Miney's First OB Visit...

...went very well. (S)he had an ultrasound (Seriously, if I had an extra $8K and a license to use one of those handheld ultrasounds, I'd be ON THAT!) with Dr. Polko and baby was waving!!!! It really is amazing to see the growth in just a few weeks...from a little diamond ring to a little gummi bear to a little gummi bear that waves at me!! Miraculous, pure and simple. The heartbeat was good and strong and all looked great. Miney's measuring maybe a day or two behind, but that doesn't stress me anymore. I'm small and in looking back at most of Matthew's ultrasounds, he was measuring a week or two behind constantly. How that was happening with those long legs of his, I don't know, but he was...and he was perfect, so this little one measuring a day or two off is not a big deal.

I loved seeing this baby wiggle around. I cannot wait until I can feel that wiggling.

I miss Matthew wiggling like that.

It was so bittersweet to see his picture on the wall, but I was glad it was there. He really was a beautiful little boy, if I say so myself.

Seriously, I just wish I had a way to express to the people who take care of me how much I appreciate them and love them. I spent the entire night threading conversation together in my head to have with Dr. Polko as I explained what a basket case I was and solicited suggestions. She anticipated my basket-case-ness and said it was fully expected, but that she was not worried. I used to think that doctors who didn't worry would not necessarily be prepared to react appropriately when the need for worry popped up and have since learned that is NOT the case--they've just learned not to worry until they have to...and then to spring into action with full force. Lessons I need.

We talked about how I really am very, very lucky in my "What ifs?" in that I really only have two--What if I had stayed with the C-section plan and what if we were in a NICU and Matthew could have had a transfusion sooner. She agreed that those were both "what ifs?" they they too have pondered.

No difference...those questions, like so many others I have, are futile.

I'll see them every two weeks and Dr. Sweeney every two weeks and with that schedule, I'll be seeing someone every week. I feel very comfortable with that and will be even more comfortable when the heartbeat is easier to find and I can do it more at home.

She wants me to take care of myself and do things to try and relax me and keep me happy. I think she's worried about depression, and I can see why since I cried and cried there.

I have to say, most days, my life has lots of depression. I am sad. I am heartbroken. I miss my baby and waver back and forth between realizing that this is the cross I have to bear and begging God to let me wake up and this was all a dream. My heart is heavy with grief for the precious little boy I long to hold but never will.

And I know I have to press on. It just takes a lot of energy to do and I've been short on that lately. Dr. Polko's not worried about my weight loss (down to 95--5 pounds lighter since I've gotten pregnant) but said if the nausea got worse, she could always prescribe medicine. I'd really like to stay away from any unnecessary medicine, so as long as she's not worried, I'm not either.

All in all, as lovely a visit as could be. I brought fresh white chocolate chip macadamia cookies but see Dr. Shonekan next time so I'll have to bring something even more chocolatey! All is well with little girl or boy and he or she was moving all around. (Probably wondering why I hadn't eaten breakfast!)

Thank God for the people who take care of us.

Miney's Nine(y) Weeks....

For 38 weeks and 4 days, I lived for Thursdays. Thursday was a new week, Matthew was doing something new and great and I loved every new Thursday. During the last 5 weeks of my pregnancy with him, I loved Mondays and Thursdays--Mondays were our visit with Dr. Sweeney (pictures and hearing he looked like a million bucks!!!!) and Thursdays were with Drs. Shonekan or Polko (hearing he was nice and comfy and planning on December, oy!). Mondays and Thursdays made the weeks go by faster and I was just so excited and SO ready to meet that precious boy!

I look back at this time last year with Matthew and am just so wistful. It was our first OB appointment and even then, I was pretty sure it was a c-section for me. Why, why, WHY didn't I trust MY gut? Why didn't I trust MY instincts? Even if they were for TOTALLY different reasons, why didn't I stick to my guns???? In that post, I went on and on about how *I* was the most important person on Team Baby and while I'd certainly take all expert advice and suggestions into great consideration, ultimate decisions would be mine.

And I caved. And he's dead. And I just have to let that go.

Working on that.

ANYWAY--so Miney was 9 weeks yesterday and tomorrow is his or her first appointment with Dr. Polko. I haven't seen her since our post-partum on January 17. It was very, very hard--but she was so wonderful--compassionate and caring and taking Matthew's picture for her wall and giving us his baby spoon. I know tomorrow will be emotional.

I've decided that Dr. Sweeney and his office need brownies or some other baked goods more often than every other week. Which is code for, "I need more reassurance than an ultrasound every two weeks." I may be cashing in on all the offers to help me with anything or keep me company on those trips to Annapolis because I just need the reassurance. I've been having some cramping for the past few days that I am sure is nothing but growth, but I am still a bit worried. I also am continuing to lose weight...at this time with Matthew, I was VISIBLY pregnant and this is my second with still VERY relaxed stomach muscles and nada.

They say call your doctor if there's severe cramping, bleeding or concern that doesn't abate.

Ummmm, I'd be calling the doctor every day. The concern does NOT ever abate. Even in my dreams (which seem to have some sort of miscarrying event at least 3 times a week), the concern is there and vivid.

In any event, I keep my mantra--"This one, she will keep," on repeat in my head and am glad to see the doctor tomorrow. Hoping her doppler will pick up the heartbeat as mine is not yet. Then 5 days later, we see Dr. Sweeney and I will feel MUCH better with pictures and hearing the heartbeat!

ADDED ABOUT 20 MINUTES AFTER I POSTED THIS: Last night, John and I tried to use the doppler. It was very staticky and didn't pick anything up, really...not even me. It was sketchy to say the least, though for about 15 seconds, we thought we caught it and it was around 163.

So, after I posted the above (and below), I decided to see if my full bladder would help make it easier to hear. I tried to look for it in the same spot as last night and today was much better. I'm 99.9% I heard it, though it was hard to find and didn't stay long. It's behind my woosh-woosh-woosh, but definitely a faster little pattern--like a little train trucking along!!

SERIOUSLY, HUGE shout-out to Hi-bebe 2000!!! YOU ROCK!

Here's the 411 on what's going on with Little Bit right now:

	Week 9: Fingers and Toes form
	You are in week nine of pregnancy. (seven weeks from conception) The embryo has grown to measure 30 mm (1.2 inches) in length. The fingers and toes are well defined. Cartilage and bones begin to form. The upper lip as well as the nose tip is being formed. The tongue begins to develop and the larynx is developing. The eyelids are developed, although they stay closed for several months. The main construction of the heart is complete. During this week of pregnancy your baby is now swimming round in a little bag of fluid. The arms and legs have lengthened. They fingers and toes are forming, but are still joined by webs of skin. They can flex their elbows and wrists. They are growing eyelids as well as forming their anus. The embryo is protected by the amniotic sac that is filled with fluid. Inside the embryo swims and moves gracefully. The embryo is now about 1 inch long. During this time of development, the baby's head appears much larger than the body because the brain is growing very rapidly. Brain waves can now be measured. The main construction of the heart is complete. Through its parchment thin skin, the baby's veins are clearly visible. During this week the ears, the teeth and the palate are continuing to form.

Our First OB appointment...

....was this morning, again with Dr. Davis. I like him a lot. He is friendly and personable, straightforward and forward-thinking. He recognizes that we have been through a lot to get to this point and respects us for being so mission-oriented. I had my list of questions and he was glad to see the notebook, even encouraged me to ask him the same questions again in a few months to check his consistency. A man after my own heart.

So...I'll see one of the three doctors about once a month, until about 30 weeks. Then I'll see one of them every other week until week 36 and then once a week from week 36 to delivery. We have first trimester screening on May 11 in Annapolis, where I should get another ultrasound, and he said they may even have me come back a few weeks later for another one in case some things they are looking for haven't yet developed. Then I will have an ultrasound between weeks 18-20 and that's all we'll see baby until he debuts. Unless there is a problem, which, much as I love the ultrasounds for peace of mind, I'd rather not have them if that meant all was well. We'll probably opt once, later, for the 4-d ultrasound--there's a place in Bowie that does them.

He's fine with me taking the acidopholus and Omega-3 supplements (of anchovies and sardines, no mercury) but would rather I take more of my asthma medicine. Obviously he is concerned about baby getting enough oxygen, and though there are far more instances now where I am out of breath easier, if I sit a minute and gather myself, I'm ok. I WILL take the albuterol if I am having an attack, as no breathing for me is really bad for baby, but otherwise, I am staying away from the class C drugs. He's ok with that decision as well.

He considers all pregnancies high-risk (love that) but doesn't see too much abnormal with me. The cyst? His opinion (a little less concerned than I'd like, but oh well) is "So what if it grows? We'd just have to operate, which we obviously wouldn't do."

"What if it ruptures?" I asked. His response? "Well, there'll be some pain and we'll deal with it." Oh. How easily that rolled off his tongue. I found out that the cyst is nearly as big as the baby! At this point, no one seems worried, but you better believe *I'm* on it. He also isn't concerned about the cramping (very little and more when I strain or cough) where my ovaries are. Normal, he says. Okay, he's the doctor, so for now I'll go for that.

As for the Cesarean...he didn't even want to talk about it since we are obviously way down the road. Let me preface this next part with the following: PLEASE don't email me or tell me that you think I am nuts because I want a cesarean delivery. A) I'm not SURE I want it, though I'm leaning that way and B) It's MY choice. Period. Yes, I know women have been birthing babies for thousands of years, yada yada...Great. MY bottom line is that I know my body better than ANYONE and I'm smart enough to make my own decisions based on my own research. I realize there are pros and cons to EVERYTHING...including getting pregnant in the first place...and I am entitled to my opinion and my desires. I'm not even 5 feet and I have the hips and pelvic bones of a 14 year old girl. Let's just be honest when we say that for me, a vaginal delivery may be a little more complicated than the average woman. Yes, I know little women (and 14 year old girls) deliver all the time, but I PASS out from straining. Yes, PASS OUT. I know too many women who tried to deliver vaginally and then ended up not being able to and if that is what is going to end up happening to me (and I have a strong suspicion since my mom had to have both my sister and brother cesarean and my sister had to have both my niece and nephew cesarean--none of us are/were big women) then I'd like to circumvent that from the get-go.

In any event, Dr. Davis and I (more me) agreed to 'revisit' that topic later. We will, trust me.

John liked Dr. Davis because he said he challenges me. I'm not sure that's a great reason to like your doctor because you'd hope you are on the same team. I like Dr. Davis because he's knowledgeable and respectful and has seen ALL of this--before Shady Grove even--as a mission to bring a healthy little one into our household. I'm ALL about that, so it's obvious we are on the same team. Make no mistake, though, friends. I am NOT a stupid woman and I do not make decisions lightly. The bottom line is that there's ONE MAIN player on Team Baby right now. That's ME. My first priority is to make sure I am healthy and comfortable so BABY is healthy and comfortable. I will not do anything that *I* think would jeopardize this baby--including taking my asthma medicine more like my doctor would like me to. I realize and acknowledge his expertise, and wouldn't be going to him if I felt it wasn't exactly what I needed with regard to Obstetrics care. It's his expertise that I refer to when making decisions and following directions.

But don't forget...I never, ever, EVER said my world would be over if I was never pregnant. If I was never a MOTHER, well, that's a different story. But pregnancy for me is the means to the end--a sweet little one to mother. I'm certainly enjoying all the neat and fun stuff that goes along with it, but I am NOT the gal that thinks we should frame the placenta or thinks that childbirth will be the most beautiful and meaningful process I'll ever be witness to. John keeps asking if I want pictures of my stomach growing. Is he nuts? WHY on earth do I want pictures of my bulgy, weird looking body? And I sure as heck am NOT going to want the whole thing taped or photographed. Ever watch A Baby Story? CHILDBIRTH IS GROSS. Thank you, but NO to the historical archiving of me pooping on a table in front of 5-7 of various people. I think I'll be just fine WITHOUT the memories of the gore.

Gone may be the days where you just walked in, they put you to sleep and you woke up with your baby, but as close to that as possible is exactly what I'd like the doctor to order.

Our little Gummi Bear!

Today we officially graduated from Shady Grove Fertility Clinic. We went for our 8 week ultrasound and it was amazing. I cried even more this time. I was just not prepared for what I saw--in just two weeks, baby has gone from this little jelly-bean looking itty-bitty thing to a true Ennis--big head and all! I couldn't believe how much he had changed, and how so very human looking he was. The heart rate was 162, fabulous. The doctor said I was measuring about 8.5-9 weeks (yep, 8 weeks and 3 days!) and all looked great. I asked about my ovaries being swollen still (they STILL hurt, one side more than the other) and he said they weren't too bad but I did have a small cyst on my right ovary.

"Cyst?" I asked him?

"Oh, it's probably nothing," he said. "I know you had some cysts before, but it's probably nothing. It could be your corpus luteum."

"If it's not? What could it be?"
"Uh, I don't like to talk about the 'what-ifs'."

"Yeah, well, since you brought it up, how about lets?"

John told him he didn't realize who he was dealing with (it wasn't our regular doctor) and the end result was the mental note to make sure my Ob-Gyn monitors the heck out of it. At that point, the doctor seemed uneasy with my drilling him and hightailed it outta there. That's ok, because all that was left were the final parting words from Joyce the nurse.

After all the funny (though costly) jokes were made about how we were successful on the first try (STILL don't know how) and have just given dear Dr. Kipersztock a hefty little bonus for doing so, Joyce sent us off with our framed picture, some more medicine information (Vagi-pops down to once a day! Yippee!) and a referral for a maternal care specialist since I am OLD. (Okay, I remember when I was younger that 36 sounded ancient, but now that I am here, I'm getting pretty tired of people telling me that I am sooooooooo maternally old....way to give a gal a(nother) complex!)

So, now our little fishie-jelly bean looks like a little a sweet little Gummi Bear and we couldn't be more proud!