Wednesday, June 16, 2010

Miney's First OB Visit...

...went very well. (S)he had an ultrasound (Seriously, if I had an extra $8K and a license to use one of those handheld ultrasounds, I'd be ON THAT!) with Dr. Polko and baby was waving!!!! It really is amazing to see the growth in just a few weeks...from a little diamond ring to a little gummi bear to a little gummi bear that waves at me!! Miraculous, pure and simple. The heartbeat was good and strong and all looked great. Miney's measuring maybe a day or two behind, but that doesn't stress me anymore. I'm small and in looking back at most of Matthew's ultrasounds, he was measuring a week or two behind constantly. How that was happening with those long legs of his, I don't know, but he was...and he was perfect, so this little one measuring a day or two off is not a big deal.

I loved seeing this baby wiggle around. I cannot wait until I can feel that wiggling.

I miss Matthew wiggling like that.

It was so bittersweet to see his picture on the wall, but I was glad it was there. He really was a beautiful little boy, if I say so myself.

Seriously, I just wish I had a way to express to the people who take care of me how much I appreciate them and love them. I spent the entire night threading conversation together in my head to have with Dr. Polko as I explained what a basket case I was and solicited suggestions. She anticipated my basket-case-ness and said it was fully expected, but that she was not worried. I used to think that doctors who didn't worry would not necessarily be prepared to react appropriately when the need for worry popped up and have since learned that is NOT the case--they've just learned not to worry until they have to...and then to spring into action with full force. Lessons I need.

We talked about how I really am very, very lucky in my "What ifs?" in that I really only have two--What if I had stayed with the C-section plan and what if we were in a NICU and Matthew could have had a transfusion sooner. She agreed that those were both "what ifs?" they they too have pondered.

No difference...those questions, like so many others I have, are futile.

I'll see them every two weeks and Dr. Sweeney every two weeks and with that schedule, I'll be seeing someone every week. I feel very comfortable with that and will be even more comfortable when the heartbeat is easier to find and I can do it more at home.

She wants me to take care of myself and do things to try and relax me and keep me happy. I think she's worried about depression, and I can see why since I cried and cried there.

I have to say, most days, my life has lots of depression. I am sad. I am heartbroken. I miss my baby and waver back and forth between realizing that this is the cross I have to bear and begging God to let me wake up and this was all a dream. My heart is heavy with grief for the precious little boy I long to hold but never will.

And I know I have to press on. It just takes a lot of energy to do and I've been short on that lately. Dr. Polko's not worried about my weight loss (down to 95--5 pounds lighter since I've gotten pregnant) but said if the nausea got worse, she could always prescribe medicine. I'd really like to stay away from any unnecessary medicine, so as long as she's not worried, I'm not either.

All in all, as lovely a visit as could be. I brought fresh white chocolate chip macadamia cookies but see Dr. Shonekan next time so I'll have to bring something even more chocolatey! All is well with little girl or boy and he or she was moving all around. (Probably wondering why I hadn't eaten breakfast!)

Thank God for the people who take care of us.

23 comments:

  1. continuing to pray for you and Baby!!! :)

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  2. Lori - YAY for a good Miney appointment! Sad for you about the depression, that is so hard, and I know you are pressing on as best you can. It sounds like you in excellent doctor hands. Sure they love you too, what with all the baked treats. Thinking of you and Miney. Love, J

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  3. 1) Missing Matthew with you.
    2) So glad for this positive visit.
    3) Continuing to pray for all good things.

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  4. PICTURES!!!!! WHERE"S THE PICTURES!!!!!!

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  5. So glad you got a good report and got to see your little bit today! Hang in there! Praying for peace for your sweet soul! Hugs

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  6. IIt is hard not to feel depression. How does a mommy NOT feel depressed...we miss our boys.
    It's hard to live between two worlds of sadness in loss and joy in a new pregnancy.
    I'm praying for you!! I walk the same line every day...well, less being pregnant ;) But with Evan and Zac...joy and sorrow are the two lines in my world.

    It sounds like you are in AMAZING hands, and what a true blessing that is!! It can alleviate amounts of what you are going through. Although I remember that each appointment with my OB/Peri...I was just as nervous as the last.

    I'm glad to hear that Miney is doing so well!!! I enjoy hearing about her/his growth and new stages in the u/s's!!

    I cherish each new post you do. Your honesty, your heart, your truth, your "no hold barred" approach...it means a lot to me. Your last couple really had a special place in my heart, and I'm so glad that you shared your heart!

    Hugs to you my friend!!!!

    Heather (heathershope - HP)

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  7. If I had the means to obtain one I'd so have an US machine!! Hey, didn't Tom Cruise buy one or something? Maybe we could borrow his.

    How exciting you saw your little one waving!! It's so neat to see them grow and develop.

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  8. " I used to think that doctors who didn't worry would not necessarily be prepared to react appropriately when the need for worry popped up and have since learned that is NOT the case--they've just learned not to worry until they have to...and then to spring into action with full force. Lessons I need."

    I could not have wrote this better myself!!!!! You are so right!! we do need to learn that. but easier said than done, these are OUR babies that we worry about...they may care about the babies and us too but they still have the dr mentality i wish we did too *sigh*....i love gummie bears new name!! these names are getting cuter and cuter!! im glad that the baby has waved to you...what a blessing Lori!!! xoxo

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  9. Oh Lori, I am so happy to hear that everything is going so well :) God is so good. Pregnancy is never the same after loss as you must balance grief and joy. THinking of you

    xx

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  10. I had the same kind of scheduled appointments too, where I would see one doc every other week and the ultrasound on the opposite week, and it really did help me feel a little more secure in being seen alot more.
    The depression is so hard, I wish I had some wonderful advice, but all I can say is keep working with your therapist, maybe find new ways to help you cope.
    Glad your little Miney is doing well....saying lots and lots of prayers for you! Love and hugs xxx

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  11. I am so glad your appointment went well. Sending you hugs and prayers, and lots of love.

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  12. Was it a queen kind of wave or a football stadium kind of wave? :-)

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  13. So happy for you and sweet Miney :) xxx

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  14. I broke down in my dr's office this week to..She'd been offering to refer us to a counselor, and after the week we had, I finally conceded.

    And I agree with Mala, where are the pictures! So glad you had a good appointment!
    Annie

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  15. I broke down in my dr's office this week to..She'd been offering to refer us to a counselor, and after the week we had, I finally conceded.

    And I agree with Mala, where are the pictures! So glad you had a good appointment!
    Annie

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  16. Hooray on a good visit! And a little wave, how sweet!

    I did the every other week with both docs until 26 weeks, I loved it! (mine wasn't fertility, mine was regular OB & high risk OB). They really do good at easing our minds by catering to our craziness.

    (((hugs))) and prayers continuing for peace for you, Lori.

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  17. Praising the Lord for such a wonderful report!!! {hug}

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  18. You are always in my thoughts.

    How could you stomach making cookies with nausea?

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  19. go go grow baby miney! so glad that s(he) is perking along so beautifully...

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  20. I'm so happy for you, Lori! So glad you got a nice wave!!

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  21. Thinking of you A LOT lately. So glad to read this ... grow baby, grow!

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  22. Definitely would have an US machine if we could too. I am glad that the appointment went well and (s)he is doing well.

    I love white chocolate chip macadamia nut cookies yum! I bet they appreciate them very much :) When I worked at the nursing home we loved getting goodies. Who am I kidding we love to get goodies where I work now :)

    I think you are doing a phenomenal job with everything!

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