Thursday, April 19, 2012

What I see...

I see this picture and I see a miracle.

I see compassion and dedication fighting to keep my baby alive.

I see hope.

I see brown eyes from a blue-eyed I know they are mine.

I see my chin.  My mother's chin.  My grandmother's chin.

I see a baby no one could ever believe would be buried a week later.

I see 10.5 years of dreams and prayers only hours away from the death...and the beginning of a completely different life than I ever pictured.

I see this picture and I see a miracle.

I see a little boy or girl looking out at his or her mommy for the last time.

I see 10 perfectly formed fingers and 10 perfectly formed toes waiting for mommy to kiss...but never to happen.

I see extravagant blessing in 12 weeks and two days.

I see more shock.

I see more heartache.

I see more devastation.

I see more love than I would think is humanly possible...but is.

And here's what God sees...

He sees restoration.

He sees every precious miracle.

He sees more hope.

He sees redemption of broken hearts.

He sees unbelievable love and commitment.

He sees pure bliss.

He sees gratitude.

He sees survival.

I know we'll survive.  We are.  We will.  We know what it feels like to want to take your last breath as you learn your child has taken his...and in the same lifetime, to beg God for as many years as He can possibly give with the most amazing and healing little blessing.  To hate every second of your existence...but a little over a year later, be so in love with your life that you can hardly believe it's yours.

Two and a half years later, to lose a piece of your heart again and still be so grateful for all you have that you are still pinching yourself to be sure what you have is really yours.

Thanking God I can see what He sees for me.  It seems like it will never come, but I know it exists.

I know it because this is what I see every day.
Okay...he doesn't eat sand every day...but those sweet brown eyes and delicious cheeks...I am so grateful those are mine to mother!!!!!


  1. Oh Lori! This brought tears to my eyes!!! I see those things too & I see them in my C's face too! My heart is still breaking for you & John!!! Just prayers and love from me to y'all!!

  2. Oh how awesome and precious and priceless this post is! I am so glad that I scrolled over to read it before I went to bed! xoxo!

  3. Holy Lord! Me too! Luke really does make life all the more sweet and precious, even from states away. Just a picture will make me smile and coo ... I adore ALL of you and love ALL of you! xoxoxo

  4. Lori, you put this painful joyful life in such adequate words. I so just want to hug you right now!

  5. What I see....

    A courageous Mommy, fighting to utter these words and find sunshine despite the rain....once again.

    I know I've been absent Lori, but you are never far from my heart and always in my thoughts.

    Lifting you up,

  6. I am so happy that you keep fighting....praying for your determination and tenacity.
    God is good.

  7. :)

    I know I am so grateful for my girls.

  8. <3<3<3 I love you Lori. So so much.

  9. This is an amazing and beautiful post!! The fact you see all the beauty that surrounds you as you are grieving inspires me to look harder myself. Thank you for this.

  10. Great post & Oh how I know I'm thankful for every precious life God has blessed me with even if 4 of them live in Heaven. Everyday I look forward to the day we will all be together.
    Always thinking & praying for your family. <3

  11. Oh Lori...precious beyonds words! So very, very precious!

    Love you friend!!!


  12. Your strength is amazing. I agree with Andrea who said she sees a courageous mommy. I see three blessed children to have known the love of a mother like you! You are daily in my thoughts....

  13. I am so sorry for your losses.

  14. A beautiful post. I am so sorry for your losses ... and grateful for the miracles of your blessings. Happy ICLW.

  15. Love this. Yes...that's exactly what He sees.

    Thank you...for the reminder of redemption and restoration. It's one of my favorite things He does...and He does it over and over again. I love to watch Him do it.

    Love to you...

  16. Very touching.

    But incredibly tough to write such a post.

    Sorry for all the losses, including the recent one.

    And love for the boy who is your sunshine everyday.


  17. Hey there, I'm here from ICLW. I'm so sorry for your losses. This post was really quite beautiful. Thanks for sharing.

  18. Hi, here from ICLW! God bless your family - you have been through so much!

  19. what a warm and precious post. I love those pictures.

    feel free to visit my blog :)