Still Standing...

Do you remember?

Did you know?

I didn’t want to live anymore.

I told people I did.  I told John and Mom and my sister and my dearest and most precious friends and family that I did.

But I didn’t.

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I planned to just stop eating.

Grieving mothers don’t eat.  They can’t.  They are sick to their stomachs with grief, right?  I’ve never been a big eater.  It would make total sense.

I’d just wither away.  Too chicken to do anything really dramatic and effective…

Just pretend to eat and then act like it was just my grief that was making me disappear. 

That’s what I wanted to do.  I wanted to disappear.

When Matthew died, I didn’t bother really questioning God.  I didn’t think even He could offer any answer that would make my heart feel ok with things, and I just wanted to be done with this world.

Be with him. 

Have him back with me.

Do you remember this time in my life?

Did you know?

I remember.  I can remember very little about those days and months after he died because really, I was sort of catatonic.  Pretending.  Going through the motions of life.

But I remember this plan very, very vividly.  Don’t doubt for a second that I had full intentions of executing it.

But here I am.  Two years, four months and twenty-seven days later, here I am.

Sixteen days after finding out we lost Matthew and Luke’s little sister or brother…here I am.

Still Standing.

Breathing.  Eating (for real). Smiling (for real).

Living.

I am living and loving a life I had pretty much decided was over…not worth continuing.

By the grace of God and with the love and support and encouragement of what seems like an entire world, I live a beautiful life.

A renewed life. 

A precious and amazing and wonderful life.

And I am grateful.

I am honored and privileged to announce the debut of an amazing magazine…created by the amazing Franchesca at Small Bird Studio, and comprised of several unbelievable women…a group of which I am really humbled and honored (and yes, surprised!  Little old me????) to be a part.   Still Standing is not only the name of this fabulous new magazine, but the mantra for so, so many of us who suffer from infertility and/or experience the death of a baby and have chosen to continue embracing life for all its worth.   Those who chose to continue to fight for themselves and their families and to embrace hope as fully as they can…and in doing so, choose to breathe in every exquisite breath they can, in spite of situations in their lives that would make one want to take her last breath.

As a monthly contributor, I will be writing about infertility and treatments, parenting and pregnancy after losses, and maintaining faith and hope through it all.  I honestly have to say that I am really, really excited about this endeavor, and find it hard to believe that I’m at this place in my life.

The place where I remember what wanting to end your life feels like…but cry at the thought of that…how I’d miss out on the incredible things that were waiting for me if I could just make it through…

To this place. 

The place where I am Still Standing.

Please spread the word!  Still Standing will launch on May 5, and can be found  here.  You can also follow us on Facebook (here) and Twitter.  (Not me, though…I can barely keep up with Facebook, much less Twitter, ha ha!)