Well, as said yesterday, this is my life. Every day. In all things.
Even the grocery store.
And no, being pregnant again does not make it easier. Children are not replaceable. Being pregnant again makes me hopeful.
It's nowhere near easier.
So, even in this horrendous heat, I decided I needed to venture out to the commissary. I'm quite surprised by this, but I have had the insane desire to cook meals.
Not eat them, mind you, and GOD FORBID smell them....but to make them for John.
He's been working very, very hard.
So, I gathered my coupon book, printed out all my coupons, printed my menus and shopping list (Nanci, Maria--aren't you proud of me?), put on a breezy sundress and some strappy sandals and set out.
Still not feeling great, but sitting around doesn't help much either.
Today was a GREAT day to go shopping--commissary was dead and John wasn't with me, so I could take all the time I wanted--comparing prices, deciding what meal I will make, rifling through coupons, etc...
I was standing in front of the soups with my binder open and my menu/list out and I was about to decide what soups I was going to buy. (Campbell's Chunky, take $1 off two, you know.)
Throughout the aisles, I had seen a nicely dressed woman with a cute little girl roaming and had assumed that it was either her granddaughter (and she was a VERY young grandma) or her little girl but through an international adoption. Yes, I realize that's an assumption based on looks, but one I've lived with and also pondered while we were trying to adopt from Kyrgyzstan...and I always smile at the hope that they are a forever family somehow.
Anyway, as I was about to pick out soups, this lady stopped by my cart and saw my whole set up (in the front seat, of course, because I had no baby sitting there) and smiled at me.
"WOW!" she said. "I'm impressed! Do you have any children?"
(Now, I realize she's asking me this because truthfully, there's no way that if I had a child with me I could POSSIBLY have had that whole set up going and been taking all that time.)
YES!!! I'm expecting!!! Praise God!!
YES!!! Praise God!!! I had a miracle in November, but he's dead.
While both are true...what in the world was I supposed to say?
So, I said, "I'm expecting."
She then went on and said, "Oh...how wonderful for you...I'm just so impressed with all of this (my coupons/menus/lists) and just imagining a family you are doing this for. I have a 17-year old and my little 4-year old here and would love to do this." (I'm pretty sure I was right that her little one was adopted and so flipping adorable!_
I smiled (crying inside thinking that I shouldn't have that time...shouldn't have that ability....SHOULD have a nearly 7 month-old babbling at me and her) and said, "Thank you...I'm trying to get it all together."
She asked how far along I was.
I told her, "Ten weeks."
She then sweetly and sincerely said, "Well, congratulations!! You are just beautiful! You glow! You just radiate happiness."
I radiate happiness?????
She was so, so kind...and so sweet...and heck, what pregnant woman doesn't want to hear that they are beautiful and radiate happiness (even if they aren't!)????
Because it cut my heart in two.
How can I be radiating happiness when my son died not even seven months ago? I'm happy about many things...this baby, my husband, my family and friends and amazing support and that God sees me through each day.
But to hear her speak of me (which again, was so kind), you'd think I didn't have a care in the world and that I was the me I was a year ago---excited about being a mommy, loving the domesticity I FINALLY got to rightfully own, blissfully ignorant....
I'm not that me.
And it hurts me to think that others see me that way.
I know that's crazy--who wants to be seen as a mourning, depressing, grief-stricken mother of a dead baby????
That's not the identity I want and several months ago, that's the identity I said I didn't want to define me.
So why does it hurt so much to know that that's not how a complete stranger saw me? That she saw me as happy and joyful and hopeful.
How FAIR is it that that HURTS me and makes me feel so far from Matthew?
I know, I know...life's not fair.
Ouch. All I can say about today is OUCH. One living...promising. One dead...unspoken.
OUCH! OUCH! OUCH!