Sunday, April 15, 2012

Who I Am...

Ugly. Ugly. Ugly. Ugly. Ugly. Ugly. Ugly.

I feel hateful. Angry. Mad. Scathing. Infuriated. Sarcastic. Bitter. Accusing. Vengeful.

I cannot believe how much I want to use the "F" word. Throw it at everything and anyone. Shout it at the top of my lungs and hurl it at the world. I detest this word, by the way. Really cannot stand it.

I am trying very hard to bite my tongue because it's just itching to snap. I'm talking super-sharp snapping. Nothing particular, and directed toward no one particular.

Just feel like I have all this venom on my tongue and I'm going to explode if I don't expel it.

But this is NOT who I am.

These are not feelings I like feeling, nor do I want to feel, nor do I believe are what God is having me feel.

I am not hateful. 
I am not vengeful. 
I am not bitter. 
I am not ugly. 

I am grateful. I am blessed. I am hopeful. I am loved. I am overwhelmed with joy. I am amazed at everything Luke does. 

Once again, the sacred has been torn from me and still, I know I am Held. 

I am grateful. 

Grateful. Grateful. Grateful. Grateful. 

THAT'S who I am. 

Sent from my iPhone


  1. We all know you are grateful so it's ok to be all of the ugly stuff right now to get out that negativity. Otherwise you will explode if you don't let it out! Hang in there. Thinking of and praying for you.

  2. I think it would unrealistic and unfair to yourself to not allow yourself to feel this anger! You should be angry!

    One day about 3 years ago, I woke up so angry and wanted to hit something. My hubby held up a pillow and walloped on that pillow for about 15 minutes, all the while with tears streaming down my face. I needed to get my anger out and it feel great...

    I'm always thinking of you and I'm angry and heartbroken for you ((hugs))

  3. oh i understand this.... i REALLY do. He gets it too. i'll bet He's pretty angry at what has been snatched too- he/she was His gift to you.... love you ,love you,love you, love you. wanna come smash some windows with me? :)

  4. It's such a roller coaster in the days and weeks after. I m thinking of you Lori.. sending so much love.
    PS- Go buy glass and china at a thrift store- or walmart- and then smash it to bits. Another BLM did this.. it's that sound of the breaking glass that sometimes we just need to hear.

  5. SO, I wrote exactly what I was feeling on your last post (last night) ... and after a good 30 minutes on my phone doing so, my phone deleted it ... and I said some not very nice stuff to my phone and felt ridiculous, but better (I know, SO NOT even the same as what you are going through, but just wanted to share how insane I was being).
    One of the very good things about our God is that He understands the parallel and is good with us feeling what we need to in order to move towards healing. He gave us emotions for a reason ... feel however you need to. We all know you aren't a rager, but this sucks, HARD ... so ... rage and hit pillows and scream if you want. We won't judge because we know and love you and you've never said anything to me when I've needed to do the same. Love you tons ...

  6. Get it all, dear sister. When we found out Thomas had a fatal diagnosis after losing our girls, I said to my friend, Ginny: "I don't want any flowers...if any one sends me flowers in a pretty vase, I will throw them against the wall and take pleasure from watching them break into a thousand pieces...just like my heart." Or something like that.

    To me...
    You are beautiful.
    You are real.
    You are clinging to the hem of His garment...even still.

    "Once again, the sacred has been torn from me and still, I know I am Held."

    And, are held.

    Much love and continued prayers...

  7. Oh Lori, My heart hurts for you. It really does. Need to expel that anger. Let it out sweet mama.

    I remember being there and oh I have tears thinking about it. I yelled, I screamed.

    I remember just a few days after losing Naomi, I went with my mom to the mall and we had to find something black to wear for me for her funeral. I walked passed those annoying phone guys and he wanted to get my attention and I quickly shot up my middle finger (and that is SO SO SO SO NOT like me) . I just was so VERy angry and upset and just distraught. After a minute or two of walking I told my mom hold on I will be back. I walked back over there and I quickly said "I am sorry I did that. Not like me I lost my daughter.". I felt terrible after doing it but yet I knew it wasnt me.

    I love you Lori. i wish I can truly change everything for you. Dont hold it in mama. Let it go. Yell, scream, cry, use that word, whatever you need to do sweetheart. I am so so sorry.

  8. Oh sweet friend...scream it out. You have the right to scream it out. What happened IS had to say goodbye to sweet Dash, and that is venomous.

    After our ultrasound that told us we would never count Jack and Ethan's 20 fingers and toes, would never see their eyes or hold them in our arms...we walked out of the office in shock. And fortunately in the elevator we were alone because I began punching the walls and screaming. I'm sure the whole building heard me, but I couldn't care less.
    Venom...doesn't even come close to what was coursing through my veins.
    I do remember one moment absolutely losing it in my kitchen and I just started whipping bananas at my cupboards and screaming.

    Then when Zac passed away...I can't even put it in to words. The fury, the confusion, the bitterness...yet still needing to keep it together for the sake of Evan.
    But the first day walking in to my house knowing Zac would never enter our home in his car seat...and we had no idea at that point if we would get to bring Evan home...and then having to pump, alone, in the quiet, with my DOGS watching me...and me bawling and bawling at the insanity of it all.
    Emotions I still can't fully grasp.

    You are allowed to feel everything. You are allowed to want to scream and shout. Your heart is broken, and life changed once again.

    God will hold you. God will carry you. And He will protect you.

    You are so precious. And we are all holding you in prayer.


  9. We've come up with a new subsitute for "F"***.....

    Fudge Crumpet.

  10. Lori,

    I have been struggling too. I sometimes feel like I am watching the world be healed and whole (and some of my best BLM friends too) and I sit here in a different place right now.

    Our culture doesn't allow us to grieve naturally. It is almost forbidden, but when you see other cultures do it and do it LOUD and UNLEASH ~ I have to think that it is so much more valid and healing.

    It is alright to feel what you're feeling. God made us with ALL feelings. He endowed us with each and every one ~ the pleasant and unpleasant. And there is such a thing as righteous anger. Your child has died, you lost a person that is forever part of your family and you were powerless to stop it. How can you feel anything else. It is possible to have two conflicting emotions as well. We have them, you have them. Give yourself permission to say what needs to be said in the safest places. This is your grief and there is not a right way to feel.

  11. When I was younger and wanted to complain (melodramatically, likely) about someone who had done me wrong or whatnot, my mother always cautioned me, "You can say that so-and-so is acting like a jerk. You cannot say that they ARE a jerk." That wisdom has stuck with me (she would be so proud!) and reminds me that a person's current actions and feelings do not always reflect their essence, and you must allow leniency for that when they're being unpleasant. I'm glad that you recognize the difference and can go the route of healthily expressing your entire range of emotions - no matter how ugly you may think they are - without making the leap to thinking you ARE any of the negative things (because you are the farthest thing from being a hateful, vengeful, bitter, or ugly person). Luke will learn this lesson from your example and be the better for it.

  12. Lori, Just wanted to let you know that I am thinking about you and lifting you up with loving thoughts. XOXOXO, J

  13. Lori- you have every right to be angry. Let it all out. I know what it's like to be in that u/s room when your world comes crashing down. I can't even begin to imagine losing your full term baby, you have been through hell. Take your time and do what ever you need to. I like the idea of breaking plates. I have never been good about writing my feelings out and I wish I could, I think it's very healthy. Thinking of you