Wednesday, June 9, 2010

Miney's Photo Shoot...

Well...suffice it to say that I didn't sleep very well last night. At all. In fact, wide awake most of the night.

I've had a lot on my heart and I've been so, so anxious.

I just knew that we'd get to Dr.K and they'd do the ultrasound and look at each other, then me, and say, "Lori, we're so sorry."

Because it seems that would just be par for the course.

Joy stolen. I admit it. Worry is not something you can just turn on or off and no matter what you do, you can't control (without medicine and I can't do that) the wiring you've got going on in your brain.

So...I just kept praying, "Please just let us get to Dr. Sweeney. Please just let us get to Dr. Sweeney. If we can get there, we'll be in such better shape." Poor Dr. Sweeney. No pressure for him at all.

I was literally sick to my stomach...seems like every time I go into Shady Grove's office, I am on pins and needles!

So...the tears ran when I saw that sweet, familiar little flicker on the screen. I saw little arms and teeny tiny legs (so different than my diamond ring!) this picture, Miney looked a lot like his/her brother and reminded me of my sweet little Gummi Bear.

Dr. K said the heartbeat looked good and I said, "Yeah, well, I'll feel better when you tell me what the heartbeat is...."


Hooray and praise God! Wait...praise God and HOORAY!

All looked great...measuring right on target for a January 17 due date and fabulous heartbeat. Matthew's on this appointment was 162.

Of course, I cheated a bit and had about 10 sips of coffee this morning, so after my initial bliss, I immediately thought, "Wait--maybe the coffee elevated that heartbeat!!!"

That doctor and those nurses think I am a nut. Certifiable.

The proverbial basket case.

They're not too far off base. Dr. K said, "You need to be strong and have to RELAX!"

(Again, add grow in there, because if I could bottle the ability to do either of those, I'd be RICH!!!!)

He suggested counseling.

Check times a few.

He suggested yoga.

Umm, abs aren't going to facilitate that and my mind races too much anyway.

He suggested writing.

Check. Times a lot.

Then he said--"For every bad thought, I want you to write two good ones."

This could take a while.

He then got right to where he knew I felt secure. "When do you see Sweeney?"

"About 40 minutes!"

Yep, they looked at me as if I was already wearing the straight jacket.

And they totally understand.

We got lovely pictures of our sweetheart and were then off to one of our heroes, Dr. Sweeney!!!!

It was hard to sit in that office, if I'm truthful. That's one of my real last memories of Matthew...November 23 (the day before his due date) and seeing him wriggle all over the screen...or try to! He was so, so scrunched. So scrunched, in fact that I think the only picture we really got that day was of his foot...fitting...I remember Dr. Sweeney telling me he looked like a million bucks (my favorite thing to hear)...scheduling for the following Monday but joking about hoping we wouldn't need it!

We didn't.

Matthew was dead before the following Monday.

I didn't think we'd do a scan since I'd just come from Shady Grove, but we did--abdominally Miney looked very blob-like but Dr. Sweeney said the baby looked great. He discussed some proportional ratios between the baby and yolk sac and said that my miscarriage rates just went down looking at those ratios.

Things looked great!

A special treat was hearing the heartbeat! We saw it at Shady Grove, but HEARD it with Dr. Sweeney and it was precious. Music to our ears!! Heartrate of 170 (he said that was the baby's heartrate and the caffeine from earlier in the day didn't make a difference!) and just beautiful. I can't wait until my doppler works.

We planned to come in for observation and checks every other week (unless my sanity breaks and we need to check for viability more often) and he agreed that delivering up in Annapolis was a smart decision, even though it breaks my heart to not be able to be with my sweet L & D angels at our local hospital.

We just can't take any chances.

John said if we ever won the lottery, the first thing we would do is build a NICU at St. Mary's.

I'm trying to figure out how to do that WITHOUT winning the lottery, since we don't play.

We won't go past 38 weeks (less than 30 to go!), and he's got a plan for who will deliver.

Have we mentioned how much we love the people who take care of us?

So we are so joyful and grateful to God for this little miracle...

We are also very keenly aware of how much the holes in our hearts we ache for our boy and wish more than anything in the world we could be sharing the joy of a brother or sister with him.

I know a lot of people believe that those in Heaven can see us, and are aware of what's going on in our lives. To be truthful, I don't know that that's not true.

Personally, I don't see how it could be...if there are no tears in Heaven, I don't know how anyone there could look at this broken and suffering world and not cry at the state of affairs. I guess I may be in the minority, but I would rather think of Matthew as perfectly whole and happy...which means that he doesn't miss me or see me and my sorrow at all. He, like all my loved ones in Heaven, is blissfully unaware.

And I am ok with that...

One day, all things will be made right.

In the meantime, I am grateful for the joy that I am able to share in the privilege of this new, sweet little life. For Miney's "Trip to Annapolis" item, Daddy decided on a cute sleeper that could go both ways. If she's a girl, we'll give her a green bow or band in her hair (?) and if he's a boy, he'll just be getting ready for the frogs to come! We've always loved frogs here....

Here's the still of Miney. Cute, huh? I know it's impossible to tell (for y'all) but honestly, the baby already looks a lot like me. Really.

There's video--which isn't all that great, and honestly, in listening to it, I cringe. I'll be more quiet at future ultrasounds, especially if John continues to make me out to be the grinch that he does! FOR THE RECORD...there's not a doctor or nurse that has been a part of all of this who doesn't know how stressful this is and how worried I am. Dr. K said I'd worry every second of the pregnancy (and I didn't even take offense to him suggesting counseling!) and Dr. Sweeney said we'd do whatever we needed to do to maintain my sanity. (Again, poor pressure).

This is nerve-wracking...but I'm so grateful. I just keep telling myself, "This one, she will keep."

Thank you so much for the prayers...they are so coveted and so precious to us!


  1. So both my husband and I follow your blog Lori and I've been checking/stalking your blog all day for this update! So happy for you guys. Tears of joy when I read this update. Miney is adorable :) Prayers and thoughts coming from Michigan!
    Kim & Chris

  2. Didn't realize I'd been holding my breath. I've been refreshing your page all night and I was just able to exhale.

    Other people's pregnancies tend to go fast for me but I think yours might just go slow. Thinking of you and praying for you daily!

  3. I've been reading your blog for probably..hmm maybe two months. This is my first time posting =) I can't even begin to tell you how happy your post today makes me! My heart is so heavy thinking about you missing your precious Matthew. But today I'm so filled with joy over Miney! I can't wait to follow your pregnancy and see that precious baby when you bring him/her home!!

    I'm with the other ladies.. I've been refreshing your page all day, just waiting to hear the good news! You're all in my prayers!

  4. I've been thinking of you all day. What wonderful news!!!

  5. another great milestone to get past honey....step by step, so glad all is well, sending love xxx

  6. Awww Lori I am so so so so so so so very pleased. Miney is adorable & your care team sounds amazing.
    Lots of prayers coming your way as usual. Xxxxxxxx


    The sleeper is adorable!

    Much love to all of you!

    - J

  8. Hooray!!! Miney is beautiful. Thank you, as always, for sharing Miney and your precious Matthew with us. :)

  9. Lori,
    I'm rejoicing with you today! The ultrasound picture is PRECIOUS!!! I can see the little arms and legs and they are so, so cute!

    I continue to pray for you and John - that your joy in this miracle not be stolen and that God continues to carry you through the pain of losing Matthew.

    With much love,

  10. Glad it was a good day and that the drs. are soooooooo super understanding :) What a blessing to have drs who care so much!! Love you!

  11. yeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!

    adorable picture (i agree she looks like you;p)

    cute, cute, cute outfit!

    praying everyday with you.

  12. Awesome news! I am surprised your blog didn't crash with as many people checking it and refreshing it yesterday waiting for the update. So happy to hear that MIney is doing so fine-y.

    Continued prayers going up for you and John and baby every day. And they will keep covering you loved ones.

    Word verification? preing.

    No really. As in still praying.:)

  13. In tears reading this - So so happy for you and so empathising with how hard and scary it all is ....

    you have a great caring team.. and that is worth anything....

    we are all in this along with you and sending you positive vibes, prayers and whatever we can!!!

  14. Oh Lori, I know nerve-wrecking too well. I'm sorry you're going through that part of the pregnancy. I think it's just the way it's going to be! So I was all excited about hearing my baby on the Doppler, and then later I started thinking "but I didn't hear movement - what if my baby isn't moving?" and then it was "and I didn't hear the placenta - what if the placenta isn't working?"

    So much stress...I'm glad you have such a wonderful doctor! And I'm glad we serve a wonderful God who will help us through this one day at a time.

    What a beautiful little one!

    Much love!

  15. Wonderful news!!! Awesome news!!! Praying for you and John and of course Miney! Thank you for sharing your good news!

  16. oooh Lori, I love you and little Miney!!! So excited to hear of the news. There are definitely lots and lots of people holding you close to their hearts and in their constant prayers. I've been stalking your page as well. ;)

  17. Praise God for Miney and Praise God for Dr. Sweeney!

    I'm a froggie girl too!! So cute :)

    Lifting you up today and always. As you continue to travel this road, may peace find you and may JOY fill your soul.


    ps thank you for the excellent advice on the thorasine and other vaccine info. I'm going to talk to Dr. K about this today :)

  18. So happy to hear such positive news. Your medical support team sounds wonderful and I am so happy they do what they do to try and help you relax. Enjoy this pregnancy, Lori. I can't wait to see Miney grow :)

  19. I agree that Miney looks like you. :-)

  20. I am so excited for you and I can understand that you will be worried throughout this pregnancy. Who wouldn't be. Be praying for you, John and Miney.

  21. That is great news Lori, The Annapolis team is great and the entire staff is very supportive and understanding. You just dont know how much your blog is easing some of my fears. My first appointment with Dr. Sweeney is on the 22nd. I will tell you the L&D floor at AAMC is fantastic. They are also helpful and supportive. It is good to know that your doctors have a game plan.

  22. Your US video made me both cry and laugh, Lori. :')

    You know, I've been trying to figure out how to win the lottery too without playing. lol

    So glad your little one is doing so well!

  23. Continuing to pray for you, John and Miney. :)
    So happy that everything went well at the doctor!!
    Love and prayers coming your way!!

  24. I've been waiting for this day! So thrilled that everything is going great. Will continue to keep you in my prayers throughout.

  25. Yeah! I am so happy for you, I am so glad things went well.


  26. Oh sweet sweet Lori, the worry and stress I hear in your voice. While I knew it was there "hearing" it is so much harder. I will pray harder. Love you, friend! I think you are right. Miney looks like you!!

  27. It is hard not to worry....the friend that keeps bringing you messages from God, has always been right! My prayer is that you'll be able to rest in the latest message..."this one she will keep"

    Love and prayers!

  28. Excellent pictures and sounds like you have amazing people surrounding you. That is a big help.

    I am convinced Miney is a girl with that fast heartrate, and her due date (though I know she won't go that long) being Jan 17th, is that of a sweet friend of mine who has been a big support to me throughout all of my struggles, so I just think that's good karma!!

    Sending you, John, Matthew, and Miney lots of love as you work through your loss while preparing for another addition!

  29. Fabulous news!!!!!!!!!! Love the pics, love the frog---so right there with you with the anxiety and being sure and time going by so slowly and all of that.
    So happy for you!

  30. What a souvenir to show Miney someday, and another milestone passed with flying colors. I was OK until you said, "I just want this baby to come home." Happiness, hope, and heartbreak constantly battling for supremacy. I pray they can reach a truce with each other so you can make it through the next 30 weeks with your sanity intact. It sounds like John will be key in providing reassurance and perspective. Hoping the next two weeks magically fly by.

  31. Oh Lori *hugs* I was crying with you as I watched the U/S video. Thank you for sharing "Miney" with you. My heart goes out to you as I completely understand how you are feeling as I would feel the same way.

    So glad to hear that everything is going well!!! I will continue to keep you in my prayers. If you would like to I could add you to Lilly's Prayer page, but that is totally up to you.

    BTW I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE the frog outfit. Jim and I LOVE frogs!!!!

    "This one she will keep" Wishing, hoping, and praying for you always and so much!

    love and prayers

  32. I meant thank you for sharing Miney with us sorry about that. I've been having issues typing lately :)