One step forward....

....two steps back, it seems.

As I said before, conditions were super for our frozen transfer. Way super. So super they still are. Sorta.

I went in at the crack of dawn today and my lining went from 6.8 to 5.7 (remember, they'd like 3 or so) and my estrogen level went from 97 to 86.5 (remember, they'd like about 30).

My nurse was off today, so the nurse who called me said that was ok still and I could start my medicines in 4 days. I asked her if that was a good idea since the numbers were still a bit elevated, and at this point, I'd rather take the BCP a few more days in hopes that it continued to lower. She said, "Well, two physicians reviewed this and think it will be fine."

First: She's not my nurse. She has no idea how heartbroken I already am and how "thinking" it will be fine is NOT reassuring. I THOUGHT I'd bring Matthew home.

Second: My doctor was out today too, meaning the two physicians who reviewed it don't know me either...and are not as invested as Dr. K. is, or are really, really concerned about making sure I go through NO MORE hell than I already have. Again, "thinking" it's going to be fine is not reassuring.

After she essentially said, "You have to trust us," I said, "Fine," and planned to start the stim drugs on Monday.

Then she called me back and said that since my last pill was last night, I could actually start on Sunday if I'd rather. She thought today was my last day (as stated, not really familiar with me) and that would mean Monday. I asked her i it was better to wait day in hopes that my levels may go down a bit ore still and she said, "Well, it's really up to you and what works best for your schedule."

What?

What happened to "Trust us?" Now I get, "Hey, how about YOU play doctor?"

So, long story short, I took the pill one more day and won't start until Monday and feel better about that and my levels having another day to go down.

I'm still going to call MY nurse tomorrow.

Now that I've just shared my frustrations about them, I have to say that I walked out of that building this morning with such a grateful heart. I walk in the door and Rhonda the receptionist KNOWS me. Tells me, "Good morning, Lori." They have TONS of patients, she knows me.

The tech who took my blood KNOWS me. KNOWS about Matthew. Consoles me. Talks to me about God. Hugs me after she takes my blood (without pain; she's amazing...don't even feel the needle go in!) and tells me it's all going to be ok.

The sono tech today, Hope, was amazing. Shared her personal story with me. Tells me she treats each person she scans like she was her sister. Looked at my pictures of Matthew and tells me he was beautiful and precious. Hugs me and tells me she is so hopeful for me.

That place is awesome. The people who take care of me are awesome. It's going to be ok.

We are in Blacksburg right now, and tomorrow will head out to our Respite Retreat. I will be without computer access for the weekend (yikes!) so I will have to catch up on blogs and share how it went on Monday.

For today, I am grateful for a beautiful day, people who care for me, opportunities to build my family, and God who holds me in His hands.