...and just aggravated in general that people feel they have the right to tell others where they 'should be' or 'are' in any process...especially the 'grieving process.'
I've often said I hate that term because it is not a PROCESS. It's a new way of life.
Most days now, I am able to see losing Matthew as my cross to bear.
I know we all have ours.
I just wonder why mine seems so much heavier than others? Why does mine seem like it's made of concrete and others are tissue paper? Why does mine have to last THE REST OF MY LIFE and others are temporary?
If you know of anyone who has lost someone precious in their life, and are grieving, please, do them a favor....BACK OFF telling them what stage they are in or where they should be.
EVERY SINGLE DAY I go through:
SHOCK--HOW DOES THIS HAPPEN with all the monitoring I had?
DENIAL--This CANNOT be my life.
PAIN--Physical and emotional. Heart-stopping and blood-curdling.
GUILT--WHY did I change my mind????? WHY didn't I think about what if we needed a NICU?
ANGER--WHY make me wait patiently for over 10 years, get me to the finish line and THEN break my heart???????
BARGAINING--I will raise this child to be a pastor if you just let THIS ONE live...
DEPRESSION--Every time I look at his bedroom door. Or visit the cemetery. Or look at his pictures. Or remember him wiggling after chocolate shakes. Or think of his daddy holding him as he died. Or regret I never saw his face alive. I could go on and on and on....
REFLECTION--What has become of me? What will become of me? What if something happens to John? How will I survive losing this one?
LONELINESS--Who wants to constantly talk about dead babies? It's much easier to just tell me I need to move on.
TURNING UP--This new life is so joyful for us.
RECONSTRUCTION--How do the old me and the new me fit together?? Who even wants to know or cares?
ACCEPTANCE--Matthew is dead. He's not coming back. Got it. Still kills me.
I will never, ever, for the rest of my life, have another PERFECT MOMENT...One where I wouldn't change a thing.
EVERY DAY I go through those things...often multiple times a day.
And will for the rest of my life.
And am pretty sure any mother who has lost a child does also and will also.
And that's OK because it's reality.
It's not something that a textbook can tell one how it ought to be and "POOF" it's all eventually worked out.
It's what I and many others wake up to and deal with and fall asleep to every single day.
FOR THE REST OF OUR LIVES.
So please, give some of those poor mothers a break...
Judging from some recent blogs and FB statuses, they could really use it.
Some days, so could I.
Every day...missing my son.