Thursday, April 8, 2010

One step forward....

....two steps back, it seems.

As I said before, conditions were super for our frozen transfer. Way super. So super they still are. Sorta.

I went in at the crack of dawn today and my lining went from 6.8 to 5.7 (remember, they'd like 3 or so) and my estrogen level went from 97 to 86.5 (remember, they'd like about 30).

My nurse was off today, so the nurse who called me said that was ok still and I could start my medicines in 4 days. I asked her if that was a good idea since the numbers were still a bit elevated, and at this point, I'd rather take the BCP a few more days in hopes that it continued to lower. She said, "Well, two physicians reviewed this and think it will be fine."

First: She's not my nurse. She has no idea how heartbroken I already am and how "thinking" it will be fine is NOT reassuring. I THOUGHT I'd bring Matthew home.

Second: My doctor was out today too, meaning the two physicians who reviewed it don't know me either...and are not as invested as Dr. K. is, or are really, really concerned about making sure I go through NO MORE hell than I already have. Again, "thinking" it's going to be fine is not reassuring.

After she essentially said, "You have to trust us," I said, "Fine," and planned to start the stim drugs on Monday.
Then she called me back and said that since my last pill was last night, I could actually start on Sunday if I'd rather. She thought today was my last day (as stated, not really familiar with me) and that would mean Monday. I asked her i it was better to wait day in hopes that my levels may go down a bit ore still and she said, "Well, it's really up to you and what works best for your schedule."


What happened to "Trust us?" Now I get, "Hey, how about YOU play doctor?"

So, long story short, I took the pill one more day and won't start until Monday and feel better about that and my levels having another day to go down.
I'm still going to call MY nurse tomorrow.

Now that I've just shared my frustrations about them, I have to say that I walked out of that building this morning with such a grateful heart. I walk in the door and Rhonda the receptionist KNOWS me. Tells me, "Good morning, Lori." They have TONS of patients, she knows me.

The tech who took my blood KNOWS me. KNOWS about Matthew. Consoles me. Talks to me about God. Hugs me after she takes my blood (without pain; she's amazing...don't even feel the needle go in!) and tells me it's all going to be ok.

The sono tech today, Hope, was amazing. Shared her personal story with me. Tells me she treats each person she scans like she was her sister. Looked at my pictures of Matthew and tells me he was beautiful and precious. Hugs me and tells me she is so hopeful for me.

That place is awesome. The people who take care of me are awesome. It's going to be ok.

We are in Blacksburg right now, and tomorrow will head out to our Respite Retreat. I will be without computer access for the weekend (yikes!) so I will have to catch up on blogs and share how it went on Monday.

For today, I am grateful for a beautiful day, people who care for me, opportunities to build my family, and God who holds me in His hands.


  1. Lori,

    First, enjoy your retreat in Nashville. I know it will be hard, but you will be surrounded by those who feel just as you do. You will take so much away from this experience and I applaud your efforts in going :) I will be thinking of you sweet friend.

    As for the clinic...its frusterating when you don't have confirmation from those you "completely" trust. I'm sure that nurse meant well, but she is NOT your nurse that you have history with and what a difference that makes. I also agree with you not enduring any more hell. I suppose what you have written is what scares me the most about my own situation. I know nothing about what I am facing and know nothing about the RE I will see...other than I'm told he is good at his craft.

    I'm so thankful that you are surrounded by love at that clinic, as that's beautiful. I loved the lab tech that drew blood at my old OB's office. She was wonderful and consoled me in my worst hours. Her take was that I would grieve and eventualy close this chapter and something beautiful would emerge. I'm still waiting on her predicion :)

    Much Love to you and be gentle with yourself. Travel Safely dear friend.


  2. I hope that you enjoy your retreat. It sounds like a nice opportunity to reflect as well as to connect with others who will really understand you. I hope you come home having many positive experiences.

    I'm hoping for the best as you prepare for the transfer. I felt uneasiness when you described your experience, and have felt that same frustration with the 'doctor/patient' relationship, albeit for completely different circumstances. I think you did the right thing.

    Wishing you an enjoyable weekend. :) Sending you hugs!

  3. I will be praying that your levels drop a little more Lori. I hope this cycle goes smoothly for you, and you get a ton of positive pregnancy tests in a few weeks.

    It is wonderful that they know you so well. The receptionist at Dominion always knew my name, and it really made me feel like they cared. It is nice to have people who care when you are going through the struggles of infertility and losing your son.

  4. Hope you get the reassurance you need from your nurse tomorrow - sorry you have this additional stress before going into such a highly charged experience.

    Best of luck as you and John enter a difficult but transformative weekend - many will be thinking of and praying for you! I hope it brings a little healing, new friends, and sources of support - and it'll surely add more names to the list of those who know and love Matthew.

  5. And that folks is why this nurse is such a freak about continuity of patient care!
    I hope you get the confirmation from your nurse tomorrow. My thoughts and prayers will be with you this weekend.

  6. I hope the retreat will be great for you two. And enjoy yourself a little while you're away, won't you?

  7. Trust your heart and trust in HIM. LOTS of love to you! We all missed you last night! xxx

  8. Lori,

    May you have an encouraging & refreshing retreat this weekend. I'm sorry the nurse you dealt with didn't really know you (or what she was doing for that matter!) Sounds like the rest of the office is top notch!


  9. wishing you all that God has for you on this retreat.... and praying, always praying :)

  10. praying for you!!! :-) hope everything works out for ya! Blacksburg? That's only about twenty minutes away from me!! Hope you have a great weekend at the retreat.

  11. Have a great time at the retreat! Can't wait to hear all about it.

  12. It makes such a difference to talk with people who we know and are comfortable with. People who know us and what we have been through make us more at ease. Hoping for this to be a great cycle and for your levels to come down. Thinking of you! xo

  13. First, I'm so sorry for your frustrating experience, but really glad you have a clnic who takes care of you and takes an interest in you as a PERSON! I have been really blessed with wonderful doctors and staff, so I know how important it is. I think I drive them all crazy because I'm so OCD about things, but they never act like it bothers them.

    Praying that God ministers to you at this retreat, and I can't wait to hear how it went! And a break from the net sounds awful, but I forced myself to stay off when we were in Maui, and I didn't regret it at all. In fact, it was very good for me. I hope you find that is true too!

  14. Wow! Don't you hate the "it you want to " or "it doesn't matter it's up to you" I mean geesh really! I wish that some people would understand that in our condition we don't need if you want to's and maybes and it doesn't matters. We need absolutes, "yes you need to start this" "No wait until" or even a simple "yes" or "no".

    But i am glad the team that normally takes care of you , treats you so wonderfully. I hope your weekend is wonderful as well. Sending you hugs and thinking of youl

  15. Hope the retreat goes well. It'll be nice when you can talk to your nurse and doctor who know you better.