Friday, June 11, 2010

Need a breather...

So, my self-imposed Google ban is doing well. I'm Googling less and less and that's just fine with me. My own life is a perfect case study of what every pregnant woman fears--no problems, no baby.

Add in the million and seven other things I now know can happen (and too, too many of them without ANY REASON at all) and the last thing I need is Google to give me more.

I have been feeling really icky. (Please, by the way, do not feel the need to tell me how that is wonderful for the baby--Matthew was PERFECT and I was not sick at all...had tons of energy and some minor food aversion, but that was it...sickness does NOT always mean things are fabulous with the baby. I don't believe in any of the old wives' tales--mainly because Matthew defied them all!)

I can totally get how people don't know they are pregnant for a while and just feel like it's the flu--all day for lots of days! That's how this energy to do anything but nothing makes it better. John is sweet and tells me just to rest and relax, but honestly, laying around is just as nauseating and uncomfortable. I go back and forth between freezing and roasting, wanting to vomit and being ravenous, chills and aches to wanting to garden.

I know...classic pregnancy symptoms and I am grateful for them.

Just very different from Matthew.

So, as I'm pretty much sofa bound for much of the day, and on my Google ban, once I catch up with blogs (and even that I have to sort of limit because every day it seems like there is a new something that breaks my heart), I try to indulge in 'normal' pregnancy things.

Which feels weird, since I was just doing this with Matthew 6 months ago.

In this quest, I just get aggravated.
REALLY aggravated.

Yes, I am uncomfortable, and don't feel well, but seriously--I can't complain. I am not working; my husband is sweet and tells me to rest (and does a great job of helping me with things that I don't feel like or can't do); and really, all I have to do is take care of me and this baby. What a blessing and I know it.

So when I go on 'pregnancy' boards, I just get SO MAD. Especially IVF boards that have now gone to pregnancy...

Complaints, complaints, complaints....

And I'm not talking about complaints about the possibility of something bad happening with the moms or the babies...not complaining about serious things that actually matter...

Complaints about STRETCH MARKS.

Not ever being able to wear a bikini again.

Can't exercise as much.

Babies kicking too much.

Not being able to party anymore.


BUT--here's the kicker...almost EVERY SINGLE POST that complains about something whiny like that ends with this (or something like this): "But, I guess it will all be worth it in the end, right?"

Because those same whiny and superficial (and ignorant) people just assume that the baby will come home.

So, when I read those posts, I want to scream. I just want to say, "OH YEAH? HOW ABOUT THIS? How about having to wrap yourself so much that you can't breathe because you have to PURPOSELY stop your milk coming in and worry about people hugging you--but there's no cute little baby that made it worth it? Or that your OB tells you she may have to put you in the hospital (meaning you can't go to his funeral since you're in the hospital)--but there's no cute little baby that made it worth it. Or how about having to try and figure something out to wear to your son's funeral, and then months later just being miserable as you think about how you didn't even have SHOES to wear to it because you were so swollen--but there's no cute little baby that made it worth it? OR you have lost EVERY single pound you gained (plus two more, which puts me over 50 pounds lost in 6 months) and yet STILL NOTHING FITS YOU and you don't have the energy to find something that does--but there's no cute little baby that made it worth it?"

I could go on and on...but the end result is that all of the petty complaints are somehow supposed to be valid BECAUSE THERE'S A CUTE LITTLE BABY THAT MAKES IT ALL WORTH IT.

And I'm here to say that even when there's no cute little baby 'that makes it all worth it'...when that baby is dead before you ever even see its little face...


He's a miracle.

He's your son.

He's the reason you are a mom.

He's every dream you ever had in the most precious body you've ever seen.


So to all those moms who whine about stupid stuff but justify that their baby in their arms makes it worth it, I just want to gag.

It's worth it even if he doesn't end up there.

My point is that I just need a breather. The computer is a lifeline and I am so grateful for so many people I love dearly just through a computer.

But the scope of which I can use the computer is getting smaller and smaller every day.


  1. I hold you in my heart every day, sweet friend.

    And I love "wanting to garden." :)

  2. Praying for you today. Crystal

  3. preach it sister!!!!!! :)

    i agree. how come staples doesn't have an "easy button" for this????? :)

  4. you read my mind and then wrote it down .... on the end of an email Lori xxxxxxx take a breather if you feel you need it (i really hope it wont be too long as you are such a help to me.) and when you are stronger we will all be here :) xxxx

  5. It's so hard to keep your focus away from the negative stuff. I may join you in the Google ban!


  6. It still makes me gag when I think about what my friend said to me when I was pregnant with Gracie, "it will all be worth it when you bring your baby home with you!" I will never say those words to anyone. Most people don't really have a thing to complain about but they still do.

  7. Sending out love and hugs right now.

  8. Yeah well, I never wore a bikini before, didn't excersize too much, and think stretch marks are badges of honor. I'm with ya, it is worth it whether they are here or in heaven or both. Love and hugs!!

  9. You are so right about the complaints. I had a friend who complained during each of her pregnancies. It was awful.
    So sorry for the bad day and feeling icky. And banning Google is great!

  10. Lori,

    know that i think of you everyday. I hope you feel better soon. We are both in the same boat of feeling icky. my symptoms have started to ease up though. Still get headaches and have to breathe through my mouth but i'm not hot and cold anymore. Praying your relief soon. Lots of Love to you;)

  11. Lori you are such an amazing woman!!! I know exactly what you mean. This next go around I am not going to complain at all and I now look at my stretch marks and I love each and everyone of them!

    As for the ickies I am sorry you feel that way. And yes this is coming from a medical standpoint. Girl hormones tend to affect us more than boy hormones. I was way sicker with my girl and I was never sick with my boys (except Juanito of course) so maybe this is an indication that you are carrying a sweet baby girl..... Just a thought!

    Hang in there my wonderful friend!!!

  12. I am so sorry. It is bad enough that we have to endure so many injustices, but then never getting our ignorance back and having to watch others in their blissful ignorance ~ well, there are no words.

    Thinking of you.

  13. LET IT OUT!!!!

    I am sure you had to feel a little release after this...I puked for 20 weeks straight and I know the "flu" thing...i dont believe the old wives tales either...every story and EVERY child is different...focus on this precious little diamond and I can not wait to hear the next cute name baby gets when it changes shape :)

  14. Coming from where I work and you know where that is. I hear every stupid complaint there is and I just want to say be flippin happy you are having a baby and stop whining about how big you are, how swollen you are, how the baby hurts when he or she kicks or how you are just so tired of being pregnant. If I told these people who complain how I really felt, I would of course be fired. Holding you in my heart Lori! XOXO

  15. I couldn't agree with you more. But you know, it's all relative. Those moms haven't experienced "the worst" or anything close. They haven't had friends or loved ones loose babies, their health, their babies health etc. They are ignorant, to life, really. We (and when I say "we" I am not putting myself anywhere near the catagory in which you lie, but perhaps a category in which we both have experienced something very unexpected and heartbreaking with a pregnancy) have a very different perspective on life, pregnancy and children that only a mother that has been through something horrific can. They are blissfully unaware of all the things that can go wrong and therefore take it all for granted. I pray for these women, that they somehow realize that it could all be gone in a flash. I pray that they never have to their they way you, I and countless others have. It's sad that sometimes it takes a tragedy to put place lives greatest gifts into perspective so that we truly appreciate them.

  16. I suddenly woke up (moments ago) with Matthew's name on my lips and this verse in my heart.
    **No, in all these things we are conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neather death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to seperate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.
    Romans 8:37-39
    Also, I know this is random, but I looked up Matthews birthday in the book of Matthew.
    **Come to me all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.
    Matthew 11:28-29

  17. I soooooo TOTALLY know what you mean. Those posts drive me NUTS and I just want to tell them all to stop it too. It's so hard to be a part of all the good things on the forums while trying to avoid those posts. Hugz.

  18. Dear Lori,
    I have been captivated by your heartbreaking blog, and am so hoping that all goes well for you and your new baby. I felt I should offer a perspective in the hope that it helps you.
    My beloved adult son was the result of deciding not to abort, not a decision to have a baby. Up through his birth, I really had no concept of what was growing in me, and I had no desire to be a mother and no joy over the ills of pregnancy (although I don't think I was too whiny!). The moment our eyes met, I was a goner, and I have had 3 more sons and we are adopting 2 more children. Only during my 2d pregnancy was I excited and impatient to meet my new baby; during the first I had no idea "who" was coming to meet me. All I could see was me and my body, and I gave little thought to him. I guess b/c I have become such a good mom, I am not angry with my previous self, even though I now find it amazing that I didn't have much care for the son I would have died for at any time after that first spellbinding moment when we met. Had he died that day, my grief would have been exactly like yours, b/c the intensity of that first moment of love was so powerful that even now, 24 years later, I still remember it with awe and gratitude. What I am trying to express is that you should be a bit more indulgent with young, self-centered mothers-to-be. I miscarried our 3d pregnancy, and it irrevocably and negatively altered my outlook during my last 2 pregnancies. Would you really wish all mothers to be so excruciatingly aware of the risks they are facing? During those pregnancies, I would have preferred to go back to the blissfully ignorant state of mind of my 2d pregnancy. So, grant others some grace, and perhaps even send up a small prayer for them that they never have to join the ranks of the "aware." Plus, our society puts a lot of emphasis on a beautiful body, and it is a part of growing up to give up a "sexy" body for an unknown entity. You should grant them the space to grieve that loss, even though you know how their perspective will change "after" they grow up and realize the joy of self-sacrifice. I never want to go back to that mindset, but I recognize that at the time it wasn't pleasant for me to change it. Plus, if you focus on grace and indulgence, it might allow you to surf the web with less stress, and I know you could use a bit less of that! :)
    I believe your blisteringly honest blog will help others who read it, so I hope this comment might help them as well.
    God bless. Sherry in Ohio

  19. Oh, Lori...dear, dear Lori. Every stretch mark I have (which are A LOT), every pound I've gained, milk coming in, was all worth it to be a mommy to Lily. You've written it so beautifully. The milk coming is was one of the hardest things for me because I, unlike SO, so many women these days, was so excited to breastfeed, like my mom did for all four of her children. I get so aggravated to hear women say that "it will be all worth it in the end with a cute baby to hold." It makes me so angry when women just complain about stretch marks and that breastfeeding is too difficult. ughhh.

    A girl that had a baby in May was talking to me on the phone while she was still in the hospital after giving birth. And she was going on and on and on about how much physical pain she was in. And I was like, seriously?! Can you please think about who you are talking to? I was in the same pain as you, but didn't complain ONCE. You have a room full of happy people, holding your new baby that you've carried for nine months. When I had a room full of devastated hearts, with a lifeless baby lying on the bed. Geez people!! People can be so hurtful. Bless you, dear, sweet Lori!

  20. I suppose those who have never walked this road will NEVER have the same, deep appreciation that we do for our "miracles". It's SAD.

    Lifting you up!

  21. I am MORE than on your side with this, but some comments do make me hurt a little. It's as if people believe that just because someone has never given birth to a child that wasn't alive or passed soon after, we can't/don't appreciate and love our children as much as you do. I wanted to be a mother from the first real memories I have. Other girls wanted to be singers or docters, I wanted to be a mother. My dad was a preacher and I knew from a young age the importance of prayer. I prayed for my children when I was still a child myself. Still, I was sure (based on medical issues) I would never carry my own children. I got pregnant every time on the first try. I was amazed and terrified. I counseled girls/woman at a pregnancy center all during my first pregnancy and felt the pain for the mothers who didn't choose to keep their children or acknowledge that that's what they were. EVERYDAY I live in pure wonder and thankfulness for having what I always wanted and feared I would never have. I cry everytime someone else goes through what you are going through. Seems incredibly unfair and unsensitive to say other parents don't know how to appreciate what they have because their children are living. God gave us the ability to grieve and mourn everything. Even the change of one care free, selfish life, to giving up body and mind to carry a baby. I hope and pray that's all those mother's have to mourn ... but don't assume they aren't as in love with their child as all of you are. God is doing works in each of us, everyday. Some in smaller, simpler ways and some in such trying and overwhelmingly sad ways. He seems to be teaching all of us grace and understanding of each other . Because of all of you beautiful Mom's who have experienced the terror's of losing a child I am able to think about the way I talk and act around others. I'm not gonna sluff off the disobediance or tantrums of my girls and allow myself to not take time for myself when I'm burnt out though. Grace. I still have to parent my children and teach them lessons. I still have to deal with the hard and troubled parts of parenting and have the right to be annoyed or overwhelmed. Doesn't mean I appreciate or love them ANY less. Is it wrong to complain or being worked up just because you've never suffered the loss of your child? This is life and we are the way God made us. Imperfect and full of questions, complaints, desires, heartache and love. Why not add grace in there too.

  22. I completely agree with a couple of moms on here. Yes, some women are blissfully unaware of the heartache of losing a child, but I wouldn't call them "ignorant". It's true, many pregnant women complain about the small annoyances of pregnancy...itchy bellies, aching backs, stretch marks, etc. Giving your body up for an unknown and new process is hard for some. Every single new mother I have ever talked to has been amazed at the changes that happen to their bodies. (I personally shocked that I got back fat!)
    Your perspective is unique in that you have unfortunately had to endure infertility and the loss of a precious baby. Had those things not happened to you, you might have been one of those blissfully or ignorantly unaware mothers. We are ALL mothers. And we all grieve with you and for you. Our hearts ache for you and wish that we could take some of your pain away. A good friend of mine lost her baby when I was pregnant...we were only about two weeks apart in our pregnancies, so it did make me very aware of what I said around her. I definitely didn't want to say something that would hurt her.
    Complaining about the last weeks of pregnancy is nearly commonplace...I know it must be so hard for you to hear these women complain. But it isn't something that they do because they want to sound indulgent or hurt you. I think it's almost a bonding experience for some, this thing that happens to all of us when we carry our children. I believe every stretch mark, sagging piece of skin and dimple should be a badge of honor, but it's still quite a shock when it happens.

  23. Glad the google ban is going well! Google can be both your best friend and worst enemy!!

    Hope that you won't feel so icky very soon! Even though we know how blessed we are to feel those things it still sucks to feel icky!

    Oh don't EVEN get me started on pregnant women complaining!!! I was on my Cafemom group the other day and there was a post where someone was complaining the baby was kicking too much and that they wanted them to stop! I couldn't believe it!! Are you kidding me?! I thought to myself that they'd be wishing something entirely different if their baby quit kicking forever. They should be grateful they have such an active baby because they know it's alive!!!

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  25. pregnant women who haven't experienced a loss are blissfully ignorant. we who have experienced a loss hope that they will never have to understand the way we feel about it. ofcourse they are allowed to whine and complain throughout their pregnancies and to assume they will be bringing their baby home. but we cannot help through knowing what CAN happen , being slightly cynical about such naive and yes sometimes frivolous views about pregnancy or birth. i don't think anyone is judged on being a mother, its just that our views are now and forever tainted. something non blm's can never understand. so to those disagreeing with lori , don't you dare make us out to be judgmental bad people, we have been through enough, lori included. you can all whine on pregnancy forums, we do our whining on here . xxx anne

  26. I HAVE lost a baby. And how dare you accuse us of anything else that YOU don't understand! Did you even read a single word I wrote? I don't think so .. and that makes me sad. I pray for Lori and Matthew everyday. I think of Matthew everyday and I cry for them too. I HATE that this is the journey she is on right now. I HATE that there are people who don't appreciate , love and adore EVERY experience they have with their child or children. I hate that any of you go through this ... and I hate that you can't hear where I'm coming from either. It hurts to hear that someone who has never had to go through exactly what you went through (and no one ever will because it's completely unique to you) so I can't love or appreciate my children as much??. How insulting! I don't even know what to say to anything you wrote littleharves! I was in NO WAY being judgemental and you know nothing about me. I hear where Lori is coming from in this and I agree with her. I meet with reckless and arrogant mothers all the time. Some smoke or do drugs or try to miscarry their babies because it doesn't fit with where they are at the moment. It's infuriating and draining and everything else inbetween. I ache for those babies that were thrown aside by them. I ACHE that your children and my child is gone. I'm not being judgemental, I simply believe that maybe we're all hurting too much to be looking in to something so fiercely that we don't know the heart of. I counseled a girl once who had had an abortion at 14. She came in (when I was 6 months pregnant) 6 weeks along ready to go to the clinic again. I just talked with her, for hours. She said she didn't want to abort this baby or the last but was literally dragged in to her last appt. We gave her an ultrasound and she broke down crying. She left her boyfriend and had her baby. An amazing baby boy. She now has another and is an awesome mom. I'm thankful for what she taught me and for being there on that day. I'm thankful I found Lori's blog and that I have the opportunity to think about her and pray for her everyday. Sorry you took it so offensively, I was merely stating that I love my children to the end of time and back, as I'm sure we all do.

  27. Lori, You go ahead and feel however you need to feel - angry, resentful, sad ... your feelings are your feelings, and nobody that is not you can tell you what is "right" or "wrong." I am glad you have a place to express all that you are going through, and friends and family to lend you support.

    I hope you get the breather you need. I hope you get some peace, rest, and overall sunshine in the coming weeks. I hope June brings you some smiles and good things.

    Love you, girl, and thinking of you .... J

  28. Now I'm MAD! Your were angry for me last week and now I'm mad at those highly inexperienced women who want to gripe about things that they should be enjoying all the while it brings pain to your heart. Do I need to go clean house there? Prayers for you my sweet friend. ((hugs))

  29. tessa i'm sorry you felt my comment was directed at you, i did indicate it was for non blm's. thanks xxx anne ps - lori i apologise for this taking place on your blog xxx

  30. Agreed littleharves. After the entire thing I just felt sick. I don't want anyone to ever be hurt by something I say, when my whole point was just to speak only to Lori and try to send her words of love. I guess I have met too many people in my life who make assumptions about me based on little to no fact and it hurts ... because anything that is connected to our being mother's is very emotional. I'm very sorry that I didn't handle it better, but I'm glad we all get to come here, no matter our expereinces, and support each other and read the beautiful things Lori writes. Guess we all know we love Lori! ; )

  31. still praying for you and that sweet baby. Crystal

  32. You haven't posted for a few days; hope all is going well. You are in my thoughts sweety.

  33. Definitely frustrating to hear the complaints. It makes me sad to hear sometimes, because I would give anything to feel Lilly kick again, or feel icky.

    You're right whether we have a baby in our arms in the end it is TOTALLY worth it!

    *hugs* to you.

    love and prayers

  34. I meant whether or not we have a baby in our arms or not it is worth it. It is worth it either way, basically is what i was trying to say. Again, typing issues ugh :P