Okay...though a few of you who follow my saga (dear sweet ones that you are!) regularly know I am in the middle of IVF (and really, really, REALLY hoping it works!), I started this blog (a little over a year ago--February 9, 2008) as I was embarking on an adoption. For the record, still am on that trip, for what it is worth.
I went out yesterday with a good friend, who is pregnant with twin boys! We saw a cute movie, had a great meal, shopped a little...you know, just a nice afternoon. Somewhere between the drugs I am on, the absolutely ADORABLE baby things out there, the fact that one of my favorite baby stores, Right Start, is in Chapter 11 and realizing that I honestly, truly and wholeheartedly believed that by this point in my life, I would have had a little baby girl from Kyrgyzstan (or heck, at least a referral for one!), I lost it. I cried. I stood right there in front of the sweet little Sleep Sheep (a great deal at 30% off since they are in bankruptcy) and saw an adorable little organic onesie that said, "You are my sunshine," (a special little song for me and John) and cried. I cried for Emma. I thought of the room full of things that I have for a little girl named Emma that I will never know. (Even if an adoption comes through, we've decided to change her name, remember?) A big reason I decided to change her name (if we ever have a 'her') was because for whatever reason, the name Molly Jane kept screaming out to us...and John liked it a lot better. But another reason, I think, if I am honest, is that I just felt that it was not going to happen for us. And in that, I didn't want to keep missing Emma because I didn't (and still sadly don't) think she was ever going to be part of our life. I'm not really sure of how to explain it, but when I decided on a Molly in our life, I basically was saying goodbye to Emma.
And so, yesterday, standing there, I was mourning her. I missed her. I remembered the several things John and I have picked up over the course of the year in hopes of sharing them with her. Mostly, I missed what could be...and in my mind, what SHOULD be. (Of course, in my mind, when I run the world, SO much will be different!) It was not fun, friends, not fun.
But worse, it made me think of the 60+, many of whom I have come to know and pray for, who have been grieving so much more for their children...as they have truly met, bonded and are in love with living, breathing children just waiting to be brought home. I thought about how much my heart hurt missing the idea of Emma Jane, while others I know of have such a deeper sense of loss right now...in that their children are STILL in limbo, and now it looks like they may be for at least ANOTHER month. If you are reading this, you probably read several others who are in this situation and know that JCICS is involved, UNICEF (don't get me started) is involved, the State Department is involved, shoot--Russia is practically involved! You know the situation is dire. I pray for your hearts to be led as God does to be active in what you feel can make a difference. I pray that the projects in play to impress upon those whose hearts need to be touched will be successful and fruitful. I pray that the hearts of those who are hurting so much as they miss their orphanage-bound children are given a calm that allows them to know all thinks work through God.
And I pray that the path we are on to build our family, though I may not be afforded understanding, is one that in the end, gives me peace.