Well...suffice it to say that I didn't sleep very well last night. At all. In fact, wide awake most of the night.
I've had a lot on my heart and I've been so, so anxious.
I just knew that we'd get to Dr.K and they'd do the ultrasound and look at each other, then me, and say, "Lori, we're so sorry."
Because it seems that would just be par for the course.
Joy stolen. I admit it. Worry is not something you can just turn on or off and no matter what you do, you can't control (without medicine and I can't do that) the wiring you've got going on in your brain.
So...I just kept praying, "Please just let us get to Dr. Sweeney. Please just let us get to Dr. Sweeney. If we can get there, we'll be in such better shape." Poor Dr. Sweeney. No pressure for him at all.
I was literally sick to my stomach...seems like every time I go into Shady Grove's office, I am on pins and needles!
So...the tears ran when I saw that sweet, familiar little flicker on the screen. I saw little arms and teeny tiny legs (so different than my diamond ring!)....in this picture, Miney looked a lot like his/her brother and reminded me of my sweet little Gummi Bear.
Dr. K said the heartbeat looked good and I said, "Yeah, well, I'll feel better when you tell me what the heartbeat is...."
Hooray and praise God! Wait...praise God and HOORAY!
All looked great...measuring right on target for a January 17 due date and fabulous heartbeat. Matthew's on this appointment was 162.
Of course, I cheated a bit and had about 10 sips of coffee this morning, so after my initial bliss, I immediately thought, "Wait--maybe the coffee elevated that heartbeat!!!"
That doctor and those nurses think I am a nut. Certifiable.
The proverbial basket case.
They're not too far off base. Dr. K said, "You need to be strong and healthy...you have to RELAX!"
(Again, add grow in there, because if I could bottle the ability to do either of those, I'd be RICH!!!!)
He suggested counseling.
Check times a few.
He suggested yoga.
Umm, abs aren't going to facilitate that and my mind races too much anyway.
He suggested writing.
Check. Times a lot.
Then he said--"For every bad thought, I want you to write two good ones."
This could take a while.
He then got right to where he knew I felt secure. "When do you see Sweeney?"
"About 40 minutes!"
Yep, they looked at me as if I was already wearing the straight jacket.
And they totally understand.
We got lovely pictures of our sweetheart and were then off to one of our heroes, Dr. Sweeney!!!!
It was hard to sit in that office, if I'm truthful. That's one of my real last memories of Matthew...November 23 (the day before his due date) and seeing him wriggle all over the screen...or try to! He was so, so scrunched. So scrunched, in fact that I think the only picture we really got that day was of his foot...fitting...I remember Dr. Sweeney telling me he looked like a million bucks (my favorite thing to hear)...scheduling for the following Monday but joking about hoping we wouldn't need it!
Matthew was dead before the following Monday.
I didn't think we'd do a scan since I'd just come from Shady Grove, but we did--abdominally Miney looked very blob-like but Dr. Sweeney said the baby looked great. He discussed some proportional ratios between the baby and yolk sac and said that my miscarriage rates just went down looking at those ratios.
Things looked great!
A special treat was hearing the heartbeat! We saw it at Shady Grove, but HEARD it with Dr. Sweeney and it was precious. Music to our ears!! Heartrate of 170 (he said that was the baby's heartrate and the caffeine from earlier in the day didn't make a difference!) and just beautiful. I can't wait until my doppler works.
We planned to come in for observation and checks every other week (unless my sanity breaks and we need to check for viability more often) and he agreed that delivering up in Annapolis was a smart decision, even though it breaks my heart to not be able to be with my sweet L & D angels at our local hospital.
We just can't take any chances.
John said if we ever won the lottery, the first thing we would do is build a NICU at St. Mary's.
I'm trying to figure out how to do that WITHOUT winning the lottery, since we don't play.
We won't go past 38 weeks (less than 30 to go!), and he's got a plan for who will deliver.
Have we mentioned how much we love the people who take care of us?
So today...as we are so joyful and grateful to God for this little miracle...
We are also very keenly aware of how much the holes in our hearts hurt....how we ache for our boy and wish more than anything in the world we could be sharing the joy of a brother or sister with him.
I know a lot of people believe that those in Heaven can see us, and are aware of what's going on in our lives. To be truthful, I don't know that that's not true.
Personally, I don't see how it could be...if there are no tears in Heaven, I don't know how anyone there could look at this broken and suffering world and not cry at the state of affairs. I guess I may be in the minority, but I would rather think of Matthew as perfectly whole and happy...which means that he doesn't miss me or see me and my sorrow at all. He, like all my loved ones in Heaven, is blissfully unaware.
And I am ok with that...
One day, all things will be made right.
In the meantime, I am grateful for the joy that I am able to share in the privilege of this new, sweet little life. For Miney's "Trip to Annapolis" item, Daddy decided on a cute sleeper that could go both ways. If she's a girl, we'll give her a green bow or band in her hair (?) and if he's a boy, he'll just be getting ready for the frogs to come! We've always loved frogs here....
Here's the still of Miney. Cute, huh? I know it's impossible to tell (for y'all) but honestly, the baby already looks a lot like me. Really.
There's video--which isn't all that great, and honestly, in listening to it, I cringe. I'll be more quiet at future ultrasounds, especially if John continues to make me out to be the grinch that he does! FOR THE RECORD...there's not a doctor or nurse that has been a part of all of this who doesn't know how stressful this is and how worried I am. Dr. K said I'd worry every second of the pregnancy (and I didn't even take offense to him suggesting counseling!) and Dr. Sweeney said we'd do whatever we needed to do to maintain my sanity. (Again, poor man...no pressure).