I'm so, so conflicted these days.
What's new, right?
I TOTALLY get why women whose babies die maintain a 'grief' type blog for their little one (or ones) and then when/if subsequent pregnancies should occur, maintain another...Like I said, I wish I had the time (more like energy) to do that because it really makes so much sense.
It feels like such betrayal to be celebrating the milestones of a pregnancy when just a few months ago, I was celebrating the milestones of Matthew.
I know it's not. I KNOW that's irrational. I know that is an attempt to steal my joy.
Regardless--it's a very, very strong and deep feeling. And much as many mean well in telling me not to worry, that is much, much easier said than done.
I've also come across several blogs of women with infertility that I have cringed at when reading...blogs that say that they as infertile women have a hard time hearing about other women with infertility getting pregnant. I understand that, to a degree, because we live in a world where we so easily look at what others have and we don't, and wonder, "Why isn't that me?" Lord knows I have done it...especially as a teacher who through the years has had the privilege of teaching children that I'd have given my eye teeth to parent.
But honestly, I get (and have been, admittedly) being jealous of women who have NO infertility. I get (and have been) being jealous of pregnant women with no losses--complete and total ignorant bliss. I get (and have been) being jealous of women with one or more children and just wanting to BEAT THEM OVER THE HEAD because they take so much of their motherhood / pregnancy for granted...I tried to go to a few "Due Date" clubs today and in EACH ONE (except, sadly, the pregnancy after loss ones, which didn't have many posts) there was some sort of whiny post (or numerous ones, actually) like, "Anyone else hate being pregnant?" or "Why do I have to lose my body to give it to them?" or "Will this ever end?"
Seriously? Yeah...I totally get being jealous of those women, and sadly, even feeling a bit judgemental toward them.
What I DON'T get is having fertility issues and being jealous of other women with fertility issues who finally are able to get pregnant. I don't understand how some people can look at those newly pregnant women and say things like, "They just don't get IF anymore...they're officially out of the IF club."
Trust me. I get infertility. I realize how very, very, VERY blessed we were that both our fresh cycles worked (ironic to say that) and I OFTEN told John that getting pregnant with Matthew on our first cycle was really beating statistical odds (which I apparently am very good at).
Getting pregnant does not erase 10+ years of pouring my heart out to God and begging Him to be a parent. It does not erase the heartache of every baby shower that wasn't mine or every baby gift bought for someone else or every procedure and chart and medicine taken in hopes that it would finally be our turn. It does not erase the heartache of working feverishly to put together a dossier and falling in love with children of another country--preparing for one of those to be your own and then being shut down--which was traumatic for as at worst but heartbreaking for those children left behind.
It does not erase the fear that since my only and precious little boy died, I may never get to parent another child on this earth.
No--those who suffer IF will ALWAYS get it.
And so EVERY. SINGLE. TIME I have learned another woman with IF issues has been given a miracle, I've rejoiced. Before I got pregnant--I rejoiced in the hope that one day it could be me. After Matthew, I rejoiced in hoping it could be me again. Today--I rejoice because I just see so much suffering in this world and I am SO glad to see SOME sense of fairness in the world.
Just as I've said of women who have lost their children, I say for women struggling with IF--in a world that seems SO unfair, I am just glad and thankful that I get to see some examples of life being more like we feel it ought to be.
I don't even know why I got off on this tangent other than because it's just hard to find my place in the world these days.
I tried to adopt a baby. I didn't. I am not an Adoptive Parent.
I tried to get pregnant. I did. I'm no longer in the IF club.
I gave birth to a baby. He died. I don't get to be the Playdate Mom.
I'm pregnant again but terrified that I won't get to bring this baby home. I can't join any Due Date Clubs because I won't complain about hating pregnancy or petty things like whether I am disappointed it's a boy and not a girl.
I'm a mother who wants to be overjoyed about the precious little life I'm carrying.
I'm a mother who misses her little boy so much that I believe people can physically feel a broken heart.
And I feel really, really bad even writing about how hard this is because I know there are so many women who are trying so hard to bring another baby into their lives.
But I'd be lying if I didn't. It's hard.
I have always been known to love shiny and sparkly things....so I am just pleased as punch that my little Sparkler is fitting in with that trend! Today, Miney is 8 weeks! I didn't do this with Matthew, but figure since it's for his or her posterity, here's what's going on:
Week Eight: Starts to practice moving
You are 8 weeks pregnant. (six weeks from conception)
* The embryo is measures about 18 mm (3/4 inch) in length.
* Their arms and legs are growing and location of the elbows and toes are visible..
* The feet and hand buds have appeared.
* Starts to practice moving (not felt by mom till week 20)
* The stomach is being made from part of the gut.
* The face is beginning to take shape.
* Your baby's mouth and nostrils are starting to develop.
* Teeth begin to develop under the gums.
* The eyes can now be seen as small hollows on each side of the head.
The arms and legs continue to develop - These limbs are stretching out more and more. Later on you will be feeling those feet and elbows up close and personal right in your bladder. The embryonic tail has almost disappeared.
The pituitary gland is also forming and the embryo is beginning to grow muscle fibers. The heart has divided into the right and left chambers and is beating about 150 beats a minute which is about twice the rate of an adult.
The baby's facial features are visible, including a mouth and tongue. The eyes have a retina and lens. The major muscle system is developed, and the baby starts to practice moving. The baby has its own blood type and the blood cells are produced by the liver now instead of the yolk sac.
Praying for a strong heartbeat on Wednesday.