Thursday, April 29, 2010

What. A. Day.


Five months ago, on this day, a piece of my heart left this earth. A piece of my heart that has years' worth of clothes and baby equipment and hopes and plans all over this house and embedded in my dreams. A miraculous piece of my heart is just gone.

As we drove to our appointment, Edwin McCain came on singing a song that I sang to Matthew all the time. Over ten years has passed since that song really became close to my heart...driving over the Escambia Bay every day, looking at the beautiful water sparkling like diamonds....knowing we were very close to beginning my dreams of being a mommy...I heard that song nearly every time I drove over that bridge, and really thought I could not ask for a single thing more in my life.

Singing to Matthew, over the last year, the words were so much more relevant...sooooo many years since I'd first heard that song and now, FINALLY, we were in the homestretch and honestly and truly I was so blessed. Every prayer had been answered and every dream had come true. I could not have asked for more.

Today, crying as I listened to that song, I was thankful to God that I have had two periods in my life where I could say those words. I know that some people NEVER can say that.

While I don't think I'll ever be able to say those words again...I'm grateful that I know what that feels like. It's amazing.

So, anyway...the procedure went well. At first, we were nervous because the doctor was having a hard time collaborating with the sono tech to get the catheter in the right place--which is REALLY important since those little embryos need to go in JUST the right place! She eventually took the catheter out and did it again, and it went just fine. I did acupuncture before and after, and while John calls it my voodoo treatments, I'm all about it. We had some minimal traffic on the way back, but otherwise...not too bad.

We stopped on our way back at Matthew's grave. I don't know if John even realizes today is 5 months (and T, thank you for remembering!) but I wanted to stop by, even if I'm supposed to be on bedrest. It was brief; brief enough to realize the marker was lovely, even if wrong. (Left the I off of I Samuel) Brief enough to realize that a little body I loved with my every essence was in a box beneath some green grass and that I still longed to hold it as much today as I did 5 months ago. Brief enough to get back in the car without worrying John more that I was up.

But long enough to remember that my world was still upside down.

Yeah. It takes my breath away too.

So...five months to the day after Matthew died, we are now praying for his brother or sister to implant and grow and be born and be loved and be held and raised. I know lots of people are praying for twins, and I know a lot of IVF-ers pray for that as well, but please know that while I absolutely pray for the long and healthy life of all my little embryos, twins SCARE me. I know what the infant mortality rate for a normal, healthy, SINGLE pregnancy is (and as per usual, fall right in those very low, low numbers)....I don't know how my heart would bear the tragedy that could come with twins.

I was encouraged today, by a dear girl who really just makes me smile every time I read anything she writes. She told me that God had placed on her heart FOR ME the following verse: "Her children rise up and call her blessed." Proverbs 31:28. She was sure to let me know that emphasis had been placed on childREN. She also said that whatever happened, God would sustain us. And she's right.

Although we are definitely putting the cart before the horse, as two Grade 1, 8-celled embryos don't guarantee a pregnancy, they are beautiful looking embryos, if I say so myself, and so we are hopeful.

I LOVED all the names. Loved them! I had so much fun getting each new comment and can't thank you enough for helping a stressful day be full of fun! I read them all to John as they came in. And you know what he off the cuff said? "Well, with four, it's like Eeny, Meeny, Miney and Moe....though I think Eeny and Meeny are smaller and still growing in the lab, so the two we transferred should be Miney and Moe."

And since John pretty much micromanages my pregnancy from the start, here's hoping this is the beginning of that micromanagement.

So, without further ado, please let me introduce you to Miney and Moe:
Aren't they sweet?

PS: Jade, I had no idea you read my blog (bless your bored heart!!!) but I want you to know that there were four eyes with tears in them this morning as we drove to our appointment and I read your comment. And it was just John and me in the car. I hope you read about the 'firsts' I remembered and how one of the most compassionate and loving things I've ever had done for me was because you have such a special heart. I PRAY that these little ones come visit you in about 37 weeks and I am not just the lady who brought the chocolate but her baby died...MUCH love to you and Deborah and Ruth and Margaret Ann and EVERY single person who took care of us that weekend. You are so dear to us.


  1. Those embryos are PERFECT. Just absolutely amazing. I will be praying for you, John, Miney, and Moe over the next few weeks.
    Love you Lori!!! xoxo

  2. Oh Lori -- That grave marker! My eyes are misting, so I can only imagine what yours must have been up to earlier today ... As for the photo, I am sending you and John hopes for twins and happiness and joy and peace ... And more ... but that probably covers it for now. Love to you, J

  3. Yes, what a day, girlie. I hope you are resting comfortably and that your ovaries arent overly huge. Ive been thinking of you all day. I am so happy you had a great transfer and just the fact that you got to transfer was so wonderful! :)

    The marker is just beautiful, so perfect. I have tears seeing it. Holding your beautiful angel near to my heart with you.

    Im praying for a healthy little precious earthly child for you to hold for the rest of your lives.

    Love, Nan xxx

  4. Those are the most beautiful little embryos I have ever seen! No offense to Matthew of course as he was a pretty adorable embryo himself.

    I love how you hope Lori and if you have to have eggs in a basket, it looks like you got good ones!

  5. Beautiful, they are just beautiful.... Keeping all 4 of you in my prayers!!

  6. What a day. You were on my mind all day. I hope Miney and Moe are all cozy in there and plan to stay put for awhile. Loving you and all your babies!

  7. All best wishes for Miney and Moe!

  8. These are the first picture of real living embryos I've ever seen. So beautiful!! Keeping all 4 of you in my prayers!!

  9. What a day! Matthew's marker is beautiful...and it makes my heart hurt so deeply for you.

    And Miney and beautiful they are, too! Praying that they stick and grow for 37 more weeks!

  10. I could pour over your blog for hours! Praying for you and the beautiful way God is scripting your family story! :)

  11. First, I just love Matthew's stone. So beautiful.
    Second...HUGE prayers for Miney & Moe and of course you & John.

    And on the does suck, just like losing one, only double. We have 6 yr old boy/girl twin neighbors (ours would be 8) and I almost cannot bear to watch them play. *sigh*

    Praying without ceasing...

  12. Oh Lori! I LOVE those embryos. Those, right there, are awesome little embryos. That grave marker, is heartbreakingly beautiful.