Thursday, April 12, 2012

It's Not That Luke Is Not Enough....

I believe I've said it a million times before.  I know I said it as we were contemplating what would happen with this last IVF cycle...I meant it then and I mean it now and will always, always mean it.


If Luke is the only child we are privileged to raise and experience the joys of a living child with, we cannot stress enough that we are grateful beyond words.

That said...gratitude does not negate devastation.

The joy of raising Luke does not cancel the grief of losing his siblings.

If anything, it exists as temperance and magnification at the same time.

It is because Luke is so amazing and so wonderful and so precious and healing that we grieve so, so deeply right now.

For Matthew...still...always.

For this little brother or sister...a whisper in our lives but an indelible place in our hearts.

Because we know the amazing and blissful joy that is parenting our sweet Luke...we know with a sorrow so aching how much we are missing in Matthew and the Littlest One.

These words were sent to me...and very eloquently say pretty much what I am trying to say...because our love is so great, so is our sorrow...

From Gibran's "The Prophet" "And the selfsame well from which your laughter rises was oftentimes filled with your tears. And how else can it be? The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain. Is not the cup that holds your wine the very cup that was burned in the potter's oven? And is not the lute that soothes your spirit, the very wood that was hollowed with knives? When you are joyous, look deep into your heart and you shall find it is only that which has given you sorrow that is giving you joy. When you are sorrowful look again into your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight. Some of you may say, "Joy is greater than sorrow," and others say, "Nay sorrow is the greater." But I say unto you, they are inseparable."

Because we adore every single thing about being Luke's parents, we crave more.  Call us greedy.  We are.  Parenting Luke absolutely made us crave another sibling in a tremendous way.  Makes us miss Matthew even more when we get to experience something with Luke we know Matthew never will.

Yes.  We want more of this sweet, sweet life we have.  Sue us.

And when we are given a chance at it...and then again, it's better believe it's devastation.

Not because Luke isn't enough.

Luke doesn't have anything to do with the devastation.  We lost another child.  We lost more sweetness.

We lost more bliss.

And we wanted it desperately.


I've been in an ugly, ugly mood today.  Really ugly.  Scathing.  I have just wanted to scream, "SEE!  SEE!  SEE!!!!!!!!!  I'm NOT neurotic!!!!!!!  More of my babies DIE than live.  SEE!!!!!!!"

"Think positive."
"Have faith."
"Don't be so pessimistic."
"You can't think like that."
"You worry too much."

Today, I just wanted to scream, "BITE ME."

I didn't.  (Well, now I guess I sort of have...)

I recognize it as ugly and I don't like it.  I'm not ugly.  I work very hard to control ugly thoughts.

But today it was hard to contain it.

And then someone sent me an amazing link. (THANK YOU!) This man says everything that my heart has been screaming.

"At least...." should never, ever, EVER preface any sentence when talking about a lost life.
It's extremely disrespectful and dishonoring of the life or lives you are essentially discounting when you say that at least you have so and so left.

Like Luke is better or more loved because he lives?

Offers of theological explanations simply fall on deaf ears, I'm afraid.  There is no doubt I believe in absolute Truth.  There is no doubt that God and I are working on things minute by minute.

But that's for US to handle.  As this man said, unless you've been explicitly told by God what explanation to give, you are better off not.  (And, for the record, if you have, I truly am all ears.  But trying to speak on God's behalf doesn't work for me.  Speak scripture.  Offer prayers.  Don't offer explanations, please.)

I'm rambling and I'll stop.  This man said it way, way better than I could anyway, in this frame of mind at least.

I should mention, though, my frame of mind is spot on for where it should be.  Diagnosing where I am in grief or if I am grieving appropriately is ridiculous, presumptive and arrogant.

I get the impression that people think this should not be as big a deal to us because losing Matthew was so much harder, and we are surviving and thriving... so a miscarriage at the beginning of the second trimester ought to be a piece of cake, right?

Been here, done that.

WRONG.  We've never lost THIS child.  We've never grieved THIS child.  We miss THIS child.

And Luke being enough is not the issue.

All of our children are precious.  Wanted.  Loved.

Loss is the issue.  Another loss.  Another child.

Another child lost.


  1. Sweet sweet friend. My heart just aches. I try not to let the anger take hold. There are definite days when I want to throttle those who try to tell me where I should be in the this journey. And they have no clue what a truly bad day is. All my love.

  2. I am literally in tears reading your words because I FEEL your heart here so deeply. The words you say, the pain you feel, the loss, the disappointment, the anger, the sadness, I feel it all over again and my heart breaks for you! One child does NOT replace another, one child is not a substitute for another. Luke will never be Matthew or LIttle One and you aren't asking that. The questions of what could be, what would be, what would they be like are there, they always will be. My heart just aches for you and "at least" should be abolished from the responses people have--agreed! Sending you continued love and prayers.

  3. I am so very sorry Lori ♥ I have been thinking about you.

  4. That's a very good point about each loss being unique. I had a patient once who had buried 4 husbands. She said to me, "people think that because I have been through this before that it gets easier, but it's just as bad each time. Each time I am grieving this particular husband and what he meant to me."

    I have had 3 known miscarriages, and as you say, having one son in my home does not change the meaning of those losses.

  5. Oh sweet deserve to have an "ugly" day. I still have many.

    Like I've said before, losing our first twins, Jack and Ethan, and our "Whisper" was agonizing.
    Yes, a "missed miscarriage" just before 12 weeks. There was nothing "missed" about it...and so when people just treated me like I should be over my pain days, weeks, months later...I felt the same "Bite me!". It has been just over 4 years since we lost our sweet babies. My heart will never stop aching, because I never stopped wanting these angels!

    Then when Zac passed away...people actually had the audacity to say to me "but at least you still have Evan! What a miracle!". Again...all I wanted to do was hit them over the head and again scream "Bite Me!".

    First...Evan is NO "at least". And second...NO DUH he is a miracle! I know we could have lost him along side his twin brother. I KNOW he is a miracle. I KNOW his brother fought for his life. I KNOW how lucky we are for Evan.

    But does that mean I am not supposed to grieve the DEATH of our son?! The death of Evan's TWIN BROTHER?! And am I such a horrid mother for catching glimpses of Zac in Evan's profile, and catch myself wondering what life could have been like watching BOTH of our sons growing together as they SHOULD HAVE?!

    People are so ignorant and why they think comments like "at least" are supposed to help heal the heart of a breaking parent.

    I've learned especially in the loss of Zac that grief/sorrow can and DOES intertwine deeply with joy/gratitude.
    I've also learned that loss is loss, no matter WHEN that loss occurs. Just because we had Zac with us for barely three days before he passed away, it didn't mean that losing our first babies, Jack, Ethan and "Whisper" was any less painful.

    ALL our babies were desired. Were fought for. Were wanted. Were loved. And our 4 heavenly angels are missed missed missed.

    I agree...the love and joy of our earthy blessings shows how precious it is to LOVE. Does it make it so wrong to desire another child?!
    You know where I'm at right now...and the thought of coming to the end empty armed again...literally makes my heart ache.

    I love you dearly. I love your love for ALL your children. And I respect and "get" that love and desire to spread more of that love in a little bundle!

    So many prayers and hugs your way!!!


  6. Your all I can think about Lori , John & Luke. Praying super hard. I lost 4 children through miscarriages. In my thoughts so much. xxxooo

  7. Your words speak volumes....and such truth. I hadn't been able to put those feelings into our joy is carved from our sorrow....and now I completely understand. When I look at Collen and my heart leaps for joy and in the same moment aches with pain. All that we are getting with him, we are missing with Ayden. Makes so much sense...

    You have been a constant in my thoughts and in my heart all week....and you will continue to be. I wish so badly I could take this from you. It just isn't fair...

    Continuing to pray and hold you close...

  8. my heart aches and my eyes cry for you and john and luke. you are so honest and your feeling soo make sense. i wish you didn't have to live through them - i wish we could take this away and i wish we could give you what you are hoping for... i totally get the desires... keeping you close in my thoughts...

  9. It's wrong that parents grieving a child have to defend their grief. Thank you for sharing that link. I saw it on FB last night and have been reading the series about when a child dies.

  10. I think, for me, as a Christian and maybe also as a woman it has been hard not to always find a reason to say "but it's okay because..."
    Some things are just not okay. Losing a child is never okay.
    Praying for your peace.

  11. I am so sorry for your loss. You have been in my thoughts and prayers.

  12. Sometimes as humans we have to accept the ugly moments and let them pass. You have been through so much Lori.. give yourself the space time and peace to work through the loss of your child.
    I am thinking of you with so much love and light...

  13. I am very sorry for your loss.

    I'm a patient of Dr. Shonekan's and also at Shady Grove. Our first IVF was successful, but ended in miscarriage. Genetic testing following the D&C gave us useful information moving forward. No success yet. Gearing up for egg retrieval #4 next week.

    The D&C was horrible. Peace, hugs, and healing to you.

  14. My heart breaks for you. I know you are angry and you deserve to be. Having Luke only means you realise what you don't have without Matthew and your newest loss. It is so hard to understand G-d's ways and to respect them. BE angry. Shout and scream and stomp. My heart and prayers are there for you!

  15. Lori, my heart is right there with you. This child was prayed for and loved the very instant we knew she had been concieved. And my heart aches for her as it aches for her brother (our first son) who we lost just after birth after only two short days. It is a loss of all that might of been, of all that we hoped for or all that we love and are amazed at in their living brother. It is not wrong to want more of being a mothter to living child. I will pray for your healing.

  16. Here from LFCA. I am so sorry for your loss. As someone who lost a babe at 12 wk (although it wasn't discovered till 14), it is so hard. And it looks like you've walked a long hard road to get here too. I am so so sorry.