Wednesday, April 4, 2012

I was reading my good friend Fran's blog today, and as I so often do when reading what she writes, I found myself very much nodding in agreement.  If you've not read it, you should.  Go here.

Anyway, many friends have been checking in on me because they are concerned that I've been having a rough time lately.

I have.  Between being sick for what seems like this entire pregnancy, taking care of a sick Luke for what seems like this entire pregnancy, and having lots of Matthew triggers, I really have.

As I've said, this pregnancy is very much like Matthew's, so that brings things up for me.  I've also been saddened by several moms I 'know' (or know of) who have come home to empty nurseries, and I remember that so vividly.  My heart hurts for them, but the PTSD flashbacks trigger me.

I've been invited to speak at a few different things, and that's put me in super-search mode to say just the right thing.  Rather, just what God wants to me to say.  Every time I rehearse something, I am taken right back there.

I'm excited and honored to be a contributing writer for the sure-to-be amazing Still Standing Magazine launching in May.  Writing for that and a few other projects also brings emotions to surface, and I want to be sure I write just the right thing...which is hard when there are a million and three things running through my head.

I'm sure pregnancy hormones don't help any of the roller coaster emotions, right?

All that aside, though, it's very important to be clear that I am ok.

Better than ok.

I'm great. 

I have a wonderful husband and am mother to precious sons and am privileged to spend every single minute with one of them.  I have another miracle on the way and we have some of the most amazing friends and family people could really ask for.  I spend my days doing things I only dreamed of for 10 years and honestly and truly am happy.

Someone left a very sweet comment that said she wasn't sure how I managed to protect Luke from all the grief I hide in my heart and that made me stop and think about it for a second.

First, like Fran said, I do not in any way, shape or form feel I am a victim.  I admit that after Matthew died, God and I were working out why I even bothered to keep praying because I felt like He was just going to do what  He wanted to do anyway...and doing my Beth Moore study this week totally addressed that!  (Isn't that just SO they way it works?!)

I got over that fairly quickly, though...well, somewhat quickly, I guess, because my precious friend Nanci reminded me that I prayed because God told me to and because I couldn't expect a relationship or any healing from someone I didn't even talk to.  She was very, very right.

And I don't, for one single second, believe that God purposely planned to break my heart.

My heart was broken, no doubt, but not because God made me His victim.

More, every single day is such a blessing to me.  I simply do not have the words to express how happy I am with my life.  It stings a bit to say that because it doesn't seem natural to be happy when you mother a grave, but I would just be doing such a disservice to my other son if I wasn't honest about how much joy he brings to our lives.  To my heart.  His little giggles are like magic glue that just seals every crack in my heart closed.  I do not even have to come close to trying to hide any grief from him because my body goes into automatic glee in overdrive proportions when I just look at him.

Again, I say, I am so blessed.

He's 15 months today.  I do not know how 15 months have passed, but I can say that I am so grateful for every single day with that amazing little boy.  He has 3.5 of his molars in, bringing the grand total for teeth up to 9.5.  He is now signing, "More, please," though "More" and "Please" are pretty much interchangeable for "I want" whatever.  He knows where many of his body parts are, and ours too, and he likes to regale us with all his little party tricks.  He loves playing outside and we've set a ton of stuff up in the backyard for him to just go crazy.  He has tons of words, though his favorites are still mama, daddy, doggy, bath, ball, Dixie, and lately, cracker!  The boy LOVES yogurt and crackers!  He's still a 'selective' eater, but I can get him to eat just about anything with yogurt or blueberry syrup, so yes...I'm making syrups because at least when I make it, it's just organic fruit and some boiled down sugar.  No preservatives or high fructose corn syrup, and I'm praying this selective eating is just a phase.

We visited the Easter Bunny today.  I didn't think he'd have anything to do with it, but he had just had a good nap and some pretzels (loves his breads!) and when we walked by, he started giggling insanely at the bunny.  He's all about stuffed animals these days, so maybe he thought the bunny was a big cuddly stuffed animal.  When in the bunny's lap, he was less happy, but a few silly faces and voila!  We were able to get a picture with a little bit of a smile.



That boy of mine.  I adore him.  Simply and with my entire heart...I adore him!

11 comments:

  1. LOVE his Easter pic Lori! I will be taking Sadie this weekend or end of this week...I am doubtful she will agree to this lol. I may just have to sit with her upon Easter Bunny's lap to get a decent pic ;)

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  2. I have thought of you so many times these past few days... I knew there's no way you could miss the posts on FB, and I hated knowing what a bitter reminder they were for you (there are posts on HP too, but not sure if you still log on there).

    I feel like I've learned a lot from reading your posts on this blog. I like to think I know better what to say and what to leave unsaid because of you, yet at the same time I feel so inadequate when I want to give my condolences. My heart hurts SO MUCH for anyone who has had to bury a child. It's unfathomable and makes no sense. Which is why it's so hard to come up with... words.

    Anyway, I'm rambling... :) Just know you're loved and still prayed for. We know your heart isn't healed. How could it ever be? I'm thankful you have a balm for your broken heart in Luke. <3

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  3. Love that cute boy with the bunny!!! He is amazing and healing and joy-bringing. So strange to live with such conflicting emotions, but I know that while the grief lingers, JOY exudes from you! I loved Fran's post, so spot on!

    Praying y'all are all feeling better asap!!!!! Hugs!

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  4. what a wonderful post and he is just precious... i never really considered he is so close in age to our gal, but she, too, just turned 15 months. while she has been with us only 3 months, i too have enjoyed EVERY.SINGLE.DAY with her, and know what a gift she and our son are... i am so glad you are OK and hope you know how remarkable you are!!! good luck little Luke with that last molar coming thru, as least a few months reprieve until the next set come in...poor babies...

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  5. Lori, I just wanted you to know I was thinking of you. I have been for a while, (i mean ya'll Christmas photo is still on our fridge!) Although I'm working temporarily and don't get to stop by as often, I treasure your posts. I can tell how therapeutic it is.

    I wanted you tell you something, something I know you already know because it's a message you have shared with me many times ...in time, in the right time, in His time, this struggle, too, will become it's own season, with it's own great big purpose and rewards. In time it will make sense.

    I know that doesn't exactly ease it up in the moment, but He has tied it all together so many times before, don't worry, those bits of unraveling threads are just for the weaving together with something else. Love you friend!

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  6. Lori, You are just so beautiful inside and out. These children are so blessed to have you as their mommy!

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  7. Great blog and beautiful family, i love your positivity. Many blessings.

    -David
    WorldofDiamic

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  8. Oh Lori. There's so much I can say here. Reading your posts about Luke seriously makes me want to cry. He is just so stinkin' adorable. I love how you said he's like magic glue!!! *Tears* that's how I feel about Bubby. goodness, and these boys have no idea how particularly special they are.

    Thank you for sharing this, I have to say I needed to read this:

    "I prayed because ... I couldn't expect a relationship or any healing from someone I didn't even talk to..."

    Love that.

    Big love to you friend, and so honored to have YOU a part of SS.

    xoxo

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  9. I'll tell you what I was told by a couple of pastor friends the first time I wrote the sermon (or, in Methodist terms, "brought the message") at my church. Yes, search for how to say what you want to, God expects us to put the work in. But remember that WE don't have to make it perfect. God does that, either by giving us the words He wants us to use as we work or by touching the hearts of our listeners in such a way that the words we use become exactly what they need to hear. So far, it's worked.

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