Saturday, April 28, 2012

Un-Pregnant

Yeah.
So.

I know that a lot of people who read this know waaaaaaaay more about IVF than they ever wanted to, for whatever reasons, but in every IVF cycle, once the embryos have been transferred, there is the dreaded two week wait...waiting for two weeks until you take that all important blood test.  The beta!

Which is a measure of your HCG...anything over 5 is PREGNANT!  You usually take three tests...two days apart...to make sure the numbers are doubling.  If so, HOORAY! (And sometimes, even if not doubling, no big deal.)


Well, what do you think you get to do after you've gotten that fabulous blood test result (mine are always mega, mega high!), then lost the baby, then had a D&C?

Yep, you guessed it.  You get to go back for those blood draws to measure the HCG.

Only these times...you are looking for your levels to go down.

You are looking to see how UN-pregnant you are.

Let me just tell you, this just stinks.

My hcg two days after the D&C was 3869.  This was a huge initial drop, as two days before, it was probably well in the 30,000s.

A week later, it was 169.

Two days ago, it was 22.

My nurse said it's the fastest decline she's ever seen.  And a testament to how careful and thorough my doctor was when she did the procedure.

This doesn't surprise me.  That woman is an angel.  Literally.


If I was to take a pregnancy test, I still may test positive.  No, not hard to think about at all.

Actually, at this point, I probably wouldn't.  Which just hurts to think about too.

But necessary.  I need to test 5 or under (and will probably do so on Monday) because once I do, I will officially start the countdown to when I can do recurrent loss testing.

Not that I expect anything to come of it.  I don't.  Luke is perfect.  Matthew was perfect...it was the darned blood vessel that formed outside of his cord that WASN'T perfect.

My placental report came back and it was fine.  No infection, no abnormality...no nothing...

Oh, except that there was note of really good and thick endometrial lining and I could expect severe cramping and bleeding.  Apparently, that baby was hunkered in for the long haul.

Anyway, I don't (nor do any of my doctors) expect that anything will come with all of the testing to see if there's any reason I have more babies dead than alive.

BUT...it will give peace of mind for any future pregnancies.  Rule out as much as we can so I can breathe (ha ha, what a joke) a bit easier should we get pregnant again.

Which brings me to another piece of news.

We had two blastocysts frozen from this cycle.  They are the same exact grades as the two we transferred.  The two that both 'took' but we lost...but I'm focusing on that they implanted and grew, and I'm grateful for each second.

We are planning to transfer them in June.  June-ish, depending on a few things.

My HCG.  Another cycle.  When the testing can happen.  When/if we can transfer while waiting for results.  A few things like that.

Essentially, a lot just hangs in the balances while we wait for me to become un-pregnant.

I think it bears saying again.

This stinks.  And that's a total, total understatement.


Oh, and Luke's cool trick of late?  He was getting good at it before we lost the baby; now he's a pro and does it about 5 times a day.

He comes to me, lifts my shirt, pats my stomach and says, "Baby?  Baby?"

Yeah.  That totally stings.  Working toward being un-pregnant is a million, billion times harder than working to become pregnant.  Times a zillion.

14 comments:

  1. Ugh. My heart hurts that your heart hurts. My heart hurts that you have only one miracle living in your home instead of all of your miracles. My heart wishes it could punch reality and all the suckiness of life right in it's obnoxious mouth. I guess it's time to start praying for June to produce the opportunity for another great, successful cycle and transfer and for a baby to grow in your belly for a full 9.5 months and your arms for a lifetime.
    P.S- Luke is so sweet. He's an awesome Big Brother.

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  2. Those last few blood tests are such a punch in the gut. I couldn't even bring myself to go to the final test for two of my miscarriages because it was just so hard and no one really got that.Its like every time you see those numbers drop a little piece of your heart leaves you...I wish I could give you a big hug. We will be praying praying praying for you in the upcoming weeks.

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  3. I could have written a similar post since I'm currently doing the same thing. HCG levels need to be under 5 before proceeding with anything (testing, future FETs, you name it). It sucks so much, especially since the phlebotomists see the test and automatically assume that it's good news (not the other way around).

    Hang in there. This part is far from fun and I completely understand. May it be over soon.

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  4. Hugs!!'
    I remember with my first loss going to get my levels checked. It was gut wrenching. I'm going to start praying for those embryos now;)

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  5. {{{ Hugs }}} Keeping you in my prayers soooo much.

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  6. You are an AMAZING woman Lori. I love how you do not give up..... No Matter What. ;)

    Much love to you....

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  7. My heart is with you. I know how brutal it is to wait to hear that there is literally NOTHING left of the child/ren inside you.
    Stinks is an understatement, but it's true. It stinks!
    Praying your journey ahead is softer on your heart!

    And I know how painful the innocent comments from our boys are. The other night at Costco Evan took my face in his hands and said "mommy, I wish I had a baby too". Yeah...the knife cut deeeeeep. So innocent. So pure. And all I could say was "me too buddy, me too. You have to talk to Jesus about that one".

    It never gets easier.
    But my prayers and hugs are with you!!

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  9. I'm still praying for you. I thought of you last night after I had a dream about a pregnant woman I didn't know. You have been through so much, and are brave to keep on keeping on. Thanks for updating.

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  10. (((((((((xoxoxxoxoxoxoxoxoxox))))))))))

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  11. Just hugs, big big hugs xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

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  12. I remember my oldest godson asking me after I lost my first "DeeDee, do you have a baby in your belly?". Gut-wrenching! I'm so sorry and so sorry you have to wait for that hcg to fall. That was horrible both times to me!

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  13. Hi Lori,
    I just found your blog today and have been reading it in tears yet admiration about how you persevere. I too have been undergoing fertility treatments at shady grove (well iui not ivf) and on 4/20 was told I was pregnant. We have now found out we conceived twins but we have already lost one and things are not looking positive for the remaining one as my hcg is barely rising after starting out great. I go back in Friday to see if there is a yolk sac and fetal pool in the larger of the gestation sacs and if not....well we will have lost them both. I'm hoping against hope this isnt the case but that if it is my numbers drop quickly so we too can start again in June. Best of luck to you and your family.

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  14. I watched a dear friend wait and wait and wait ... she did finally have her beautiful baby boy a little over a year ago ... and what a blessing he is ... and she just let me know she is eight weeks pregnant. Wishing you the very best.

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