. I get a glimpse of what the love He has for all of us must be like, and it brings me comfort and the confidence I seek in the absolutes of God's power. I'm not supposed to understand His intentions and methods further (and I accept that I won't know what the "master plan" is, nor how human fallibility and free will play into it, in this lifetime). This gift of love is fact...it exists in this world...and in spite of my overly-analytical nature, it is enough for me. He gave it to us for that reason - to be reassured when we are in doubt. If we love our own children with everything we possibly have, what does that say about what God must feel for us? Now...would my belief be the same if I was given something to love unconditionally and then couldn't have it anymore? I don't know...I'd like to say yes, but it wouldn't nearly be as simple. That's why I left the dialogue to others.

    I read with real interest what everyone wrote and appreciate so much insight - the honesty and depth from you and other posters is one reason I keep coming back to the blog. The mention of the "little Matthew voice" is the other. I was having a snack and had to put it down...couldn't swallow because I was so choked up. SO many people you'll never meet have come to care about, and even miss, your little boy along with you. My heart hurts for the call you received from the cemetery. On the one hand, relief that this difficult yet unavoidable milestone can be "checked off," for lack of a better term (though seeing it with your own eyes will be another story). But on the other hand, such fresh and renewed sorrow that it has to be this way - and the last thing you need while going through the IVF process. Strength to you and John. As always, many prayers that the coming days and weeks lead you to a place where you'll hear a similar "little voice" - from another beloved child, whom you're holding in your arms.

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  7. Lori,
    I just wanted to let you know that I am praying for you guys. I'm so happy to learn that you will be doing another transfer. I will be thinking happy positive thoughts for you. You guys are amazing. I have been reading all of your posts and can't believe your strength. Jade Beene

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  8. Wonderfully written. I love reading your posts. I'm slow in catching up on reading blogs but I'm praying for this cycle for you!

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