I believe I've said it a million times before. I know I said it as we were contemplating what would happen with this last IVF cycle...I meant it then and I mean it now and will always, always mean it.
LUKE IS ENOUGH.
If Luke is the only child we are privileged to raise and experience the joys of a living child with, we cannot stress enough that we are grateful beyond words.
That said...gratitude does not negate devastation.
The joy of raising Luke does not cancel the grief of losing his siblings.
If anything, it exists as temperance and magnification at the same time.
It is because Luke is so amazing and so wonderful and so precious and healing that we grieve so, so deeply right now.
For this little brother or sister...a whisper in our lives but an indelible place in our hearts.
Because we know the amazing and blissful joy that is parenting our sweet Luke...we know with a sorrow so aching how much we are missing in Matthew and the Littlest One.
These words were sent to me...and very eloquently say pretty much what I am trying to say...because our love is so great, so is our sorrow...
From Gibran's "The Prophet" "And the selfsame well from which your laughter rises was oftentimes filled with your tears. And how else can it be? The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain. Is not the cup that holds your wine the very cup that was burned in the potter's oven? And is not the lute that soothes your spirit, the very wood that was hollowed with knives? When you are joyous, look deep into your heart and you shall find it is only that which has given you sorrow that is giving you joy. When you are sorrowful look again into your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight. Some of you may say, "Joy is greater than sorrow," and others say, "Nay sorrow is the greater." But I say unto you, they are inseparable."
Because we adore every single thing about being Luke's parents, we crave more. Call us greedy. We are. Parenting Luke absolutely made us crave another sibling in a tremendous way. Makes us miss Matthew even more when we get to experience something with Luke we know Matthew never will.
Yes. We want more of this sweet, sweet life we have. Sue us.
And when we are given a chance at it...and then again, it's taken...you better believe it's devastation.
Not because Luke isn't enough.
Luke doesn't have anything to do with the devastation. We lost another child. We lost more sweetness.
We lost more bliss.
And we wanted it desperately.
I've been in an ugly, ugly mood today. Really ugly. Scathing. I have just wanted to scream, "SEE! SEE! SEE!!!!!!!!! I'm NOT neurotic!!!!!!! More of my babies DIE than live. SEE!!!!!!!"
"Don't be so pessimistic."
"You can't think like that."
"You worry too much."
Today, I just wanted to scream, "BITE ME."
I didn't. (Well, now I guess I sort of have...)
I recognize it as ugly and I don't like it. I'm not ugly. I work very hard to control ugly thoughts.
But today it was hard to contain it.
And then someone sent me an amazing link. (THANK YOU!) This man says everything that my heart has been screaming.
"At least...." should never, ever, EVER preface any sentence when talking about a lost life.
It's extremely disrespectful and dishonoring of the life or lives you are essentially discounting when you say that at least you have so and so left.
Like Luke is better or more loved because he lives?
Offers of theological explanations simply fall on deaf ears, I'm afraid. There is no doubt I believe in absolute Truth. There is no doubt that God and I are working on things minute by minute.
But that's for US to handle. As this man said, unless you've been explicitly told by God what explanation to give, you are better off not. (And, for the record, if you have, I truly am all ears. But trying to speak on God's behalf doesn't work for me. Speak scripture. Offer prayers. Don't offer explanations, please.)
I'm rambling and I'll stop. This man said it way, way better than I could anyway, in this frame of mind at least.
I should mention, though, my frame of mind is spot on for where it should be. Diagnosing where I am in grief or if I am grieving appropriately is ridiculous, presumptive and arrogant.
I get the impression that people think this should not be as big a deal to us because losing Matthew was so much harder, and we are surviving and thriving... so a miscarriage at the beginning of the second trimester ought to be a piece of cake, right?
Been here, done that.
WRONG. We've never lost THIS child. We've never grieved THIS child. We miss THIS child.
And Luke being enough is not the issue.
All of our children are precious. Wanted. Loved.
Loss is the issue. Another loss. Another child.
Another child lost.