So, my self-imposed Google ban is doing well. I'm Googling less and less and that's just fine with me. My own life is a perfect case study of what every pregnant woman fears--no problems, no warning...no baby.
Add in the million and seven other things I now know can happen (and too, too many of them without ANY REASON at all) and the last thing I need is Google to give me more.
I have been feeling really icky. (Please, by the way, do not feel the need to tell me how that is wonderful for the baby--Matthew was PERFECT and I was not sick at all...had tons of energy and some minor food aversion, but that was it...sickness does NOT always mean things are fabulous with the baby. I don't believe in any of the old wives' tales--mainly because Matthew defied them all!)
Flu-like. I can totally get how people don't know they are pregnant for a while and just feel like it's the flu--all day for lots of days! That's how this is...no energy to do anything but nothing makes it better. John is sweet and tells me just to rest and relax, but honestly, laying around is just as nauseating and uncomfortable. I go back and forth between freezing and roasting, wanting to vomit and being ravenous, chills and aches to wanting to garden.
I know...classic pregnancy symptoms and I am grateful for them.
Just very different from Matthew.
So, as I'm pretty much sofa bound for much of the day, and on my Google ban, once I catch up with blogs (and even that I have to sort of limit because every day it seems like there is a new something that breaks my heart), I try to indulge in 'normal' pregnancy things.
Which feels weird, since I was just doing this with Matthew 6 months ago.
In this quest, I just get aggravated.
Yes, I am uncomfortable, and don't feel well, but seriously--I can't complain. I am not working; my husband is sweet and tells me to rest (and does a great job of helping me with things that I don't feel like or can't do); and really, all I have to do is take care of me and this baby. What a blessing and I know it.
So when I go on 'pregnancy' boards, I just get SO MAD. Especially IVF boards that have now gone to pregnancy...
Complaints, complaints, complaints....
And I'm not talking about complaints about the possibility of something bad happening with the moms or the babies...not complaining about serious things that actually matter...
Complaints about STRETCH MARKS.
Not ever being able to wear a bikini again.
Can't exercise as much.
Babies kicking too much.
Not being able to party anymore.
BUT--here's the kicker...almost EVERY SINGLE POST that complains about something whiny like that ends with this (or something like this): "But, I guess it will all be worth it in the end, right?"
Because those same whiny and superficial (and ignorant) people just assume that the baby will come home.
So, when I read those posts, I want to scream. I just want to say, "OH YEAH? HOW ABOUT THIS? How about having to wrap yourself so much that you can't breathe because you have to PURPOSELY stop your milk coming in and worry about people hugging you--but there's no cute little baby that made it worth it? Or that your OB tells you she may have to put you in the hospital (meaning you can't go to his funeral since you're in the hospital)--but there's no cute little baby that made it worth it. Or how about having to try and figure something out to wear to your son's funeral, and then months later just being miserable as you think about how you didn't even have SHOES to wear to it because you were so swollen--but there's no cute little baby that made it worth it? OR you have lost EVERY single pound you gained (plus two more, which puts me over 50 pounds lost in 6 months) and yet STILL NOTHING FITS YOU and you don't have the energy to find something that does--but there's no cute little baby that made it worth it?"
I could go on and on...but the end result is that all of the petty complaints are somehow supposed to be valid BECAUSE THERE'S A CUTE LITTLE BABY THAT MAKES IT ALL WORTH IT.
And I'm here to say that even when there's no cute little baby 'that makes it all worth it'...when that baby is dead before you ever even see its little face...
IT'S WORTH IT.
He's a miracle.
He's your son.
He's the reason you are a mom.
He's every dream you ever had in the most precious body you've ever seen.
And HE WAS WORTH IT.
So to all those moms who whine about stupid stuff but justify that their baby in their arms makes it worth it, I just want to gag.
It's worth it even if he doesn't end up there.
My point is that I just need a breather. The computer is a lifeline and I am so grateful for so many people I love dearly just through a computer.
But the scope of which I can use the computer is getting smaller and smaller every day.