...is a really funny thing...always has been. When you are a child, you cannot WAIT until you 'grow up' and get big enough...
...to ride a bike
...to ride in the front seat
...to go to school
...to ride that roller coaster
...to watch that tv show
...to get out of school
...to get a real job
...to get married
And it seems like the time in between those things happening just draaaagggs.
Until they happen. And then you look at them and wonder how in THE WORLD so much time in your life has passed???
It's with that same wonder that I think of today and realize that it's been 30 weeks since Matthew was born. Monday will be the 7-month marker.
How is it possible that so much time has passed? How is it possible that so many changes in my life have happened in that time?
How is it possible that people can believe that I would have moved on by now?
Every doctor and nurse I know is very (sweetly) apt to remind me that I am technically considered post-partum for a year...that I need to be gentle with my body and that healing will take a good year, if not more to be accomplished.
And yet, I had a precious human being--a miracle that I loved more than life itself--ripped from my body and was NEVER able to hold and in 7 months or less, I'm supposed to be over that? Moved on so I don't somehow dishonor or disrespect my second child?
That math doesn't make sense to me. Yes, "life goes on"...but grief lasts awhile.
But no matter...
I've really, really, REALLY tried to hold my tongue in words these last few days.
I absolutely will pop, though, if I don't write a few things.
Most importantly, (and thank you, A, for allowing me to, in a round about way, remember this!) I want to reiterate my original purpose in writing on a blog.
My mother died 7 years ago, and far too prematurely. I miss her every day. About 3 years or so ago, I was really missing her and decided to Google her name. She wrote various things, and I thought maybe I could stumble across something new and that would make me feel close to her that night.
Imagine my surprise and joy when I found a blog SHE had kept!!!! I had no idea! It was seriously one of the best presents I had ever, ever received and I wished there was more! Truly, a gift of God.
So, when we decided to adopt, I again googled and came across several blogs of others who had adopted or were in the process. I thought, "Well...maybe I should start something--I know nothing about adoption and this will be a great way to network. PLUS, I will be able to leave with my child one day a better way to know her mother."
And Lori Does Maryland was born. I really, really cherished just the ordinary and mundane things my mother had written (along with her wonderful and precious thoughts on family and life) and thought that maybe one day, my little girl might appreciate that in me. At the time, I guess I planned to just network some and print out various posts for later reference.
Then I found out about Blurb (it was either Maria or Mala, I think, if I remember correctly) and was PSYCHED!!! I could just upload my writing and pictures at the end of each year, and voila! A semi-yearbook for my little one, with little work on my part involved!
Of course, it morphed...it grew. Things changed, plans changed and I still chronicled life because some day, by golly, a child of mine was going to read about it.
And I admit it--I met a lot of really wonderful people in doing so. I enjoy the interactions and I really enjoy the prayers and support. I'd be lying if I said I didn't.
So, all in all--a win-win. A way for my child to know my heart and mind and a way for me to enrich my life with new people, encouragement and support.
I'm not really sure why others start blogs but it makes no difference...they are, for whatever reasons, putting their thoughts out in writing. In their own space and requiring NO ONE to read them.
I'm really, really humbled that there are over 100 people who have chosen to 'follow' what I write, but please remember I wrote when no one followed...and still would.
Last I checked, there was no sure-fire way to make people read, save a gun to their head. And that's not my cup of tea.
Nor am I required to read others' blogs...so when I do, if I disagree or don't like what's written, I leave. Simple as that.
I have to admit that I have really been praying that God would just take the anger out of my heart right now. I'd like to be praying for Ms. Anonymous more, but I can't because I am too angry and need to work on that more.
Several have written me and said that maybe she meant well.
Maybe she did, but frankly, I'm getting a little bit tired of always trying to see that angle in people so that their comments don't hurt me as much.
And honestly, I don't see any way telling me I enjoy being depressed because I like the attention could be well-intended. Nor do I see how telling me that it seems like it is all about me could be well-intended. For the record, as per the title, it IS all about me. And my life. And my husband. And my children. And my thoughts. And my words. Just saying.
Regardless...there's a lot more I'd like to say, but I know I'm angry and don't want to.
I DO want to say, though, to MY CHILD, that you will forever be the brother or sister to my sweet son Matthew. Your father and I made such heartfelt pleas for you both. We begged God to bring you into our lives, just as we begged to Him to bring Matthew into our lives.
And you WILL hear me compare you because you are SIBLINGS. Just like your aunts compare similarities and differences (even with pregnancies) with your cousins, so will your parents with you and your brother.
But make no mistake--those comparisons do not mean you are any less loved for the unique and amazing God-given characteristics and qualities that make you YOU. You are precious in our sight for all that YOU are and will be...and we have so much hope and joy in the thought of you being born in a little over 27 weeks. (God willing.)
Why am I not allowed to compare the genetic or otherwise attributes and qualities of my children simply because one of them is dead? Does the death of my child take those rights away from me?
I'd bet I'd be hard-pressed to find the mother who doesn't or hasn't. "Clark loved peas when he was a baby but Sarah won't have anything to do with them!"
It's as simple as that and no deeper (I wish you were your brother) message intended.
I did finally block anonymous comments. I hate that I had to do that because really, I know how sometimes you want to leave a little comment or something and you either aren't signed in or don't want to or have the time or whatever...and feel like I really shouldn't have to.
But, since I have enough on my plate as it is, the last thing I need is to have more things that upset me.
I'm pretty much an open book, though, and very easy to reach with email (Contact Me or firstname.lastname@example.org) if you want to say something to me.
All I ask is that if you do, please don't presume to know anything about me just because you read some of my honest and sincere thoughts. I promise you, even my words on this blog are just a small, small portion of what goes on in my head. And in my life.
Sweet little MJ or SL, you are so precious in our hearts. It is because of the depth of love for your brother we have that we so eagerly anticipate your birth and life to raise. You are our new hope and our new dreams and will never be anything less than an amazing rainbow after the storm for us. I know that as you grow and learn about how much your brother is loved, you will know just how intense our love for you already is and always will be.