Firsts...

The questions are:
What were some of the 'firsts' that you encountered after your loss? How do you plan to, or how have you dealt with special anniversaries and holidays and the memory of your little one?

The first and most horrific thing I really and truly remember after Matthew died was being wheeled down from labor and delivery to leave the hospital. I had all my bags in my lap, I was crying...and my son was not with me. I literally could not believe what was going on. I was just in shock.

Getting into the car with his carseat still leaves me sobbing at the thought. I can't even write anything more than that about it.

We had to go to CVS from the hospital for some prescriptions. The first thing that struck me was how surreal it was...life seemed normal for everyone. So normal. I can't convey how shocking it was to me that the world moved when my son was dead.

When we got home, the first thing I saw when I got into the house was Matthew's Christmas stocking...hung by the chimney with care before we left two days earlier in anticipation of him coming home to it. That memory still stings so much.

Our first Christmas without Matthew, thank God, is a blur. I don't even really remember it. The house was full of family and dogs and hustle and bustle. I was still numb and in shock. I couldn't even tell you much about that day but that I DID laugh--my niece gave a heartfelt karaoke version of Taylor Swift's song, "You Belong With Me," and my hilarious nephew gave it some spice.

March 3, 6, and 19 of this year were hard for me. I was in the middle of little Yellow's FET, John was gone, I was a year older and had lost a child and those dates were so happy for me the year before because they were the dates the dream Matthew had always been became reality. Now, they make me ache--wanting that joy back so badly.

We haven't even hit Mother's Day or Father's Day or his birthday or day he died. At this point, I can't even imagine what we'll do or how we'll deal. I know we will not go to our church on Mother's Day because that would have been Matthew's Baby Dedication. Thank God I have a pastor who is compassionate enough to give the heads up for that day. For his birthday, part of me wants to do something big and grand--wonderful like I've seen so many other moms do. Another part of me thinks that I just don't even have the heart or energy to do so. And then I think, "What? What could I possibly do?" I'm just too broken right now to contemplate it.

I think that every day presents me with some new first, and honestly, the way I deal with them varies. Sometimes, something will make me just fall apart. Sometimes it makes me angry and forces me to bite my tongue so I don't say something I will regret later. Sometimes it makes me wistful but resigned. Sometimes, it even makes me smile a little. I cry right after, but for a second, I smile.

I think that whether it's a first, a second or a 100 gazillionth (and for John, who always asks, "How many zeroes are in that number," I don't know--a gazillion)....I think it will be the same. Nothing set, no protocol...just taking it as it comes and dealing with it the best way I can when it does.

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I think, for my own remembrance, it says something that as I was labeling this post, Matthew's first was a label that I have used lots of times before...and it makes me cry thinking that most of the Matthew's firsts before he was born were so, so happy and now I am writing a post about them after he's died.

My heart is heavy today.