I was reading my good friend Fran's blog today, and as I so often do when reading what she writes, I found myself very much nodding in agreement. If you've not read it, you should. Go here.
Anyway, many friends have been checking in on me because they are concerned that I've been having a rough time lately.
I have. Between being sick for what seems like this entire pregnancy, taking care of a sick Luke for what seems like this entire pregnancy, and having lots of Matthew triggers, I really have.
As I've said, this pregnancy is very much like Matthew's, so that brings things up for me. I've also been saddened by several moms I 'know' (or know of) who have come home to empty nurseries, and I remember that so vividly. My heart hurts for them, but the PTSD flashbacks trigger me.
I've been invited to speak at a few different things, and that's put me in super-search mode to say just the right thing. Rather, just what God wants to me to say. Every time I rehearse something, I am taken right back there.
I'm excited and honored to be a contributing writer for the sure-to-be amazing Still Standing Magazine launching in May. Writing for that and a few other projects also brings emotions to surface, and I want to be sure I write just the right thing...which is hard when there are a million and three things running through my head.
I'm sure pregnancy hormones don't help any of the roller coaster emotions, right?
All that aside, though, it's very important to be clear that I am ok.
Better than ok.
I have a wonderful husband and am mother to precious sons and am privileged to spend every single minute with one of them. I have another miracle on the way and we have some of the most amazing friends and family people could really ask for. I spend my days doing things I only dreamed of for 10 years and honestly and truly am happy.
Someone left a very sweet comment that said she wasn't sure how I managed to protect Luke from all the grief I hide in my heart and that made me stop and think about it for a second.
First, like Fran said, I do not in any way, shape or form feel I am a victim. I admit that after Matthew died, God and I were working out why I even bothered to keep praying because I felt like He was just going to do what He wanted to do anyway...and doing my Beth Moore study this week totally addressed that! (Isn't that just SO they way it works?!)
I got over that fairly quickly, though...well, somewhat quickly, I guess, because my precious friend Nanci reminded me that I prayed because God told me to and because I couldn't expect a relationship or any healing from someone I didn't even talk to. She was very, very right.
And I don't, for one single second, believe that God purposely planned to break my heart.
My heart was broken, no doubt, but not because God made me His victim.
More, every single day is such a blessing to me. I simply do not have the words to express how happy I am with my life. It stings a bit to say that because it doesn't seem natural to be happy when you mother a grave, but I would just be doing such a disservice to my other son if I wasn't honest about how much joy he brings to our lives. To my heart. His little giggles are like magic glue that just seals every crack in my heart closed. I do not even have to come close to trying to hide any grief from him because my body goes into automatic glee in overdrive proportions when I just look at him.
Again, I say, I am so blessed.
He's 15 months today. I do not know how 15 months have passed, but I can say that I am so grateful for every single day with that amazing little boy. He has 3.5 of his molars in, bringing the grand total for teeth up to 9.5. He is now signing, "More, please," though "More" and "Please" are pretty much interchangeable for "I want" whatever. He knows where many of his body parts are, and ours too, and he likes to regale us with all his little party tricks. He loves playing outside and we've set a ton of stuff up in the backyard for him to just go crazy. He has tons of words, though his favorites are still mama, daddy, doggy, bath, ball, Dixie, and lately, cracker! The boy LOVES yogurt and crackers! He's still a 'selective' eater, but I can get him to eat just about anything with yogurt or blueberry syrup, so yes...I'm making syrups because at least when I make it, it's just organic fruit and some boiled down sugar. No preservatives or high fructose corn syrup, and I'm praying this selective eating is just a phase.
We visited the Easter Bunny today. I didn't think he'd have anything to do with it, but he had just had a good nap and some pretzels (loves his breads!) and when we walked by, he started giggling insanely at the bunny. He's all about stuffed animals these days, so maybe he thought the bunny was a big cuddly stuffed animal. When in the bunny's lap, he was less happy, but a few silly faces and voila! We were able to get a picture with a little bit of a smile.
That boy of mine. I adore him. Simply and with my entire heart...I adore him!