Tuesday, April 10, 2012

Doesn't Feel Real...

I am definitely showing, especially because on a tiny woman, 3 months is pretty evident.

But the baby's gone.

I just pulled out all my maternity clothes because I just couldn't push my regular clothes any more.

But there's no heartbeat. We just saw it wiggling all over the screen two weeks ago. Yesterday, it was curled up in a little ball looking out.

We looked at cribs this weekend.

But I'm going to the hospital today and when I walk out, will not have the baby I walked in with safely tucked inside of me. Same hospital where I've already done that before... With Matthew.

I heard the heartbeat just a few days ago.

Now all my medical bills and paperwork will credit abortion to me. Such an ugly term. Then again, it's an ugly procedure.

I was sort of secretly hoping it would work out that this baby would be born in Maryland like his brothers.

Well, like one of its brothers, I am forced to leave the remains behind in St. Mary's county.

I have been feeling little kicks. I thought it was early, but I've lost some weight so thought it was possible. I still feel those little jabs. Cruelty. I felt phantom kicks after Matthew for nearly 6 months. I'm doing my best to take my lot, but FINALLY looking and feeling pretty pregnant only to find out that the baby is dead just seems cruel.

This does not feel real. John agrees. I just keep asking John, "Are you sure???? Was Dr. Sweeney sure???? Maybe it was just sleeping and we didn't look for it to move long enough????!"

Desperation, I realize, as John tells me again and again, "No, Lori. It's sure. Sleeping babies still have heartbeats."

"But maybe we just didn't look long enough for it??? Maybe since it was curled up, we couldn't see it????"

Dear God, please??????

There is no easy time to lose a baby. I've lost a baby fully-termed the day after he was born. Devastation doesn't do the emotion justice.

This baby had perfectly formed body parts. Little hands I dreamed of caressing. Little toes I dreamed of kissing. A heart beating. The same heart I dreamed would walk across a stage and collect a diploma. This was my third baby. Not some underdeveloped tissue. Not some organism not compatible with life.

My baby.
Another miracle.
Another blessing.

I refuse to use the word fair because there is no doubt that this world is UNFAIR!!!! But, that I have more babies in Heaven than in my arms is so unnatural.
So surreal.
So heavy.

I've said that losing Matthew has proven that I can survive just about anything. I've even been praying that if again, something awful were to happen, I'd be able to maintain my gratitude and appreciation for a good God who has given me so many precious blessings and so much happiness. Just three or four days ago, in my closet, on my knees, I cried to God, thanking Him for such an amazing, wonderful, joyous and happy life I live. Begging Him to not have me endure anything more, but telling Him that if I had to, I could trust that I'd survive and be ok and be happy again.

I promised that with Matthew too.

I can't lie. I don't know that I will be voicing those words any more.

I mean them.

I will do my best to adhere to them.

I look at Luke and know that God MUST be good to give me such a precious gift.

It just seems like every time I say the words, I'm given the opportunity to prove them.

This just doesn't seem real.
Sadly, though, I know that it is.

Real and permanent.
No negotiating.
No begging.

No more baby.


  1. I read this and weep with you. sending love and strength. remembering your two babies always.

  2. ((HUGS))

    I'm so sorry, Lori. This is completely unfair. I remember when I was pregnant with Kate and we lost her twin thinking "wow, I have more babies in heaven now than in my arms". I remember going in for my D&C during my first pregnancy and being so ANGRY about the term "missed abortion" and the idea that I was having the same proceedure as someone who would willingly terminate their pregnancy. It made me feel ill.

    Be kind to yourself. I have so much anxiety over pregnancy and know it is because of how fragile I know everything is. But you cannot pick apart terminology and apply it to yourself in a vindictive way. You are in NO WAY SHAPE OR FORM having an abortion today. Screw the insurance paperwork. Seriously. It isn't important. What is important is shielding yourself from unneccesary blame and harm from your own worst critic - yourself.

    I love you. I hope that your proceedure goes smoothly and that your physical recovery is seamless. I know how hard it is to emotionally pick up the pieces :(. I will be praying for you. xoxo

  3. My heart is broken for you both! I feel that pain and know how real it is, how cruel, and seemingly unnecessary! Sending all my love to you today! And know its ok to be mad ok to be sad ok to lash out, our God is big enough! But we don't ever get the why!!!

  4. Oh Lori!! my heart was breaking and I was crying as I read this. It is sooo true that there is no good time to lose a baby. As soon as we get that positive test, we start making dreams for that little being!! I am soooo sorry. I will keep you all in my prayers.

  5. Lori, It is Allison....I wrote you about our James study and how did you have such strong faith when we both had lost babies...I had lost Julia's twin after birth at three weeks. I came back to your blog today for only the second time ever - again a total fluke to share your and my feeling about that day of the James study with my group leader only to see that today is an amazingly sad day. Maybe again i was meant to connect with you. I too lost two children during pregnancy before the twins were born. I too had to have an "abortion". The term used made me want to scream as loud as I could! I wanted to simply be given an answer as to why my pregnancy didn't continue. But sadly I got no answers. None of this is your fault. I am so so sorry. I don't know why this happens. I struggle with my faith and have found strength in your faith and how positive you have been during such difficult times. Please allow yourself to feel whatever you need to feel and act and do whatever it is that you need to do to get from day to day. Thinking of you and sending you strength. I know the blur you must be in right now. Again, I am so sorry.

  6. I am really and truly sorry. I know the intensity of the pain, the thinking you had paid your dues to society regarding pain and God would protect you from anymore only to have the rug pulled from under you. My second miscarriage after ou Matthew also resulted in a D&C at about 13 weeks. Please be sure to take it easy after, I didn't and lost massive amounts of blood after and was hospitalized for it. Drink plenty if fluids, allow yourself to be loved on, allow yourself to feel angry, bitter and illogical. Just know many people care for and about you in both this life and the next.

  7. Oh sweet friend, how I love you, and how I ache for you and John! My mind is still spinning.

    It is a harsh feeling knowing more children live in heaven than on earth. I often say to Brett "it's hard to swallow that 4 of our 5 children are in heaven".

    I thought after I miscarried our first twins that I would never be able to smile or pick myself up again. And the day of my D&C...seeing "missed abortion"...I thought it was a type-o. I wasn't there for an abortion! I WANTED our babies more than anything. And then the nurse as she wheeled me to the OR saying "it's okay, you can try again". REALLY??? Can I!? I wanted to scream at her and tell her what all we had gone through to get these babies, and how many YEARS AND YEARS it took.

    Then after Zac passed away...I realised a very solid fact...no matter the stage of loss, pain is pain. And a parent's heart breaks. Our babies are our babies.
    Loved, wanted, cherished, adored...and not in our arms.

    I am praying for you. For strength, for comfort, for love, for support. I am praying for you as you continue to mother sweet precious Luke while you ache missing Matthew and Dash. I pray for your recovery from this D&C, and pray that physically you will experience no issues.

    God is big enough. Yell at Him the questions and sorrows you feel...He will take it.
    I will never understand the pains of this earth...
    But His love is a love that will never leave us, no matter what.

    We are all praying for you my friend. We will never stop.
    My heart is with you!

    Kisses to all our heavenly angels, and asking for prayers of comfort to wrap around you in a mighty way.

  8. My heart will be with all of you today. I pray that the procedure goes smoothly for you, Lori, and that John will find the emotional support he needs as well. Tough times, indeed, but you are so, so, so not alone. Deb

  9. (((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))))))))))))) xoxoxoxooxoxoxxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxxoxoxoxoxxoxo

  10. My heart hurts for you and your family. You are a wonderful, beautiful mother. Love to you and your babies.

  11. I am not sure how I came across the blog today but I think it was meant to be. We too have had to do IVF for our children and found out in January that we were expecting again. I was so incredibly grateful and was on my knees. Things were going amazing (besides throwing up 3 times a day). At our 10 week appt. the baby's heartbeat was 175, I felt like we were in the clear. Went in for our 12 week NT scan to find out that they baby stopped growing at 11 weeks and there was no heartbeat. I felt crushed, defeated and so sad.

    Why, when everything was going so well. What happened to my sweet baby?

    2 weeks ago I had the D&C and while the procedure was painless enough my emotions have been all over the place. I feel so blessed for my children but long for that child I never got to hold.

    Many prayers with you today and for the months and years to come.

  12. Oh Lori... My heart is heavy, and tears in my eyes. I am so sorry to hear this news... I know you will find strength, and that we will all remember all your children... hugs and love to you...

  13. Lori my heart goes out to you and John tonight. I am so terribly sorry for the loss of your baby and am sending you love across the miles.

  14. Lori found you via Amanda McDanel...

    Five years ago this week we lost our precious baby boy at 13 weeks. We had been trying for years and through so many rounds of IVF and were so excited to see the baby that morning (for the first time not in the RE's office), but he wasn't there. The doctor didn't even have to say it - we could see the ultrasound was different, empty and lifeless. The next day I had a D&C and woke up from anesthesia sobbing and it seemed I couldn't stop.
    I remember being awakened by my own cries for days or weeks.
    I have no words of wisdom for you. But I pray for peace to steal over you, for strength to grow in you and for every good thing to bless you. It is a horrible way to create a sisterhood but here we are. ((hugs))

  15. Lori, I am so so sorry, and sad beyond words.....

  16. We just got home from the hospital Lori and I'm so devastated to read this news. I'm so, so, so very sorry to hear that you have another angel - I've been keeping you and your family in my prayers as you travel through this dark and difficult time again. Sending you hugs and lots of love!!

  17. Oh Lori, this so is incredibly heartbreaking! I just want to fix this somehow for you, turn back time and keep your little miracle with you. I wish so much that that was possible. I've been following you for a very long time now and I just wanted to let you know I'm thinking about & praying for you, your husband and all of your sweet babies. While I know this is not something in our control, I just feel like this should not have happened to you. I wish you were not having to go through such pain. It shouldn't happen to anyone. I'm so very very sorry. I know I don't know you guys but I think about your family often and I want nothing but healing and happiness for you all. hugs from MI!

  18. Lori, I just read your horrible news. I too lost my third baby last week, just shy of 9 weeks and she (I think) had no detectable heartbeat. My heart aches for you and I do share how you feel since we lost our first born son only two short days after he was born. Know that your blog, your experience, your love, your words are inspiring and stregthening me as we walk on similar paths. I am praying for your healing and comfort. I am so sorry for you and your family's pain. I will continue to pray for you. With love, Lisa

  19. My heart breaks for you and your family. Praying...