Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Dear Anonymous,

Please allow me to respond to you:

Is there a even very slim chance your dad will ever read your blog or someone who knows your dad who will tell him about your blog? If so, will there be any hope of reconciliation then....when he sees what you've so publically said about him? Even if it is all true and justified on your part, it seems that you are very much shutting the door on the relationship as well. As poorly as he's behaved, your behavior in dissing on him on your blog seems very IS obvious you still love him and you believe he parented you well when you were growing up. So he's made and is currently making poor choices now. Why not pray for him and the grace for yourself to react to his statements and decisions with wisdom and Christ-centered love? Sure, vent to a few trusted friends and John, ask them for their guidance and wisdom and prayers. But the way you are reacting, well, seems pretty bitter....and gossipy. So he's cut you off....hard to show him love when he does that, huh? Maybe not blogging about how mad he makes you (and thus leaving the door open a crack for him to repent/you to reconcile with each other) is one small way you can express that love.

If my dad, or someone who knows my dad reads this, he will not see anything other than the truth....and words he himself has used. I have no use for lying, nor have I any use for denigrating my father's character. These posts will be turned into a book for my child, and I want there to be NO confusion as to why her mother's father is not part of her life--he chose not to be. Reconciliation is as simple as my father saying, "Lori, it was wrong of me to expect you and your sister and your brother to act as if your mom's death meant you needed a new mother, or to expect you to build a new family because I chose to build a new family. I would really love it if you and **** and her daughters were friends and celebrated special times together, and then see where that goes." Alas, anonymous, those words have not been spoken, and I don't foresee them being spoken.

You are right in that I am shutting the door on the relationship as well, because, well, that's what my father said to do. If a relationship doesn't exist on his terms, then consider there to be no relationship. Done.

Of course I still love my father and because of his parenting, it should be very obvious why I cannot accept the dissolution of my family simply because my mother died and he wants to replace it. How dishonorable to her, to us and to 30 years of our lives.

Why do you assume I have not prayed for him, or for what to do with all of this? You have no idea what prayers have been offered, what conversations with Godly friends and family and counselors have been held, nor what has gone on between me and my God. As you accuse me of not showing Christ-centered love, you certainly sound judgemental. Perhaps this is not your purpose, but that is how it is perceived.

You are also correct in that I am bitter. I am extremely bitter that the man who raised me and who I thought would always offer unconditional love now chooses to tell me that he did not love me when he met me, I was part of a package deal, and it should be obvious as to why he can love his wife's daughters exactly as he loves me because we are theoretically the same in the eyes of the law. This does not mean that I have not forgiven him for his disparaging remarks against my mother, as well as the hurt that he has, even inadvertently, brought to my heart. I hold no ill will toward my father and have never told him ANYTHING but that I was happy he was happy. I simply cannot and will not replace my mother just because he wishes that was the case. Period. And those are his terms of our relationship, not mine.

With regard to expressing my love to him by not blogging, I cannot expect that you, an anonymous person who has no knowledge of my actions over the last 6 years since my mother has passed, would know the lengths and extents of love I have tried to show my dad. As I said, this blog will be turned into a book for my child, and will hopefully explain with as much honesty as I can provide why certain things are the way they are. This blogging is not a way of showing how mad I am at my dad, for I am not mad at him. I am hurt and disappointed, but we are all adults and pay the consequences for the actions we choose. For my dad, I am mostly sad, because things could be very different if he would simply let them...and in not, he is really losing out on times with his family. For we are, and always will be, his family--whether he'd like to replace it or not.

Thanks for your comment.


  1. Oh no! So sorry you've been visited by an Anon-troll.
    I once read a very wise fortune cookie fortune "Always speak the truth and you will never need to whisper". With that, I've never had to write anything under the cover of "anonymous". Good words to live by.
    This is your blog, your life, keep on writing what YOU want to write, no need to justify to anyone.

  2. Amen!! This is your blog and blog as you like. Some people just have no clue--or better things to sit there and judge other people. How shallow and narrow their vision must be!

  3. Lori,

    Your post to Anonymous clearly explained your feelings and actions...and I understand them. Your Dad is asking you to create a relationship in a form that is uncomfortable to you, you are asking him to let it be wha it really is and not pretend it is parental/sisterly which it can never be for you.

    Men don't always understand these's why they need women! Hahaha!

    I wonder what might happen if you reached out to his wife and sisters with a truly open Christian anger or animosity towards them but in an attempt to explain that you DO want a relationship with them for both you and your child, but that your Dad seems to think that any relationship has to "look like" mother-daughter-sister instead of friends. I wonder if theya re capable of seeing it from your side if you present it from a prayerful and open perspective. Of course, I am not privy to your relationship with them now and that may be impossible because MANY people want to pretend that their reality is different than it is because it will make them feel and appear to be a "real family" rather than accepting that God creates families in different ways and puts people together who have a lot to learn as they walk through life.

    I wish for you peace through this and reconciliation someday.

    Your honesty on your blog allows others to see how complicated life and relationships can be, how hard it can be to pull it all together in a broken world.

  4. Lori, I totally understand where you are coming from. When my boys were younger, they acted as boys do. My mother told me that they were brats and that I was a horrible mother. For several years, I did not talk to her. My feeling is that love is unconditional and if she didn't want my children, she couldn't have me. When we were ready to bring Jyly home, I put myself out there and tried to work on the relationship. She could not understand why I hurt her so much and had no recollection of the things she said. So, I did what I said I wouldn't do and call and go through the good daughter motions but our relationship will never be the same again. You have to do what is right for you and your family and it is unfortunate that your father is going to miss out on your childs life but that is a choice he has to live with.