Thursday, April 26, 2012

Between Neonatal Death and Miscarriage...


Two weeks and two days ago, I still had a baby in my womb.

A dead baby, granted...but still, my baby.

My child.

I've been so, so, so blessed with people emailing and calling and sending cards and flowers and messages and letting me cry...I've had offers of meals and/or anything else we may need, and I can't help but think that people are just so, so amazing.

But then I think of so many friends I know who have suffered miscarriages and wonder why they have not had this...this outpouring of love and help and pity (yes, even that is appreciated because I know it's from a genuine place) that we've had just seems to be so different than what I know so many have experienced.

And still so different from when Matthew died...

I wonder...why?  Why are people being so great?  Do they just not believe (like we can't) that again...after so much hope and miraculous happening...we just end up with pictures?

Do they feel like we have been given more than we should get?

Do they wonder how much more we are willing to endure before we throw our hands up and say, "UNCLE!"?

I also wonder why it's been different from when Matthew died...far, far fewer cards/letters/people throwing themselves at our feet and begging us to just let them help anyway they could.  (Again, not that  we have not been inundated with so many amazing blessings from so many with this baby...just nowhere near the same as when Matthew died.)

Why?  Is it because this baby didn't have the same attachment as people had to us and to Matthew?  Was Matthew more 'real' because he was 'born' living and breathed and was held by his daddy?

Do children rank in the impact their lives have based on their gestation?

Sort of seems like it.

But I guess get it. And I don't judge.

With Matthew, people (us included) were shocked.  SHOCKED.  After Matthew, I don't think ANYTHING would shock us.

With Matthew, it was new territory...for us, for our family, for so many who loved us.

This time...we've all been here, just a little bit.  We've lived through (and you've watched or read about) the days and weeks and years after losing our baby.  This is certainly not old hat, but it bears an ugly familiarity similar to waking up from a bad dream only to go back to sleep and find yourself in that same dream.

Knowing you can't escape, yet feeling like since you woke up once, eventually, you'll wake up again.

We breathe again since we've lost Matthew.  We love again.  We rejoice again.  We are content with our lives again.

And then, content as we are...we go for more.  Are given more.

Only to find ourselves in that same dream.

Is it different because we know there IS light at the end of the tunnel?  Is it different because we know that we can survive and thrive?


But not EASIER.

Just different.

I'm at a different place in my life.  In my walk with God, in my marriage, in my place in this world.  In who I am and what I can survive and what I am so, so grateful for.

This post is certainly all over the place and not necessarily what I was trying to get across.

I'm not sure what I was trying to get across, other than there is surely a difference...but different or not, there is pain and loss and aching for what could and should have been.

That is NOT different than we have with Matthew.  He and his little sister or brother (and I believe it was a sister) are just as precious and loved and wanted by me and their father.

And we look forward to being together again one day.

Here are some pictures from Easter.  The day before Dr. Sweeney had to tell us how sorry he was.  The day we smiled and I glowed because life was so, so, sweet in spite of all the hardship.

It still is.  Grateful for all my miracles.

The day before, he face-planted on the sidewalk.  Rudolph, the Red-nosed Reindeer for Easter!

How I love, love, love this precious little boy.


  1. " Is it because this baby didn't have the same attachment as people had to us and to Matthew? Was Matthew more 'real' because he was 'born' living and breathed and was held by his daddy? "

    I think you've touched on a very important point here. For many, miscarriage translates into "not meant to be." People reason that "something was wrong" or "wasn't in God's plan" not taking into account that there was already a strong bond with that child.

    I'm so sorry for your loss. But I am glad to hear that you are being surrounded by love. Be good to yourself as you heal.

  2. Dear Lori,
    I pray for you and your family daily. My heart aches for you. I am so so sorry for your loss.
    You are so right about this. Some people just don't see miscarriage the same and, unfortunately, for mothers who have lost their babies, it is no different and it's hard to understand why people don't seem to care as much. (for lack of a better phrase).
    You are fantastic mother and Luke is one VERY BLESSED (and handsome) little boy!
    Love and Prayers,

    P.S. your dress is beautiful and you have a GORGEOUS smile!

  3. That is a question I've pondered quite often - sending you hugs, prayers and lots of love at this difficult time.

  4. hello from iclw. i'm so very sorry to hear about your losses, such heartbreaking stories, but i'm very happy to hear that people are being so kind. good luck on your journey, i hope you have a happy and healthy baby in your arms very soon.

  5. I have wondered about this at times too. I feel that because miscarriage is sadly more common than still birth, and numerous woman have to experience it.. The sadness of it seems to get watered down and made to be " just one of those things"......... But Lori, I think you have every right to grieve over your chilld and receive the same support no matter what the gestation or age. Your chilld still had a beating heart, and it's own little personality and was still just as much your chilld as Matthew grieve unashamedly..
    I'm truly so sorry for your loss. Life is not fair, but I'm so grateful we serve a God, who in these times is here to carry us through. Your an inspiration to me, and through your blog, I have learnt to be so much more aware of what others may be experiencing compared to what it looks like from the outside. So I thank you for that.


  6. My heart breaks for you.... I never really got any condolences from any of my miscarriages - I had 14 ...

    I know that miscarriages seem less real to them... and Cristy is right, more "not meant to be" because something was obviously "wrong" ... and that is a loss all in itself.

    But for me, that child was always meant to be ... because it WAS ... it was there, it existed ..... loved, cherished, dreamed about and for... and named (at least in my case.)

    Luke is ADORABLE... what a blessing. I also read Matthew's story (your memories) and how heartbreaking..... he should have been a perfectly healthy over-due baby and then.... wham...

    I have two kids who have super rare medical issues ... one I was told I would lose before he was even born because of his rare genetic disorder....

    anyway ..... {{{HUGS}}}
    Perusing your blog via ICLW (#86)