Saturday, June 26, 2010

Time... a really funny thing...always has been. When you are a child, you cannot WAIT until you 'grow up' and get big enough... ride a bike ride in the front seat go to school ride that roller coaster watch that tv show work drive get out of school get a real job get married

And it seems like the time in between those things happening just draaaagggs.

Until they happen. And then you look at them and wonder how in THE WORLD so much time in your life has passed???

It's with that same wonder that I think of today and realize that it's been 30 weeks since Matthew was born. Monday will be the 7-month marker.

How is it possible that so much time has passed? How is it possible that so many changes in my life have happened in that time?

How is it possible that people can believe that I would have moved on by now?

Every doctor and nurse I know is very (sweetly) apt to remind me that I am technically considered post-partum for a year...that I need to be gentle with my body and that healing will take a good year, if not more to be accomplished.

And yet, I had a precious human being--a miracle that I loved more than life itself--ripped from my body and was NEVER able to hold and in 7 months or less, I'm supposed to be over that? Moved on so I don't somehow dishonor or disrespect my second child?


That math doesn't make sense to me. Yes, "life goes on"...but grief lasts awhile.

But no matter...

I've really, really, REALLY tried to hold my tongue in words these last few days.

I absolutely will pop, though, if I don't write a few things.

Most importantly, (and thank you, A, for allowing me to, in a round about way, remember this!) I want to reiterate my original purpose in writing on a blog.

My mother died 7 years ago, and far too prematurely. I miss her every day. About 3 years or so ago, I was really missing her and decided to Google her name. She wrote various things, and I thought maybe I could stumble across something new and that would make me feel close to her that night.

Imagine my surprise and joy when I found a blog SHE had kept!!!! I had no idea! It was seriously one of the best presents I had ever, ever received and I wished there was more! Truly, a gift of God.

So, when we decided to adopt, I again googled and came across several blogs of others who had adopted or were in the process. I thought, "Well...maybe I should start something--I know nothing about adoption and this will be a great way to network. PLUS, I will be able to leave with my child one day a better way to know her mother."

And Lori Does Maryland was born. I really, really cherished just the ordinary and mundane things my mother had written (along with her wonderful and precious thoughts on family and life) and thought that maybe one day, my little girl might appreciate that in me. At the time, I guess I planned to just network some and print out various posts for later reference.

Then I found out about Blurb (it was either Maria or Mala, I think, if I remember correctly) and was PSYCHED!!! I could just upload my writing and pictures at the end of each year, and voila! A semi-yearbook for my little one, with little work on my part involved!

Of course, it grew. Things changed, plans changed and I still chronicled life because some day, by golly, a child of mine was going to read about it.

And I admit it--I met a lot of really wonderful people in doing so. I enjoy the interactions and I really enjoy the prayers and support. I'd be lying if I said I didn't.

So, all in all--a win-win. A way for my child to know my heart and mind and a way for me to enrich my life with new people, encouragement and support.

I'm not really sure why others start blogs but it makes no difference...they are, for whatever reasons, putting their thoughts out in writing. In their own space and requiring NO ONE to read them.

I'm really, really humbled that there are over 100 people who have chosen to 'follow' what I write, but please remember I wrote when no one followed...and still would.

Last I checked, there was no sure-fire way to make people read, save a gun to their head. And that's not my cup of tea.

Nor am I required to read others' when I do, if I disagree or don't like what's written, I leave. Simple as that.

I have to admit that I have really been praying that God would just take the anger out of my heart right now. I'd like to be praying for Ms. Anonymous more, but I can't because I am too angry and need to work on that more.

Several have written me and said that maybe she meant well.

Maybe she did, but frankly, I'm getting a little bit tired of always trying to see that angle in people so that their comments don't hurt me as much.

And honestly, I don't see any way telling me I enjoy being depressed because I like the attention could be well-intended. Nor do I see how telling me that it seems like it is all about me could be well-intended. For the record, as per the title, it IS all about me. And my life. And my husband. And my children. And my thoughts. And my words. Just saying.

Regardless...there's a lot more I'd like to say, but I know I'm angry and don't want to.

I DO want to say, though, to MY CHILD, that you will forever be the brother or sister to my sweet son Matthew. Your father and I made such heartfelt pleas for you both. We begged God to bring you into our lives, just as we begged to Him to bring Matthew into our lives.

And you WILL hear me compare you because you are SIBLINGS. Just like your aunts compare similarities and differences (even with pregnancies) with your cousins, so will your parents with you and your brother.

But make no mistake--those comparisons do not mean you are any less loved for the unique and amazing God-given characteristics and qualities that make you YOU. You are precious in our sight for all that YOU are and will be...and we have so much hope and joy in the thought of you being born in a little over 27 weeks. (God willing.)

Why am I not allowed to compare the genetic or otherwise attributes and qualities of my children simply because one of them is dead? Does the death of my child take those rights away from me?

I'd bet I'd be hard-pressed to find the mother who doesn't or hasn't. "Clark loved peas when he was a baby but Sarah won't have anything to do with them!"

It's as simple as that and no deeper (I wish you were your brother) message intended.

I did finally block anonymous comments. I hate that I had to do that because really, I know how sometimes you want to leave a little comment or something and you either aren't signed in or don't want to or have the time or whatever...and feel like I really shouldn't have to.

But, since I have enough on my plate as it is, the last thing I need is to have more things that upset me.

I'm pretty much an open book, though, and very easy to reach with email (Contact Me or if you want to say something to me.

All I ask is that if you do, please don't presume to know anything about me just because you read some of my honest and sincere thoughts. I promise you, even my words on this blog are just a small, small portion of what goes on in my head. And in my life.

Sweet little MJ or SL, you are so precious in our hearts. It is because of the depth of love for your brother we have that we so eagerly anticipate your birth and life to raise. You are our new hope and our new dreams and will never be anything less than an amazing rainbow after the storm for us. I know that as you grow and learn about how much your brother is loved, you will know just how intense our love for you already is and always will be.


  1. You have every right to compare you children, just as any mother would do. I'm constantly comparing my pregnancies - it's only natural! Plus being that it hasn't been very long since either of us were pregnant, our last pregnancies are very fresh in our minds, so its only natural to compare the two in detail! Those people who act like you are doing your new baby a disservice by still grieving and spending time focusing on your Matthew don't know anything. He is your child, too. Always will be.

  2. You're still being such a bigger person Lori! I'm glad you took anonymous off, just to avoid people like that. And I agree too. Comparing is just what we do with our children, and not in a hurtful way. I always look at Bubby and think how much he looks like Jenna. And in some ways he doesn't. I love them both unconditionally.

    I love that you started your blog for your children to read one day. How special that you found your mother's blog!!! That is just so awesome! I hope one day my children will want to read my blogs too.


  3. Prayers, as always. And just so you know, I started a blog because I couldn't figure out how to leave a comment on YOUR blog without creating a blog! That was a year ago.

  4. What a wonderful thing to leave for your children!! I'm so sorry that annonymous was so insensitive and rude!! I think Satan tries to use those things to stir us up but your doing great keeping it positive and I'm sure he hates it!!

  5. My Precious Friend,

    I said it once and I will say it again, preaching as loud as I can....

    NO ONE can tell someone how to GRIEVE! As There are NO TIME limitations! NO outline and NO Rules!

    Blogs should be respected as PRIVATE spaces that we lovingly allow others to visit in an effort to heal ourselves and perhaps anothers heart that is healing in the same way.


    You have never solicited ADVICE! I stand by what I said before, it takes a coward to leave such insensitive comments and hide behind the mask. This person does not genuinely care about you or he/she would have approaced the situation differently. And, I go back to the "right to grieve on your own terms". Lori, you OWN that right! I believe you will always grieve for Matthew. My best friend has been in Heaven for 20 years and her mother still grieves for her. It's that bond between Mother and child...just like you still grieve for your own Mother. I'm just saddened that someone felt the need to come here, your personal space, and upset you. I find it appauling!

    Rise above this sweet friend...venting is good!

    Now, you keep writing and I'm going to keep reading :)

    Much love to you always and I'm so sorry that you are hurting. I'm here if you need me.


  6. Lori~~~~~~~~~~~~ OH MY GOSH! I just read the last few posts and is this anonymous person floating all over the place dripping venom? Come ON! I don't believe for one second that that person "knows" what we are going through...but to pretend they do so that they have some sort of 'right' to compare or spew their garbage is just awful!

    How anyone can think that a mother can love one child more than another, or NOT compare children, pregnancies, notice differences or similarities {that is just silly}. It is how a mother begins to bond with her baby. We cannot see or even feel them for so many weeks, we have to begin wondering, dreaming, comparing, hoping because we are falling IN LOVE with this precious new being!

    As for all the crap that people feel so free to say while hiding behind anonymity ~ well, they are cowards ~ PERIOD! There is always someone who needs to feel self righteous and powerful by putting another down. And in my book, you can't stoop much further than trying to hurt a mother who has lost a child.

    Maryland is not that far from CT. Maybe the next time we go to my sister in laws (Westminster, MD) I will tell you and we can both have that GIANT chocolate sundae you mentioned on my blog.

    Thanks for the support by the way!

  7. Beautifully written! I am glad you are protecting your self by blocking anonymous because you do NOT deserve to be hurt that way! Love you!!!

  8. Love and prayers for you...I'm so sorry that someone was unkind to you. It is very natural to compare your children. I do it all the time...not in a negative way...just in a motherly observation way.

    And...grief takes a long time! Yours is still quite fresh...your heart will forever be changed. And although there is hope and healing, there will be moments when grief washes afresh over you at will...and there will always be a missing piece of your heart for your precious child.

    Praying for you as you continue to walk this path...that you would feel the comfort of His love as you rest in His grace...

  9. I started mine for my babes as well. I don't remember much from my childhood and I wanted my kids to know things about them and us and the world they grew up in. My husband thinks it's so cool that he can look back on whatever date he wants and see exactly what was happening. So special. You are such a wonderful and thoughtful mother and you will always be able to look back over both pregnancies with such a lovely recollection of events and feelings. I love looking back on things you wrote about and to Matthew ... there is pure excitement, joy, thankfulness ... so obvious and so fierce in the reality of it and THAT is an amazing testament to everyone just how fiercly you both love THIS child and what, (no matter what comes in the next 27ish weeks) s/he will have spoken over them through it. Your heart, as much as you can write, is written out for them forever. There can never be ANY doubt to the lengths you will go to love them AND to grieve Matthew. Go as far and as deep as you need to to grieve that sweet boy. Because, for the rest of your life, you will mourn that priceless life, and will celebrate it too. What a beautiful thing that a mother would be so willing to forever put herself in physical and emotional pain just to fully mourn her child? Speaks volumes to me at what he means to you. Forever. I tell both my girls, "you're mama's whole heart." And they both are. Each has my entire heart ... because God gave me another when Jillian was born. One to know HER uniquely and love HER uniquely. Not more ... not in competition, but uniquely. She needs and wants in different ways than Jonah ... and I love that. You are so wonderful and I just wanted to say thanks for letting us all come along and read your beautiful thoughts.

  10. I am here for ICLW. This is a very well written and thought out post. It is amazing how small minded people can be.

  11. I've never really thought of my blog like that, but that's so true. My father died when I was 14 and I really wish he had written a diary or something that I could have read, so I'd know him better.
    I compare this pregnancy to my pregnancy with Wyatt all the time. I think it freaks some people out, but I ignore them.
    That was a great post.

  12. weeeeeeeeell said my friend!

    of COURSE you compare your kids?!?! it's what helps us appreciate each life for the unique individual that it is! if EVERYBODY loved legos, then who would love art? this world would be boring if we couldn't appreciate the differences of our kids.

    and you are so right. this blog IS all about you. of course that's what you talk about?!?! duh! a blog is just an accessible diary?!??! who's diary is about someone else???

    glad you disabled the anonymous option.

    i'm tempted to do the same.

    this amazing little rainbow will never doubt that he/she is loved for the precious child that he/she is. and he/she will grow up loving her big brother so much. because her parents have so much love to give.

    rant and rave away:) i'm always telling my hubby i have to "face it to deal with it, and it ain't always pretty!"

    this is your journey, your grief, your precious children... no one can tell you what to do!

    i'm so glad you've found your mother's blog. what a gift!!!! i wish she were here to comfort you right now but i'm sure she would be so proud of the woman you are. mother's are gifted with that precious unconditional love.... just as you have for your babies.


  13. Lori,
    Sending you lots of love and hugs. For me your blog is honest and encouraging and real. You at times write what i feel when i can't. We are human, we still have worries, concerns, want's needs and fears. It's when we stop feeling all those things that worry should come into play. To live life numb and void of any emontion is a sad life to live. So continue to be who you are and maybe annonymous should check themselves before pointing fingers at you. Hugs and love to you ;0)

  14. So, I had to go back to read Anon's comment...Ugh, I love when people say "they know how you feel" and then tell you how to feel...gotta love it! *sarcasm*

    Lily has been gone almost 2 years and although time has made it easier to breathe there are still days where I feel like my heart is stuck. I've gone on to have my precious rainbow and there are still days where I think "only if..."

    You're doing a wonderful job being a mommy to Matthew and navigating your ways through a rainbow pregnancy...some people expect you to just instantly become "better" once you're pregnant again but it doesn't work that emotions pop up...

    ((HUGS)) I don't blame you for blocking anon comments...I can't believe I've gone almost 2 years without one...knocking on virtual wood as I type...

  15. I don't know that I've ever commented before here, and not really sure why I have not "followed" until now, but here I am. :) I love that you found your moms blog, that gave me chills to imagine, what a wonderful gift.

    And I must say that we are getting ready to foster to adopt..hopefully adopt soon, but I just can't imagine ever treating a child as though they are ever more wanted than Cayden or Ella even..Every child is a miracle, and I know people take them for granted, and assume everything just turns out 'happily ever after'..and unless you've lost a child, you just have no clue of this pain.. and even if you have lost one, everyones grief is different, so to tell you how to feel, grieve, etc etc is ridiculous..I think sometimes just a good ol' honest post to get everything out in the open is necessary.. and good for you for blocking anon comments..

    anyway..this turned into a rant :) I just wanted to say hello and good for you! haha..

  16. Wow, what an amazing gift to be able to read your mom's everyday thoughts. I can't imagine how wonderful that was.

  17. Lori, I compared my kids too...wanted to see that special characteristic before they were born. Ethan still crosses his feet like in the U/S, but sadly, I didn't ever learn what Julia's was.

    Happy seven months to Matthew today. :) Many hugs!!

  18. Im glad you took anon posters rights away...they are cowards unless they show a link to their life and sign their name. Eff them! Here for you with open arms always, Nan xxx

  19. In the Philippines we wear black for a year so that everyone knows we are grieving a loss and its allowed.

    In that tradition I am taking a year to fully grieve Lilly and then I will move forward. I will always allow each emotion to come as it may and I think there is nothing wrong with that.

    I do not feel you are in any way selfish or taking away from either of your children. Each child is loved by you equally I can feel that through your heartfelt words.

    You have every right to feel how you feel and to grieve how you see fit to grieve.

    I do not at all feel like you are enjoying being depressed if that were the case you would not have made so many positive posts. And it is ok if you feel sad from time to time, would anyone expect less of a grieving parent?

    You have the same rights as any other mother with all her living children. Your are a mother and deserve the same rights as all mothers deserve.

    many many hugs