Monday, February 16, 2009

Missing Emma Jane...

Okay...though a few of you who follow my saga (dear sweet ones that you are!) regularly know I am in the middle of IVF (and really, really, REALLY hoping it works!), I started this blog (a little over a year ago--February 9, 2008) as I was embarking on an adoption. For the record, still am on that trip, for what it is worth.

I went out yesterday with a good friend, who is pregnant with twin boys! We saw a cute movie, had a great meal, shopped a know, just a nice afternoon. Somewhere between the drugs I am on, the absolutely ADORABLE baby things out there, the fact that one of my favorite baby stores, Right Start, is in Chapter 11 and realizing that I honestly, truly and wholeheartedly believed that by this point in my life, I would have had a little baby girl from Kyrgyzstan (or heck, at least a referral for one!), I lost it. I cried. I stood right there in front of the sweet little Sleep Sheep (a great deal at 30% off since they are in bankruptcy) and saw an adorable little organic onesie that said, "You are my sunshine," (a special little song for me and John) and cried. I cried for Emma. I thought of the room full of things that I have for a little girl named Emma that I will never know. (Even if an adoption comes through, we've decided to change her name, remember?) A big reason I decided to change her name (if we ever have a 'her') was because for whatever reason, the name Molly Jane kept screaming out to us...and John liked it a lot better. But another reason, I think, if I am honest, is that I just felt that it was not going to happen for us. And in that, I didn't want to keep missing Emma because I didn't (and still sadly don't) think she was ever going to be part of our life. I'm not really sure of how to explain it, but when I decided on a Molly in our life, I basically was saying goodbye to Emma.

And so, yesterday, standing there, I was mourning her. I missed her. I remembered the several things John and I have picked up over the course of the year in hopes of sharing them with her. Mostly, I missed what could be...and in my mind, what SHOULD be. (Of course, in my mind, when I run the world, SO much will be different!) It was not fun, friends, not fun.

But worse, it made me think of the 60+, many of whom I have come to know and pray for, who have been grieving so much more for their they have truly met, bonded and are in love with living, breathing children just waiting to be brought home. I thought about how much my heart hurt missing the idea of Emma Jane, while others I know of have such a deeper sense of loss right that their children are STILL in limbo, and now it looks like they may be for at least ANOTHER month. If you are reading this, you probably read several others who are in this situation and know that JCICS is involved, UNICEF (don't get me started) is involved, the State Department is involved, shoot--Russia is practically involved! You know the situation is dire. I pray for your hearts to be led as God does to be active in what you feel can make a difference. I pray that the projects in play to impress upon those whose hearts need to be touched will be successful and fruitful. I pray that the hearts of those who are hurting so much as they miss their orphanage-bound children are given a calm that allows them to know all thinks work through God.

And I pray that the path we are on to build our family, though I may not be afforded understanding, is one that in the end, gives me peace.


  1. Lori, I see great things happening for you. You could have chosen to sit back and do nothing -- but you are putting yourself out there and trying. That's someone with guts! And, just because you don't have a referral yet, doesn't mean you are hurting any less. We are all in this together. Great things really do come to those who try! So, keep on trying and you will be successful!

  2. Lori~~ I cannot even imagine the pain your heart must feel right now. You have every right to mourn your sweet little girl! I pray that the IVF and the adoption all work out and that God will bless you with a quiver full of babies!!

  3. Lori,know my heart is full of prayers for you and that you will be blessed with your hearts desires soon! I hurt for you and for all of us in this difficult journey.Hugs!

  4. God it was hard to read this post because it took me back to so many places in our adoption journey where I sobbed. I remember sitting in a parking lot of a church in Georgia crying until I couldn't see on afternoon. I remember sobbing so many days in front of the computer. I remember not being able to go to a friend's baby shower because it just hurt too stinking bad. I sent Kevin (ha!) with my apologies and the truth -- I couldn't stand coming. Oh my eyes teared up reading this, my friend, because I have walked that path. BUT... because I have walked the path -- that winding, "I'm not sure where this is leading", "Will I ever get there?" path that you are on, you can see, that God is FAITHFUL. He does keep His promises. He has set a desire in your heart for a child and HE WILL PROVIDE. Psalms 37:4 carried me through many hard days, "Delight yourself in the ways of the Lord and He will give you the DESIRES OF YOUR HEART." I'm going to be honest and say, there were SO MANY times I doubted this adoption would ever happen. When we were faced with turning down our referral in country, I knew that was THE END for us. This was, we had agreed, our last shot. But look what God pulled out of His hat on that one? Don't give up hope, Lori. It is going to happen for you and you are going to rejoice and praise Him even more when it does. Love and hugs!!

  5. Lori,

    I think giving up the name Emma is so wise of you, it is a way of you letting go of what might have been, and embracing the new...what will be. Even if it turns out Kyrg does work for you and IVF does not, it will be as if you are starting from a new place and a new name will help with that.

    Your compassion and understanding for those waiting is refreshing. I won't say I hope IVF works this time, and I won't say that I hope adoption works either. Let's just agree that we hope God's plan is revealed more firmly and you can begin to see where it is all leading you wiht no doubts.

    Can you begin to imagine the amazing child who awaits you when this is all over????

  6. My sweet friend Lori,
    I found your post so honest and profound. You are a very strong woman and I admire you more than you will ever truly know. You help me to be a better person. Thank God we are friends.