Thursday, May 3, 2012

Gut Feelings...

You know, I always find it funny that people are willing to put soooooo much faith and belief in the universe as some sort of giving and taking, controlling/allowing entity, but have a hard time giving that same faith and belief to One who makes the same claim and has some actual historical backing.

That said, I certainly am not judging...we believe what we believe, and usually because that's what our life's experience has taught us to do.

My point, though, is that so, so, so many people are willing to say, "What a day!  The universe opened up a thunderstorm this morning, but ended it with me running into an old friend, so all-in-all, balanced!" but when you tell them about some 'gut feeling' you have, it's discounted.

Mother's Intuition?  Usually only believed in by mothers.

Thinking of someone and then the phone rings and it's THEM?  Coincidence.

Run into someone who ends up changing your life? Quirky happenstance.

I don't know...I guess I am just surprised at what some people have no trouble believing and what they absolutely, positively can't fathom believing in.

And totally discount.

Like gut feelings.  Dreams that are so real and SO applicable to what is going on in one's life that it's almost...eerie.

The other day, I went to the new OB here in NC.  Obviously, since my favorite doctors in the world are in Maryland, I was nervous.  It was supposed to be a 15-week check of the baby.

Instead, checking to see how I've recovered from the D&C. (Fabulously, thanks for asking.)

This doctor was great.  He was empathetic.  He was kind.  He was compassionate.  He read my chart.  He put me at ease, all things considered.  My BP when I went in was 176/116.  I'm a 90/60 kind of gal.  Yes, you may THINK you have it all together, but your body won't lie...when I left, after talking to him, it was 110/86.  Still high, but way better.  I mean, let's be real...I was there to see how well the baby had been sucked out of me.  If THAT doesn't jack someone's blood pressure, I don't know what will.

Anyway, we talked about gut feelings.  He felt like the fact that I wanted a c-section the ENTIRE pregnancy with Matthew was a gut feeling, and he's sure it is hard for me to realize that would have saved Matthew's life.  It IS hard, but honestly, I'm betting it's harder for every single person who told me that if I wanted to do 'the best thing for the baby,' I'd not even consider a c-section unless absolutely necessary...yeah, so, listening to all that essentially killed my son.

We also discussed Matthew being breech until 35 weeks.  "Maybe he knew..." the doctor said about Matthew.

Yep.  I ABSOLUTELY believe that.  It was because I chose to listen to everyone and try and have a vaginal birth that I tried all I could to turn him.

Ignoring gut feelings again.

Or every time Luke has something and I don't react to it because I don't want to be that mom, even when I am really worried...only to find out that the kid has H1N1 or something and I SHOULD have brought him in way sooner.

Ignoring Mother's Intuition because I don't want people to think I'm a neurotic hover-mother.

Or taking those darned (yes, I know....very pregnancy-safe) inhalers with this last bout of bronchitis.  The baby's heartbeat stopped 4-5 days after I took them.  The VERY STRONG heartbeat just stopped.

Ignored what my gut said.  Even if that had NOTHING to do with losing the baby, I am trying to live my life with nothing to regret.  I regret taking those inhalers.


Just wish people would not discount gut feelings as much.  Just because something can't be explained, that doesn't mean that it should be discounted.

So I am going to share something very personal and very private.
I could be very wrong.  I don't claim to be anyone who has revealing dreams or anything like that.
I'm as skeptical as the next person.

But I also know what my gut is telling me, and it is telling me that the baby was a girl.

I had a dream about a week and a half ago.  I'd been feeling that we were not going to get any information from the testing (still haven't, and still doubt we are) but that God was telling me it was ok. He knew the baby.  He knew the gender.  He knew the name.

So, in this dream, I was in the hospital and was told the baby was a girl.  They were writing her name on the birth certificate.  I was crying and asking what happened.  They kept repeating, "Trisomy 22."  I kept saying, "That's not even a real thing!!!"

No explanation, just kept telling me, "Trisomy 22," and telling me her name.

So the next morning, my sweet friend and I talked about this dream and I decided to google Trisomy 22.

It IS a thing.

A serious, rare and sad thing.  I've never heard of it.

And when a baby has a complete Trisomy 22, it is incompatible with life.  Miscarriage always occurs, typically in the first trimester.

I was just at the end of the first trimester when the baby died.

Many might discount this as weird or kooky or whatever.

I feel like it's the best comfort I've been given and personally by the Great Comforter Himself.

The new OB said to me, "You know...all things considered, you are really in a healthy place.  I can see the joy on your face that tells me you aren't lying when you say you are content with your life right now.  I can tell by the tears you've cried how much your heart still grieves your first son and this newest baby.  I can see by the way you are using your hands and talking quickly about the upcoming transfer that you are excited and hopeful...but I can also see by the way you are tearing the tissue up that you know nothing is ever guaranteed and you have a realistic view of what could very likely come as a result of another transfer and/or pregnancy. I wish more of my patients could have what you have."

What I have?

What DO I have?

Gut feelings.  Gut instincts that we are ok.  God laying it on my heart that these next several weeks (we are probably doing a transfer sometime between June 20-24th) and following months are going to be ok.

Even though my life experience tells me that it probably isn't, my gut is screaming at me to give it a chance.

I'm going with my gut.


  1. So glad God has brought you the comfort you need to get through. It's an amazing thing to know that our God loves us so much that He gives us *kisses* to help us through the tough times.

  2. from the first time i found your blog, i have been consistently awed by the strength of your faith and by your ability to be content and satisfied and truly HAPPY with your life, despite loss and tragedy. i am in tears as i type this. you are so inspiring.

  3. Wow, so amazing! God does know Lori. He know how much you needed to know and to know that you didn't cause this. He does have mysterious ways. I am so glad he chose to reveal the answers in a dream!

    Love you!

  4. OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i BELIEVE you! you know i believe God speaks in dreams...... He answers! i hadn't said anything, but i was feeling that this baby was a girl too :)

    precious, precious, precious baby girl :) i am praying God's blessing over all of you and His peace too.

    when you are ready, i hope you will share her name with us so that i may thank god for her life and remember her properly.

    and my prayers are already reaching forward to this coming transfer. (((((((hugs)))))))

  5. Big hugs, Lori. This is a great post. The part about the little girl and trisomy 22 gave me chills and made me sad, but so happy that (like you said) God knows your baby, and has her safe in His arms. Big hugs.

  6. A few years ago, I too began listening to my gut. The rational was based on the continual evidence that allow others to sway my decisions never worked out for the best (be it major or minor decisions) and also with the fact that I, not them, have to live with the consequences.

    My point: I fully support you listening to your gut. Because all too often, it's usually right. We know instinctively when something is off and it's important that we listen to our internal warning system. Those who discount this usually are not as in-tune.

    Continue to think of you during this time as you heal and prepare for the journey ahead. And I have faith that your darling daughter is with Matthew and that both of your angels are wrapping you and your family in love.

  7. You made me cry... and you know I agree that she was a girl. I've had some moments where God stepped in as well, and I thank Him for His mercy. I needed to hear the message about trusting my gut too. Thank you.

  8. Lots of prayers & what a great post. Always in my prayers & lots of positive thoughts for June & all the goodness God will bring you. You are such a amazing Mom & I treasure you as a friend.

  9. I love you - that's all I can say. I'm in tears, bless you.

  10. Someone told me after Julia died that "she lived a full life". In some ways she hadn't, but in other ways she had. Somehow that was comforting.

    There was something comforting about knowing she'd died before whatever it was that killed her had had a chance to attack her later when she was more developed. Know what I mean? It kills me to think she was in pain but I'm glad she died when she did as I couldn't fathom surviving losing her at birth like we did Evan.

  11. Tears,chills and an A-MEN!.......

    I couldn't agree more with that voice inside. I call it the Holy Spirit......

  12. You should always, always listen to your gut. What's the worst that could happen; the people at the Dr.'s offices start calling you the crazy lady who demands to have an ultrasound every other day? I was that lady. I'm sure the nurses and Dr.'s hated me, but I didn't care. And I believe that you are 100% correct in that your baby was a girl and she had Trisonomy 22. She was exactly one half of you - from you - made from you - essentially a part of you. Even if you never laid eyes on her - you would know her immediately, anywhere. You knew her while she grew in your womb. She spoke to you before she even had a mouth to talk with; heaven is just a long-distance phone call. Your daughter will call you often - as will her brother. And don't ever be unsure of whether to tell people that or not. What's the worst that could happen; people will start calling you the crazy lady who thinks people from heaven are talking to her? Well, those people are called assholes and who really cares what an asshole thinks anyways.

  13. Lori, I cannot tell you how much this post struck a nerve with me.
    Throughout my whole pregnancy, I just had this gut feeling that my baby would be too big. My OB laughed at me and many others who would often say... "Oh the scans always say your baby is big, but your baby will probably be normal size"...... Well 1 emergency c-section and a 10lbs 10oz baby later... I learned that my mothers instinct was so right... and it has been so right on many many occasions. Infact, it is very rarely wrong.
    I have also recently learnt that my instinct is also right, even when its not something I want it to be right about.....

    Im so glad to hear you are feeling better. Your stronger than I could ever imagine being.

  14. Thank you for this. I have lost three babies in a row over the the last few years. They all died between 10-12 weeks gestation. No-one can give me answers. We never did any genetic testing. So not only do we not know why, we don't know if the babies were boys or girls. The first one my husband was firm (still is)in his belief that it was a girl. I wasn't as sure. So I prayed. I prayed all the time.One night I heard the name whispered to me. It was a girls name. So I too, now believe it was a girl. The next one I knew the name from the beginning of the pregnancy. The last one I had a few names picked, but until she was born, I wasn't sure which one I'd be using. When I held her in my hand, I knew. I believe in Mother's intuition, gut feelings, whatever you want to call it. Thank you for your blog. You have helped me today, get through what will become a really hard few days. Tomorrow is the anniversary of the day I delivered my last baby. I dread to think that she really was my LAST baby. I had that thought that day as I held her. Ironically, I have yet to get pregnant again. Tomorrow it will be exactly one year. Again thank you. Your words are all perfect.
    May you have a blessed day!