Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Missing my boy....

...and just aggravated in general that people feel they have the right to tell others where they 'should be' or 'are' in any process...especially the 'grieving process.'

I've often said I hate that term because it is not a PROCESS. It's a new way of life.

Most days now, I am able to see losing Matthew as my cross to bear.

I know we all have ours.

I just wonder why mine seems so much heavier than others? Why does mine seem like it's made of concrete and others are tissue paper? Why does mine have to last THE REST OF MY LIFE and others are temporary?

If you know of anyone who has lost someone precious in their life, and are grieving, please, do them a favor....BACK OFF telling them what stage they are in or where they should be.

EVERY SINGLE DAY I go through:

SHOCK--HOW DOES THIS HAPPEN with all the monitoring I had?
DENIAL--This CANNOT be my life.
PAIN--Physical and emotional. Heart-stopping and blood-curdling.
GUILT--WHY did I change my mind????? WHY didn't I think about what if we needed a NICU?
ANGER--WHY make me wait patiently for over 10 years, get me to the finish line and THEN break my heart???????
BARGAINING--I will raise this child to be a pastor if you just let THIS ONE live...
DEPRESSION--Every time I look at his bedroom door. Or visit the cemetery. Or look at his pictures. Or remember him wiggling after chocolate shakes. Or think of his daddy holding him as he died. Or regret I never saw his face alive. I could go on and on and on....
REFLECTION--What has become of me? What will become of me? What if something happens to John? How will I survive losing this one?
LONELINESS--Who wants to constantly talk about dead babies? It's much easier to just tell me I need to move on.
TURNING UP--This new life is so joyful for us.
RECONSTRUCTION--How do the old me and the new me fit together?? Who even wants to know or cares?
ACCEPTANCE--Matthew is dead. He's not coming back. Got it. Still kills me.

I will never, ever, for the rest of my life, have another PERFECT MOMENT...One where I wouldn't change a thing.

EVERY DAY I go through those things...often multiple times a day.

And will for the rest of my life.

And am pretty sure any mother who has lost a child does also and will also.

And that's OK because it's reality.

It's not something that a textbook can tell one how it ought to be and "POOF" it's all eventually worked out.

It's what I and many others wake up to and deal with and fall asleep to every single day.


So please, give some of those poor mothers a break...

Judging from some recent blogs and FB statuses, they could really use it.

Some days, so could I.

Every day...missing my son.


  1. Here from ICLW.

    Oh man, I had never even thought of this before: "I will never again have a perfect moment." It's so true, and so sad. Thank you for this post, I wish I could show it to all my friends. I am 6 weeks out from my daughter's death at 26 weeks pregnant and am already feeling the "you need to move on" vibe. It sucks.

    Off to read more of your blog.


  2. Thank you! Your words are so encouraging and so inspiring! I am scared of that spunky pipsqueak and would not want to get on the wrong side of that!

    You are right...some days I go through EVERY one of those feelings. Some hours I go through all of them. This is a whole new life tha will never be the same.

    Sending you a great big hug for standing up for me when I haven't had the strength to stand up for myself and for encouraging me! Thank you!

  3. Wow, it is just wild that you said this is your cross to bear because I had that thought multiple times today. I was showering and thought about this journey as a cross that I walk around with on my back. Then the thought occured to me, If my cross is this heavy, I can not even begin to imagine the weight of the cross that Jesus carried. It had all of our sins and griefs nailed to it right along with his precious body. Isn't it amazing the thoughts that go through our minds? I also often think about what would happen if I lost Jamie too. That thought can literally cause me to have a panic attack. We are never guaranteed tomorrow. We do not know what the future holds and that is scary! We just have to hold on to our faith and trust that God will be there. Many prayers and hugs tonight!

  4. Thank you so much for visiting my blog.
    I am so sorry for your loss. Matthew was absolutely beautiful.
    I know exactly how you feel. This was such a powerful post. I'm glad I found your blog, and I look forward to following you through a healthy pregnancy with a healthy baby...

  5. I feel most of these on a daily basis as well and see so many crazy people being pushy on facebook as well trying to tell people how to grieve. Thankfully we have each other and feel less lonely through posts like these!! You are such an example to follow!! <3

  6. Ummmm DID I write this?? this is exactly HOW I feel...and i know you read my blog from time to time, and i am sick of feeling that i am failing because i am not in a 'better place' yet...i just wanna scream, this is not a job loss, or even a forclosure on a house, those are fixable problems so to speak...THIS is not fixable, this is my baby, your baby, our babies, and the pain may ease a bit from day to day, but i should not feel like crying on my daughters 4 months is something to feel guilty about....Thanks for this post...i loved it!!!

  7. Seems like there is always a lot to say when I comment here : ) First, I have an awesome recipe that people tell me "should be illegal it's so good." Maybe I can email it to you? Cuz I guard it a little to keep it from spreading all over the world. Ha! Second, I'm starting to understand more and more what you are talking about in this post specifically. One of my very best friends died almost 5 years ago. It was on his 20th birthday and it's STILL under investigation. His awesome parents didn't make it out with their marriage. They lost a baby to stillbirth before Kyle was born. Then had his sister and then Kyle. Kyle was an exceptional person and thousands of people turned out for his service. His mom lost her mind ... until recently I couldn't even talk to her because she was deaf to anything I said. Over and over she would cry, "I want my boy back!" And after years of those conversations (and calls were she told me goodbye -- like cryptic suicide messages) and emails saying I had forgotten him and no one cared, I gave up. I felt like I was hurting her more by listening to her drink and say the same things without hearing anyone or wanting help. He was everything to them and she was lost ... and nothing would help. I hated that. Because there isn't a single day and sometimes a single hour I don't miss him. I love him so much and he's gone and I can't talk to his mom, the one who knew him best. I can't hear stories about him or share stories, because she's gone too. It makes me so sad. Lately she seems to be doing better, but there was a long period of time where she told her daughter she wished it were her instead, and that was hard to tolerate. Now, I just have to try and think of just what she's going through ... the what if's and the whys and the finality of it. The crushing emptiness of never having her little boy come home. And that makes me cry even more and hope even more that there is some kind of special connection between God and the mother's who do have that cross to carry with them. A different closeness and understanding for having lost his own son as well. A different tenderness. I SO hope you are experiencing that tenderness and quiet with him right now. I love what you write, because it always brings something new to the surface - stirring new thought or new considerations. I love that. What a long and hard walk you are on. Something about you and your Matthew made me love you from the first post I read. I know I can't walk right beside you in this, because this beautiful story of Matthew's life is one only you and your husband intimately know -- but I would love to walk behind you or near you or however that works. Praying for you, remembering your sweet love, hoping for happy days ahead, undertanding when happy isn't always possible and encouraging you in whatever way I can. I feel like God shared you with me when I came to this blog. I know it may sound weird, and I'm sure there are already so many people who have offered , even silently, to do this as well ... I just wanted to ask permission, from far away, to be with you in whatever way I can, in this. XO

  8. Ditto.... ditto .... full of sadness this morning... why do people not understand that just because you can get pregnant again (even if that on its own is a LONG journey and emotional) that it will automatically make it all better ? I don't understand why people think that just because its been x amount of months that you should be "over it" by now. Every morning my first thought is my baby boy. I can't stop this - I love him. The pain is awful, I worry constantly for my baby bean that something wont be ok. Our joy of pregnancy has gone - we are no longer naive to the awful things that can happen. You write so well Lori... from the heart and echo so many things that ripple through my head on a daily basis.
    Sending you lots of hugs for strength and praying that you, myself and all other moms and dads going through a rainbow pregnancy can do it as peacefully as possible... xxxx

  9. So true. So, so true.
    People just cannot (or will not) understand that for the rest of our lives, we are living without a piece of our hearts. That our family, no matter how big it gets, will always be one short, there will always be one missing. You never forget that, but people seem to think that its ok to expect it of people.

    Be gentle on yourself. The journey of grief is never ending, but it does get easier along the road.


  10. (((hugs)))) No one should try to tell anyone else how to grieve, and I'm sorry if people are doing that to you.

  11. wow. I never thought of it that way, but that's exactly how it feels...there will never again be a perfect moment, where we wouldn't change a thing. no matter how great life gets, there will always be a missing piece to the puzzle. love you

  12. Exactly how I feel no more perfect moments b/c someone will always be missing. Everything is a new first b/c he is not here with us.

  13. Well said, my friend.

    (hugs), Lauren

  14. I remember one time talking to some other moms, and we were discussing what we would do if one of our children died. So many said, "Oh, I would just die! Just put me away!" And I always HATED that answer.
    Because when you lose a child, you don't die. They are gone, and you can't be with them for a long, long time. It always irked me.
    Then a close family friend lost her only child, her 15 year old son, and I soon realized that what those moms said was so wrong.
    When you lose a child, you live on. Your life will never, ever be the same, but you live on.
    Someone told me this a long time ago:
    When something tragic or traumatic happens in your life, it creates a hole in your heart. And naturally, you want to fill up the hole. Some people want the hold to go away. Some people try to fill it up with food, or shopping, or drugs, etc....things that won't fill up the hole. Because the hole will ALWAYS be there. The best you can hope for is that you can see the hole, know the hole will always be there, and not fall into it. But you can create a beautiful place around the hole so that you can go to it, and remember it with bittersweet memories.
    You will miss your son always. And anyone who tries to tell you about the path of grief doesn't realize that it can't be mapped out.

  15. An insightful way of looking at the Five Stages - and how, while true, they don't adequately address other ones that are just as important. You have a way with expressing yourself, and based on the comments you get, reaching many people - ever consider publishing something (down the road) about your journey and the lessons you've learned?

    I wonder at the disparity of the sizes and varieties of crosses that are carried and their ultimate purposes. If we could walk a mile in each other's shoes for a day, the world would be a much more compassionate place. Very thankful you have your blog and network of online support that "gets it" when so many you encounter just don't. Wishing you days filled with more and more "Turning Up."

  16. Hi Lori! Thank you for your honesty. We lost 3 unborn children,went through a failed domestic adoption, and then we adopted from Kyrgyzstan and have our beautiful son home with us. We are waiting for our 2nd son from Kyrgyzstan (but you know the horror going on there), and now we are waiting for another child from a different country. It's difficult for us to be excited for one child and heart broken for another. Especially knowing that his life will be lived growing up in an institution if he doesn't come home. We're not replacing our waiting son with another, we're simply continuing to add to our family while waiting on all of the what if's. When I'm with my son, people often ask me, "Is he your only one?" What do I say? Do I tell them the whole story? I usually don't and just go on with whatever it was- but it's not easy. I would break down and cry if I had to explain about our waiting child in Kyrgyzstan and not knowing if he will ever come home. But I do have so much joy in my life and so much to celebrate. After our son came home, the pain of all that we endured for 10 years was still there. But my joy of having my son home far outweighed my sorrow. Our family continues to pray for yours. Continue finding strength in your faith and keep celebrating Matthew and your new pregnancy. What precious gifts!

  17. Yep. rest.of.our.lives.

    It is our reality and people just don't get that. You can't rush it because it is endless. How can you rush something that doesn't end (well, at least this side of Heaven)?

  18. I commend you on this post. So true and very well said!

    This is never ending and I wish people would just get over that and as you said "back off". We will always miss our children this will always be as long as we are living!