I just got the phone call.
John just told me he was gone. Told me he was sorry. Begged me not to leave him.
I just sat in the chair and stared for 3 hours while I waited for him to come back from Georgetown.
People just started to tell me they were so sorry...they didn't understand...they'd do whatever they could for us.
I just got wheeled down to the lobby...not holding my baby. Instead, holding my bags...and a box with a couple of things his little body touched.
People were just looking at me...knowing something terrible must have happened to the catatonic-looking woman.
John just helped me into the car.
The empty car seat took up the whole back seat.
Adam and Charlotte came and held us and cried.
We had to go to CVS and get medicine.
We sat and waited for the prescriptions. I was thirsty and opened a Sprite.
NO ONE KNEW. The world kept going and NO ONE THERE KNEW MY SON WAS GONE.
It is impossible to me that my life was so, so drastically broken and shattered...but it was business as usual at the local CVS.
It's been over two years.
Some days, it feels less than twenty seconds ago. My heart aches for him and I can hear and smell and remember every single thing from those days.
And then seconds later, I can't remember anything. It's fuzzy. It's blurry.
It hurts and I don't even want to think about it because I can't stop crying.
I'm still pulling out clothes bought for Matthew to let Luke wear. 18-24 months/2 T is the last tub. Some days, I can't even take them out of the drawers. I remember every place every item was bought. Every happy and excited emotion that was behind the purchases I desperately waited 10 years to finally be making.
Some days, those emotions mock me. Sting. Shoot daggers right at my heart and scream, "One more thing he'll never see. Never wear. He's never coming back."
I know he's not.
Some days, though, it seems like that sears my skin more than others.
Praying for comfort for you.
ReplyDeleteSaying some prayers for you, may God give you peace and comfort. <3
ReplyDeleteYes. Yes. I'm crying. It's just ten minutes ago.
ReplyDeleteJust 10min ago is so true even after 17yrs of not having him here. I look at my 16yr old and the bond that him and I have and some-days I just sit and stare at him, he ask me what am I thinking and I just reply " I'm just wondering how different things would have been" 17yrs he was here long enough to smile and coo for the first time and then that night he was gone. I still sometime look around me and see the world moving and think do they even know I lost my baby, that there is apart of my heart that is missing. Some days I wonder if people really knew the hurt that my heart still can't put into words and why my 3yr old still sleeps and cuddles with me. 17yrs but some days it was just 10min ago and I try to keep myself busy on those days for fear that I too will never stop crying.
ReplyDeleteI love you Lori and you are forever in my heart and prayers.
Nia
Yes. Some days are just like a race Car driving full impact into a wall. But it just plays over and over again. The pain is so too much to fathom. Hoping the nicer, gentler day come around sooner than later.
ReplyDeleteHi Lori - I'm new to your blog, thank you for commenting on mine a few weeks ago.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry to learn of the loss of your son Matthew, and I agree with your post of how people talk about how there's a "reason" and that God "needed" them. I cringe when people try to explain these gut wrenching losses away so casually, as if they can be explained.
I'm looking forward to following your journey and wishing you comfort and peace and you remember Matthew. xoxo
Hugs sweet Lori. I feel the same way. I am having a tough time tonight I just feel so sad I just keep crying and crying.
ReplyDeleteHugs and love Lori...
ReplyDeleteI will never forget that morning. I am so glad that we got to love on you and be there with you, it was a very raw and real moment. I feel honored that we could love on you in such a small way. We ached for you so much and wished we could do so much more than just hug you. Love you so much and miss you guys.
ReplyDeleteI know some days for me it seems like it all just happened , some days I wanta just scream.
ReplyDelete{{{ Hugs }}} Always thinking of you so much. Saying many prayers
Yes...that's exactly how it is. Even after 15 years...sometimes, it's 10 minutes ago.
ReplyDeleteHave been reading your blog for quite a while now. I have not lost a child, so dont know how it feels, but just want to say I think you are incredibly strong, and courageous to continue on the way you do when you hold so much grief in your heart. How you manage to protect your beautiful Luke from that I will never know.
ReplyDeleteKia Kaha (stay strong)
Amelia