I should just be upfront now. I'm going to write about a D&C. If you don't want to know what I think about it, stop reading.
It's awful. It's horrible. It's disrespectful and dishonorable and it makes me feel like I am the most horrible person on the planet. I have no earthly idea how ANY person could purposely walk into a medical facility to 'terminate' a pregnancy...to do this 'procedure' on a LIVING being with a heart beating.
And don't bother flaming me about my views, which are obviously very pro-life. I'm not in a great mood and seriously, don't want to hear it.
I know that really, I had no choice. If I waited to miscarry naturally (and there was no indication that was happening any time soon), it could be when Luke and I were alone. I could lose too much blood. I could put us both in jeopardy. I could not take that chance.
I would have liked to be induced to deliver naturally, but again, to do so, would have put me at great risk. Considering I've had two c-sections in a little over two years, my doctors were concerned that even a small amount of pitocin to induce labor could have really been risky for uterine rupture. That again would have put me at risk for too much blood loss, not to mention take any chances for future pregnancies off the table.
So it was the D&C. Leaving my perfect little baby nothing but medical waste.
I admit before losing Matthew, suffering so many years of infertility, I had the audacity to say, "I'd even take a miscarriage if it would just prove that I could actually get pregnant."
Dear Lord in Heaven...how could I have ever, ever known how devastating this is?
I couldn't and I am so, so sad and ashamed of myself for ever thinking that.
After Matthew died, and I met so many women who suffered miscarriages, my heart just grieved for them. Ached for the validation that I heard so many were lacking...the way they and their babies were just discarded...treated as if it was something that just happened and they had to suck it up and it wasn't even a big deal because it's not like the baby was really real or anything.
It was for the best. God's way of saying the baby wasn't going to make it anyway. Better to lose it early than later.
And I must, even at the expense of offending people who have been really, really supportive of us, must ask that people stop telling me God has a plan.
PLEASE. Stop telling me that.
I know His plans for me. They are NOT to harm me. They are for my good.
Losing my babies has harmed me. In a way that is indescribable and has forever changed me.
But I know ALL things work for my good.
Including the ones that hurt me...the ones I think He ALLOWS, but not necessarily wills.
Just ask Job about that.
Anyway, for the most ugly procedure I can fathom, I have to say that we were covered the entire day with so many prayers and wishes and thoughts and so much love.
Providence. That's all I can say. Dr. Shonekan has now been with me for the delivery of all three of my babies. God love that woman. She told John that it was obviously meant to be her...she rarely has her cell phone at work, but if she does, she doesn't keep her ringer on. IF by chance, the ringer is on, she CERTAINLY would not answer the phone at work, and never while with a patient...yet she did have her phone and the ringer WAS on and she WAS with a patient, but a friend of hers who completely understood that my name coming up on her phone warranted her answering. She was calm, as I was hysterical. She arranged for me to be at the hospital the next day, though I've not even LIVED in St. Mary's county for nearly a year, much less seen her in that long. Debby in her office told me that the scheduler at the hospital didn't even hesitate to just put me right on the schedule.
Our sweet Sarah...Sarah who visits my Matthew so much and shares so much with us... was working and came to stay with me some. Our precious Margaret Ann...the angel who held my hand when I was delivering Matthew and prayed for him and for me as the nurses did CPR...she was with me as they wheeled me into surgery. The amazing anesthesiologist who held my hand and took care of me when all the staff was scurrying to save Matthew was the one I prayed to God would be there again...and who do you think walked in and hugged me before he gave me the anesthesia??????
Our dear, dear friends Barb and Tamla came and stayed with us and prayed with us and were such salve to our hearts. I know it's been almost a year since we've moved to NC, but honestly, it felt as if we had never left.
Again, nothing but pure providence.
Dr. Shonekan was able to save tissue from the baby. Again, a D&C is an ugly procedure and it just hurts my heart to think of my precious little baby being scraped and sucked out of me. Forgive the gruesome picture, but that's what it is. I just cannot get the picture of the baby out of my head...curled with little hands and feet in front of it...just looking out...and then I go and destroy that perfectly formed body. I am just devastated at the disrespect I feel I've given to my child.
And then providence stepped in again when Dr. Shonekan reminded me that we as humans feel like we can create and destroy...but only the Giver of Life can do that. We just use processes as means to ends, but that precious little soul was with Him long before we followed through with what we felt was disgusting destruction.
We have been inundated with messages and emails and I just cannot emphasize how every single thought and prayer and sentiment of love sent has been so treasured. I was not able to immediately feel enveloped (though we VERY much were) after Matthew died, but now with that perspective, I am so cognizant of it...so aware of how it sustains us and has been used to give us peace like we really just don't understand. My heart simply cannot speak enough gratitude, but know that it is overflowing.
That said, if you are praying for us, please continue and if I may, specifically pray that the tissue that was saved will be able to be cultured and give us chromosomal information. I of course would like to know if there was anything chromosomal that was the cause of the baby's death, but more, I'd like to know with certainty whether it was a baby boy or baby girl.
I may have allowed its precious little body to be left as nothing but remains, but I am desperate to honor him or her with the name that will always be his or hers and maintain his or her unique and special and loved place in our family.
Make no mistake. As I've said before, this was no blob of tissue, no almost-baby.
This was my child. Will always be my child. Will always be loved and missed by his or her mother and father.
Will always be honored as best we can.
It's the least I can do.