Thursday, June 3, 2010

Really, really bad dreams....

One of the things I've thanked God for since Matthew has died is the lack of dreams. I know, many want to have wonderful dreams of their precious little ones and of course, so do I.

I just don't want to risk the horrible dreams in order to have the precious ones yet.

I'm a chicken. My heart hurts and honestly, I walk a very fine line in trying to make sure I *face* the pain but avoid anything I can at the same time. I love pictures of Matthew but haven't been able to put many up in our house yet because they hurt. His room is precious to me, but it breaks my heart. His lock of hair and little baby things--hat, blanket, handprints, etc...I'm SO thankful I have them, but even typing about them makes me sob and I get really, really overwhelmed when I force myself to go through his boxes and things.

I have enough pain just in day-to-day life. I try not to add any more in if I don't have to.

So, I have been really, really thankful that I have not had many dreams since Matthew died. Good or bad--just dreamless. One I do remember was about a week or two after he died; I was walking around with this 10 pounder plus baby boy (but who wasn't mine) and I put him down somewhere and I lost him. Couldn't find him. Felt horrible for his mother because I had lost her baby. Didn't know what to do for her...but he wasn't mine. That baby that was lost wasn't mine.

I guess that was what made it a dream.

Last night, I had a horrible nightmare. Woke up in the middle of the night crying, "God, please help me...someone help me..." and I even woke John up. It was gruesome and I won't go into details but the highlights were of several dead babies buried under a porch--mine was one of them, and there were a few others--all in plastic bags.

One baby rallied. And was dressed in a very weird, grey sweat jacket--head covered and coming for me. I almost swung a bat at it because I was scared of it and felt it wasn't right, but then thought, "Dear Lord...this is someone's baby," and even though the head was covered, I got the impression that the baby was scared. So...I didn't swing.

And then he came for me. And got me. And pinned me to a wall. And was about to do God only knows what to me.

And that's where I woke up, screaming.

This is why I'd rather not dream at all.

Of course, I couldn't go back to sleep and all of a sudden, I got this overwhelming fear that we are going to go to our appointment next week and they are going to tell us that the baby is no longer there. When I say overwhelming, I mean panic-attack overwhelming. All my chanting--"This one, she will keep," and "Lord, take this from me right now," and deep breathing was doing nothing.

I honestly don't know how I fell back asleep, other than by chanting those things in my head and begging God to take those thoughts.

And I'm still begging Him to take them because they are still here. I'm so glad that it's less than a week until our next ultrasound. I think I will feel much, much better going in then and having a better idea of growth and heartrate.

I know I didn't put it too much out there originally because the last thing I really wanted to hear was the obvious, "You need to stop worrying."

Duh. I'll also push the "Grow two inches," "Change eye color to green" and "Brown hair to blonde" buttons while I am at it.

I know that I need to stop worrying. I've already said it...I try very hard not to but it's just easier said than done.

I so desperately want this sweet little baby boy or girl to be ok. At our 6 week u/s, the heart rate was 88. The average range is 90-110. Dr. K said that was perfect, but to me, perfect is 90-110. Matthew's at that point in time (and I know babies are different; please don't feel like you need to tell me that) was 101.

The crown-rump length also dated the baby at 6w1d. I was 6w2d that day. So, in addition to a tad slower heart-rate, little Miney was also a day behind in growth. Someone told me, "Well, that's why the heart rate was a little's fine for that day's growth."

Which might hold water with me if my baby was not IVF. Not conceived at 1:30 pm on April 26. Not transferred back to my womb at nearly 72 hours later on April 29. There's NO confusion as to where my baby is on dating.'s been a somewhat stressful week. I've been trying with all my might not to worry until our next ultrasound--baby will be bigger, heart rate and crown-rump length will be easier to measure...and I pray that it was just early with the last ultrasound.

Wednesday can't come fast enough. I just hope I don't have any more dreams in the meantime.


  1. Lori, my heart goes out to you. It is not fair that we can never again have a "normal" prengancy. Free from worry and enjoy the milestones. If it helps any, I had really bad dreams during the first trimester and part of the second with two of my pregnancies. I know it is easier said than done, but I will pray that God tells satan to take a hike and leave you with some peace about this pregnancy. Praying now! Hugs!

  2. I'm with you on I'd rather have no dreams than bad ones! I was having a lot of bad ones a few weeks ago, and they were directly related to our baby and birthmother, and I know it was my anxiety taking hold. I'm praying the devil off your back also!

    You have every right in the world to worry. People who haven't lost children, or have and then had totally normal pregnancies with no complication tend to forget how stressful it is. Worry away and know that I'm here for you if you need anything! Sending you and John both lots of love and praying your u/s goes very well!

  3. Praying for peace for you, friend.

  4. I was reading in the book of Matthew when I decided to check your page ... I cannot get your family out of my mind and prayers. I happened to be reading The Beatitudes. "Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted." I love how it's not a guideline, but a promise of hope. Not a rule, but a gift. You have the unexplainable task and priveledge to mourn and love your son ... it's such a painful double-edged sword. Matthew is whole and perfect in Heaven through that promise - that's your present reality. But your future hope in that is the same ... one day being free of all the pain and tears and reunited in love and joy with them, in Heaven. I pray that God will give you perfect words from His heart and perfect memories of Matthew to be a calming salve to your wounds and worries.

  5. Lori, my heart really does go out to you - it is a horrible part of our journey the dreams, I pray that somewhere soon you find some peace, that these horrid visions are taken from you and of course that everything on your next u/s is perfect. I too have had vivid dreams this pregnancy so far... but up until now they have only been strange.. always here for you xxxx

  6. Oh the so sorry. I can relate, but do know they get better. My therapist relates them to fear and gave me some tools to work through these times. Maybe talk this through with the therapist you are close to, as I am sure she will give great insight....maybe you have already done this ;)

    Just be good to you and know that we love you and are praying for you.


  7. (((hugs))) my friend.

    word verification: briesse, as in "breezy" as in DON'T WE WISH;) cling to His coat tails. i'm holding you in continual prayers. and miney too.

  8. I am so sorry you are having such a stressful week. Your dream sounds so awful. I can totally understand why you don't want to have any of them. I know it is hard not to worry. That is what we do. I am just wishing the best for you and that baby inside of you. Sending love to you!!

  9. hi lori, dreams are a very big part of being pregnant, wild strong, vivid dreams, i dreamt i was at harveys funeral the other night.... nice, like i wanted to be there! i don't have my first scan until monday, so i am trying to remain confident that there is a heartbeat or two there. i know its very hard to do this. i try to remember that i have more chance of everything being right than i do of something going wrong. ( i weakly laugh) sending love, anne xxx

  10. Lifting you up, asking for strength, comfort, and peace.

    In my opinion, chickenhood is relative. I have to believe that or I couldn't cut myself any slack over my panic-attack-inducing dreams, most of which involve having to choose between my two children in horrible, no-win scenarios. (The other theme is having to substitute teach without a lesson plan, but that's all about control, or the lack thereof. :)

    Truly wishing you a restful, dreamless sleep tonight, tomorrow night, and on.

  11. When I was 6w5d, baby A was measuring on target, baby B was at 6w1d. At my 11w1d u/s, both were 11w1d. B was actually a tiny bit bigger than A. I was definitely worried, but my RE said B probably implanted later.

    I am so sorry for your dream. I had a horrible one as well and was so scared I was going to lose one of the twins. I still worry of course. I've also had nightmares of my older two dying. I would love to say it goes away, and while things will get better with time, you will always struggle with it. We pray and do the best we can, but some emotions are an uphill battle that can't be turned off so easily.

  12. I grew up having panic-attack inducing dreams on a regular basis. Long story, and obviously not for the same reasons, but the verse that became my treasure, what I pray every night before sleeping even now and say over and over when I awake in fear, is Psalm 4:8. "I will lie down and sleep in peace, for you alone, Oh Lord, make me dwell in safety."

    I meditation on the verse part by part, (I WILL lie down, I WILL sleep, I WILL find peace, my peace comes from the Lord alone, I have that peace because...) and cling to it as my lifeline that anchors me to the reality of Christ when everything else seems fragile and terrifying and deceptive. When my body, my mind and my spirit are all clenched tight in horror, this is the prayer that ultimately allows me to begin to unclench and even progress to the physical ability to lay back down when I've sprung from bed in fright.

    Praying that this verse and others God will put on your heart, will become powerful weapons in your armor against the vicious darts of the evil one. {{{hugs}}}

  13. Bad dreams are the worst, especially when you wake up and they still feel so real...
    Wednesday can't come fast enough for me either! Waiting to hear that all is well....

  14. Praying for peaceful, dreamless sleep for you, dear Lori.

  15. Bless your dear heart Lori. I will add you to my prayer list and ask God to give you the comfort you so deserve. I can't say everything will be ok but I pray it will and that God provides you with peace of mind. I don't know you well, but I love you girl and I am praying for you. The only thing that sustained me during my recent miscarriage was the fact that I have a healthy 3 year old daughter. Without her I think I would have been completely lost in my sadness and grief. I can just look at her and my heart melts and is filled with pure joy. I want that for you and your husband so much. Keep the faith and your chin up. Many hugs.

  16. I'm sorry about the horrible dream you had. How awful to experience that! I've only had 1 dream of Carleigh and I would say it was a good dream. In the dream she was still going to die but I got to see her alive and I woke up before she died. I have dreamt of babies dying.

    Those days of assurance simply can't come fast enough!! I had my coworker scan me when I was supposed to be 8 wks and was only found to be 6 wks. Freaked me out! I was so worried about my baby. Then I had her scan me again 4 wks later and I was measuring about 11 wks. So I seemed to pick up a week. I think the growth can really vary-some days the baby grows more than others. And then on our last US she was measuring about 3 more days ahead.

  17. Lori
    I am so sorry for your bad dreams. I will pray for you!! Cynthia LBC

  18. Sending you hugs Lori. Praying tonight is peaceful for you.

  19. Lori, I'm so sorry about the nightmares. I have very vivid dreams while pregnant and have woken up a few times in sheer panic this time. One time I just got out of bed, went downstairs, made tea and watched HGTV or Bravo or something trashy and light because I couldn't get the dream out of my head.

    I know the uneasy feeling between ultrasounds. Yesterday was my first ultrasound in 5 weeks and I was terrified of the unknown. I tell every u/s tech that I meet that I am a nervous wreck and not a very good patient. They have always been so understanding but I feel bad that I go in wound up tight like a spring.

    As for the heartrate... The 6w1d vs 6w2d is not a big deal. Those u/s machines are calibrated to + or - 5 days or something like that. At my first ultrasound my baby was measuring 5w3d (at what I though was 5w4d) and then two weeks later at 7w4d he was measuring 7w6d. So they grow at different rates and those machines are not perfect (and the humans aren't perfect).
    My friend had an IVF baby whose heartrate was about the same as yours at 6w. She worried and worried but Lucy will be turning 1 next month.

  20. Oh Lori, that dream sounds so awful, and I'm sorry you had to have it! I had some really bad dreams right after we lost Madelyn, and have had some weird dreams in this pregnancy. I hope you don't have any more of them.

    I thought of this yesterday - another thing to keep in mind is that even though you know exactly when the embryo was created and dropped into your uterus, you don't know exactly when Miney implanted! I don't know if that could make a difference on the timing or not. And also, those ultrasound measurements always come with a possible error rate of 3-5 days in either direction. At my peri office, which has top of the line equipment, they still account for a possible error rate of that amount. In fact, at Madelyn's last u/s they had her measuring at 2.5 pounds, but when she was born she weighed 3 pounds 4 ounces! So try not to stress!

  21. This one, she will keep.
    This one, she will hold.
    This one will have her eyes.
    This one will have his nose.

    This one will sing Pat-a-cake.
    This one will play peekaboo.
    This one will read books.
    This one will say “I love you.”

    This one will jump in puddles.
    This one will ride a bike.
    This one will go exploring.
    This one will fly a kite.

    This one will go to college.
    This one will buy a house.
    This one will fall in love.
    This one will have a spouse.

    This one will have a baby.
    This one will strive for gold.
    The one will love God.
    This one will grow old.

    I just wrote this for you.
    Love, Anonymous Reader

  22. Lori, I haven't been online in a while, but when I want to know how you are i jump over to your blog and catch up. Yeh, that dream was disturbing. I have had some pretty awful dreams also.

    I know we don't control the dreams, but truly if you're going to have one like that, might as well have one on the other end of the spectrum, how about that BLESSED dream? I'm praying for you to only have the beautiful ones, and that (though I know it doesn't change things) that the Lord will calm your heart to some lesser stressed degree.

    Going through a pregnancy after a loss is so tough, but what got me through were those little blessings. It wasn't any one big thing that happened that I could say fixed my nerves for the rest of my pregnancy, it was just the little milestones. So let yourself enjoy them for what they are. And know that we are all taking your life and Miney's life to the Lord for safe keeping.

    Love you, and I want you to know that I thank the Lord for blessing me with your words of encouragement.

  23. Hi hon,
    Sorry Ive been off the map, but you are always on my radar. I pray you have no nightmares, ever...I can totally relate though as I usually only remember the bad ones. Hugs and love, Nan xxx

  24. oh man, lori - i am so with you on dreams. i am bummed to hear of your dreams and pray for you life back with dreamless, deep, rested sleep... and that your appt this week goes OK... thoughts with you!

  25. Lori, I KNOW that feeling you describe. The sheer terror that covers you like a sheen of darkness. I have tons of dreams of Amelia though. Each time I cry out to God and pray for peace, but it feels like the dream is lurking in the dark room with me, as if it is alive and full of evil. NOTHING is worse then the dread of these dreams. I will pray that you sleep well and undisturbed and that the days until the next US will fly by.

  26. Lori,
    I praying that God will continue to put a hedge of protection around you and John and Miney and your womb. That He will bind up the enemy and not allow him to steal your joy. That God will give you the perfect peace that surpasses all understanding. Peace in your waking hours and peace in your sleep. That He will continue to put people in your path that will speak life to you and whisper words of encouragement in your ears and heart. All in His name.
    Love you! And praying!

  27. I wish I could figure out the right words to say, but I'm nothing seems right. Just know this...God loves you and is always at your side. He will give you strength through these days of uncertainty.

  28. I am so sorry you had a really really bad dream. I have not really had nightmares in my life until after Lilly passed. I had quite a few and they were bad. I have even had a nightmare babies have died. It is a very uneasy and panicky feeling. I will be praying for you. If you would like I would love to add you to my prayer list on the blog I have for Lilly. If not of course know that I will still be praying for you. *hugs*