You know, I always find it funny that people are willing to put soooooo much faith and belief in the universe as some sort of giving and taking, controlling/allowing entity, but have a hard time giving that same faith and belief to One who makes the same claim and has some actual historical backing.
That said, I certainly am not judging...we believe what we believe, and usually because that's what our life's experience has taught us to do.
My point, though, is that so, so, so many people are willing to say, "What a day! The universe opened up a thunderstorm this morning, but ended it with me running into an old friend, so all-in-all, balanced!" but when you tell them about some 'gut feeling' you have, it's discounted.
Mother's Intuition? Usually only believed in by mothers.
Thinking of someone and then the phone rings and it's THEM? Coincidence.
Run into someone who ends up changing your life? Quirky happenstance.
I don't know...I guess I am just surprised at what some people have no trouble believing and what they absolutely, positively can't fathom believing in.
And totally discount.
Like gut feelings. Dreams that are so real and SO applicable to what is going on in one's life that it's almost...eerie.
The other day, I went to the new OB here in NC. Obviously, since my favorite doctors in the world are in Maryland, I was nervous. It was supposed to be a 15-week check of the baby.
Instead, checking to see how I've recovered from the D&C. (Fabulously, thanks for asking.)
This doctor was great. He was empathetic. He was kind. He was compassionate. He read my chart. He put me at ease, all things considered. My BP when I went in was 176/116. I'm a 90/60 kind of gal. Yes, you may THINK you have it all together, but your body won't lie...when I left, after talking to him, it was 110/86. Still high, but way better. I mean, let's be real...I was there to see how well the baby had been sucked out of me. If THAT doesn't jack someone's blood pressure, I don't know what will.
Anyway, we talked about gut feelings. He felt like the fact that I wanted a c-section the ENTIRE pregnancy with Matthew was a gut feeling, and he's sure it is hard for me to realize that would have saved Matthew's life. It IS hard, but honestly, I'm betting it's harder for every single person who told me that if I wanted to do 'the best thing for the baby,' I'd not even consider a c-section unless absolutely necessary...yeah, so, listening to all that essentially killed my son.
We also discussed Matthew being breech until 35 weeks. "Maybe he knew..." the doctor said about Matthew.
Yep. I ABSOLUTELY believe that. It was because I chose to listen to everyone and try and have a vaginal birth that I tried all I could to turn him.
Ignoring gut feelings again.
Or every time Luke has something and I don't react to it because I don't want to be that mom, even when I am really worried...only to find out that the kid has H1N1 or something and I SHOULD have brought him in way sooner.
Ignoring Mother's Intuition because I don't want people to think I'm a neurotic hover-mother.
Or taking those darned (yes, I know....very pregnancy-safe) inhalers with this last bout of bronchitis. The baby's heartbeat stopped 4-5 days after I took them. The VERY STRONG heartbeat just stopped.
Ignored what my gut said. Even if that had NOTHING to do with losing the baby, I am trying to live my life with nothing to regret. I regret taking those inhalers.
Just wish people would not discount gut feelings as much. Just because something can't be explained, that doesn't mean that it should be discounted.
So I am going to share something very personal and very private.
I could be very wrong. I don't claim to be anyone who has revealing dreams or anything like that.
I'm as skeptical as the next person.
But I also know what my gut is telling me, and it is telling me that the baby was a girl.
I had a dream about a week and a half ago. I'd been feeling that we were not going to get any information from the testing (still haven't, and still doubt we are) but that God was telling me it was ok. He knew the baby. He knew the gender. He knew the name.
So, in this dream, I was in the hospital and was told the baby was a girl. They were writing her name on the birth certificate. I was crying and asking what happened. They kept repeating, "Trisomy 22." I kept saying, "That's not even a real thing!!!"
No explanation, just kept telling me, "Trisomy 22," and telling me her name.
So the next morning, my sweet friend and I talked about this dream and I decided to google Trisomy 22.
It IS a thing.
A serious, rare and sad thing. I've never heard of it.
And when a baby has a complete Trisomy 22, it is incompatible with life. Miscarriage always occurs, typically in the first trimester.
I was just at the end of the first trimester when the baby died.
Many might discount this as weird or kooky or whatever.
I feel like it's the best comfort I've been given and personally by the Great Comforter Himself.
The new OB said to me, "You know...all things considered, you are really in a healthy place. I can see the joy on your face that tells me you aren't lying when you say you are content with your life right now. I can tell by the tears you've cried how much your heart still grieves your first son and this newest baby. I can see by the way you are using your hands and talking quickly about the upcoming transfer that you are excited and hopeful...but I can also see by the way you are tearing the tissue up that you know nothing is ever guaranteed and you have a realistic view of what could very likely come as a result of another transfer and/or pregnancy. I wish more of my patients could have what you have."
What I have?
What DO I have?
Gut feelings. Gut instincts that we are ok. God laying it on my heart that these next several weeks (we are probably doing a transfer sometime between June 20-24th) and following months are going to be ok.
Even though my life experience tells me that it probably isn't, my gut is screaming at me to give it a chance.
I'm going with my gut.